Bittersweet Hope

by Ryann Jansen

  “I believe you. You could tell that guy is bad news anyway.” He stepped back a bit. “Why would you ever even want to go out with somebody like that?”

  I sighed. “I don’t know. I guess…he was dangerous. You can tell that, right? It felt like the only power I had, the only thing I could do to hurt my mother, and I wanted to hurt her so badly.”

  No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t force myself to meet his eyes then, after admitting that I’d wanted to make Mama feel pain by going out with someone who could get me into trouble.

  Caleb put one finger under my chin and lifted it, making me look into his face. “Hey. It’s okay. I get it.”

  My mouth parted involuntarily as he leaned down and kissed me, his lips soft and warm. It was just a soft kiss, sweet and airy, with the slightest promise of more to come later. It was perfect.

  “Come on.” He said, his voice quiet. He held my hand and we walked into school together.

  ………………………………………………………………………………………………….

  I stepped out of the lunch line with my fingers gripping my tray again. Only this time, my knees were wobbling a little bit, too. All morning my insides had been clenched together, petrified that Zach would show up again.

  Sierra was nowhere to be found. I figured I should probably tell her about the run-in with Zach, but she didn’t need anything else on her plate. She seemed to be doing so well, better than I’d ever seen her, and I wasn’t willing to screw that up by worrying her over something that didn’t even really matter. I hoped.

  I stepped aside and waited for some of the kids behind me to pay for their lunches and leave the line. After about six of them, Sierra appeared at the register. When she saw me, she walked over.

  “Hey. Why aren’t you sitting down?” She balanced her tray on the palm of one hand and used the other to take a sip of her sweet tea. I pursed my lips, wondering what her reaction would be to what I was about to suggest.

  “Well…what if we sat at a different table today?”

  When I hadn’t been sweating bullets in my morning classes, I’d been daydreaming. About Caleb. I’d gone from one extreme to the other, from fear to weightless bliss. He still might not even realize we were in the same lunch period, but he was about to, because I was going to put the B in bold and go sit with him. Besides, if I didn’t and he looked up and saw me, what would he think? That I didn’t want to see him right now? That I didn’t want to introduce him to my sister? No. It was time for a new Audrey. It was time to do this, ready or not. I felt something with Caleb that I never had before. Comfort, trust, desire. Okay, so I felt a lot of things. But if he could make me feel all those things in just a couple of weeks? Who was I to deny it?

  Sierra narrowed her eyes and looked across the crowded room. “Sit somewhere else? Like where?”

  I glanced toward Caleb’s table. The same people from the week before surrounded him. Today he wasn’t talking to any of them, though. Today he was watching me.

  It took a genuine effort to hold myself upright when our eyes met. One step, then the other, Audrey. One step, then the other. If I took it slow, maybe I could make it over to the table without falling flat on my face.

  I nudged my shoulder in his direction. “Like over there. With him.”

  Sierra followed my eyes. When she saw where I was looking, she tilted her head to the side. “Your foster brother?”

  I blanched and straightened my back. “He is NOT my brother.”

  My sister raised her eyebrows and looked from me to Caleb. It only took her a second to clue in. “Ohhh…”

  I sighed. “Look, we just, we’re becoming friends, that’s all.” Friends who kiss.

  Sierra nodded. “Whatever you say, Aud.”

  I stared at her. That was it? No argument? Who was this and what had she done with my real sister? I knew she was different since going to the Morton’s. Maybe two weeks was enough time to have an impact on anybody. Sadie crossed my mind. I hadn’t been able to see her all morning. I was desperate to talk to her, to try and figure out why she was being the way she was. But right now it was the last thing I wanted to think about. I shook my head and forced my youngest sister out of my mind.

  Sierra nodded her head in Caleb’s direction. “Let’s go already. I’m starving and we only get like twenty minutes or something.”

  We walked through the throng of students to the long wooden table. Caleb stood when we approached. Do guys seriously do that anymore? I shook my head. This was Anna’s son. The guy who opens my car door for me. Of course he does that.

  “Hi.” I said, setting my tray on the table.

