The Novice

by Ava Lohan

  “Really?” he said. He looked like he was just about to smile, but he didn’t.

  I nodded. “It shows off my back.” I stepped toward him. “It was the last white one in my wardrobe.” My heart was beating out of control. Now I definitely could touch him and try to seduce him as Lexi had ordered. “I guessed. I even ventured into a new style of makeup, so I deserve an extra reward.” I had to use my body, not just my words. I placed my hand in the center of his chest and let it slowly drift downwards. I couldn’t let it shake like my insides. I added my other hand. I had to show him I was sure of myself, not completely out of my depth. “I don’t want you in a room with the Turners. I want you in a room with me. This is my reward.”

  Those two rich bastards made me sick, but I understood all too well why they wanted Kegan. But he was mine, damn it, all mine—and I wasn’t going to share him with anyone.

  Kegan breathed in deeply and swallowed. He grabbed my wrists and pushed my hands away from his body. “You look amazing, but it’s not my favorite. You didn’t win. No room for us.”

  Fourth floor. The doors opened. He loosened his grip around my wrists. Just as he was about to step out of the elevator, I blocked the doors.

  “Rose?” My name sounded more like a threat. “I’m already five minutes late.”

  “You can’t do this,” I exclaimed, irritated. The seductive tone I had been using until moments ago had disappeared. My palm held down the button to keep the doors closed. My hand shook. “You can’t just interrupt someone’s life, make them fall in love with you, and then drop them wherever and whenever you want.” I turned my back to him but could still see him in the elevator’s mirrored walls.

  “It’s my job,” he insisted. “I satisfy my clients and make them want to come back. It’s not really my problem if they fall in love with me.”

  His blank expression and my made-up face reflected in the mirrors that surrounded us. I avoided looking at myself: I was hardly recognizable with all this makeup on.

  “I’m not a client!” I turned. Now my voice was trembling too. I felt like a leaf that had just fallen from a branch. Kegan should have been there to pick me up, not to stomp on me. “I’m not a client,” I whispered.

  Kegan mumbled something under his breath and looked at the ceiling. If he was trying to avoid looking at me, he was out of luck—even the ceiling of the elevator had a mirror on it. “No, you’re not,” he said, agreeing with me. “You’re the cross I carry. Every time I see you, I think about what I did.” His voice was distant. So was he. His body may have been just a hair from mine, but the rest of him couldn’t have been further away. He clenched his jaw. “I wanted you to be my absolution, but instead, here you are, the most pure and beautiful thing that has ever happened to me. And this is all wrong.”

  Kegan had come back to me. I could see it in his eyes, he was there with me in every way. He grabbed my face with both of his hands. His own face was now different, as if he were lost in mine, as if he had peeled away his mask and thrown it to the ground to show me who he truly was: someone who didn’t want to lose me.

  “Looking you in the eyes is like voluntarily sitting in an electric chair. But I can’t stop. I need to look at you whenever I can. I do it because I want to, even if it hurts. You can’t understand what I’m going through,” he said, clearly suffering. “You can’t understand that looking you in the eyes is ecstasy and pain at the same time.”

  Even if it hurt, Kegan didn’t take his eyes off me. He came closer as we drowned in each other’s eyes. Standing so close, I could admire the different shades of green streaking his irises. He wrapped his arms around my waist. “Your eyes, they’re so clear. I feel like I’m losing myself in them. I’ve been lost since that day in the confessional, I was lost before I even knew the rest. But now I need to go home, and I need to know that you hate me.” Kegan startled and let me go. It was clear that he wanted to take it all back and put his mask back on. “We have to go.”

  I didn’t know what to make of his admission. I only knew that I would have stayed trapped in the elevator with him until my last breath. If the world outside of these four walls was awful and made him want to distance himself from me, then I didn’t want to be a part of it anymore. I only needed him, in this space, surrounded by mirrors. But he opened the doors and stepped out.

  “Come on,” he ordered.

