The Far Side of Lonesome

by Rita Hestand

  When he was through, his head shone. He saw her watching and put her hand atop his head to touch it.

  She laughed shyly.

  “Why do you do that?” she asked, pulling her hand away quickly.

  “Well,” he glanced at her with a smile. “We used to have bugs a lot where I lived. I hated them. So my Mama, she started shavin’ my head real regular. I never quit.”

  He watched her a moment, “Does it bother you?”

  “Oh no, some of the Indians would cut their hair in different patterns and shapes, but none of them shaved. But I like yours, makes you look so clean.”

  Jeb laughed until their eyes met, and then he cleared his throat and moved away.

  He was obviously keeping his distance from her, and she wondered why.

  * * * * *

  One afternoon they broke for a rest and the men went hunting to find some meat. They hadn’t eaten anything but jerky in days. The sound of a bobcat brought Sara awake from a quick nap she stole with the baby.

  She heard the screeching of the cat from the bushes. She got out the rifle and put her baby behind her. The cat cry seemed to echo against the valley floor. She couldn’t see him, but she felt his presence.

  Sweat trickled down her breast and back. She shaded her eyes to see, and then pushing the baby back, she stood and aimed as the cat came boldly closer. He hissed and scratched and showed his teeth. Sarah moved backwards, hiding her baby as best she could. She would not let her child die. The cat’s screech was alarming, though.

  But as the cat sprang at her, a rifle shot echoed from behind the cat. The cat fell to the ground with a thud before her. Jeb stood there just a few feet away, as he lowered the gun.

  Sarah instinctively ran towards him. She threw herself in his arms and held on tight. She was shaking like a leaf in the wind.

  He caught her to him and hugged her, “It’s alright now…,” he whispered.

  But as he would have pulled away, she held on to him, and in an instant he kissed her forehead. He meant to pull away, but she pulled his head down to meet her waiting kiss and their lips touched, tentatively at first then hungrily. Warm, moist lips covered hers softly. She felt herself melt like butter. She'd tolerated her white husband, she'd learned to care for her Indian husband, but this…this was something she knew nothing about. Her heart actually swooned as his lips explored hers tenderly.

  Everything inside Sarah came to life now, as though he breathed life into her body. She would have stayed there all day, but the rustle of the bushes told them Hoot wasn’t far behind. They pulled away, shocked and breathless.

  *****

  It was a full two days before Jeb had the courage to broach the subject to her. He didn't know how to begin, he didn't want to hurt her, but they couldn't let it happen again. It came in a moment alone as Hoot had already fallen asleep by the fire.

  “I’m sorry Sarah, that should have never happened, and it won’t again…,” he murmured as he came up beside her.

  She nodded silently, unable to speak it seemed. And then she turned tearful eyes on him, “Please don’t spoil it with words…I don't know why it happened, but it was such a special moment, trying to figure it out, takes away from it.”

  “Sarah…I never meant to….”

  “It was bound to happen, from the first moment…I saw you….” She turned away from him. "There was something about your eyes, the way you looked at me, no man has ever looked at me like that."

  He looked at her, with shock. What was she saying? But he let it go; it was not the time to talk of it…was it? His mouth opened to say something, but he couldn’t.

  “I love you Jeb…,” she said softly, her eyes meeting his. “I'm sorry I shocked you…And I’m sorry, because it only makes matters worse. I love Hoot too—in a different way. You're…” Her eyes took on a far away look as she turned to look at him. “Like family to me now… Only…what I feel for you goes deeper somehow. Even I know that now. And I know it shouldn’t. I guess I’m not a very good person…for feeling as I do. But when you kissed me I knew…”

  He walked up to her and pulled her to face him squarely. “I don’t want to hear that kind of talk. You are such a strong and good person, to open your heart so…,” he gasped.

  “My family would never accept you, Jeb….” She shook her head. "And yours…if you had any, probably wouldn't either."

