Living With Doubt (The Regret Series Book 2)

by Riann C. Miller

  “No,” Lacey snaps. “I didn’t leave until she called me back to tell me the police found the children in the house alone, and one of them was being taken to the hospital.”

  I’m unbelievably pissed Lacey came back out here by herself after she promised me she wouldn’t, and even more mad that she didn’t tell me after the fact, but my anger starts to fade when I notice she’s fighting off tears.

  “I promised Milo I would make sure Cassie was taken care of.” Her voice cracks as she attempts to hide her emotions.

  “You’re probably going to lose your job,” Caleb adds.

  “I know.”

  “I don’t understand, Lace. You could’ve helped this little girl without throwing away everything you’ve worked for.”

  “I thought maybe meeting Milo was a sign. A greater God telling me this was my chance to make up for everything that’s happened.” She wipes her eyes before turning away from us.

  Caleb sighs in defeat before looking at me. His eyes plead with me to do something, but I don’t know the man well enough to pick up on his cues. Instead, I brush off his concerns and focus on Lacey.

  “Was Cassie the one taken to the hospital?”

  Lacey shakes her head before slowly turning back around to face me. Her glassy blue eyes and trembling hand are my undoing.

  “C’mere.” I hold my hands out and Lacey willingly walks into them. I rub the palm of my hand up and down her back before placing a soft kiss on her temple.

  “Cassie’s okay. They’re moving her and the other children to a different foster home. Mary went to stay with her sister for a few days. Her son claimed he’d watch after the children but he’s nowhere to be found.”

  “Everything will be fine now,” I whisper, pulling her even tighter. Next to me, I see Caleb staring at the two of us with a confused expression.

  I lightly nudge Lacey. “Are you ready to head home?”

  When she nods, Caleb pulls out his phone. “I’ll order an Uber.”

  Lacey slowly looks up at me again, her eyes revealing the pain she clearly feels. “I’m ready to go home,” she pleads as I rub my hand up and down her back, thankful she’s okay—at least physically.

  The tension was palpable on the ride back to Lacey’s. Caleb didn’t speak to her when the two of us got out of the car, but Lacey didn’t seem to care. Instead, she walked up to her apartment without a word and went straight to the shower.

  I fought the urge to strip down and join her, but I decided to give her space. Space she’s used to having, and hopefully, time to sort out her head.

  I knew this little girl was a cause of concern for her, but like Caleb, I wasn’t expecting Lacey to jeopardize her career on a misguided notion she could sweep in and save the day. That in itself doesn’t fit Lacey’s character.

  “Hey.”

  I look up from the couch when I hear her voice. She attempts to smile but it’s clear by the grim expression she’s wearing that it’s forced.

  “You went back out to Cassie’s and didn’t tell me.”

  She takes a seat across from me. Her wet hair is pulled to the side of her neck, while she wears nothing more than a silk robe. “I just wanted to peek around.”

  “What if Ronnie saw you…‘peeking around’?” I use air quotes. “I told you the man has a problem with drugs and he—”

  “Exactly. He never should’ve been alone with those children, and the police weren’t doing anything.”

  “I agree, but that doesn’t mean you’re the person to fix the situation.”

  Her shoulders square like she’s ready for a fight, but instead of chewing my ass, she takes several deep breaths and softens her features. “I just thought maybe I was the person. Milo found me for a reason, right?”

  “You mean like divine intervention? You don’t strike me as the type of person who believes in all that crap.”

  “I don’t,” she mumbles before resting her head on the back of the chair. Over the months, Lacey has changed. Her bitchy attitude can still be found, but she’s using it less and less as a shield to protect herself…at least from me.

  I clear my throat. “I don’t either, but maybe we’ve both been wrong all this time?”

  She lifts her head and locks her beautiful eyes with mine.

  “Maybe you were meant to meet me. Maybe we were meant to have some long, drawn-out affair that you’ll never tell your best friend about, or maybe it was fate. Maybe we were meant to find each other.”

