Bittersweet Hope

by Ryann Jansen

  “WooooooHooooo! Par-tay!”

  “You are crazy!” Fits of giggling followed.

  “Yeah, well, I’m about to be drunk and crazy. Can you believe all this stuff? Looks like Ma and Pa are hiding the sweet stuff from us.”

  My body went rigid. One voice belonged to Sadie, and I was pretty sure the other was Tori. What had been anxiety and stress melted into one huge ball of authority and anger. Before I even thought about what I was doing, I yanked at the screen door, not caring if it had any kind of latch on it. It didn’t, and in a second I was in the house, marching through a small hallway toward the sounds of their voices. Caleb was on my heels.

  “Audrey.” He whispered. “What are you doing?”

  I didn’t answer him. I had a one track mind at the moment, and that track led straight to Sadie. When the hallway finally ended, my ears perked up, listening for their laughter. It was coming from the right. I turned, and found myself in a game room. There was a pool table and a dart board, and in the corner, there was a long bar with four tall stools in front of it. I couldn’t see my sister or Tori, but I could hear them. Their voices were coming from behind it.

  My steps were quick and light, and when I reached the end of the bar it came as a surprise to them. They were kneeled down in front of a large cabinet. A key hung out of the lock, and inside were several bottles of liquor. I saw amber colored whiskey, dark bourbon, and the distinguishable bottle of clear vodka, among others.

  “What are you doing?” I asked. Even to me my voice sounded too harsh. Like a mother who had found her child sneaking out of the house or something. But I figured this was sort of on that level. I put my hands on my hips and stood, my feet planted on the floor.

  “Audrey!” Sadie fumbled trying get up, her mouth agape and her eyes stretched in surprise. “What are you doing here? And how did you even get in?”

  “You Einsteins left the door open, that’s how. Where are the Gable’s?”

  “Shopping.” Tori answered. She hadn’t stood. She didn’t even seem to care that we’d found their little drinking party. Typical.

  “So you guys decided to play bar maid?”

  “Audrey, why don’t you just mind your own business?” A scowl was painted on Sadie’s baby face. She put her hands on her own hips, her stance pretty much mirroring mine. It made my heart hurt even more.

  “Sadie.” I sighed. “I can’t even believe this. I’ve been worried sick the past couple days because of the storm and everything, and I come to check on you to find you about to get sloshed? What happens when your foster parents come home?” I tried to tell myself to calm down, to quit acting like I had a stick up my ass, but it didn’t help. The scene in front of me…it was too much like Mama. Memories of her laughing, drunk and high, splashed in front of my mind’s eye. I couldn’t do that again, not with my sister. It was way too much.

  “They won’t care. They’re too scared of us to question anything we do. It’s part of my master plan.” Tori said, finally getting to her feet. Her eyes zeroed in on Caleb, and a sly grin broke out over her thin, lipstick stained mouth. “Caleb Whitley? What are you doing here?”

  I crossed my eyes. “He’s with me.” What a brat. I oughtta knock her into next Tuesday. The crap about the Gable’s being scared of them stuck in my mind. So, Tori was brainwashing my sister into being like her. I pursed my lips to keep myself from screaming.

  Caleb stayed silent, and I turned my attention back to Sadie before I punched Tori in her pointy little nose. “I’m so disappointed in you.”

  “Well, don’t be. You’re not my mother.”

  Her words lashed into me, leaving unseen welts on my soul. No, I wasn’t. Though I was the closest thing to a mother she’d ever had. My mouth opened, but no words came out. There was nothing to say in that moment, no sentences would form together for me to even attempt to try and talk to her anymore. There was only loss, and hurt and defiance hanging in the air. It was as if Caleb and Tori weren’t even in the room.

  “No. I guess I’m not.” My heart was too battered to try and do anything else. She had wounded me, and I needed to get out before she could see how much. I turned to Caleb.

  “Let’s just go.” I didn’t wait to see Sadie’s reaction or if Caleb was right behind me. I didn’t stop walking until I was in the truck, my breathing becoming rapid and choppy as I forced the emotions down, away from the surface. When he got in, he kept silent while we drove home.