  Against my will, I followed him. I thought back to all the times he’d told me that I tortured him. “Why?” I asked, trying to keep up with him. “Why do you say I torture you?” I pressed, once again without a response. “Why am I the problem?” I was not going to give up.

  Kegan stopped and shot me a fiery glance. “It’s the next room—shut up. They’re all there. Come here and do what I say.”

  “No,” I said. I pulled the pin from my hand grenade. “I don’t give a fuck if they hear me,” I yelled, planting my feet firmly in the middle of the hallway. “Want me to do what you say? Then tell me why,” I insisted, digging my nails into my palms. “Why am I such a big problem for you?”

  His deadly glare was no match for me.

  “If it were Tereza standing here, would it be any different?” It was the first name that had come to mind, and the thought of her and Kegan together made me sick. “If you felt for her what you feel for me—” I paused to steady my voice. I’d started, and I wasn’t going to stop. Not knowing was worse than knowing. “Would you leave all of this behind for her? Would you stop doing what you do?”

  He didn’t say a word.

  “Answer me.”

  The risk of harming me was high. He knew it. Kegan knew that even the slightest nod would be enough to hurt me, and possibly more than ever before. Say no. Say no. God, please. I crossed my fingers behind my back. I prayed and silently begged, without knowing if I was asking him or God. But it was Kegan who interrupted my prayers, not the Lord, whom I would never turn to again on his account.

  “Would things be different?” he growled, grabbing me and pushing me against the wall. His body on mine. His mouth on mine. This time, his breath didn’t leave the taste of smoke on my lips. “My grandpa would turn in his grave for what I’m about to say, but yeah, I’d stop fucking for money. I’d stop fucking random people, even if I could never leave this place entirely.” He turned me around until my cheek pressed against the wall. “With anyone else, it would be different,” he whispered hoarsely into my ear. “There, are you happy now?” I felt his hands on my hips. His mouth tickled my neck. “Are you happy now?” His harsh tone burned my skin like lava.

  The truth hit me like a brick wall.

  “Your feelings for me… what you’re convinced you feel for me… is wrong.”

  I closed my eyes. What I felt for him was anything but wrong. There was nothing he could do to change my mind. But I didn’t have the strength to protest. I could only hope that he’d understand before it was too late. Before he took me into that room, just behind that door, and forced me to witness a side of him that I knew existed but didn’t want to see.

  Kegan ran his fingers over the hem of my dress. “What I feel is even more wrong,” he continued, bringing his hands up my back. “I shouldn’t touch you anymore. I don’t want to touch you anymore.” But his body refused to comply. I felt it. I felt it through his suit pants, in his hands that he couldn’t take off me. To his body, what was happening between us was just as right as it was for mine.

  The words Kegan had said since we’d stepped into that elevator were spinning around in my mind like a tornado.

  He needed to do this to us.

  He, who didn’t want me to love him, who suffered at the mere sight of me.

  I opened my eyes, shrugged, and shook him off. “Do what you need to do,” I said in an icy tone. My voice sounded as if I had smashed my head against the wall fifty times. The voice of a dead woman.

  I walked past him and opened the door to the room. They were waiting for him. The Turners were sitting near the window having a drink. They were l
aughing. Those assholes were laughing. A huge bed dominated the room, big enough for ten people. And judging by the number of people in the room, ten people there would be. The bed was surrounded by couches, that—at least at the moment—were all empty. I looked around, showing my contempt for everything and everyone in that room. The Lust employees returned my glare. Good. I wanted every single one of them to know how I felt. Finn was there too, standing next to the couple who was paying for the party. He responded to my hateful stare with a frown before raising his glass in my direction. I was just about to flip him off when Kegan put his hand on my shoulder.

  “Come here,” he said, grabbing me by the hand and leading me to one of the couches. “Sit here.”

  I did so without so much as a blink.

  “Good,” he said, surprised by my obedience. “Good,” he repeated, still in disbelief. Kegan held my hand tight. I felt his knuckles on my knee as I watched him run a finger over his lips, lost in thought. “I should go talk to the Turners. I’ll come back in a bit.”

