Blob

by David Walliams

  The next morning at break, Bob stole off to the library. It was his favourite place in the whole of Grottington School. The library offered peace and quiet from the bullies who teased him for his funny face.

  Bullies are never into books. Reading makes their brains hurt.

  In the corner of the library reserved for books about animals, Bob found what he was looking for:

  Bob sat cross-legged on the library floor. Skimming past the well-thumbed pages on the deadly fish that children are always drawn to – the sharks, piranhas and stingrays – the boy finally found an entry for the blobfish. In such an enormous book, it seemed unfair that this particular fish was given so little space. It had barely more than a postage-stamp-sized entry. Bob had to squint to read it. In the very few lines of description, Bob learned that the blobfish was a deep-sea fish, with a body made up of jelly. The final sentence in the entry read: “The blobfish is considered to be the ugliest animal in the world.”

  Bob felt sad for a moment. What an awful thing to be best at – ugliness. It wasn’t the fastest, the cleverest, the biggest, the smallest, or the deadliest. It was the ugliest. No wonder nobody who visited Sir Basil’s Zoo stopped to look at the thing. Except of course that one little girl who vomited her Alphabetti spaghetti over the tank.

  Just as Bob was about to put the book back on the shelf, he felt a long shadow cross his face. Looking up, he realised that looming over him was Stubbs, with his gang behind him.

  I say “looming”. Stubbs was only slightly taller than Bob when Bob was sitting down. Stubbs was the shortest boy in the whole school. Maybe that’s why he turned into a bully, to show everyone how powerful he was, even though he only came up to the teachers’ knees. It was as if a ten-tonne truck had been dropped on his head, squashing him. But he was the hardest child in Grottington School, which was full of hard children.

  Stubby Stubbs was even harder than:

  Bob stood up and realised he was now a fair bit taller than Stubbs. Still, Stubbs scared him.

  “’Ello, Blob,” said the bully.

  “HA! HA!” Stubbs’s two henchmen Gaz and Baz laughed, even though Stubbs had called Bob “Blob” a thousand times before. It hadn’t been funny the first time, let alone now.

  “We looked all over school for you,” said Stubbs. “What is this strange place? I’ve never seen it before.”

  “It’s the library,” replied Bob.

  “What’s that all about then?”

  “It’s a home for books.”

  “What are they all about then?”

  Bob looked around the shelves and shelves of books. “I’m not sure I’ve got time to go into all that, but it’s been smashing to see you three.”

  The boy tried to pass, but the bullies blocked his path.

  “Wot you readin’?” demanded Stubbs, snatching the book off him.

  Stubbs’s stubby fingers tore at a page – and in his hands was the picture of the blobfish.

  “Ha! Ha! Look, boys,” began the bully, “Blob’s reading about himself!”

  Stubbs’s gang of two looked over their leader’s shoulder.

  “I don’t get it,” said Baz.

  Stubbs looked embarrassed by his gang’s thickery, but pressed on.

  “Well, we call Bob ‘Blob’, and this ’ere is a ‘blobfish’,” he explained.

  “Oh yes,” said Gaz.

  “I still don’t get it,” said Baz.

  Stubbs shook his head wearily, but pressed on with the bullying. He held up the ripped-out page next to Bob’s head.

  “Spot the difference! Ha! Ha! I can’t!” exclaimed Stubbs.

  The henchmen looked confused.

  “One is a boy …” began Gaz.

  “… and that other is a piece of paper with a picture of a fish on it,” continued Baz.

  Bob sighed. This was just the latest in a long list of horrible things the Stubbs gang had done to him.

  There was the time when they put a large spider in between two slices of bread in Bob’s lunch box.

  Bob would never forget when the gang made him drink tea from his own sock.

  Or the time when they buried his homework in the football field.

  There was also the time when the gang forced him to eat a cracker smothered in their own foot-cheese.

