Something Found

by Carrie Crafton

  Joseph gave her a very direct look. He folded up his newspaper and sighed. “Did you really? Is that why you’re here?”

  Emily blushed. “Well . . . .”

  There was a moment when Emily thought things might go very badly. Joseph stared at her in a funny way and she couldn’t quite read his expression. She waited to see if she’d already blundered in and messed things up with this man she was becoming very fond of.

  “Maybe you’re being a bit nosey child.”

  Emily felt her pulse quicken.

  “Or maybe you’re just concerned for your new family.”

  “I wasn’t trying to . . . . I mean I was just . . . .” Emily trailed off into silence not sure how to justify budding in.

  Frank came by and placed Emily’s drink in front of her and sensing a tense moment excused himself without comment.

  But Joseph chuckled and his face brightened. “It seems you’ve caught me Emily. And I could probably come up with about five or six really good lies to explain myself but the truth is I don’t want to.”

  Emily didn’t even notice the drink in front of her. She was too intent on Joseph, hanging on the words he was about to say.

  “I, my dear daughter-in-law-,”

  She took a deep breath in.

  “Have,” he paused.

  And it caught in her throat as she waited.

  “A girlfriend.”

  And then she let it out. It was a very anticlimactic moment. “Oh.” She was sure she looked confused so she tried to change her expression. “Well that’s great.”

  “I know, isn’t it?” He took a sip of his Guinness.

  “But it doesn’t explain why your kids thinks you’re visiting your brother,” Emily persisted.

  “Then you don’t know my kids very well.”

  Emily finally looked down and noticed the hot port.

  “It’s not as good when it’s cold.” Joseph nodded towards it as well.

  Emily took a sip, waiting for him to get to the point.

  “You see a few years ago I met an absolutely wonderful woman named Anne. She was smart, she was funny, and she was quite a looker,” he said with a wink. “And I couldn’t wait for my kids to meet her. I thought they’d love her. And I thought they’d be happy for me. It wasn’t until then that I realized just how rude my kids can be when they want to be.”

  “No?!” Emily blurted in disbelief.

  “Oh yes. I know they loved their mam and I know they still miss her, and I know that my relationship with her was special and can never be duplicated, but I didn’t actually think they’d begrudge me the chance to find somebody new, to find something new. I was wrong. They scared her off pretty fast and I wasn’t man enough to stand up for myself or her.”

  “But if they scared her off-.”

  “The woman I’m dating now and have been dating for the last year is named Martha. And I’m still not so sure I want the kids to meet her.”

  “But you disappear for weeks at a time.” Emily was still trying to put the whole story together. “Why?”

  “It’s easier for the kids to believe I’m at my brother’s that way. And I can stay at Martha’s seeing her for a whole week without interruption,” he said with a sly smile.

  “But you’re still in town, don’t you ever worry they’ll find out?”

  “In the beginning I did. I even made sure my brother Patrick would cover for me if it ever came up. He’s older than me and lives out in the country. He hasn’t got too much going on to spice up his life and he liked being involved in the cover up. In those early days I made sure not to leave Martha’s place at all. But she goes in to volunteer at a charity clothes shop from twelve to four Monday through Friday and I started to get bored. I know where the boys are during the day. Joni is the only one who might see me. Not that any of them have come in here since their mam passed. I used to be more careful, but lately . . . well, maybe I’m getting sick of sneaking around like a teenager. It was kind of fun at first, but . . . . it’s embarrassing. And I think Martha’s getting sick of it as well.”

  “That explains why you kept looking at your watch the last time I was in here.”

  “Hmmm?”

  “It was going on four. I thought I was boring you or something but you were just waiting for Martha.” Emily smiled enamored by the idea of Joseph in love.

  “She sometimes meets me here for one before we head home.”

  “I still can’t believe your family would be so horrible.”

  “Believe it,” Joseph said firmly.

  “But the other relationship was a while ago. Maybe they wouldn’t be that way now.”

  “Maybe,” Joseph’s tone was doubtful.

  “Well I’d like to meet her.” Again Emily felt she’d overstepped herself. “I mean if you don’t mind of course,” she added quickly.

  Joseph felt the warm glow of love towards this optimistic girl across from him. “No. I wouldn’t mind. It’d be nice really. I think Martha’d like that.”

  Emily reached out impulsively to put her hand on Joseph’s forearm. “Well I’m happy for you.”

  “Thank you.” Joseph covered her small delicate fingers with his large callused hand. “It’s nice to actually be able to say it out loud to a member of the family.”

  Emily beamed back at him. It meant so much that he’d already accepted her. “And I won’t tell Collin.”

  Joseph shrugged. “Maybe you should. Maybe it would be easier that way, if he heard it from you.”

  Emily shook her head. “No. I don’t think so. Not right now anyway.”

  Emily stayed for one more drink and then decided it was time to head home. She wanted to meet Martha but she thought she’d better give Joseph the chance to tell her first. She left him to his paper and his Guinness but couldn’t stop thinking about him on her walk. Here he was a man who’d suffered so much, who’d lost his wife and raised his kids on his own, he’d finally found some happiness with another woman and now his own children wouldn’t let him enjoy it. It wasn’t right. Everybody deserved a second chance at happiness.

