The Novice

by Ava Lohan

  “Oh yeah, like that,” he muttered, clearly pleased by my performance.

  But that had been the easy part.

  “Now lick me.”

  I was immediately turned off. Like a flashlight that had run out of batteries in a pitch-black room. My brain was in the dark. My body was too. Lick me.

  It should have been easy enough, but I just couldn’t.

  Kegan pulled my hair lightly, raising my head to look at him. He was breathing hard. In his eyes was a mix of desire and expectations. Which I would soon disappoint.

  “You’ve….” he paused and closed his eyes for a second, as if speaking required superhuman strength. His Adam’s apple bobbed up and down. “... done this before, right?”

  I didn’t answer—I just panicked. He noticed. He began stroking my hair like I was a scared kitten that he needed to reassure. But his delicate touch was of no use.

  “Once, but it didn’t go very well,” I confessed, trembling with embarrassment.

  “This time will be fine,” he said. “Do whatever you want to do. Lick me however you want, wherever you want.”

  His voice was as sweet as honey, and his face was so gorgeous I could have stood up and kissed him. But that wasn’t what he wanted me to do. I took a deep breath and tried my best. My face had never been so close to his tattoo. I touched it with a finger and felt Kegan flinch. I decided to start from there, his side, and move slowly back down until I got to the base of his member. My tongue followed the outline of the black ink on his skin.

  “You’re doing great.”

  I got the impression he wasn’t lying. His hands gripped my head tight for a minute, but then he relaxed. Maybe he really did like it. Anyway, believing he enjoyed it gave me the courage I needed to keep going. I was still groping around in the dark, but I began to see a flickering light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad after all.

  He had been amazing when he’d gone down on me; I should at least try to return the favor, even if my experience paled in comparison to his. I pretended I was with a normal guy. That I was touching an average guy who had nothing to do with the sex industry. Someone with as little experience as me. I came to the end of the tattoo and moved on to the more difficult part. From the sounds coming out of Kegan’s mouth, I got the impression he was enjoying it. The light at the end of the tunnel got a little brighter. I licked him all the way up and wrapped my hand around the base.

  “Yeah, Rose, like that.”

  I could do this. I placed my lips on the tip and tasted him. His skin was salty. Kegan let out a groan that vibrated throughout his body. I wrapped my mouth around him and started going deeper.

  “You’re gonna make me go crazy,” he said between gasps as he used his hands to guide my head. “You’re a fucking natural.”

  I adapted to the movements of his hands and hips. I looked up. His eyes were glued to the ceiling and his muscles were twitching. He was perfection. I kept going. He groaned again. I may not have liked it the first—and only—time I had tried it before, but now I was having fun. Our roles were reversed. Now he was the robot and I was the human who had the power to turn him on and off. I liked the feeling, I’d never felt so powerful. He looked at me as if he were in a trance. Riding on a wave of confidence, I went deeper still as my hand continued to move up and down the base. I could feel him pulsing. The tunnel was now completely illuminated—I was riding high on an unfamiliar wave of self-esteem. I was determined to make him come, but he had other ideas.

  He suddenly tugged on the roots of my hair. “Enough.” His voice was strained. “Fuck, stop.” He was short of breath and gasping for air. His hungry eyes stared down at me as if he could devour me in a second. He pulled me up. “Now, let’s go to the bed.”

  He lifted me up and carried me to the round bed. He pulled back the curtains and threw me down in a hurry. My body bounced on the mattress. I stared at him. Kegan seemed to have lost his self-control. He jumped on the bed and took off my panties in an instant.

  “Take off your bra.”

  He was sitting on his heels in front of me, looking at me with an expression I’d never seen before. His eyes reflected the bright and warm colors that surrounded us. I did what I was told. His eyes passed over every inch of my body, including the scars on my knees, a reminder of all the times I had fallen when I was younger. I was shaking with excitement and uneasiness. I felt naked, exposed and vulnerable. But he was naked too and had been so for longer. Now we were even. Kegan was lost in thought as he examined me, allowing me to do the same. I started with the hint of beard on his perfect face before moving to his broad shoulders and sculpted abs. I took a detour to admire the dragon tattoo that only made him even more devastating before stopping on his remarkable erection.