  And who could forget the day when the Stubbs gang made Bob walk around school with a Brussels sprout in each nostril? Poor Bob looked like he had two giant bogies hanging from his hooter.

  There was the time when they tricked Bob into thinking it was dress-up day at Grottington School. The boy came dressed as a robot, wrapped in tin foil while everybody else was in school uniform.

  And the day when the gang thought it was hilarious to fill his school bag with custard.

  One time they put a loo seat over Bob’s head and made him pretend to all the other children it was a trendy new scarf.

  Bob had got into trouble when they scratched “BOB WOZ ’ERE” on the headmistress Miss Veer’s office door.

  And of course there was the day they made Bob put two footballs down the back of his trousers so it looked like he had a massive inflatable bottom.

  “Ha! Ha!” Stubbs pressed on with his joke. “Spot the difference! I can’t!”

  Bob knew that Stubbs wanted to upset him. Like all bullies, what Stubbs loved was to make his victim cry.

  But the boy had an idea. He wouldn’t cry. He would laugh!

  “HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!”

  Bob glanced at the picture of his supposed lookalike, the blobfish. Then he screwed up his face to look as much like the world’s ugliest animal as possible. He even pretended to blow a bubble of air from his mouth, like the real one had the day before in the zoo.

  The two henchmen laughed.

  “HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!”

  “Now that is funny!” said Gaz.

  “Can he be in our gang, Boss?” asked Baz.

  Stubbs was not amused. He hated that Bob was making his henchmen laugh. It took away his power. And bullies love power.

  “Blob! Stop being funny!” ordered Stubbs.

  This made Bob want to be funnier and funnier and funnier. The boy opened his eyes as wide as they would go, picked up the book and put it on his back as if it was a fin.

  thundered Stubbs.

  But there was no stopping Bob. He brushed past the bullies and pretended to swim around the room, weaving in and out of the bookcases. Soon the other children in the library were laughing too.

  “HA! HA! HA!”

  Even the rather proper librarian Miss Browse couldn’t help but snort. Stubbs looked on with fury as Bob “swam” out of the library, and out of the clutches of the bullies.

  As he turned a corner and got his breath back, Bob realised something.

  Something important.

  He had made something bad into something good.

  Stubbs had said he looked like this fish. And maybe he did a little. But by playing up to it, he’d beaten the bullies at their own game.

  As the school bell rang at the end of the day, Bob made his way to Sir Basil’s Zoo. Today he skipped all the way there. A brilliant thought had crossed his mind.

  He could try to teach the blobfish the same trick.

  Winston the kindly zookeeper sneaked the boy in through the back gate of Sir Basil’s Zoo again.

  “Welcome, welcome, welcome back, Mr Bob!”

  “Thank you so much, Winston. This is so kind of you. Sorry I don’t have the money to buy a ticket.”

  “That’s all right. We got away with it once, but we have to be careful. If Sir Basil Basildon sees you coming in this way, we’ll both be in deep doo-doo.”

  “I understand,” replied Bob, nodding seriously but trying not to smile at the word “doo-doo”.

  “So, what animal have you come to see at our little zoo today, Mr Bob?”

  “The blobfish!”

  “Again?!”

  “Yes! I’ve be
en reading up all about it in the school library.”

  “Best of luck spotting our little friend.”

  “I have an idea to try and get him out of his shell.”

  Winston looked mightily confused. “But, Mr Bob, the blobfish doesn’t have a shell.”

  “I mean, get him to not be so shy.”

  “Oh, that would be wonderful! As soon as I’ve mucked out the hippopotamus, I’ll head over.”

  The boy rushed to the aquarium, past the octopus and the stingray, both of which had crowds of children gathered around them.

  As usual, no one was looking at the tank that housed the blobfish. And once again the blobfish was nowhere to be seen.

  Bob peered deep into the murky water. Once again he tapped on the glass.

  Nothing.

  He tapped harder this time.

  Still nothing.

  Bob tapped as hard as could.

