The Novice

by Ava Lohan

  “You really can’t help it, can you?” He stood up, now looking down at me. He joined his hands behind his head as if he were trying to control his thoughts. “You just can’t help provoking me.”

  Before I could answer, a girl took him by the arm and pulled him away from me. With the help of another girl, she began to undress him. Kegan didn’t stop them. I looked for the keycard Finn had given me and squeezed it against my leg, ready to run.

  Something in the air had changed. I could feel it. I could see it. It was if an imaginary gong had sounded, prompting everyone to begin. The glasses and laughter were now gone, making way for tongues exploring each other, and hands caressing bodies. Men undressing men, women kissing women. The Turners sitting on the sofa at the end of the bed, enjoying the scene.

  I sat on my own sofa with tense nerves. I tried to mentally escape the room and pretend that none of this was happening. I was disoriented, lost in a world that I didn’t belong to. Looking around the room, I’d forgotten about Kegan’s request. Then our eyes met and I saw that in that moment, he needed me. His eyes bewitched me, making it impossible to break away. The keycard was my lifeline, and I was his. I couldn’t understand why, but Kegan needed me: he needed my eyes on him. I felt it. It was like a vibration that emanated in my direction and washed over my body, leaving me breathless.

  The girls who’d taken off his clothes were now naked too. They pushed him onto the bed, where a group was already going at it. Before I could blink, Kegan’s boxers were on the ground. And I saw it all—Kegan had made sure he was right in front of me. I tried not to think about anything. I tried to ignore the chills running up my spine and the jealousy flooding my lungs.

  My eyes slid up and down that painfully perfect body, as hands that were not mine continued to explore it. I sank my nails into my thighs, on the verge of cutting myself with the keycard. Suddenly our eyes met again and something changed in the room. Now it was only the two of us. The shock sent a wave up my spine and muffled all the background noise. Those moans now sounded like they were coming from far away. It was just Kegan and me. The two of us. Just like he wanted. The hands on his body became mine. The tongue toying with his nipple piercing was mine. The mouth running over his tattoo was mine. The man’s lips on his neck were mine too. I was the one licking him, pleasing him, just like in the Arabian Nights Room. And he was moving for me, in my mouth. That was what I was telling him with my eyes. That was what his face conveyed to me. His eyes blazed. They burned for me. Kegan was making love to me. My heart was beating to the rhythm of his batting eyelashes. I loosened my grip on the keycard and my fingers finally relaxed. There was a magnetic connection between us. It was magic. It really was just the two of us. He wasn’t going back to his old life. He was losing himself in my eyes. I could feel his hands and lips on me, even if he wasn’t touching me. I was ready to shoot across the sky with him. Then he looked down and my eyes followed his gaze.

  What I saw broke our connection, bringing an end to what had been happening between us.

  It was Tereza licking him and writhing against him. She screamed out in pleasure. Then it was the blonde who had led him away from me. She was the one who had played with his nipple ring. Now she was rubbing herself against Kegan and licking his cheek. It wasn’t me. Nor was I the owner of the lips sucking on his neck. No, they belonged to the man that was now trying to kiss him. I wasn’t the one having sex with strangers on that huge bed. The noises, once muffled, were now as loud as ever, enveloping me with the smell of sex.

  Bile rose up in my throat, but I forced it down. Kegan tried to make eye contact, desperate to connect with me once more, but it was too late. I understood that he wasn’t mine, that perhaps he never had been. Tereza was right: he belonged to her now. He belonged to whoever was touching him. He belonged to the clients sitting on the couch enjoying the show. I blinked and saw him for the beast that he was. The one that I’d always refused to see. That I thought I’d tamed. I hadn’t taught him to feel anything for me. I hadn’t taught him anything at all.

  There was no longer a magnetic connection between us.

  Kegan was no longer lost in my eyes, because now he was back where he belonged.

  And my heart was once again prisoner to my ribcage.

  Every beat hurt.