  The driveway came into view too soon for me. I didn’t want to be home yet. Anna wasn’t home, thank goodness. She’d gone to the bridge game she was supposed to have the night before. I wondered if she would be terribly upset if I just got out of the truck and ran as fast as I could until I was too tired to go on. I wasn’t worth anything to anyone anymore. I felt like I’d had the wind knocked out of me.

  “You okay?” Caleb asked. His voice wrapped around me and made me feel safe. Just his being there helped stave off the loneliness trying to overtake me. If I’d been alone…I doubted it would have been pretty.

  “No.” I looked out the window, toward the back of the house. The catfish pond sat like an old friend, even though it had only helped me heal a tiny bit one time. The old swing set was off to the side, inviting me to come and lay all of my sorrows on it, to glide high into the sky and forget hurt even existed.

  “Can we go swing?”

  Surprise clenched Caleb’s face. “Swing?”

  I nodded. He studied my face and then pushed open his door. He came around and opened mine, holding my hand as I stepped down. I walked as quickly as I could toward the swing set.

  I settled into the worn seat, my fists clenched around the rusted chains. The clouds above seemed to part and I started pushing my feet, climbing higher and higher into the air. The wind rushed around me, whipping my hair around my face and drying my eyes. The light feeling surrounding my stomach was pure weightlessness, the feeling that I was suspended in air and could fall onto the plush earth without a scratch or a bruise. I pumped my legs back and forth, faster and faster, exhilaration taking me over and putting sense back into the world. Everything was going to be okay. I had strength inside of me, I just needed to tap into it. Somehow, Sadie would come around. She had to. I didn’t know if I would be able to take it if she didn’t.

  When I finally stopped, Caleb was sitting beside me in the other swing, quiet and still. My feet dragged along the grass, bringing me to a halt. Racked with grief, the tears started flowing. I didn’t want him to see me cry like this again. I didn’t want to look weak, but there was no way to stop it.

  Would Sadie come around? I had no clue how to make that happen. It felt as though we were holding hands, but where we had once had a firm grip on one another, now our fingertips were barely touching.

  “Feeling any better?” Caleb asked. With most people it may have felt invasive. With him, it felt like he was totally on my side, simply there to catch me as I was falling. It was a weird feeling, since it had only been a couple weeks ago that I didn’t even know he existed.

  “She broke my heart.” They were the only words I could think of.

  “It’s okay to cry, ya know. Hearts don’t break quietly.”

  I sniffled. “What?”

  “I said, hearts don’t break quietly.”

  “That’s beautiful. It’s perfect and simple and true.” While I was trying to come up with my own excuses for letting weakness show through my tears, Caleb had explained it away in four words. Four honest, heart wrenching words.

  Caleb nodded. “It’s what my mother told me when my dad died last year. I was upset and confused and I cried. I didn’t want to. You know, I’m supposed to be a big tough guy.” He smiled at me. “But I cried. She told me that it was okay, that it was natural for my heart to be breaking because my dad wasn’t here anymore. And that they don’t break quietly. I’ve found it to be some of the truest words ever spoken. She’s a smart cookie, that mother of mine.” He got up and stood in front of me, reaching over
to dry my tears with the pad of his thumb.

  “Hearts don’t break quietly.” I murmured. They sure didn’t.

  “Let’s go in. It’s going to get cold out here soon. You know these Alabama springs. Hot during the day and nearly freezing at night.” He reached down and pulled me to my feet, just as he had done the night before. The same sensations ran through me this time, too. My breath caught in my throat, a tiny gasp escaping as he steadied me. We were almost nose to nose.

  In that second, the trees and the grass and the swing set, even the house, fell away from my view. There was only Caleb. He stared into my eyes, his hands holding mine. Tingling warmth coursed through me and I felt wobbly. He leaned forward, and kissed me, lightly at first and then a little bit deeper. Thoughts disappeared. I couldn’t think about anything else. I only felt Caleb’s mouth on mine, and for that one moment, the world felt right again.