  “You’re beautiful.”

  I didn’t think I was, but his tone was convincing. I allowed myself to enjoy being admired by him, as if he honestly wanted me for who I was, and not just for reasons I had failed to understand. Kegan grabbed me by the legs and pulled me closer. He spread my thighs apart and slipped between them, giving me goosebumps. I could feel him rubbing against me and couldn’t wait to feel him inside me. But he paused.

  “I want to come on you.”

  His words rang in my ears. It sounded so dirty, but so exciting at the same time. I’d never let a guy do that before. My whole body burned. Kegan touched himself and narrowed his eyes, staring straight into mine.

  “You’re blushing again,” he said with an annoying smirk.

  His face then turned serious. He looked down to follow the movement of his hand, and I followed suit. My heart was beating so hard I thought for sure Kegan could see it through my skin. Then I felt a warm splash hit my hips and stomach. I clenched the sheets in my hands. It felt sticky and strange. He spasmed a few times and moaned.

  There was a twinkle in his eye as he briefly studied my face. Then he did something I would have never expected: he bent down and began to lick up his mess. I could feel his lips and his seed on my skin. I could smell it in the air as I felt myself sinking deeper and deeper into his abyss. I closed my eyes and reached for my crucifix. I squeezed it tight, as if I were trying to pierce it through my palm.

  “Jesus.”

  It was a moment of clarity. I felt the urge to pray to God and ask him to forgive me for what I had done, and for what I was about to do. I had to pray to remember where I came from, and where I would soon be again. I started whispering a Hail Mary. I didn’t know if Kegan was listening or if he just heard a few disconnected words. I couldn’t even tell if I was really saying it or not. I was in limbo, a state of semi-consciousness. My voice was weak. His mouth made me plummet back into the darkness and shoot back toward the light. Kegan covered me with his entire body and opened his mouth onto mine. He took my hand from around my chain and pinned it against my hair, now tangled between my fingers. What he had collected off of my stomach passed between our tongues as they moved in unison. I could feel him pressing against my stomach.

  We kept kissing, slowly at first, and then with more intensity. It was like we couldn’t stop, like we needed to kiss to stay alive. We didn’t even stop as he began thrusting inside me. He seemed to be trying to claim me with every part of his body. It felt so intimate—there was something more to his kisses than just sex. We climaxed together and stopped to catch our breaths, both covered in sweat. I still wanted to feel his lips on mine and tried to pull him closer, but he moved away and jumped out of bed with a jerk.

  “Fuck!” he yelled, throwing his arms in the air and kicking a pillow across the room. “Where the fuck are my clothes?”

  I followed him with my eyes, not understanding his sudden change in mood. He began opening drawers and slamming them shut. The sound echoed in my head. I thought he was disappointed in my performance. Maybe I’d done something wrong. I swallowed hard. His taste was still on my mouth. Suddenly, being completely naked didn’t feel so comfortable anymore. I pulled the bedspread over me as he reached
for another closet door. Everything had gone perfectly until I tried to kiss him again. I pulled my knees to my chest and rested my chin on them. I wondered if I could just melt into the mattress.

  “I just wanted another kiss,” I whispered to myself, pressing my mouth into the soft fabric covering my body.

  He made a sound halfway between a growl and a hiss. He’d heard me. He boiled with rage. He pulled on his boxers and turned to me.

  “I’m clean,” he said, shaking his head. “But I don’t do certain things.” He emphasized the last word. “We’ve had sex twice without protection, and all I ever do is kiss you. And I never kiss, not without charging a fortune. Fuck, fuck, fuck. You’re making me lose control, Rose. I don’t like it.”

  His tone was accusatory. I looked away to avoid his hostile gaze.

  “I wasn’t even planning on fucking you here.”

  I could feel his eyes on me and sensed his irritation, like a tidal wave that was about to crash down on me.