  I brought my hands to my chest. My heart cried out. Then, Kegan let out a silent scream that shook me to my core. It seemed like everyone in the room had heard it. The disgusting sounds that had once filled the room grew quieter until the room fell completely silent. Nobody moved a muscle. Dozens of eyes were now focused upon me.

  The expression on my face made Kegan go pale.

  My heart was still screaming like a newborn baby. I brought my hands to my mouth and realized it was wide open. Without knowing why or how, I was standing up. I only realized it was me who’d been screaming when I ran out of breath. I kicked off my heels and started running. I wanted to be miles away from him. I could hear his voice calling my name but it wasn’t enough to stop me. I swiped the keycard and left the room, slamming the door behind me. I ran as far as I could and then stopped to catch my breath, leaning against the wall like a drunk. My lungs burned. My legs could hardly hold me up. Every time I stopped I could hear business carrying on as usual at Lust. I gagged and bent over, but nothing came out.

  Hell. This place was Hell and Kegan was the demon who had tempted me here and tricked me into thinking it wasn’t really so bad. That it was even better than the Heaven that my sisters wanted. But this place was horrible. It was wrong. It destroyed you. It destroyed me.

  Tears clouded my vision. I heard his voice behind me and started walking again. I had to hold onto the wall to stop myself from falling. He kept calling me. I quickened my step but the voice that had destroyed me was getting closer. I didn’t waste time waiting for the elevator and took the stairs. I wanted to get out of this place. I wanted to run through the gate and get as far away from Lust as possible. I was running so fast I risked tripping.

  The third floor. Kegan grabbed my arm before I could start down a new flight of stairs. The feeling of his warm fingers on my skin made me shake. “Stop. Please stop,” he begged.

  “Don’t touch me!” I yelled out as I freed myself from his grasp with a strength I never knew I had, so hard I almost fell into the wall. “Don’t ever touch me again,” I hissed.

  He stepped back. I shivered. I hardly recognized my own voice: I had never heard it like that before. Kegan raised his arms in surrender. He swallowed nervously. “I’m sorry, I won’t touch you again, I swear.”

  I had to plug my ears, his voice was too painful to listen to. I had to build a barrier between the pain in his voice and my nearly exhausted sanity. He said he was sorry again, but I couldn’t understand what he was sorry for. For being forced to follow me, when it was clearly inconvenient for him? Sorry that he wouldn’t be making as much money as he’d planned that night?

  “You’re sorry,” I murmured expressionlessly. I looked at his hands. Those hands that I had longed to feel on my body for so long now looked slimy. How many bodies had they touched? How many times had they touched Tereza’s skin? Even thinking about that name brought back images of what I’d just seen. “You disgust me,” I spat out.

  It was true. Even an hour ago I could have never thought it possible. He had thrown his boxers on to run after me and see me like this. Did he like what he saw? Did he like knowing he had reduced me to this?

  He narrowed his eyes. He looked confused.

  Kegan had achieved his goal. I was disgusted. I hated him. Just like he wanted. But he didn’t seem happy. He wasn’t smiling. He couldn’t hold my gaze for more than a few seconds. His gorgeous face was pure anguish. His eyes were worried. Terrified. He pushed his hair back. “I know.” The way he said it sent chills up my spine.

  Seeing him like this made me even more furious. I would have preferred to see an air of satisfaction cross his face, not remorse. It confused me: I didn’t know what to do. I w
asn’t far from the wall. I didn’t know if I should run downstairs, or if I should punch him with all my strength and let him feel even a small bit of the pain he’d caused me.

  Kegan was still standing on the first step, shirtless, looking at me.

  I focused on his tattoo. Even my desire to touch it had vanished. All I could see were other girls’ hands on him. Fingers that I had only tricked myself into believing were mine, before I'd opened my eyes and truly looked.

  “I’m sorry, Rose. I’m really sorry.” He came toward me. I didn’t move. “Fuck, you can’t even imagine how much I hate—” He couldn’t finish his sentence.

  A stifled scream had escaped my throat, stopping him in his tracks and silencing him. He tried to speak again but I stormed at his chest and pounded my fists into him before he could even start. “You have no right to say you’re sorry!”

