The Summer I Learned to Dive

by McCrimmon, Shannon

  “I read a lot, too,” I said, gesturing to his books. He formed an excited expression.

  “What do you like to read?” he asked eagerly, showing interest.

  I shrugged. “Everything.”

  “Me, too,” he replied.

  “Do you get lonely being out here all by yourself?” I asked. I knew I would if I lived there. It was remote and isolated.

  He frowned pondering my question. “Not really. I like the solitude. I go into town from time to time and your grandparents visit me every week. Mostly though, I prefer to be here by myself reading and gardening,” he said. He scratched his head and attempted to smile at me. “Do you like to be alone?” he asked.

  “Sometimes,” I confessed. “Not lately, though.” His forehead wrinkled, he stared at me confused. “It’s just, I was alone for a long time and I’ve recently made friends and I like it,’” I admitted.

  “That’s good. Mom told me you’re going to college to be a doctor,” he said. He shifted in his chair nervously.

  I was about to bite on my nails again, but stopped myself. “I am. I’m not so sure about being a doctor anymore, though,” I told him. I realized I was telling him something that I had not told anyone else. It was a realization that I had come to recently, but was afraid to admit to anyone else, let alone myself. All my life I had said I was going to be a doctor and lately, the idea didn’t seem appealing. It didn’t feel like a good fit. When I was at the hospital visiting Grandpa I nearly froze at the sight of him in the ICU, feeling sick to my stomach. I was starting to rethink it all.

  “You’re not?” He frowned.

  “I don’t know if it’s the right thing for me,” I admitted. “I’m still trying to figure out who I am.”

  “It’s hard being your age,” he replied and didn’t press further. He offered me something to drink. We drank sweet tea quietly, staring at each other, awkwardly smiling. I didn’t know what to say or even how to begin to know what to say to him.

  “I’m sorry I left,” he said. I didn’t respond. He added, “I was very sick for a long time but I’m better now, a lot more stable. The meds that I’m on help me stay balanced.” He laughed nervously gauging my reaction. “I want to get to know you if you will let me,” he said looking at me, seeking my approval, curiously waiting for my answer.

  “I’d like that.”

  “Good,” he said and breathed a sigh of relief. “I was nervous to meet you.”

  “Me, too.” I smiled, pleased that we were talking. “I didn’t know what to expect,” I said.

  He smoothed his hair and shifted in his chair. “I thought you would get here and tell me off and then leave.”

  I shook my head. “I don’t resent you. It’s not your fault,” I said.

  “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. I was sick for a long time. When I finally got better, I wanted to know you so badly, but didn’t know how to contact you. And, well, I didn’t think you’d want anything to do with me if I did.” He tapped his fingers on the chair, playing Beethoven’s Fur Elise. His hand had a slight tremor. I wondered if that was a side effect of his medication.

  “I want to get to know you,” I said. He slightly smiled at my response.

  “Would you like to go outside?” he asked.

  “Okay,” I said.

  He stood up and Jack followed. I walked with him outside. It was a warm day, but not humid. I stood next to him on the porch looking around at the trees, noticing the odd metal sculptures randomly placed throughout his yard. One that was completely made of kitchen utensils caught my eye. It was a little girl. He noticed me staring at it and said, “That’s you when you were little.”

  I walked over to it and bent down to look at it. “It’s beautiful,” I said, admiring it. Nana had said he was talented. I thought she was biased but I could see I was wrong. His art was amazing.

  “It was the first sculpture I made,” he said.

  “You’re very talented,” I said, standing up and facing him.

  “Thank you,” he said quietly, almost embarrassed by the compliment. He walked a little and then stopped. “Mind if I smoke?” he asked, gesturing to his pipe.

  “No,” I said. He put the pipe to his lips and lit the tobacco. He inhaled the smoke, puckering his lips, his hand shaking a little.

  “Do you garden every day?” I asked.

  “I try to during the spring and summer. It helps keep me grounded, keeps my mind off things.” He sucked on his pipe again, inhaling more smoke. I didn’t mind the smell. “Let’s take a walk,” he said. We meandered toward his garden, Jack eagerly followed.

  I stopped to admire the daisies. “Do you like daisies?” he asked, noticing me.

  “Yes.” I nodded. “They’re my favorite flower. Something about them makes me happy,” I said. He took a pocket knife out of his front pocket and cut several from the ground and handed them to me.

  “Here. You can put them in a vase when you get home,” he said.

  “Thank you.” It melted my heart. I could see why my mother had fallen in love with him. It was a kind gesture; his way of saying he loved me. This is what I imagined a father would be like with his daughter. At that moment, I wanted that feeling to last forever. It was a feeling of warmth and protection. It must be what most girls feel like when growing up with a dad.

  We continued to walk throughout his yard admiring the flowers. He told me about each and every plant and flower, giving me intricate details, more than I could ever know, but I enjoyed listening to him. He was excited to share what he knew with me, to talk to me. I listened patiently, intently, eagerly. Hearing his voice, standing next to him, it felt surreal. I couldn’t believe that I was in this close proximity to my father, the man I thought was dead for more than sixteen years. I wanted to relish every second of the day and remember it detail for detail. I had a father and I was not willing to let him go, not when I finally had him again.

