Blob

by David Walliams

  Racing off to the next cage, Bob put his hand over his nose and flicked his fingers in and out. This encouraged the star-nosed mole to show off his most unusual hooter.

  Next, Bob coaxed the spotted handfish out from behind a rock, by gliding his hand across the glass. In no time it was as if the boy’s hand and the fish were swimming together, and the crowd was marvelling at this marvellous creature.

  Soon after, the boy found the pangolin. Bob rolled himself up into a ball and the animal copied him, creating the biggest pine cone the world had ever seen.

  A bottom as bright red as a tomato is nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, it should be celebrated. Bob wiggled his bottom in front of the hamadryas baboon’s cage. The monkey needed little encouragement, and soon was putting on the best bottom-wiggling show ever seen.

  The Komodo dragon looked like a dinosaur. Children love dinosaurs, thought Bob. All he had to do was make the lizard act like a dinosaur. So he taught her to roar like one.

  Soon the dragon’s roar was so loud it could be heard all over the zoo. This was much to the annoyance of the tiger, who had always thought of herself as the best at roaring.

  There was just one more animal, thought Bob. Flushed with the thrill of it all, Bob raced off to find him. But not looking where he was going – the boy ran slap-bang into a grown-up.

  His funny face bounced off the man’s fat tummy.

  “What do you think you’re doing, boy?” came an angry voice.

  The boy looked up. It was the zoo owner, Sir Basil Basildon.

  “I was j-j-just …” spluttered Bob.

  “Spit it out, boy!” boomed Sir Basil. The man’s voice echoed around his zoo.

  “I was just trying to help the animals, sir.”

  “Well, you are NOT helping!” The zoo owner’s face was red with rage. “Making my fish pull funny faces. Encouraging a monkey to squeeze his own nose as if it was a hooter. Now you’re teaching an animal who isn’t supposed to moo to Whatever next? Are you going to teach a frog to ?”

  “Yes, sir. That’s exactly what I was going to do. The pig-nosed frog.”

  This only enraged Sir Basil further. “I don’t want you in my zoo ever again!”

  “B-b-but, sir …”

  “Let me see your ticket, boy.”

  Bob panicked. “An elephant ate it!”

  Sir Basil’s already narrow eyes narrowed.

  “A likely story! So you didn’t even pay to get into my zoo? Right. I’m calling the police!”

  “DON’T!” someone shouted.

  Bob and Sir Basil turned round. Winston the zookeeper was standing just a few paces away, a bucket of fish in his hand.

  “How dare you shout at me?” bellowed the owner.

  “I’m sorry, sir,” spluttered Winston. He was nervous of Sir Basil, as was everyone who worked at the zoo. “But I had to explain. There’s no need to call the police.”

  “Why not? This nasty little runt has sneaked into MY zoo without paying.”

  The boy looked up at the zookeeper. He didn’t know what to say or do.

  “Mr Bob didn’t sneak in,” replied Winston.

  “Then would you care to explain how he got in here without a ticket?”

  There was silence for a moment before the zookeeper mumbled, “I let the boy in for free.”

  “YOU ARE FIRED!” bellowed Sir Basil. “I want you both out of my zoo this instant!”

  “Please, please, please don’t sack him, sir!” pleaded the boy. “Winston loves these animals.”

  “I don’t care.

  The friends shared a despairing look. Then Winston and Bob made their way towards the front gate as the crowds of visitors looked sadly on.

  “I am so sorry,” said the boy.

  “It wasn’t your fault, Mr Bob,” replied the ex-zookeeper.

  Bob bowed his head, as he held on to the old man’s hand.

  All around the zoo, the animals stopped and watched.

  came a sound.

  The boy looked up. It was the proboscis monkey honking his hooter.

  He did it again.

  The dugong let out a ginormous

  The echidna put up his spikes.

  The elephant seal trumpeted through his trunk.

  The snapping turtle snapped again and again and again.

  The Komodo dragon roared the biggest dinosaur roar she could. It would have frightened a Tyrannosaurus rex.