  “I have to go home. I need a cold shower.”

  I had the impression he was talking more to himself than to me.

  “I don’t want to see you for the rest of the evening. There are some pills in your room, take one.”

  It seemed like he was trying to regain control of the situation. He kept mumbling something about the pills. I pretended not to hear. I had taken a pill after our night in the pool and I would take another.

  “I want to go back to the convent,” I managed to utter, my voice barely audible.

  Tears ran down my cheeks as I pictured myself back in Florida, that heartbroken sixteen-year-old on the beach. The flashback made no sense. I wiped my face and held back the tears that were threatening to make me look even more ridiculous to Kegan. I must have seemed like a little girl to him. I was terrified to meet his eyes and see his disgust for my immature and inappropriate behavior. I wasn’t in love with Kegan. But why did I have such a strong urge to cry into the pillows? I should have been indifferent to his temper tantrum, and yet, it tore me apart. I thought he liked kissing me. How was I supposed to know he was trying to avoid it? That it was something that only I wanted?

  “Why?” he barked. Then he said something that really got to me. “Why are your fucking vows so important to you?”

  My eyes shot in his direction. He looked like he was about to explode, but I decided that it was my turn.

  “What am I doing here?!” I screamed back, refusing to answer. My claws had come out.

  He put on a black shirt. “I wanted to give you an alternative,” he snapped back, pulling on his dark jeans. “I’m giving you this money, and you can decide what to do with it. Take over the convent if you want. Or go start a new life. That’s why you’re here.”

  I opened my eyes wide and started to laugh hysterically. But not out of amusement. It was all surreal. Was he trying to drive me insane? He seemed so confident in it all. His voice was sure and steady. I could tell he truly believed what he was saying.

  “Rose.” Kegan said my name as a warning.

  But I couldn’t stop. He decided to change the subject.

  “What did Lexi tell you about me?” he asked, folding his arms across his chest and leaning with one foot up against the closet door.

  My laughter slowed into silence, replaced by an aching in my chest. Lexi. Maybe he really did care about her. Maybe her feelings were reciprocal after all. Even thinking about it made me queasy. She may have been older than him, but when it comes to love, some things just don’t matter. And that woman had endless charm.

  “She’s in love with you,” I said, trying to hide any emotion in my voice.

  I could just imagine Kegan leaving me here to go to her. It hurt to picture, but I tried not to show it. I looked down at my hands and waited for him to leave the room, turning my vision into reality.

  “Did she say that?” he asked, not with hope in his voice, but annoyance.

  I looked back up at him. He hadn’t moved an inch.

  “No, I can just tell,” I confessed.

  He ran a hand through his ash-blond hair. “Then you haven’t answered my question,” he responded, clenching his jaw.

  I searched his eyes for signs of emotion, but Kegan was too good at concealing his feelings.

  His behavior was becoming increasingly mysterious. His eyes didn’t reveal a thing. I felt that I had no choice but to satisfy his curiosity. After all, he shouldn’t have meant anything to me. I had nothing to lose. It was hardly my problem if he decided to confront Lexi for what I was about to say. It wasn’t like she and I were on a fast track to becoming best friends. I could’ve spent my last ten days at Lust without seeing her face or hearing her annoying voice. Maybe it would’ve been the same with Kegan, though I doubted it—his face had been tattooed on my mind since that day in the confessional.

  “She said that you never sleep with the same person twice, unless you’re paid.”

  He seemed unimpressed.

  “Then…” I took a long pause.

  He arched his eyebrows. He held up a hand and encouraged me to continue. Against my better judgement, I decided to let it all out, with Lexi as a scapegoat.

  “That you’re an arrogant bastard. A slimy hedonist beast who has no idea what feelings are. A selfish son of a bitch who takes advantage of his employees. So perverted he wants a little nun. You’re going to burn in Hell. That’s what she has to say about you.”

  Of course she’d never said any of that, but it felt good to tell him what I thought of him. My satisfaction soon diminished as Kegan burst out laughing. His laugh was so different from mine, so sexy, entrancing, and authentic. He hadn’t fallen for it.