  She nervously chews on her lip, absorbing what I just said before she slowly shakes her head. “I told you, I don’t believe in all that crap.”

  “Lacey, you don’t get to pick and choose when you believe in something. Either there’s something out there that’s much bigger than the two of us, and you were meant to help Cassie, or you foolishly put yourself at risk for a child you may never meet. So which is it?”

  Her shoulders lock tight with tension as her chest starts to heave with anger. Abruptly, she turns her head away from me.

  “Is this going somewhere? Are you going to admit, at least to yourself, that I’m here for a reason, and that reason is you? Or do you plan to keep pretending I’m some live-in fuck buddy?”

  “I never asked you to come here,” she practically shouts before hopping to her feet. “You showed up at my door and you just wouldn’t go away.”

  “Because I discovered there’s nowhere else I’d rather be,” I challenge.

  Her eyes darken—and not in the way I enjoy. “How can you say that? You don’t even really know me.”

  “And who’s fault is that? It sure as fuck isn’t mine, because I’ve tried to do everything in my power to get through to you.”

  “What does it really matter in the end? You’re going back to Arizona to live up your new amazing contract while I’ll be here. A future together was never going to work.”

  I pinch the bridge of my nose, trying to relieve the pressure that’s building behind my eyes. I know exactly what she’s doing, and fuck me if it isn’t working like a charm. “We could make a relationship work if we tried.”

  “How?”

  “For starters, you can move to Arizona. I’m not here in New York for just the fucking cold ass weather. I’m here for you. I want you. And I want you enough that I’ve given up what I have back home to be here.”

  “No you didn’t.” She steps closer, her mouth turned up in anger. “You signed a contract with your team before you flew out here last. You made sure you had everything all lined up back home before you decided to stick around.”

  Shit. I’ve once again underestimated her.

  “You thought what exactly? That you’d stay with me for as long as you want, then I’d quit my job and follow you around?”

  I nervously swallow because that’s exactly what I had hoped, but hearing it come from her mouth sounds wrong. It sounds like I’m asking her to give up her own dreams to become mine.

  “Arizona has lawyers too, and in five years, we could move wherever you want.”

  Her eyes widen in shock, or maybe fear—I can’t quite tell at this point. “You haven’t asked me to marry you. You haven’t even told me you love me, yet you’re already planning our future?”

  “I’ve been planning our future for some time now.”

  “Really? So, you were planning a future with me when you signed a five-year deal with a team thousands of miles from your future wife, without even talking to her about it beforehand?”

  Everything she just said sounds wrong, yet it’s not. “You’re looking for a reason to walk away.”

  “I don’t have a reason to walk away, Jake. I have thousands of them.” She nervously clears her throat. “I think it’s time you finally leave, and when you go, you’ll need to take your fairytale ending with you.”

  My heart tightens in my chest. My total lack of experience where women are concerned leaves me utterly confused on what I should do. I don’t know whether to stay and fight or give her space and hope like hell
she misses me. After silently watching her, watching her build a wall higher than I can climb at the moment, I decide to go with the second option.

  “From the moment I met you, my life has felt like utter chaos. I instantly felt that connection we share, and it was more than I could deny. I’ve never been drawn to a person the way I am to you. I could marry you—and I would right this very second if you allowed me to—or I can go the rest of my life without ever seeing you again, but nothing will change. My heart belongs to you. Now it’s time for you to decide if you can give your heart to someone else, because as much as I want to love enough for both of us, it doesn’t work that way.”

  Her eyes flare seconds before they start to water. My hands itch to reach out and offer her comfort, but I can’t. Not when she’s hell bent on pushing me away. I walk over to the kitchen table and grab my coat and wallet. “If you ever decide you want to try your hand at the fairytale ending you’re so dead set against existing, then let me know…because you, Lacey Davis, are worth waiting for.”