  “I know that…it’s enough that you do…” he whispered and pulled her to him. He felt her heart beat quicken. He held her tight, not wanting to let her go, yet knowing he had to. "What we feel…can't be…you know that as well as me…"

  She pulled away, looked into his dark eyes and smiled. “Just remember, when I leave you, I leave part of me here, with you…”

  He backed away from her, his mouth open, his eyes staring into hers and his head nodding, “Yeah…I know exactly what you mean….” Then he smiled and moved away.

  Chapter Five

  When they reached the town of Round Rock, they stopped along the edge to camp and talk about the leaving.

  Jeb firmed his lips and looked at Sarah, “You can’t go into town looking like a squaw. We gotta get you a dress. A white lady dress. It'll give you time to figure out how to talk to them without them jumping to conclusions.”

  Hoot nodded, “He’s right…”

  “Where are we gonna get a dress out here?” Sarah frowned at the two of them as though they’d lost their mind.

  “Hoot will go into town to get one and bring it to you. Then you can ride into town and find your sister.” Jeb decided.

  “Why me? Why don’t you go get a dress? I don’t know nothin’ about women’s things,” Hoot hollered.

  “’Cause I want a minute alone with her,” Jeb whispered for Hoot’s ears alone.

  Hoot looked at Jeb seriously, then Sarah, and nodded. “Okay…I’ll go.”

  Sarah told him the size dress she would need and to go to the general store. She explained to pick out something simple, a gingham or just a plain skirt and shirt.

  “But what are we gonna use for money?”

  Jeb squinted in the sun then got her horse, “We’ll sell the horse for it. She won’t need it once she gets to her sister. She can ride my horse and leave it somewhere about the property. Then we’ll go get it and be on our way,” Jeb announced the dullness in his voice spoke loudly.

  Sarah’s eyes clouded with tears, but she didn’t argue.

  Hoot kissed Sarah on the cheek and rode off.

  Jeb pretended to be tending to chores, so Sarah went to feed her baby. She had just pulled her breast out to give the baby her nipple when Jeb came around and saw her. She jumped a little, but he threw up his hand in the air. His eyes fastened on her with a unspoken hunger.

  “Don’t, don’t hide it from me. Let me stay here and just feed upon the beauty of it. A momma feedin’ her young, like God intended, a beautiful site. I won’t hurt you Sarah. I won’t touch you. But don’t rob me of this one pleasure,” Jeb said, his voice torn with agonizing emotion.

  Sarah nodded and settled the baby against her. Although Jeb stared and his facial expression told her he felt the same about her.

  She saw Jeb staring and tried to smile. She’d never been this pulled to a man before and it was scary, especially since she’d had two other men in her life. But somehow this seemed so special. Her white husband never once thought the act of feeding his children beautiful. Her Indian husband never watched.

  When she was done, the baby had gone to sleep and she laid him on her bedroll in the shade.

  Jeb came around to her; he looked at her sadly.

  “Well, Sarah, this is goodbye. I wanted a few minutes alone with you before you left. I wanted to tell you…I love you, too…”

  Sarah felt her heart break, knowing he loved her and knowing she had to leave him and never see him again. She needed him so badly. Her heart was breaking. Would the pain in her life ever stop?

  He threw his hand up again, to keep her still. “If you ev
er…ever need me, you can come to Waco and ask for me or Hoot at the feed store, we’ll be out back workin’.” Jeb announced. "That’s where Hoot and I usually work, when we’re not on a cattle drive.”

  She nodded.

  He started to walk off, but her words stopped him. “Would you hold me one last time?” she barely breathed the question.

  He stared long and hard at her. Then slowly he spread out his arms, and smiled when she came into them unresisting. His lips rested in her hair. He felt her body warm him and he felt her heart quicken against him. He knew that love bound them. Somehow he knew that God sanctioned their love too, for why else would she be in their path?

  “I don’t regret kissing you Sarah, or loving you…,” he whispered softly.

  “Then kiss me goodbye like you mean it,” she cried and rose on tiptoe to touch her lips to his. Like fire his lips branded her, sending a message to her that she was his, no matter where she went or what she did. She would always be his.