  Chapter Fifteen

  The next morning at breakfast, Anna piled my plate full of ham, grits and hash browns. Pure heaven. I speared a chunk of the ham with my fork and stuffed it into my mouth.

  Anna bustled around to Caleb’s seat, even though he wasn’t in the kitchen yet, and filled his plate. I couldn’t help but notice how cute she looked in her hot pink apron and frosted blonde updo.

  “Good Morning.”

  The sound of Caleb’s voice almost made me choke. We hadn’t talked much last night after he kissed me. Anna had come home a few minutes later, and she’d stayed around all night. We didn’t have a chance to mention it. During supper I had felt like one huge ball of nerves and hormones and nausea.

  I hurried to chew the food that was in my mouth, washing it down with a gulp of orange juice so big I could have gone swimming in it.

  “Good morning sweetheart.” Anna said, planting a kiss on the top of his head. “Here’s your breakfast.”

  “Thanks, Mom.” Caleb smiled at his mother and I nearly fell out of my chair. Good God, he was gorgeous. He chose that moment to look in my direction.

  “Good morning, Audrey.” He said easily. He reached for the pitcher of juice and poured some into his glass.

  I cleared my throat. “Good morning, Caleb. How are you?”

  “Fine, thanks. You?”

  The singing on the other end of the kitchen stopped. Anna walked over to the table, hand on hip as she stared at us.

  “Since when are you two so…formal?” She asked with a raised eyebrow.

  “Formal?” Caleb asked. His eyes widened, making him appear innocent. I stifled a grunt and concentrated on my juice.

  “Good morning, Caleb, how are you? Fine, Audrey, how are you?” Anna repeated us in a mocking tone. “What gives, you two?” She looked back and forth between us.

  “Nothing.” Caleb said. He went back to his breakfast, and Anna’s eyes settled on me.

  “Yeah, nothing.” I repeated, my eyes trained on my own plate.

  “Mmm hmmm.” Anna watched us for a second, the two of us eating like we’d never seen food before. “Okay.” She finally said. She turned and went back over to the sink where she’d been filling it with water to clean the dishes.

  Caleb wiped his hand on a napkin. Talk about inhaling food. I hurried to finish the rest of mine.

  “Ready?”

  I forced myself to swallow, even though I hadn’t completely finished chewing. “Yes.” I was anxious to be alone with him. To kiss him, to feel him close to me again.

  “Okay. Let’s go.” He took three steps and was across the kitchen to Anna. Leaning over, he kissed her cheek. “Bye, Mom. Love you.”

  “Love you, too. Bye, Audrey.” Anna waved and bubbles were flung across the floor. She giggled. “Oops.”

  “Bye, Anna. See you later.”

  I rushed out of the house and toward Caleb’s truck. He was beside my door, holding it open for me. I hoped Anna wasn’t watching out the window or something.

  I scrunched up my nose when I saw the can of dip in his hand. “Ew.”

  Confusion, then amusement, danced in his eyes. “What?” He said as he closed the door for me. I waited until he walked around and was seated behind the steering wheel.

  “That’s totally disgusting. Like, swimming in sewer water disgusting.”

  He laughed loudly. “Are you serious?”

  “It’s pretty gross.”

  Caleb stared at me, his dimpled cheeks making him look even cuter, if that were possible.

  “What, because we kissed now you think you can give me advice?” He winked to show he was being playful.

  I felt the scarlet blush spread across my cheeks. Watch it, Audrey. Soon he’s going to think you permanently look like a tomato. I couldn’t help it though. Everything about Caleb made me nervous.

  The ride to school was quiet. Caleb’s fingers had inched over towards mine once we left the driveway, his index finger holding onto mine on the short ride. I ached to feel his kiss again, but where? There was no chance for privacy.

  When we pulled into the parking lot, Caleb got out and came over to open my door again. Once I was out, we fell into step beside each other, heading for the building.