  I thought about all the times I’d tried to prevent it from coming to this. He’d said that he needed me to hate him, and I wasn’t going to let him get away with apologizing for it now. My knuckles ached, but what I felt inside was far worse.

  “This is what you wanted!” I wouldn’t allow him to say he was sorry, not after everything that’d happened. Not when he should have known how I would’ve reacted to seeing him at work. “Instead of saying you’re sorry, why don’t you show me how satisfied you are?” My blow may have knocked him back, but it didn’t make me feel any better. “Do you feel better now, knowing that I hate you?”

  He didn’t answer or even try to stop me. He’d said he would never touch me again. And he was keeping his word. I shook my head and backed away. There were no signs of my fists on his tanned skin. Once again, I’d hurt myself more than I’d hurt him.

  “I have no idea how I ever believed you were mine. That you really wanted me.”

  I had never felt so stupid, not even when Paul had told me he wouldn’t leave Jenna. I had broken my own personal record and only had myself to blame. Kegan had told me that it was just sex. More than once. That I couldn’t love him. And now I knew why—I’d seen it with my own eyes. “I can’t love you because you’re… a beast.”

  He closed his eyes for a moment and looked at the ground. Then he sank his teeth into his lower lip and stared at me. He took a breath and closed his eyes again. His Adam’s apple bobbed up and down. “Exactly.” One word. But it seemed to be the most difficult thing he’d ever said. “And who could love a beast?” Kegan then changed the subject. “There’s a difference, you know, between wanting something and getting it.”

  I didn’t comment.

  “Do you want to leave now?”

  I could hardly believe my ears. I let out a hysterical laugh. “What do you think?”

  Kegan nodded. “You want to get out of here now, and I get it, but first I need you to do something for me.”

  I stumbled backwards until my back hit the wall. “Jesus Christ,” I yelled out. “I can’t believe you have the nerve to ask me for something!” I was on the verge of a new breakdown. “No,” I said as I watched him approach me. “I don’t owe you anything. Ask one of your whores.” I brushed my hair out of my face and tried not to look him in the eyes. I wasn’t going to give in. I looked at his feet and regretted leaving the heels in the room. I would have loved to dig my stilettos into his toes.

  “Please,” he said, oblivious to my thoughts. Kegan stopped a few feet away from me to respect my personal space. “One last thing. I swear. I know you hate me, that I’m an asshole. That you might even want me dead. But...” He paused and inhaled. “I don’t want you ask you for anything, but I need to,” he said in his beautiful voice.

  I felt the urge to hit him again, this time right in the throat. How I would have loved to rip out his vocal cords so I’d never have to hear his voice again.

  “I always feel dirty after I’ve been with a client, but this time it’s different. This time I saw who I really am. I saw myself through your eyes. It’s one thing to imagine—seeing it is different. Fuck. This isn’t what I expected would happen tonight. It was terrible. It is terrible. And now I need you to do one thing for me or I’ll go crazy. It won’t take long. Then you can go.”

  I thought about what he said.

  “Can you stand to spend another ten minutes in my company?” he asked jokingly, trying to break the tension. But Kegan’s attempt at humor had failed. His voice cracked halfway through and he looked sad.

  I didn’t say anything. I was still processing what he had just said.

  “I’m begging you. Please.”

  I saw his hands reach out for me as if he were going to caress my arms, as if he were about to break his promise. He stopped.

  “What do you want from me?”

  “Please, Rose. Just say yes.”

  We stood in silence for a few minutes. Now he was the one begging. Kegan Anderson, maybe for the first time ever, was pleading with someone, and that someone was me. I had no idea what he was thinking, just as I had no idea what he wanted from me. Should I accept? Or should I refuse? I knew I shouldn’t trust him, that I should say no without mulling it over for even one second. But my masochistic heart couldn’t resist. It wanted to suffer a little bit more. I knew that if I didn’t agree, I would spend the rest of my life wondering what he’d wanted.