  The pangolin rolled up into a pine cone and bowled herself around her enclosure, knocking down everything in sight.

  The hooded seal blew up his nose.

  The marabou stork dingle-dangled his dingly-dangly neck.

  The warthog snorted.

  The cone-nosed tapir put her cone-nose as high as she could in the air.

  The aye-aye made her eyes as bright as she could.

  The umbrellabird trilled and twirled

  The spotted handfish started clicking his fins together as if they were fingers.

  The hamadryas baboon her bright red bottom.

  The sloth, however, remained perfectly still.

  As for the blobfish, he swam up out of the water with all his might and performed the most incredible jump. At the highest point, he stopped still in the air for a moment and let out a ginormous …

  … before splashing back down into his tank with a massive

  The sound of all the animals protesting was deafening.

  boomed Sir Basil.

  “It’s the animals, sir. They’re revolting!” replied Winston.

  “I know they’re revolting!” bellowed Sir Basil. “Just look at how revoltingly ugly they are.”

  “They’re rebelling, I mean. And they’re not ugly, sir,” spoke up Bob. “They’re beautiful! Look!”

  The boy’s words stopped the zoo owner in his tracks. Sir Basil was amazed. All the animals who were normally ignored had crowds gathered around them.

  “How did this happen?” asked Sir Basil, looking mightily confused.

  The boy smiled, but was too shy to speak up for himself. His friend Winston took over.

  “It was all thanks to this young boy here. Mr Bob loves this zoo, but his grandpa can only afford to take him once a year. It’s his absolute favourite place to go. So I let him in without a ticket.”

  “Mmm …” Sir Basil sounded unconvinced that allowing someone into his zoo for free could ever be a good idea.

  “He loves the animals who most of the other visitors to the zoo completely ignore.”

  “The blobfish especially,” piped up Bob, adding sadly. “The bullies at my school said I looked like it.”

  The zoo owner studied the boy for a moment. “Hmm. Yes. I can see the resemblance.”

  “They call me ‘Blob’,” added Bob. “I’ve always had a funny face. I come from a family of funny faces. My grandpa has a funny face, as did all his relatives. I suppose that’s why I feel so at home in the zoo around the animals. It’s full of funny faces.”

  “Who are these bullies?” asked Winston kindly.

  “Oh, just some boys at my school.” The boy looked down at his feet.

  “I’d like to meet them!” replied the zookeeper, a look of anger flashing across his face.

  “Me too!” said Sir Basil. His eyes were wet with tears at the boy’s sad story. “I’d like to give them a piece of my mind. Now, Blob … I am terribly sorry, I mean Bob. Bob. Not Blob. Bob. Now, Blob, I don’t think you need to leave my zoo after all.”

  “No?” asked the boy.

  “No. In fact, I would like to offer you and your grandfather lifetime passes to my zoo.”

  “WOW! THANK YOU, SIR!” said Bob. He felt so happy he wanted to sing or dance.

  “Half-price entry. Except weekends.”

  Bob looked glum. His grandpa lived on a measly pension, so they still wouldn’t be able to afford tickets.

  Sir Basil looked at the boy, and sighed. “All right then. FREE!”

  “YES!” exclaimed Bob, jumping up and down with excitem
ent.

  There were murmurs of interest from the crowd of visitors who had gathered around the three.

  “But just so you know, everyone,” said Sir Basil, addressing the crowd, “this is very much a one-off!”

  People murmured and tutted before moving on to catch a glimpse of all these beautiful animals the boy had befriended.

  “And, Winston, you can keep your job.”

  “THANK YOU, SIR!” exclaimed the zookeeper.

  “But you are not to let anyone else in for free. Ever, ever, ever. Do you understand me?”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “Good. Now back to work!”

  “Yes, sir!”

  Bob put his hand up. “What about the pig-nosed frog, sir?”

  “What about it, boy?”

  “Well, I never had the chance to see it. It’s the frog none of the visitors come to see as it has a rather unusual nose.”