  Without another glance, I walk out of her apartment, leaving a piece of my heart behind.

  29

  Lacey

  If anyone is a master at royally fucking up their life, it would be me. I invested my heart in a man, a man I was ready to expose my secrets to, and instead of doing just that, I allowed my fears to push him away.

  People don’t fall in love that quickly, it’s just not possible, but my heart is screaming otherwise.

  After Bryan, I closed myself off to people in general—with the exception of Jordan and Caleb. Jordan soothed an ache in my heart by allowing me to focus on her problems and not my own, and I hated Caleb long before I liked him. Everyone except those two feels like place holders. The thought of allowing someone—anyone—the power to hurt me again causes my heart to race, my hands to become clammy, and legs to weaken. I thought I was close, and I might have even been, but when I was at the crossroads of giving in or giving up, I gave up. As a result—he left.

  As if life couldn’t possibly get any worse, my firm put me on probation, and Caleb is refusing to talk to me. But the thing that bothers me the most is how much I miss Jake.

  He left behind a bag of clothes. His toothbrush still lays next to mine in the bathroom. I haven’t washed my sheets in weeks trying to trick my brain into believing he’s lying right next to me at night, but sadly, his scent has finally faded. I feel completely lost and alone, and I have no one to blame but myself.

  Over a month after he left, I received a call that Cassie’s new foster parents were looking into adopting her. I had already read the file on the couple, so I knew they were good people, but instead of being excited for Cassie, I was sad for Milo. He told me he wanted his grandchild, but he didn’t have the money to keep her.

  Milo and Cassie played in my mind for days until I finally caved and made the trip to the county jail to visit him.

  When he sat in the chair across from me, I couldn’t stop myself from smiling. His face has some much-needed color, he looks like he’s gained at least ten pounds, and if you didn’t know better, you’d think he spent the last six weeks at a five-star hotel and not in a jail cell.

  His eyes scan over my face before he finally smiles. “I have to say, this is a surprise.”

  “Well, I’m just as surprised to be here.” I can’t believe this is the same man who wore old, dirty clothes while following me around in the cold. “You look good.”

  He shrugs. “Three meals a day makes quite a difference.”

  I nod as guilt floods my mind. “We live in a messed-up world where someone can spend hundreds of dollars on one meal and another human being doesn’t even get the chance to eat that day.”

  “That we do, my dear, but it’s also a world of possibilities.”

  My heart starts to race, reminding me that I need to get to the point of my visit. “Milo, why me?”

  “What do you mean?” he counters.

  “Did you stop every lawyer you saw and ask for help, and I just happened to be the one who listened, or did you personally seek me out?”

  Several long minutes pass, and just when I think he’s not going to answer me, his eyes start dancing back and forth between mine. “You remind me of Kelly.”

  My eyes widen in shock. Out of all the things I expected to hear, that wasn’t one of them.

  “I remember one of the first cold days we had last fall. I had just taken the bus out to visit Cassie. I met Mary a few times when Kelly was in the hospital. After Kelly passed away, Mary was kind enough to allow me to visit with Cassie as long as it was in her home. I tried to get out there as often as I could, but as the cold weather set in, my trips there and back slowly started to dwindle. Months passed before I knocked on Mary’s door again, and instead of finding Mary, I found her son, who was higher than a kite. I stayed as close to Mary’s house for as long as I could. I knocked on her door every single day, and every time, Mary wasn’t there. And every time, it was clear that kid was on something.”

  The pain in his voice is as clear as day.

  “I lost my job a few years back. The company I worked for filed bankruptcy—therefore, my retirement fund no longer existed. I ended up spending my savings on treatments to help Kelly. When times became their worst—at least what I thought was the worst—my son became desperate enough to take money that wasn’t his so he could feed his little girl and purchase the medicine his girlfriend needed.”

  I quickly bring my hand up to wipe my watery eyes.