  “Hey.” He smiled at me. That same wide smile that caused the lightning bugs to start dancing. Well, forget dancing. They were throwing the party of the millennium.

  Sierra had already sat down, in the seat two down from Caleb. I touched her shoulder. “This is my sister, Sierra.”

  She waved. Her mouth was full of the fake chicken nuggets the school was feeding us. My stomach lurched as I thought about what might really be in them. Looked like I would be waiting until after school to eat.

  Caleb waved his hand around the table after I sat down, gesturing to the people around us.

  “These are the guys. Kevin, Hunter, Simon, and Natalie.”

  The boys all waved and grinned at us. Natalie, the pretty blonde I’d seen before, made a face.

  “Excuse me, Caleb, but I am not a guy. I only have to hang out with you Neanderthals because I want to eat lunch with Simon.” She turned her attention to me and Sierra and smiled. “Hey. I’m Natalie. Simon’s my boyfriend and usually I’m stuck with these idiots alone, so I’m kind of glad you guys are here.”

  Her silky blonde hair fell over her shoulders as she tilted her head toward the group of guys and winked at us. Her smile lit up the room, which was also kind of intimidating. It was a little surprising she was so nice. Most girls probably wouldn’t have been so welcoming. Like it or not, girls were usually cutthroat.

  Sierra gave her a thumbs up and kept eating. I rolled my eyes at my sister and returned Natalie’s smile.

  “Glad we could save you from the frat then.”

  She let out a tinkling laugh. “Yes, that’s exactly what it is over here. Good one.”

  “Yeah, yeah, quit whining.” Simon spoke up beside her, but he wrapped a thick arm around her slender waist as he said it.

  “Are you guys new in town?” He said, turning his attention to me and Sierra. His brown eyes were squinted, like he was trying to remember if he’d seen us before.

  “Not…exactly. We went to RCHS.” I wasn’t sure how to explain our transfer. The fear that they’d heard about the pitiful Emerson girls suddenly hit me. Or worse, that they knew Zach somehow. Though they didn’t really seem like the types who would know Zach. Did they have friends at Rocky Creek? My stomach began a weak gurgle.

  “Ooh, sleeping with the enemy, Whitley?” Kevin laughed as he raised his eyebrows at Caleb.

  Okay, so much for the friends theory. I’d forgotten about the rivalry again.

  “Shut it, asswipe. Nobody’s sleeping with anybody.” Caleb looked at me and it felt like I was blushing all the way down to my toenails. I must have looked like a lobster.

  “We’re not the enemy,” Sierra said through bites, “we hated that hell hole.”

  “Oh, yeah?” Kevin asked. “Is that why y’all moved? So you could transfer?”

  “Yeah, and how’d you zone in on ‘em before anybody else?” Hunter asked Caleb, looking me and Sierra up and down. I squirmed on my seat, and Caleb put his hand on my leg. Fire rushed through me, his touch warming every inch of me and making me feel calm and excited at the same time.

  I wasn’t sure how to answer Kevin’s question. It didn’t really seem necessary for them to know we were foster kids. Caleb opened his mouth to say something, but my winning personality of a sister beat him to the punch.

  “We were put in foster
care because our mom got killed. Audrey is staying with Caleb’s family and I’m with a family named the Morton’s. They’re old, you guys probably don’t know them.” She stuffed more food in her mouth. It was like it didn’t even register with her that she’d just mortified the entire table other than herself.

  A hush fell over the group. I felt like every single person in the cafeteria must be staring at us instead of just the four people at the table.

  Damn Sierra! Why did she have to bring up Mama, too. It was hard not to let myself think about her, but I thought I’d been doing a pretty good job of it lately. It didn’t ever help anything to let her cross my mind, so pushing her memory away was the only option. Pain and anger squeezed at my lungs.

  “Sierra.” I said under my breath.

  “What?” She asked. “It’s the truth. He asked how we were transferred and I told him.”

  Caleb spoke up. “Yeah, my mother thought Audrey was going to be my new sister.” He smiled at me. “She might end up being surprised though.”