  “You’ll come back, won’t you?” he asked as we stood in front of Nana’s truck.

  “Definitely. How about this weekend?” I asked.

  “I’d like that,” he said and smiled.

  “I’ll see you then.” I didn’t know if I should hug him. I moved toward him. He hugged me gently.

  He looked at me and patted me softly on the shoulder, “I’m glad you came, Finn.”

  “Me, too. I’ll see you real soon.” I opened the door to the truck and sat down putting the key in the ignition. I turned the car on and rolled the window down.

  “Drive safely,” he said. I drove away and looked in the rearview mirror. He was standing outside, watching me as I drove off.

  Chapter 22

  The next destination: the hospital. I wanted to see my grandparents and tell them how it went with my dad. I felt like I was on top of the world. I finally had a father and he was staying in my life for a very long time. All of those years I went to award ceremonies and other school functions, I felt a pain in my heart seeing that he was missing from the audience. When other dads stood and cheered for their daughters, I wanted what they had, a person in my life that I could call my dad. Knowing that I finally had that healed some of that open wound.

  I pulled into the parking garage and parked my car. I walked quickly, in haste, toward the entrance. When I saw the amount of people waiting to get on the elevator, I decided to take the stairs instead. I was bursting with energy, in anticipation, wanting to tell them every detail and share with them what I had discovered about my dad.

  My grandfather looked better than the day before, already having more color on his face. It was no longer pale, even a little rosy, like before the heart attack. Nana smiled at me and stood up. I hugged her and reached over to kiss Grandpa on his cheek. His face had not been shaven in a day or so, the stubble was rough against my lips.

&
nbsp; “I just got back from Dad’s,” I said. Saying the word “dad” out loud was strange but exhilarating at the same time. “It went well,” I added.

  They both smiled, eager to hear more. “I’m glad it went well. He was so nervous to meet you,” Nana said.

  “I was nervous to meet him, too,” I admitted. “He’s so talented and we have a lot in common,” I replied enthusiastically, anxious to talk about him as much as I could.

  Grandpa nodded his head and smiled. He motioned for me to sit down on the bed. I sat down and he patted my hand. “You remind us a lot of him before he got sick,” he said. I frowned, which he must of read incorrectly. “He’s not so sick anymore, Finn,” he said trying to reassure me.

  “Oh, I know,” I said. “The medication seems to help him, though.” It appeared that way to me and it was what I hoped for.

  “It is,” he said. “Things were rough, actually, they were really bad there for a while. We didn’t know if he would ever get better. He had reached his worst point and we wondered if he’d ever come back. But over time, things have improved, he’s more like his old self.” He looked at me, trying to read my thoughts. My expression must have been blank because he stared at me incredulously, his forehead wrinkled. “He really is, Finn,” he added.

  He wanted to assure me, to let me know that I could count on my dad. “That’s good to hear. I want him to be healthy and to get to know him better,” I said.

  “Well, I know he wants to get to know you better, too. You’re all he’s talked about since he knew you were coming to see him. You should have heard him. He asked us a million questions about you. He wanted everything to be perfect,” Nana said and chuckled.

  She was happy, content that her son and granddaughter were back in her life and that her family was together again. It must have felt as good to her, as having them back in my life felt to me.

  “I have something to ask you both,” I said, my tone serious. Nana moved her chair closer to me, sitting next to Grandpa’s bed. I was looking directly at them both now. I took a deep breath and then asked, “Would you allow me to live with you for a little longer?”

  “Of course, Finn. You can stay with us as long as you like,” Nana said. “What about school, though?” she asked, searching my face for an answer.

  “Well.” I took another deep breath. I don’t know why I was so nervous, but saying this to them was difficult because I feared their reaction. I wanted to please them and hoped that they wouldn’t think I was making a mistake. I was sure of my decision, it felt right to me.

  “I’ve been thinking about things and I’m going to defer admissions for a semester. I want to get to know you both better and help out at the diner until you get better,” I said looking at my grandpa. “And now that I have my father back in my life, I can’t think to let him go,” I admitted. A tear trickled down from my eye. I wiped it away, confused at my mix of emotions.

  Nana looked at me, her face showed concern. “You’re welcome to stay with us, honey. But we could manage the diner; you need not worry about that. Finn, aren’t you giving up a lot if you stay and start school late?”

  “I’m giving up a lot if I don’t stay,” I said. Grandpa squeezed my hand.

  “This is your decision, Finn. Whatever you choose to do, we’ll support you, won’t we, Lilly?” he asked her, looking to her for guidance.

  She slightly smiled. “Of course. Finn, if this is what you think is best, then we trust your judgment.”

  “Good.” I breathed a sigh of relief. “This is what I want. I can’t lose you all now, not when I just got you back in my life.”