  Even as Emily thought the words she could feel her own guilt coming back. She could hear her mother’s nervous voice trying to make an opening gesture over the phone. Collin had accused her of not being able to see her mother as a person but he had made the same mistake with his father and she saw how wrong that was. It annoyed her to have to turn that same logic around on herself. But there it was.

  Emily began to wonder at what point she’d stopped reaching out to her mom and started turning her energy towards punishing her. Because that’s what she’d done and that’s what she was still doing only she no longer knew why. At first it had been because her mother seemed cold, and then it had been because she thought it was her mother’s fault her father left her. But she knew those weren’t the reasons anymore.

  Emily froze in her tracks as she unexpectedly felt and placed the anger that was still inside her. It was something almost too horrible to admit but she could no longer deny it. She was punishing her mom for still being alive while Jeremy was dead. She felt the blood drain from her face as she accepted it as the truth. She never could have put it into words before, but suddenly it was very clear.

  Emily looked around her and for a moment couldn’t place where she was or how she’d gotten there. Nothing looked familiar. She felt lost and alone. But instead of seeking Jeremy’s company all she wanted was to get to a phone as quickly as possible. She desperately needed to call her mom.

  In a second she was back again and her pace was doubled carrying her forward as fast as her legs could go.

  Was that what her mom had done? Punished her for being the one that was left when the man she loved was gone? Could she understand and accept that? Could she forgive her mom for that? Or was she jumping to conclusions again? How was she supposed to figure any of it out?

  She barely took the time to take off her coat in her haste to get to the phone. She looked at the clock and did the menta
l calculation. It would be about nine o’clock in Minnesota. She could call her mom at work and get ahold of her before she was too busy.

  Emily sat on the couch with the phone in hand. She started dialing as she kicked her shoes off and pulled her legs up against herself. She was embarrassed by how nervous she felt calling her own mother but didn’t have long to think about it.

  “Carlton and Smith’s offices, this is Jocelyn, how can I help you?”

  Emily listened to the sound of her mother’s voice and found her own was caught in her throat. “Mom,” she struggled to get the word out.

  “Emily?”

  “Yeah. Are you busy?”

  “No. Not yet. I can talk,” her mother quickly reassured her. “How are you?”

  “Good. I’m good Mom. I’m settling in.” Emily’s free hand fidgeted, playing with the blanket next to her unconsciously. “I’m getting to know Collin’s family better and better. They’re all really nice.” She heard these mundane words coming out of her mouth while her heart continued to race.

  “Good. Good. They seemed like nice people at the wedding. And Collin, how are the two of you doing?”

  She could hear the concern in her mother’s voice. It came out awkwardly but it was there. Before she would have been offended by it. She would have assumed her mother was judging her relationship. But now she was able to hear the love there. Her mom just wanted to know she was okay.

  “We’re doing well. We really are. It’s weird, adjusting to things here. It’s a little hard sometimes. But Collin and I are good.” It was the most she’d opened up to her mom in years.

  “Well that’s to be expected I suppose. I was worried about it. But I know you’re strong enough to get through it.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Emily,” there was a pause, something muffled and emotional, “I’m just so happy to hear your voice.”

  “It’s good to hear yours too mom.” Emily was surprised by how much she really meant it. “How’re you doing?”

  “Oh the same as always,” her mother said lightly, keeping the conversation from getting too emotional “Hank is helping me to plant my tulip bulbs for next spring. He even suggested we get a puppy. Can you imagine me with a puppy? But I kind of like the idea.”

  Emily fought down the resentment that still sprang up so easily. She made the child who had yearned for a puppy for years shut up and tried to be happy for her mother. “I bet you’d be great with one. So long as it doesn’t trample your garden.”

  Emily could hear her mother’s voice become more serious. “I never thought of that.”

  “Look Mom, I won’t keep you too long. I know you’re at work. But I’ll call again soon. I promise. We have a lot to talk about.” Those last words were the hardest to say. It wasn’t easy for her to admit she was ready to talk about the past. She still preferred running from it.

  “Yes Emily. We do,” her mother’s voice was solemn, acknowledging what Emily was getting at. “We really do.”

  There was another uncomfortable pause and Emily didn’t know how to fill it.

  “Well, give my love to Collin. And I love you too Emily.”

  “I know. I love you too Mom.”

  Emily hung up the phone. It had been awkward and uncomfortable, but it was a start.

  Chapter 9

  “Collin, what was your mom like?”

  It was Saturday morning. They’d headed straight to the bar when Collin came home from work the night before. It was becoming their usual Friday night routine. They’d met Martin and Greg and Greg’s wife Nancy out. They were all friends from Collin’s school days. The conversation had remained light and easy. Emily had sat between Collin and Nancy and occasionally the girls branched off into their own conversation but for the most part they all interacted together. Emily enjoyed herself but she didn’t drink as much as the rest of them. At the end of the night she was the one steering Collin’s drunken swagger home.