  “I’ve never had a lot of money, but no one knows what it was like to be poor until you lose everyone in your life and you’re forced to live on the streets. The world doesn’t properly prepare you for that, and no matter how strong you are…it eventually wears you down.”

  I swear, I feel my heart crack in two. Everything I’ve been through feels small and meaningless compared to the heartache this man has been delivered.

  “One day, when the cold became too much, I decided to spend the day in the courthouse. That was the first day I saw you.” Milo blows out a long breath of air. “I was a homeless man complaining about a little girl in foster care. I knew the police didn’t take me seriously. That’s why when I saw you for the first time, it felt like Kelly was telling me to go to you. That you’d finally be the one who would help our little Cassie.”

  Tears I can’t hold in any longer work their way down my cheeks.

  “And I was right,” he adds.

  “What are your plans when you get out of here?”

  He gives me a small smile. “I’ll continue to do what I’ve been doing my whole life. I’ll take it day by day and be thankful for the beating heart in my old chest.”

  I’ve never felt more inspired by a person before. “I’d like to help you when you get out—”

  Milo puts his hand up. “You already have, my dear.” He casts me a meaningful look, one I don’t think I’ll ever forget no matter how long I live. “Give yourself the gift of love. The gift of acceptance. And most importantly, the gift of forgiveness, and you’ll find no matter where life takes you, my sweet darling, in turn, you’ll be giving yourself the gift of happiness.”

  “Time’s up,” a guard shouts behind Milo.

  “Give yourself the gift of happiness, Ms. Davis. I promise, in the end, it will be worth every heartache you had to survive.”

  Milo stands up and walks away with the guard, leaving me in a state of shock. He couldn’t possibly have known the turmoil my world was in. I came here to check on Milo, and somehow, I left feeling like a different person.

  We are sorry to inform you that your request for time off has been denied.

  Mother fucker. I asked for four days off to attend Jordan’s wedding. I can’t miss my best friend’s wedding…however, since the day I skipped out on court, my firm has been extremely hard on me. Deep down, I think they’re looking for a reason to fire me, and I think they just found one.

  I love Jordan, and I wouldn’t miss her big day for an
ything, but that’s not the only reason I’m willing to risk my job in order to be there. After my life-altering day in the county jail, I finally know exactly what I want.

  Only this time, I’m not going to allow my fears to hold me back.

  I quit my job, and I have no idea how I’m going to pay my bills, but that’s nothing compared to the bundle of nerves I feel now that I’m on my way to Honolulu. Weeks have passed since I’ve seen Jake, and while I finally know how I feel, know what I want, I’m sick with worry that he’s moved on—and rightfully so.

  He’s given me every reason to trust him, and all I did was push him away until he finally left.

  When the plane landed, I fought the urge to be ill. I’ve stood in front of some of the meanest judges known to man, worked next to some of the biggest jerks placed on this planet, and still nothing holds a candle to what I feel now.

  The what ifs start plaguing my mind—thoughts of him with a date, being crushed if he’s moved on, and the probability my heart might actually break in two.

  Shit, get it together, Davis.

  I refused Jordan’s offer to pick me up, so once I have my suitcase in hand, I take a cab to the hotel. Tonight is the rehearsal, tomorrow is the wedding, and I leave the day after that. This gives me no more than forty-eight hours to get over myself and figure out if Jake still has a place for me in his life.

  My eyes widen in awe when I arrive at the beautiful hotel. I feel like I’m smack in the middle of a movie set.

  “You made it!” I hear seconds before Jordan hugs me from behind.

  “Someone’s in a good mood,” I joke before turning around, only to be greeted by the biggest smile I’ve ever seen on her face.

  “I’m getting married tomorrow. Of course I’m in a good mood.”

  “I thought brides were supposed to be all crazy. Running around worried about everything?”

  “Are you kidding me? The only thing I have to stress about is someone not showing up…and seeing as you’re the last one to arrive, I’m now officially stress-free.”