  “I have baseball practice this afternoon, so I won’t be able to leave school until around five or so.”

  I didn’t want to show my disappointment. “Okay. I can catch the bus.”

  “Or you could come to the field and watch. Nobody would mind. Lots of the guys have their girls come and watch them practice.”

  My heart ballooned in my chest. Their girls?

  Caleb seemed to realize what he’d implied as he watched my face. “I mean, I was just saying that it would be okay if you were there, that it wouldn’t be trouble or anything. You wouldn’t be the only one, is what I meant to say.” He cleared his throat.

  I hesitated. If I said no, would he look at it as a rejection? If I said yes, would it be admitting that I liked him? Of course he knew I liked him, though. That kiss had said more than that.

  “Sure.” I said. Maybe I could meet more people that way, too. I was starting to realize that I didn’t want to be invisible, after all.

  Caleb nodded. “Good deal. So, I’ll meet you after your last class and you can walk out with me, is that cool? Who do you have fourth block?”

  “Mrs. Reynolds.”

  A hand grabbed at me from behind and jerked me backwards. “What the—“I cried out in alarm. I suddenly felt paralyzed in terror, because I couldn’t think of but one person who would grab me like that.

  “So. Is this who you’re screwing now?” I looked up and saw Zach sneering at me.

  Caleb stepped forward immediately. “Hey. Who the hell are you?”

  I wrestled my arm away from the big buffoon holding me. “Zach! What are you doing here? And just who do you think you are grabbing me like that!”

  I moved closer to Caleb, who reached out and intertwined his fingers with mine. When my eyes met Zach’s I almost second guessed myself. The anger in them seemed to snap out at me, causing friction in the air. My gut told me to push Caleb away, to protect him. Zach looked like he was about to go crazy.

  I found my voice somehow. “What are you doing here?” I repeated.

  “I came to talk to you again, to try and get you to change your mind about going out with me. But I see you’ve already moved on to someone else. I guess you’re a little whore, just like your mama. You remember what happened to your mama, don’t you Audrey?”

  My breath stuck in my throat, gasps barely able to come out. How dare he?

  “It doesn’t seem to me like she wants to talk to you. So I suggest you go back to whatever rock you crawled out from under and leave her alone.” Caleb spoke up, his voice hard and firm.

  “I think you ought to mind your own business, mama’s boy.” Zach shot back.

  Anger radiated within me. This could get out of hand quickly. It wasn’t as if I didn’t think Caleb could take care of himself, if the fight were equal. But I knew Zach, and he wasn’t the kind to exactly play fair. I had to sto
p it before something happened that couldn’t be taken back.

  “Look Zach, why would you think you could change my mind? We were never a couple. We never even went out! You asked me out, I accepted, and then everything went crazy and I changed schools. Sorry. Get over it.”

  It was almost as if you could see steam coming out of his ears when he heard my words. “Oh, that’s how it’s going to be? Fine. Screw you, you little bitch.” He turned and walked to his beat up looking black mustang. He was still staring at us, his dark eyes slicing into me, as he sped out of the parking lot, tires squealing.

  Embarrassment clouded my vision when I realized how many kids were standing around watching our little exchange. “Oh, God.” I whispered, melting into Caleb’s chest. He swiftly put his arm around me and ushered me around the side of the building, away from the hundreds of sets of eyes boring into me.

  “Audrey. Who was that idiot?” Caleb looked over my head, as if he were making sure Zach had left.

  “Zach Cochran. He went to my old school.”

  “And you…”

  I paused, trying to think of what he meant. Then Zach’s words seared into my memory.

  “Is this who you’re screwing now?” He’d asked. Oh, God. Caleb thought…son of a bitch.

  “No! Nothing ever happened between us. I never even went out with him, you heard me say that. He’d asked me out, but it was right before my mama died and the social worker came and threw me in foster care. I don’t know why he would say something like that.”

  I forced myself to look into Caleb’s eyes. In them I read confusion, then understanding. He had no reason to think I was telling the truth. I could only hope he knew enough about me not to question that I was.