  “Yes. It’s more of a snout, hence the name, ‘pig-nosed frog’.”

  “Well, I think it’s time we taught it to .”

  “We?” asked Sir Basil, arching an eyebrow.

  “Yes. We.”

  It was quite something, seeing Sir Basil Basildon down on his hands and knees in the mud. He had joined Winston and Bob beside the tank of the rarely seen pig-nosed frog. As if having a pig nose wasn’t enough, this frog was also purple and rather chubby. She looked like she’d been inflated. Indeed, the frog might be mistaken for a balloon.

  The poor animal had been laughed at or screamed at so many times, she now spent most of her time hiding behind a rock at the back of her tank.

  However, the rock she hid behind wasn’t quite big enough. The trio could clearly make out a big purple bottom sticking out at one end.

  Bob pushed his face up against the glass.

  went the boy.

  The purple pig-nosed frog didn’t move.

  Winston joined in.

  The creature stayed still.

  The pair looked at Sir Basil for help.

  “I’m not sure this is such a good idea,” he pleaded.

  “The frog needs all our encouragement, sir,” replied Bob. “Please!”

  Reluctantly, the man began to like a pig. He wasn’t very good at it. In fact, his s sounded posh.

  However, the purple pig-nosed frog must have been intrigued at this strange sound, as her head popped up from behind the rock at the back of her tank. At first only her eyes were visible.

  Sir Basil looked at the boy. “What now?”

  “Again! Again!” said Bob.

  The zoo owner took a deep breath, before beginning again.

  “Louder!” whispered Winston.

  carried on Sir Basil, rather getting the hang of it now.

  Now the whole head of the frog popped up from behind the rock, revealing her pigtastic nose.

  she oinked.

  It was faint at first. Then she oinked again.

  A little louder this time.

  Bob looked behind him. A crowd of Cub Scouts had gathered around the tank, all no doubt wondering what on earth was going on.

  Sir Basil looked startled as the frog leaped out from behind her rock and landed right in front of the man’s face.

  oinked the frog.

  oinked Sir Basil back.

  Soon the crowd were oinking too, which delighted the frog no end. The more they oinked, the more the frog oinked. As more and more people gathered to join in the fun, it was clear that the purple pig-nosed frog was going to be another star attraction.

  Sir Basil stumbled to his feet. Winston steadied him with his arm.

  “Thank you,” said Sir Basil. “And thank YOU, young Bob, for all you’ve done for my zoo. So when will we see you again?”

  Bob thought for a moment. “On Friday the school is coming here on a trip. I was going to be the only one not going because my grandpa couldn’t afford it. But now I have my free pass I can come too!”

  “Wonderful! Hang on a moment.” A thought seemed to occur to Sir Basil. “Are these bullies you spoke of coming too?”

  Bob looked sorrowful. Stubbs and his henchmen could be relied upon to ruin every school trip for him.

  There were the occasions when:

  They fed Bob’s clothes to a goat at a farm, so he had to spend the whole trip in his undercrackers.

  They hooked the boy’s trousers on to the end of a stalactite in a cave and left him there.

  They dismantled LEGOLAND so they could bury Bob in a mountain of plastic bricks.

  The bullies made Bob climb to the very top of a Tyrannosaurus rex skeleton.

  They tied him to the tracks at a miniature railway.

  They made Bob go down an indoor ski slope on his bottom, and the seat of his trousers caught fire.

  They stole the costume off a dummy at Hampton Court Palace, and then dressed Bob up as Queen Elizabeth I.

  The bullies wrapped the boy in brown paper and put a stamp on him and posted him to Siberia.

  They pushed him into a vat of rhubarb yoghurt at a factory.

  They locked him in a glass case at the Natural History Museum with some waxworks of cavemen. Poor Bob was trapped in there for a week.

  “Yes, sir, the bullies will be coming,” replied Bob with a heavy heart. “The entire school is coming.”