  After a few moments, he saw a swirl of sand and slowly the blobfish came into view.

  The fish looked timid at first. He hovered at the back of his tank, stealing glances at the boy on the other side of the glass.

  Why is this annoying child here again? the fish wondered, and hoped he hadn’t been eating Alphabetti spaghetti.

  Bob set his plan into action. The boy started to do his best impression of the fish. He widened his eyes and mouth, and pretended to blow bubbles of air.

  The fish stared at the boy. What was this strange visitor doing now?

  Bob tried again. He widened his eyes and mouth as far as they would go, and blew the biggest bubble he could.

  The fish swam right up to the glass.

  Then the most incredible thing happened.

  The blobfish began copying the boy.

  Bob blinked.

  Blob blinked.

  Bob blew a bubble.

  Blob blew a bubble.

  Bob twisted and turned.

  Blob twisted and turned.

  Soon a crowd of children had gathered around the blobfish tank. This was turning into quite a show.

  Bob pushed his face right up against the glass.

  Blob did the same.

  Bob squashed his nose. Blob squashed his nose.

  “HA! HA! HA!” The other children were in hysterics.

  Winston was busy feeding the piranhas, but hearing all the commotion, the zookeeper huffed and puffed his way over to see what was going on.

  A huge smile spread across the old man’s face.

  “Mr Bob and Mr Blob! The best double act in town!” Winston laughed heartily. “HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!”

  The laughter made Bob feel funnier. The boy was on a roll now. He flapped his arms. Blob flapped his fins. Bob floated up. The fish floated up. Bob floated down. Blob floated down.

  The children all applauded.

  Finally, as an encore, Bob wiggled his bottom. Then Blob wiggled his bottom.

  A huge cheer broke out.

  “HOORAY!” shouted Winston and all the visitors. Bob smiled and took a bow. Then Blob did too.

  The boy put his hand up to the thick glass. The fish put his fin up. It was as if they were touching.

  Winston put his hand on the boy’s shoulder. “In all my years working at the zoo, I have never seen anything so joyous. Well done, boy!”

  “Thank you, Winston. But I’m just getting started.”

  “What do you mean, Mr Bob?” asked the zookeeper.

  But before he could answer, the boy was gone …

  Bob’s first stop was the proboscis monkey.

  He was sitting alone on a branch at the back of his cage, ignoring the world.

  “Hello!” called Bob.

  The monkey didn’t turn round.

  “HELLO!” Bob called, louder this time.

  The animal hunched his back.

  Bob sighed. Then he had an idea. The boy had a big nose. Not as big as the proboscis monkey’s – no one’s nose was as big as that – but Bob’s nose was still big.

  So Bob started honking his hooter. He pressed his nose with his finger and made a loud hooting noise.

  The boy could see the monkey beginning to stir.

  Bob did it again.

  The monkey looked quickly up over his shoulder.

  The animal’s eyes shone. Slowly he lifted his head. The monkey’s outrageous nose dangled free for all to see.

  The monkey pressed his own hooter.

  The animal looked confused for a moment. Then he pressed his nose again.

  The boy provided the sound effect again.

  The third time the proboscis monkey pushed down on his hooter, he made the honking noise himself.

  Then the most magical thing happened. The monkey actually laughed to himself.

  HA! HA!

  He pressed his nose again. And again.

  Now the monkey didn’t seem shy about having a big nose. He was delighting in it. Instead of hiding it away, he was showing it off for the world to see. Finally the proboscis monkey looked proud to have the dangliest, dongliest nose in the whole of the zoo.

  Though there was quite some competition from …

  the aardvark …

  the toucan …

  and the anteater.

  A crowd of visitors had previously been gathered around the cute chimpanzees, but now everyone was far more excited to see this funny little monkey with his honking hooter.

  As the people were being wowed by this unexpected show, Winston huffed and puffed his way over. But before he had even arrived at the monkey’s cage, Bob had run off to find the next animal.