  When he released her, she sighed heavily. “The world’s on fire with hate…isn’t it?”

  “Maybe…but you carry our love…sweet Sarah. Remember you are a part of me that I will always treasure…and if you ever need me…you know where to look,” he said and moved away as though that was the end of it.

  Sarah stood staring at him, loving him so deeply she couldn’t begin to tell him how much. But knowing their love was impossible somehow, too.

  He checked on the horses and mended his ropes. He did everything but look at Sarah now. Sarah tended her baby and tried to keep her eyes from straying to Jeb.

  Hoot came back late that afternoon with a homespun dress of blue and a pair of pants and shirt for the baby. Sarah smiled at him and kissed him on the cheek again. “You thought of everything. Thank you, Hoot.”

  Hoot smiled.

  Jeb approved of Hoot’s buying and then they moved closer to the creek.

  “You go clean up, Sarah. Fix your hair. Do you want to take the baby in with you, or come back for him?”

  Sarah glanced at her son, and swallowed hard. “No, I’ll take him with me—might as well get it over and done with. They’ll have to know soon, anyway.”

  Jeb and Hoot nodded.

  Sarah went to wash up and took the baby with her. She took the time to wash his hair and hers then she dressed him and her. She fixed her hair as well as she could. Her hands shook. First, saying goodbye to Jeb would be like physically breaking her own heart. Even Hoot had come to mean so much to her in these short days. Then facing her two daughters with her Indian child… How would they receive her? A slow burning fear gripped her.

  But when she was dressed and ready, she felt as though she might faint. She was more afraid of facing her sister than she realized.

  “Maybe, I should go in alone—prepare them for the shock of it….” She said in a low whisper. Her eyes fell on her child. "I'm such a coward…."

  "No…you ain't no coward," Hoot smiled. "And it would be easier if you eased the information to them, rather than bringing him with you. It will be a shock…."

  The men nodded. “You do what is easiest for you,” Hoot said.

  “Would you mind keeping him just until I’ve had a talk, just a few hours…?”

  “That will be fine; you can head out in the morning.” Jeb assured her.

  All night they talked and laughed and tried to celebrate the moment for her. But Sarah felt no celebration. She was afraid.

  * * * * *

  The next morning came with the same dread followed her. But she was strong, she reminded herself. She'd faced Comanche hadn't she?

  With a kiss on the cheek to both of them she thanked them for all they’d done and rode Jeb’s horse to town. She hadn't looked into Jeb's or Hoot's eyes, for she knew she'd see sadness and she wanted to remember them always with happy smiles.

  As she rode in she heard the familiar and yet unfamiliar sounds of the blacksmith shop. The smell of wood smoke and the feel of civilization closed in on her. Strange how it stifled her now. She stopped off at the general store and asked for directions to her sister’s house. The lady who waited on her stared at her with her mouth open. What had she done? They couldn't know about her.

  She took her outside and pointed up the street and about two miles down the road, she explained. Sarah rode out slowly, the woman staring after her.

  Why had she stared at her so? After all, she didn’t have Indian or black stamped all over her. She was a white woman going to see her sister. What was so wrong about that?

  As Sarah rode up the road she tried to think how she would approach her sister and kids.

  Nothing she rehearsed in her mind prepared her for the woman she met on the porch. She was churnin’ butter and she looked up and her mouth hung open.

  “Sa-Sarah….” The woman cried out. “Is that you…Sarah?” the woman nearly screamed and ran out to meet her, dragging her from the horse and hugging her as though she might get up and run away. The thought occurred to Sarah, but she held still.

  “Hello, Maggie…” Sarah laughed as she kissed her sister on the cheek.

  “I thought you were dead,” Maggie cried out. “We all thought you were dead…”

  “I nearly was…but I made it back here.”

  Maggie shook her head and looked at her. “Come in, come in the house this instant. I want to hear the whole story….oh, land sakes, Michael will be so happy I’ve got my sister back.”