  “Hmm?”

  He was awake. Emily knew he was awake from his tossing and turning and the way he was breathing. Once Collin was awake he didn’t usually fall back to sleep. It was a habit that often annoyed her. But since Emily had gone to bed still relatively sober she’d woken without any side effects.

  She crawled from the bed, searching briefly for her slippers, and made her way to the bathroom to refill the empty pint glass with water. “Here.”

  Collin blinked a few times before managing to keep his eyes open and then take the proffered glass. “Thanks,” he croaked.

  Emily crawled back into bed curling her body around his. “What was your mom like?” she repeated.

  “Huh?”

  “The woman who gave birth to you,” she teased, using his line, “what was she like?”

  “Isn’t it a little early for this Em?”

  “I talked to my mom yesterday.” Even as she confessed it her voice became softer. It wasn’t an easy thing to share.

  “Oh?” His sleepiness faded and was replaced by genuine interest. “How’d it go?”

  “Good,” Emily listened to the word, curious to see how it sounded. “It went well,” she reiterated and was surprised to hear the truth in her words.

  “I knew it would,” Collin said confidently.

  “No,” Emily shook her head, rubbing it back and forth against his chest. “You still don’t understand.”

  Collin’s silence was a question waiting for an explanation.

  Emily tilted her chin up to see his face but instead found herself looking up his nose. She tilted it down again. “It was only a start. There’s still so much not said between us. But I guess I’m realizing some of the issues we have are my fault.”

  “No?!” Collin said in mock disbelief.

  “Shut up Collin.” Emily gave him a light pinch. It was a teasing gesture but her features didn’t match it. Her mind was still on the phone call.

  “My Emily at fault?! Never?!” Collin continued with the joke.

  Emily ignored him. “So I was wondering at what point you started to see your mom as a person instead of just a mom. Or if you didn’t because she died when you were so young. And if you see your dad as a person now or just a dad.”

  “Jesus Em. I’m barely awake.”

  “I know but as soon as you are awake you’re just going to start hinting that we head out drinking, because that’s what you always do on the weekend, and then you’ll call up some friends and then I won’t get to talk to you about it.”

  Collin was shocked at this barefaced comment. “Are you saying I have a drinking problem?”

  “We both know you have a drinking problem. And I’m probably developing one too. But I think it’s mostly because you have an, ‘I don’t like my job problem’. But that’s not what I’m talking about right now.”

  It was the lack of humor when she spoke that prompted Collin to feel indignant. “Well if that’s really how you feel maybe it’s what we should be talking about right now.”

  “Why? What’s there to say about it? You don’t want to stop drinking and I’m not asking you to. It’s not affecting things that much and I do have faith in you that you’ll change. But that’s me putting pressure on you and that’s not going to help anything either. I hope eventually you put your energy into finding something that makes you happy besides alcohol. But that’s your business.”

  Collin knew Emily could be this way. She claimed it was because she was a Virgo but he thought there had to be more to it than that. Sometimes she could be the most emotional woman in the world and then she would follow it up with this eerie ability to be completely pragmatic. It unnerved him.

  “Right now I’m asking about your mom.”

  Collin wasn’t sure if he should pull away from her or wrap his arms more tightly around her. He wasn’t sure if he should be offended or happy with his wife’s attitude. And the slight hangover from drinking the night before wasn’t helping to make things any clearer. “My mam was a wonderful person,” he said eventually, because
it was the only thing he could think to say.

  “Yes. I know that. But when you think about her now do you still see her as this mom figure or do you see her as a woman?”

  “I don’t know?” Against his will Collin found himself being pulled into the conversation. “I guess a little of both. I have my memories where she’s definitely a mam. But then other times I can think about the decisions she made and the way she lived her life and respect the person she was to make those choices.”

  “Is there anything she did that you wouldn’t agree with? Or at least wouldn’t look as favorably on?”

  Sometimes Emily’s insatiable need to know all the little details of his life was a bit much for Collin. He generally didn’t talk about these things with his friends. But since Emily was trying to gain some perspective on her relationship with her own mother he tried to be patient with her. “I used to think she encouraged us to dream too much. I didn’t think that when I was little. But I did after she died. I felt like she didn’t prepare me for the bad things that could happen.”

  “And what about now?”

  “Now I don’t know if it was right or wrong but I can understand why she did it. That was just her way of doing things. She wanted the world to seem open to us with no limitations.”

  Emily nodded, satisfied with this answer. “I don’t think I ever really tried to understand my mom. I fooled myself into thinking I’d tried on occasion, but really I was too bitter to ever see things from her perspective.”

  “And now?”

  “I’m trying. But I wouldn’t say I’m completely there yet.”

  “Well at least you’re being honest about it.”

  Emily frowned refusing to let Collin’s praise sink in. All she’d done was take the first step. She still had a long way to go. “And what about your dad? Do you see him as a person?”

  “No. I see him as an alien. Enough already Em. I at least need some coffee before we continue with this.”

  Emily wasn’t brave enough to push the point. She let it drop for the time being.