  His statement was met with outbursts from all of the guys and a shocked look from my sister. My mouth hung open as I tried to let his words sink in. My face burned hotter, and the heat radiated all the way down to my ankles.

  Maybe this lobster thing was going to be permanent. I knew he was trying to deflect the attention away from Sierra’s bomb, but these people were seriously going to wonder if red was my natural color.

  Two could play his little game. If he was going to embarrass me, I could embarrass him. Since I had this brave new version of me going on. Sort of. I bit my lip and batted my eyelashes.

  “Oh but brother, dear,” I said, “We couldn’t disappoint Anna. I do like your mother very much you know—I mean, our mother.”

  Caleb sat slack jawed for about a second before a grin spread across his handsome face. He knew exactly what I was doing, and he shrugged.

  “I guess I’ll just have to change your mind, then.” He widened his eyes as he looked at me, and pursed his lips.

  “We’ll see.” I smiled sweetly and turned back to my lunch, trying not to laugh. Everyone sat, still stunned for a few minutes before the conversation turned to baseball and the new action movie coming out. Normal stuff. I could hardly believe we’d taken the foster kid thing and twisted it to make it seem funny and not humiliating. Maybe we made a pretty good team.

  Chapter Sixteen

  I tapped my fingers restlessly against my locker as I waited for Caleb to show up. My eyes fell on a girl just down the hall from me, wearing clothes that were way too short and tight for school. Oops. Damn, I really need to quit being so judgmental! As I took in the outfit, I blinked. Surely that was not my sister.

  I stared at her. The Sadie I knew still had a baby face and dressed like a fifteen year old. Okay, well she had no choice in how she dressed because we didn’t have any money to buy her any clothes, but she would never be dressed like that.

  That Sadie wore blue jean shorts as short as the school would allow, with black lace leggings streaming out of them. She had on a super tight white tank top and a short black vest open over it. The silver hoop earrings hanging from her ears were as big around as a soda can. Her hair was gunked up with hairspray or gel or some other nasty oozy stuff. And the ten pounds of make-up she had on hid her gorgeous porcelain skin and the light in those beautiful gray eyes. That was not my Sadie. No way.

  Yesterday had been bad enough. The drinking. The attitude. But now this? Dressing like this for the entire world to see? It was just too much. It was way more than too much. Anger and fear boiled through my blood, popping crazily. Not caring about waiting for Caleb anymore, or anything else for that matter, I marched toward her.

  “Did you fall and hit your head or something?” It was next to impossible to keep the tone of my voice even. Venom seeped into it without my permission.

  Sadie looked up and scowled at me. “Buzz off, Audrey.”

  “WHAT?”

  “You heard me.” She turned to leave but I grabbed her elbow.

  “I don’t understand why you’re doing this. This is not you. This has never been you. This is…Tori.”

  Fury snapped in my sister’s eyes. “Leave Tori out of it.”

  “But Sadie, look at what she’s turning you into. She’s brainwashing you or something. I have got to get you out of that house, I have to—“

  “Don’t you dare. Just leave me alone. You don’t know anything. You think you know me, but you don’t. You were too busy at your job and trying to keep our crack whore mother from od’ing to pay any attention to me, cooped up in that rat hole every day. You never asked me how I felt about things, what it felt like to sit there all the time, just wondering what life would be like with friends and places to go and things to see. Now I have that, I have a friend. She shows me how to have fun. Deal with it.”

  “But she’s showing you the wrong kind of fun!” I sputtered, no idea how to get through her thick head.

  “I said leave. Me. The. Hell. Alone.”

  My face stung as if she’d slapped me. Stumbling against the lockers, my eyes shot in every direction, trying to focus on something so I could stop feeling so dizzy. Sadie stomped off down the hall, her shoes making a vicious clinking sound. The noise fizzled in my head, mixing with confusion.

  I started to go after her, but a strong arm pulled at me from behind. I screamed, remembering Zach. But when I turned around, it was Caleb, pulling me to him and holding me tight against his chest, protecting me from my own storm of emotion.