  I shrugged my shoulders in indifference. “No, don’t,” I quipped back, my tone as icy as before. But it was all a front: the truth was that I didn’t want him to leave me there. My fake nonchalance made him suspicious.

  “I’ll be back. Don’t go anywhere.”

  I looked first at our intertwined fingers, then at his face. I couldn’t tell who was clinging harder to the other. The memory of our palms pressed together that day in the confessional flashed in my mind. I remembered he’d had trouble pulling away from me that day too.

  Kegan was still standing in front of me. I was confused. He’d said he was going to talk to the Turners, that he would never touch me again, but here he was, right in front of me, his hand in mine. He looked down at our fingers and slowly released his grip.

  “Don’t go anywhere,” he repeated before disappearing into the room.

  My hand fell to my lap. Kegan made his way over to Finn to start planning. The Turners were dressed elegantly, as were all the Lust employees. It looked like a normal party held in a hotel room, but it was anything but. Soon the lights would go off and all those expensive clothes would be in a pile on the ground, trampled by the heels of naked women with their hands all over Kegan. Or maybe they would keep the lights on. I decided to close my eyes and spare my sight. But that wouldn’t stop me from hearing everything. Kegan’s voice would stand out from the crowd. I smacked my hand against my forehead and took a deep breath. I didn’t want to think about it. I would have preferred a bomb going off and killing us all, right then and there, over watching and listening to what was about to happen. Feeling tears well up, I closed my eyes and tried to pull myself together.

  “You think beast is yours, but he isn’t.”

  I could have recognized that accent anywhere. Tereza sat on the arm of the couch and gazed at me as she sipped her drink. She wore a black lace dress. I don’t know why she’d bothered getting dressed at all. I flashed her a fake smile.

  “He is mine,” she said in a confident voice. “And yours, and the customer who pay, and the employee chosen by client,” she said, pointing to different people in the room with her nearly empty glass.

  I looked at them one by one. Earlier, Kegan had said things would've been different had Tereza been in my place—that he would have given up everything, that he would have left all of this for any of them. My stomach turned. Mrs. Turner was looking at me. I couldn’t resist showing her my disgust. My eyes stopped on Kegan, who was looking back at me. I tried to lure him in and show Tereza how wrong she was, but he didn’t budge, leaving me alone with the brunette who continued taunting me.

  “He take you out, he take you to bed, but he is not yours.” She then said something in her own language under her breath and laughed. I wondered how many glasses of that amber liquid were flowing through her veins. A few, surely, but not enough to ignore what she was saying.

  I leaned over her and grabbed her wrist. Tereza stopped laughing. “Listen here, bitch,” I started, digging my nails into her skin. “He’s mine. Touch him and I’ll kill you.”

  The glass shook in her hand as she tried to free herself from my grip. Then it suddenly fell onto the couch, without making a sound. I let go. She rubbed her wrist and gave me a satisfied smile. “Oh, I do more than touch tonight. Beast want me, for everything. You touch me, you are out.”

  I frowned. That wasn’t true. It was those two perverted millionaires who wanted her for the evening. Not Kegan. Not him. I closed my hand into a fist and was ready to let it fly when someone stopped me.

  “Tereza,” said a voice. I turned to see Finn standing behind me, his hand wrapped around my fist. “I’d tell you to get down on your knees and suck my dick to stop you from running your mouth, but I’m leaving.”

  I didn’t have it in me to laugh at his joke. Nor was I amused to hear her reply. It was in her language, whatever she’d said. Tereza stood up and walked away. I raised my gaze until I met Finn’s eyes.

  “The Russian’s not so bad,” he said, pulling his hand away. “She’s like an ousted queen. She used to be the boss’s favorite, before you came along.”

  I couldn’t care less about her issues. Nothing could have made her less unpleasant in my eyes. “She said Kegan chose her. Why would he do something like that?”

  “Why? Don’t you like her?” he asked, winking.