  “Michael?” Sarah asked.

  “Yes, my husband, Michael. He’s gone hunting’, but he’ll be in directly….” Maggie laughed.

  Maggie had aged, her hair was turning grey in spots, her face more lined but still a beauty of a woman.

  “Land sakes, this is a blessing. This is a miracle. I can’t wait to tell everyone in town….we’ll have a party that’s what we’ll do…” Maggie was babbling like a brook.

  Sarah smiled, but the sound of a party didn’t thrill her. She wanted time to adjust to her own family before she met the town people.

  Sarah glanced around the house; it was well kept and clean with beautiful dollies on the chairs. It looked so homey. Sarah felt proud her sister had made such a fine home.

  “Where are the girls?” Sarah finally asked when Maggie quit asking so many questions and stopped to make them tea. "Are they in school?"

  Maggie nearly dropped the china cups at the question….

  “You mean….you mean you don’t know…” Maggie asked breathlessly as she came toward her with a frown and sadness.

  Sarah felt a prickle go up her back. Fear skittered up and down. “Know what?”

  “Oh no…I can’t believe it… Why, honey…"Her sister grabbed her hands to hold them The way she held them told Sarah more than she knew. "They are dead…they been dead for years….” Maggie exclaimed.

  “Dead?” Sarah stood up in the middle of the living room, setting her cup down on the small table. Her hands shook so the cup rattled loudly. “Both of them… How?”

  “Why, honey…the same way as Daniel. They was butchered by the Indians. I thought you would know… I never dreamed…” Maggie took Sarah into her arms. “Oh I’m so sorry…”

  “But…I saw them…they were still in the wagon when they took me off…” Sarah said, the tears rolling down her cheeks. She shook her head. Then closed her eyes. The Comanche had done this…

  Maggie shook her head and closed her eyes, “Those heathens butchered them…,” she cried out.

  “Oh, my God…oh, my God…” Sarah plopped back into the chair and closed her eyes. “All this time…thinking of them, thinking they had escaped…”

  “Oh honey, don’t do this…you are here now, safe…with family… Don’t fret so…” Maggie pulled her again into her arms and comforted her. “You come with me and lie down for a while. Then we’ll talk and I’ll show you where they are buried.”

  Sarah cried aloud now, wailed, and her misery seemed to echo through the house. Even being this close to her sister didn't hel
p. All the years of leaning on the memory of her two white children, and to hear they were killed so long ago, made her tremble and weep so hard she couldn't breathe.

  She did lie down for a while, but the nightmare would not go away. To think she’d come so far, from such a long way, and to have nothing… No…not nothing. She still had her son… She needed to go get her son. That would make her feel better.

  She stood up and looked about the room. It was a lovely room, with a beautiful handmade quilt and a loomed rug on the floor. Everything here was perfect. But she needed her son….

  She opened the door and saw her sister sitting in the parlor, drinking tea, shaking her head and talking to herself, as though consoling herself.

  “Maggie…I’ve got to bring my son home…he’s not far, I’ll go get him…”

  “Son… You have a son…where dear?”

  “He’s out there a ways. I’ve got to go get him…”

  “You’re hysterical; you don’t know what you are saying. You have no son, Sarah…” Maggie shook her head adamantly.

  “Of course I do… I’ll be back, I’ll show you…” Sarah ran to the door and looked over her shoulder.”

  Maggie was shaking her head and following her, “Sarah, you come back here, honey, you don’t have a son…”

  Sarah stopped cold in the middle of the yard and turned to look at her sister, “Yes…I do.”

  “But…how…I mean who…? I mean…no, you don’t have a son…” Maggie exclaimed shaking her head. “Come on now, let me show you where the girls are,” Maggie encouraged.

  Sarah nodded numbly. She could tell her about her baby later. When she could calm down and think.

  They walked up a small hill and went inside a gate and there—in the cold, cold ground— was the stone with their names on it. Sarah ran her fingers over their names. She bent double and cried for her babies that she would never see again. “Oh God…. How could this have happened?”