  “You heard it all, didn’t you?” The speckled pattern on the floor made my head hurt as I stared at it. The dots were starting to form their own version of a rollercoaster and my eyes followed it, dizziness overtaking me.

  “At least she wasn’t getting wasted today.”

  I sucked in my breath and pulled back, frowning at him. “So completely not funny right now.”

  Caleb reached out and put my hand in his. “Sorry. I was just trying to make you laugh.”

  My heart softened, watching the corners of his mouth turn down and his eyes search my face. Of course he was. Caleb had proven to be a buffer for whatever negative emotion I was feeling. Right now was different. Sadie’s words still hurt, and even his handsome face couldn’t push them out of my head.

  A jumbled string of memories ran through my head. Me, running from school to work. Finding Mama in different hotel rooms around town, drugged out of her mind and half naked, because she’d traded sex for coke or heroin. Sierra and Sadie, looking sad or miserable or angry at home. I hadn’t spent enough time there the past year or so. But there had always been something else to do, another problem to face. And I’d tried to do it all on my own, to spare them. Only, it had made Sadie feel neglected instead. No matter what I did, it was wrong.

  I could have stood in that very spot and obsessed about it for hours, but it wouldn’t have done any good. Sadie wouldn’t talk to me, she wouldn’t listen to anything I had to say. The only thing to do was try and keep myself in good spirits somehow, try and clear my mind so I could figure out some way to help her or to make her see. Wallowing never accomplished anything.

  I met Caleb’s eyes again. “Let’s just go, okay?”

  He nodded, and we headed outside. “She’s been through a lot. You guys are allowed some bad days, you know.” He slipped his hand in mine again as we walked.

  “It’s not just that, though. For some reason Sadie feels like Tori is all she has now. I just, I don’t get it. How could she not know how much she means to me? And Sierra. It’s important that we don’t let this tear us apart.”

  We moved in silence until we reached the baseball field. People were talking and laughing all around me, not a worry in the world. It felt out of place against the backdrop of my grief. Caleb paused and put his hand on my shoulder, facing me.

  He touched my chin with one finger and lifted my head until our eyes met. “You have to let her breathe, Audrey. She might make some mistakes, but you’r
e not her mother. You never were, even though I know you probably had to be most of the time. She’ll be alright. Remember, her heart is probably breaking, too. It’s just being really, really loud.”

  “Maybe.” He was probably right, in the long run. The long run just felt so very, very far away.

  “Okay then. Try and relax, have a little fun. I don’t think you’ve had too much of that. Ever. But you know, I can change that for you.” He winked at me.

  I hadn’t. No parties, no football games, no school dances. It was too late for most of that now. But not for my sisters. They could still have those things if they wanted. Maybe Sadie was acting out a bit. Most kids her age did. She would have to learn her own lessons. I pushed the nagging feeling away and tried to lighten up.

  Straightening my shoulders, I looked at him and smiled. “You’re right. Go have fun at practice. I’ll be right here to laugh at you if you mess up.”

  His blue eyes sparkled. “Now, that’s more like it.” He winked again and jogged off toward the gate to join the other guys.

  The scene before me finally completely registered. The guys on the field wore Thorne County baseball uniforms, gray pants and black shirts. We were the tornadoes. My gaze swept over Caleb. I hadn’t even noticed he was wearing a uniform. How could I not notice that? He looked amazing in the fitted—well, in the fitted everything.

  “Hey, Audrey!”

  I turned toward the sound of my name being called and spotted Natalie sitting on the top row of the bleachers with a couple other girls. Thank God I didn’t have to sit alone climbed to reach them, the sounds of my steps clinking as I bounded up each set of bleachers.

  She smiled at me and motioned to her friends. “This is Caroline and Josie, Simon’s sisters. This is Audrey. She’s with Caleb.” She didn’t mention the foster sister part, no matter how loosely the sister label might be becoming. I was thankful for that.

  “Caleb Whitley, huh? Lucky girl. He’s a prize.” Caroline spoke up. She shook her bleached blonde hair off her shoulders. Her eyes shone with approval, but it seemed like the lines of her mouth were also twisted with jealousy.