  I forced down the words on the tip of my tongue and rested my back on the sofa. I didn’t like Tereza, and I’d made sure Kegan knew it. I’d dug my own grave. Now I would have to watch them together. A nightmare come to life. If I had only kept my mouth shut every time he'd mentioned her, I could have spared myself from this low blow. I shot a homicidal glance at Kegan, but he didn’t notice.

  “Here,” Finn said, handing me a key card. “You might need it if things get too hard to watch. Don’t let anyone see it.”

  I didn’t need any further explanation. Kegan would take it away if he saw it. I followed Finn’s advice and hid the key underneath my thigh. I had no intention of moving from my spot anyway. I didn’t thank him.

  “Are you here to join the party?” I asked, my voice as icy as before, making me doubt it would ever go back to normal. “I’m not exactly dying to see you naked.”

  There were several male employees in the room, making me wonder how far Kegan would go that night. His kisses cost two hundred thousand dollars each. Would everyone kiss him?

  “I’m just here to pick up the deposit,” he said, quickly pulling out a wad of bills from his pocket before hiding it away again.

  I shook my head. “You told me to stay away from this plan. You told me to leave Lust while I still could. I’m awful at following advice.”

  Finn didn’t answer.

  “Now you should tell me that you told me so, that this is all my fault.”

  “You deserve this, it’s all your fault,” he said with a smile. Then he became serious. “The Turners noticed you.”

  I shrugged. “I noticed them too. I’ve been mentally sending them bad vibes all night.”

  “They liked what they saw. They wanted you to join in and doubled their offer.”

  I stiffened up.

  “Then they tripled it.”

  My throat knotted. Three times the already enormous amount. I felt sick.

  “What did Kegan say?” I stammered, looking for him in the room.

  As if I had called his name, Kegan turned to look at me before concentrating his attention to Finn. I could feel the tension between them in the air. Kegan shot him a warning. He looked afraid. Was he worried that Finn would reveal the Turners’ request?

  “He said no again, and they came back with an even more insane amount. They didn’t want to lose,” Finn said, his eyes still locked with Kegan’s. He looked back at me with a sorry expression.

  “And?” I was afraid to know how the deal had ended. I started playing with the yellow bracelet around my wrist, the one Kegan had given me. He had noticed it several times, but seeing it was
not enough to make him back out.

  “He said no, even to their ridiculously high offer,” he said incredulously. “It goes against his cardinal rule: money first. And he never breaks that rule.”

  I stopped fiddling with the bracelet and decided to ask Finn the big question on my mind, the one Kegan hadn’t been able to answer. “Why can’t I love him? He said I torture him. That he was willing to leave all of this behind, but not for me. Why?”

  Finn’s expression changed—he was clearly uncomfortable, which surprised me. From what very little I knew about him, he wasn’t one to be so easily embarrassed. He scratched his head.

  “I don’t think this is a question for me—”

  “What are you still doing here?”

  We both jumped.

  Kegan was challenging him. “Didn’t I give you the night off? Put the money away and do whatever you want tonight. Just stay away from here. Don’t look at me like that—you’re making me feel bad. Stop shaking your head!”

  He ran his hands through his hair, messing it up.

  “Kegan, you don’t have to—”

  Kegan didn’t let him finish, interrupting Finn with a grunt of disapproval. “Stop challenging my decisions.”

  Finn looked up and whistled. The playful guy I met on my first day here was back. “Yes, boss!” he said, looking at me with a strange expression as he stood up to leave.

  I turned my head to follow him as he walked out of the room, but just then, Kegan kneeled in front of me, his eyes right in front of mine, making me lose any interest in Finn. His expression changed as he shifted his attention from his friend to me. This was one of the few times that it hadn’t been me who’d made him angry.

  “I want you to watch me. I want you to watch me, and only me. I want you to forget the others exist. Tonight, it’s just me and you in this room, do you understand me?”

  “If you want to be alone in a room with me, we’ll have to get out of here and find a new room.”

  I couldn’t believe my ears: I’d really said it. Not just in my head—in real life. I was fighting for my life. For a moment, Kegan looked surprised too. But it didn’t take long for him to recompose himself, flashing me his usual arrogant smile.