  “A hedonist? Lexi would never use that word to describe me.”

  He came closer until he was standing right in front of me. He bent down to look me right in the eyes. “No. That’s what you think of me.”

  I didn’t say a word. I could only look at him.

  My rant had had the opposite effect of what I’d hoped. I stared at him, waiting for him to explode. Any second, I imaged he would start screaming that he never wanted to see me again. Then he would kick me out of Lust and send me back to my sisters. Maybe he would even give us the convent just to get rid of us. Of course, that was far too optimistic. He seemed to be entertained by my outburst. He was no longer the distraught Kegan who jumped out of bed, nor was he the near-homicidal maniac swearing at the closet door. This new Kegan was the physical embodiment of pure joy.

  “This evening didn’t start out in the best way,” he said, twirling a lock of my hair in his hand. “Then it got better—I won’t deny it—but I can’t overlook your little rebellion. You still don’t seem to understand that you have to obey me, Rose.”

  He spoke slowly, carefully enunciating every word.

  “I won’t pay you for tonight. You have another ten days to reach your million. But…”

  He brought his face even closer to mine. I had to remember to breathe.

  “One more mistake, Rose, just one more, and all that we have done here together will be nothing but a sin to confess to your priest. I won’t build a hotel, Rose. I’ll bulldoze your convent to the ground and make you watch.”

  Chapter Ten

  How’s your aunt doing?

  Sara. I had checked my phone once I sat down in the library, and seen her message. She’d sent it an hour earlier. I read all the other messages I had received since my arrival at Lust. They were all from her. Asking me if I got in all right, how my trip was, how I was. A lump formed in my throat. She had been so worried about me, and I hadn’t bothered writing her even once.

  She’s doing better. Sorry I didn’t answer sooner.

  My fingers froze. What else should I say?

  I hadn’t coordinated my story very well with Mother Superior before I left. Was my aunt supposed to die? Make a miraculous recovery? I shrugged and went with the second. My fake great aunt could always die at the end of the week or after I was back at the convent. In the en
d, the walls of the convent were my home, and I could no longer afford to challenge Kegan Anderson. There was too much on the line. There had been no hesitation in his warning.

  Just thinking about it made my stomach turn. I knew he was capable of going through with his threat. I would never test him again.

  A few more days and she should be back to normal. I sent the message.

  She responded almost immediately: Your loving care works miracles.

  I imagined Kegan’s naked body on top of mine and felt that damn warmth again. I could die. Some loving care. I threw my phone down on the table and held my head in my hands. How could I ever look my friend in the eyes again?

  Showering was no use—I could still smell him on me. Oh, how I liked it. I sunk my teeth into my lower lip. I felt guilty for Sara, for my parents who would have been so disappointed to see me at Lust. But my guilt wasn’t strong enough to make me forget everything. There was nothing capable of dragging me out of the sea of lust I was drowning in. Kegan hadn’t kissed me for three days. I missed his lips, but I was learning to live with this sense of detachment. I was trying to convince myself it was better this way, that the separation would be less painful once I was back at Saint Clare. At least, I hoped it would be.

  It was like a barrier had been lifted between us in the Arabian Nights room, removing the clear boundaries that separated the nun who was forced to sin and the brothel owner who was just looking for a little fun. It was almost as if sex changed us, turned us into something more intimate, which left little room for anything else. But then Kegan turned back into his old self and erected a new wall, taller and thicker than ever before. A wall that I would never be able to get around. He had stopped saying anything that even vaguely resembled a compliment. Hearing his voice telling me that I was beautiful now felt like a distant memory, even if it had happened only three days before.

  Kegan was acting different. Radically different. For the past three days he had done nothing but use me. There was no more tenderness in his touch. There was nothing to misunderstand or to give me any hope. I was his sexual slave. Period. I had learned to please him by obeying his requests. I responded to his silences with my own. He even stopped asking me about my vows. He didn’t seem to care anymore. We reached a compromise on my attire: when I wasn’t with him, I could wear my own things.