  “We’re not going anywhere,” he said.

  “You’ll never lose us, honey. You’re stuck with us for good.” She reached over to hug me.

  ***

  I left the hospital, feeling a sense of peace. I still needed to talk with my mother, to tell her what I was planning to do. That was going to be a difficult conversation. She may not be as understanding as my grandparents when I tell her that I’m staying in South Carolina for a while longer. So much had changed between the two of us. All of my life, she was my constant companion, my best friend. But when I discovered she had lied to me, it put a wall up between us. It would take a long time for those wounds to heal, for me to have that trust in her again. I really missed her. I missed us.

  Chapter 23

  When I got to my grandparents’ house, my mom was outside, sitting on the front steps of their porch. She looked like she was deep in thought. I wondered what was going on in her mind. I know she was curious about my visit with my dad.

  “Hi,” I said. I sat down next to her, stretching my legs out in front of me.

  She was barefoot. Her long flowing skirt was pulled up to her knees. She looked relaxed. It was the first time I had seen her look this way in a while. I think she knew what I was going to say before I even uttered the words to her. It was written all over my face. I didn’t have a poker face and she knew me all too well.

  She sighed and shook her head slightly. “You’re not coming back with me are you?”

  “You know why I’m not going back with you, right?” I asked.

  She sighed again. “I know why. I’m just very selfish and don’t want you to stay,” she said. She reached into her purse, grabbing a tissue and gently dabbed her eyes with it.

  “I love you Mom but I’ve got to stay here longer and explore this part of my life,” I told her hoping she would see my reasoning.

  “I know,” she said, not in the mood to argue. We had fought so much recently that I think we were both too tired to argue anymore. I think we had reached an impassé.

  I touched her warm hand. “It’s one semester and then I’ll start. It gives me more time to get to know my father and to help out while Grandpa recovers.”

  She blew her nose and then looked back at me. “It’s not what we had planned. I hope it’s what you want.”

  I knew it was exactly what I wanted. I had thought about it for days. I wasn’t willing to live for anyone else but myself from there on. “It’s what I want, Mom,” I said resolutely.

  “But you’ll be behind starting so late. It seems like you are giving up a lot,” she pleaded.

  “You can’t give something up if you’ve never had it. I don’t want to be a doctor. It’s what you told me to be, what you wanted. After Grandpa’s heart attack, I realized I really hate hospitals. And being around sick people makes me nervous and sick. There are other things I’m probably better suited for. I’m even thinking of studying psychology or business. I don’t know. For the first time in my life I don’t have a plan but it doesn’t scare me.” I shook my head and laughed at myself, at the irony. “I want to know my grandparents and my father better. They’re a part of me now,” I said to her.

  “If you gave it some time, you’d see being a doctor is a good fit for you,” she said ignoring everything I had just said. “It’s what you were born to do,” she added.

  Exasperated, I sighed. “Mom, it’s your plan. What you want for me. Not what I want for myself.”

  “You’re not staying here because of that boy, are you?” she asked incredulously.

  “No.” I shook my head. “It’s not about Jesse. We’re in love but he would never ask me to stay just for him and I wouldn’t stay here just to be with him. This is about me finding out who I am. It’s about me learning who that other half of me is through my grandparents and my father.” My tear-filled eyes looked at her. She was just as upset. Tears streamed down her face.

  “You know the longer you put off school, the less likely you are to attend.” She shook her head in disgust, refusing to meet my gaze.

  I touched her arm, trying to get her to look at me. “I will go, Mom. I just need to wait a semester before I do.” She sighed and shook her head in disappointm
ent. I ignored her and kept talking. “This is more important than going to Harrison in the fall. If I went, I’d be unhappy, never living life, just like before,” I said.

  “What do you mean, ‘never living life’?”

  “Mom, my entire youth was spent studying. I missed out on things like prom, slumber parties, and having friends. I’ve never felt alive until this summer. Now what I know what it feels like, I don’t want to let it go. You have to understand that.” I was trying to persuade her to see my side of things.

  “I can’t tell you what to do anymore. I guess I’ll just have to trust your judgment, Finn. It’s your life and you’ve proven to me that you’re grown up. I just hope you know what you’re doing.” She looked at me in the eyes, searching for something. I don’t know what she was seeking. Maybe she wanted me to relent, to feel guilted into changing my mind? But I was certain about my decision, about my plans to stay. It was what I wanted and she could not change that.

  “This is what I want, Mom,” I stated with absolute confidence. “Do any of us ever know what we’re doing? All I know is that it feels right,” I added.

  “I’m going to miss you, Finn. It’s always been us and now you have another life that I’m not a part of. It’s not the same,” she said and frowned.

  “You’re still a part of my life. It’s no different than if I had gone to Harrison.” I reached over to hug her. She was startled by my action. We so rarely showed affection like this for each other. That was something I had learned this summer, to be affectionate with the people I loved. She held me tight, as tight as she had ever held me. I let go first and looked at her. She handed me a tissue and I wiped my eyes.