  “Splendid!” exclaimed Sir Basil. “Then we must lay on something special for them.”

  “Oh yes, sir!” said the zookeeper, smiling.

  Bob knew the grown-ups were up to something.

  He just didn’t know what. Yet.

  Needless to say, Bob couldn’t wait for Friday to come. Not only was the zoo his favourite place to visit, but he also knew there was a surprise in store for the bullies who had made his life such a misery for so long.

  As the headmistress Miss Veer led the schoolchildren into the zoo, Stubbs made sure he was right behind Bob.

  “Blob! Ha! Ha! That’s your name! Blob!”

  Bob said nothing, and smiled to himself. Stubbs and his two henchmen, Baz and Gaz, were baffled.

  The schoolchildren were fascinated with all the unusual-looking animals who Bob had worked his magic on. These were the ones who were entertaining the crowds now, while the lion, the gorilla and the giraffe all looked on, sulking.

  The children from Bob’s school gathered excitedly around the pangolin, who was showing off her scales.

  “Come along now, children!” announced Miss Veer. “Don’t you want to see the tiger?”

  “No, miss!” piped up one little girl. “The tiger is boring. She just lies there sunning herself. Look at this funny little chap!”

  As the bullies flicked Bob’s ears with their fingers and sniggered, out of the corner of his eye the boy spotted a figure standing high up on top of the aviary, where the zoo’s birds were kept. At first Bob thought that the bullies might have put someone up there. It was the kind of thing they did. But then the boy realised it was Sir Basil Basildon. What was the zoo owner doing?

  There he was standing with his legs akimbo, his suit trousers flapping in the wind. The man was looking through a pair of binoculars. After a moment, he made a signal with his arm to Winston, who had appeared right by the pangolin’s enclosure.

  Winston winked at Bob.

  Bob smiled at Winston.

  The boy was bursting with excitement. He knew something big was coming, but what?

  Then, to the schoolchildren’s horror, the zookeeper did something unexpected – he opened the enclosure gate. They all hurried back and huddled together. The headmistress pushed her way to the back, cowering behind her pupils.

  “PLEASE DON’T EAT ME!” cried Miss Veer. “IT’S SPEECH DAY NEXT WEEK!”

  “Don’t worry, Mrs Headmistress!” said Winston. “This little fellow isn’t going to eat you.”

  “That’s a shame,” mumbled one boy at the back.

  “My pangolin friend here likes to eat ants.”

  The group all gazed intently as the zookeeper produced a jar of the little inse
cts from out of his coat pocket. On seeing the delicious treats scuttling around behind the glass, the creature opened her mouth and her long, sticky tongue slithered out.

  Poor Miss Veer looked alarmed.

  “That is a very long tongue!” she murmured.

  Next, Winston proceeded to pour the ants right on to the pangolin’s tongue. She ate them all up greedily before rolling up into a ball. Not just any ball. An armour-plated ball.

  “Oh no!” said Miss Veer.

  Silence descended upon the children.

  What was going to happen next?

  The pangolin rolled herself up a ramp in her enclosure.

  Then, from atop the aviary, Sir Basil boomed, “PANGOLIN! GO!”

  On hearing those words, the creature rolled herself back down the ramp at speed.

  Winston shouted,

  Just in time the boy jumped over the rolling pangolin, but the ball knocked over the three bullies standing behind him as if they were skittles. They were thrown into the air and one by one landed in the mud.

  All the other children hooted with laughter at seeing these menaces being menaced.

  “HA! HA! HA!”

  The three bullies lay on the floor, dazed and confused, their bottoms all mucky.

  Little did they know their ordeal was only just beginning.

  Next, an extraordinary chain of events was set in motion by Sir Basil, with the help of Winston.

  The zookeeper hurriedly began opening gates to the animal enclosures all around the zoo.

  First, the hooded seal lumbered over and blew up his nose like a balloon.

  “ARRRGGH!” yelled Stubbs, in fear of this strange creature. As he, Gaz and Baz backed away, they heard a roar behind them.