  I sighed and looked up at him. “Okay,” I said, giving in. “But if it’s going back into that room and watching the second half of that porno, I—”

  “No.” He didn’t even let me warn him that I’d castrate him. “But I still have to go back and get my things. I left everything back there, and I never leave my things unattended. I didn’t even think about them when I ran after you.” I spotted a trace of insecurity in his face, catching me off guard. He’d never been insecure, nor had he ever begged for anything. He’d never looked so tormented. Dear God. I was about to reach out and console him, despite what he had done to me.

  But I stopped just in time. He made his way up the stairs and my feet followed his.

  The only sound in the stairwell was our breaths as we made our way back to the fourth floor. My stomach turned when we reached the door. I hoped the room would be empty. That everything would have stopped after Kegan had left. That the Turners had gone home. The last thing I wanted to see were all those bodies together. But my hopes only came true in part. I hadn’t even set foot in the room when I heard Tereza go off on him.

  “Disappointed clients. They are wait for you downstairs,” she yelled. “Customer refuse to pay. None of us.”

  I decided to wait outside.

  “I’ll pay you. Finn has the night off. I’ll call Gerard and have him give the Turners their deposit back.” Kegan did as he said, but that wasn’t enough to calm Tereza.

  “How could you?”

  He didn’t answer.

  “How could you run away for her?”

  She muttered something under her breath in Russian. It sounded like she was crying. Kegan ignored her again. She was now yelling in Russian. I assumed her anger was directed more at me than at him. From her tone it was clear to me that she didn’t really care about the dissatisfied clients or about her compensation. Tereza didn’t like that Kegan had left her during sex. For me. She stepped out of the room and we locked eyes. A wave of hatred and resentment nearly knocked me off my feet. She thought she had lost. That I had won. But what she couldn’t understand was that, in reality, we were both losers here. That we both loved someone who couldn’t reciprocate our feelings. She sauntered off and disappeared around the corner.

  “Okay. I’m ready,” Kegan said, my heels dangling from his fingers.

  I put them on and stopped thinking about Tereza. We made our way toward the elevator. Once again, we walked without speaking. I had thought he was going to get dressed inside the room; instead he had only picked up his cell phone, my shoes, and a keycard.

  His mood hadn’t changed: he looked just as distraught as before. I almost felt bad for him.

  I clenched my fists and looked at myself in the
mirror. My mascara was smudged but I didn’t care. What mattered was that I stayed calm and detached. I couldn’t let him get the best of me; I had to show him that I was totally indifferent to his exhaustion.

  “It feels like only ten minutes have passed since I was waiting for you outside your room.”

  I was dying to respond in a bitchy tone. “Yeah.”

  Kegan glared at me as he hit the button for the fifth floor. An earthquake hit my core. I was about to fall to my knees right in front of him. My stomach and heart ached with pangs of surprise, fear, and excitement. We were on our way to the top floor of Lust. Kegan’s floor. Where nobody except the cleaning staff had ever been. Kegan was bringing me to his apartment. I was overcome with emotions. The elevator stopped.

  Would my legs have the strength to step through the doors? The inner earthquake had destabilized me; I needed to recover. I would need minutes—no, hours, months, or even years—to get over this, to get over everything that had just happened. Then Kegan opened the door and my feet surprised me as they walked out of the elevator without missing a beat.

  New pangs awaited me inside the apartment. I followed Kegan into his home as chaos controlled my mind. I had no idea where we were heading, nor which part of the apartment he wanted to show me. What the hell were we even doing there? I took a deep breath. I was in Kegan’s apartment. It was the only thing I could think about. Me. Inside Kegan’s apartment. The concept was almost too difficult for my brain to process.

  Kegan tossed his phone and keycard on the couch and kept walking. The gigantic room was the eighth wonder of the world; it took my breath away. A luxury aquarium made up one of the walls in the living room and continued down the hallway. I admired the fish as the blue water reflected on my skin. It looked as if I had been flung into the ocean, into what could have been the Little Mermaid’s home. I remembered something similar in a magazine tour of a sheikh’s house. Never could I have imagined that I would see such a sight in real life, with my own eyes, in a brothel on Long Island. So, Kegan hadn’t been joking when he’d said he had an aquarium.