  “Wait for me!” called the old zookeeper, hurrying after the boy.

  The dugong was floating in her tank, grazing on some seagrass. On the other side of the glass was a group of schoolgirls laughing at the poor creature.

  “She looks like a cow!” said one.

  “A fat cow!” said another.

  “An enormously fat cow!” added a third.

  “Ha! Ha! Ha!” the girls all laughed. Oh, how hilarious they thought they were.

  The dugong dived down under the water to blot out the sound of the girls’ mean mockery.

  Bob had an idea: why not beat the girls at their own game? If they thought this animal looked like a cow, then why shouldn’t she act like a cow?

  He pushed past the girls.

  “Do you mind, you little squirt?” shouted one.

  The boy ignored her and tapped on the glass to get the dugong’s attention. The animal looked the funny-faced boy straight in the eye. But when Bob pointed upwards, gesturing for the dugong to surface, she shook her head. Bob wouldn’t give up. He smiled at her, and put his hands together to plead. Finally, the dugong breathed out through her snout as if she was sighing, and came to the surface.

  Bob climbed up on to a bench so he could look over the tank. The schoolgirls stared at this funny-faced little boy.

  “What on earth is that revolting child doing now?” asked one.

  mooed the boy.

  The animal regarded the boy with a look of puzzlement on her blubbery face.

  mooed Bob again.

  The boy then nodded to the dugong that it was her turn. But she remained silent.

  mooed the boy, louder this time.

  Eventually the dugong mooed back.

  It was a muffled, watery moo, but a moo nonetheless.

  mooed the boy back, as loud as he could.

  mooed the dugong. Now she was playing up to her “sea cow” nickname. The schoolgirls who had been cruelly laughing before were now cheering with delight.

  “This is so jokes!” remarked one.

  Amazingly the animal seemed to smile, and mooed again.

  The sound was so loud it echoed all over the zoo. The penguins next door covered their ears with their little wings.

  Now the schoolgirls were applauding.

  Just then, Winston caught up at last, chuckling with delight at the mooing sea cow. “Well done, boy!” he said, looking around for Bob. But Bob had already dashed off
…

  “WAIT FOR ME!” called out the zookeeper.

  In no time, Bob had all the funniest-looking animals in the zoo putting on shows for the crowds.

  The boy grabbed an umbrella from a grown-up. He twirled it around, teaching the umbrellabird an old-fashioned dance routine.

  Next, the boy pushed his chin down to his chest so his neck bulged out. The marabou stork copied and began proudly showing off his dingly-dangly neck.

  Then he had the elephant seal make a trumpeting sound from his stumpy trunk.

  The real elephant next door looked most displeased to be beaten at her own game, and went into a giant sulk.

  Then Bob put his face up to the aye-aye’s cage and made his eyes go as wide as he could. The little lemur copied him, and in no time at all had the zoo visitors jostling for a look.

  Following that, Bob pinched his nose and blew into it, making it as big as he could. After a few tries, the hooded seal did the same, to the delight of the crowd.

  The sloth was famous for being the slowest animal on earth. The boy taught her to move even slower. The children began playing a game of Grandma’s Footsteps with the sloth, turning around to see if she had moved. She hadn’t.

  Then Bob lifted his nose and marched up and down outside the tapir’s enclosure. The animal followed the boy, pushing her huge cone-shaped nose proudly into the air for all to see.

  Next, the boy showed the warthog how to preen herself as if she was the most beautiful creature on earth. Soon she was posing for the cameras like a supermodel.

  He taught the snapping turtle to open her mouth wide and then snap it shut as fast as she could.

  The zoo visitors were mightily impressed by this strange-looking creature’s skill.

  After that, Bob grabbed a handful of straws from the zoo café and stuck them to the back of his school blazer with chewy sweets. The boy raced over to the echidna’s enclosure, and jumped down on to all fours. The animal looked on curiously, and Bob began arching his back. The echidna did the same, proudly showing off his marvellous long white spikes.