The Road Without You

by H. M. Sholander

  Stella licks her neck, clawing at her arms like she can’t get close enough.

  “No thanks to you.” Raegan glares at Arya.

  “I was only trying to help you last time.” She frowns.

  Raegan mutters under her breath before turning her attention to me as she plops on the couch next to me. “And you,” she says, jabbing a finger in my chest, “thank you.”

  Her eyes soften, and my eyes widen, as I didn’t expect her gratitude from the way her finger dug into my chest.

  “But don’t you dare kiss me again. There’s no telling where that mouth of yours has been.”

  There it is.

  I’ve been waiting for her to say something about that. I knew she wouldn’t appreciate me kissing her, but there’s no way she didn’t feel what I did—like everything was right when our mouths collided.

  “My mouth is a lot cleaner than that sleazy ex of yours,” I say, leaning back into the couch.

  Arya laughs behind me. “Oh, I like you.” She leans over the couch and places Stella between me and Raegan. “If you don’t want him, Raegan, can I have him?”

  She pushes Arya away. “No.” She picks Stella up and holds her like a baby.

  I grin, wagging my eyebrows. “I knew I meant something to you.”

  She scratches Stella’s belly, and Stella wiggles her body in Raegan’s arms as her tongue hangs out of her mouth.

  Raegan grimaces at me. “Shut up.”

  The black fur ball in her arms yelps, and I can’t tell if she’s agreeing with Raegan or not.

  I shake my head at both of them.

  Raegan is more than I can handle, but all I keep thinking is, I want nothing more than to be the one she takes along for the ride.

  I left Raegan’s an hour ago and came straight to my parents’ house, feeling guilty for not seeing Sam all weekend.

  I open the fridge, searching for something to cook for Sam, but when all I find is condiments and yogurt, I shut the door.

  When she asked for a snack several minutes ago, I told her I would look for something, but I know she won’t eat the yogurt. She says she doesn’t like to drink her food. I chuckle to myself. Yogurt isn’t something you can drink, but to her, it is.

  I turn my head when I hear footsteps coming down the stairs. When I see my mom, my shoulders stiffen.

  She walks past me, not bothering to glance at me. “What are you doing?” she questions as she swipes a glass out of the kitchen cabinet.

  “Looking out for my sister.” I lean against the fridge, crossing my arms.

  She scoffs. “She’s got me; she’s fine.”

  My eyes harden. Does she really think that? “I beg to differ.”

  Mom walks to the sink and turns on the faucet, filling her glass with water. “You don’t have anything to offer her. You’re not her parent.” She shuts off the water, taking a long gulp from her cup.

  The circles under her eyes are more prominent than the last time I saw her, and the whites of her eyes are red. For the first time, I notice her face isn’t as full as it used to be.

  What is happening to her?

  “You aren’t either.”

  She grips the glass in her hand before slamming it on the counter, her eyes as crazed as they were when she was throwing stuff out the window.

  “Listen here”—she jabs her finger in my face—“I don’t know who you think you are, but I’m your mother. I expect you to treat me with respect.”

  I push away from the fridge, taking a step toward her. “I expect a lot of things from you, too, but I’m not holding my breath.”

  “We never should have had you. That smart mouth of yours—”

  “Kate!” Dad’s voice booms through the kitchen, startling me and Mom.

  The muscles in my arms flex as I fist my hand. I grit my teeth and turn on my heel to leave them before I do something I’ll regret.

  “Jax, wait,” Dad calls as he grabs my arm.

  I shake him off, not interested in listening to a word either one of them has to say.

  I run up the stairs and walk down the hallway. I take several deep breaths, calming myself down. I don’t know what’s happening to this family, but I feel like it’s all coming to a head. We’re combusting, on the verge of turning to ash.

  When I make it to Sam’s room, I softly knock on the door and push it open.

  Sam turns her head from where she’s sitting on the floor, a smile lighting up her face when she sees me. “Did you bring me a snack?”

  I wince. “No, Munchkin. What do you say we go out to eat?”

  She bounces, her long brown hair dancing down her back. “Okay, but come play dress up with me first.”

  I walk across the room and sit next to her, taking in the Barbie clothes scattered on the floor.

  “Here.” She hands me a doll with short black hair. The poor doll looks like it went to the barber shop of Sam, it’s hair uneven. “You can dress Patty while I brush Maggie’s hair, then we can go.”

  I laugh. Sam could convince me to do anything, including letting her put makeup on me and painting my nails.

  I pick up a metallic blue dress and put it on Patty.

  “Jax?” Sam asks, not taking her eyes off Maggie’s hair. “Why do Mom and Dad yell all the time?”

  My stomach sinks as my hands freeze. How do I tell her our parents seem to hate each other?

  I look at her, and my heart splinters. Sam’s mouth is turned down, and her eyes seem sad. I want to take it away. I want her smiles and to see her eyes twinkle every day.

  I clear my throat. “Sometimes people don’t get along.”

  “Like me and Aaron?” She continues to brush the dolls hair.

  “Who’s Aaron?”

  “A boy at school who stole my pudding.”

  If I could get away with threatening a little kid, I would hunt Aaron down and tell him not to mess with Sam. I only want her to know the good in life, but I know that’s impossible. I can’t protect her from everything.

  “Yeah, just like you and Aaron.” I finish dressing Patty and hold her out to Sam. “What do you think?”

  “She’s beautiful.” She beams.

  “Not as beautiful as you.” She blushes as I wrap my arm around her shoulders.

  A door slams somewhere in the house, causing her to jump. I squeeze her tighter, kissing the top of her head. “Let’s get out here. I’m starving.” I rub my stomach.

  She stands, and I do the same. “I want dessert,” she says, putting on her shoes.

  I tap my chin, pretending to think about it. “Only if you can beat me to the front door.”

  She runs out of the room, giggling as she bounds down the hallway. I don’t chase after her until I hear her hit the last step.

  When I reach her, her hand is on the front door as she grins from ear to ear. “I win,” she announces.

  “Dessert it is.” I pick her up, holding her on my hip as I open the door.

  “You know I’ll always be here for you, right, Munchkin?”

  She nods, her head hitting my shoulder. “I know.” She grips the sleeve of my shirt as we walk to my truck. “Love you, Jax.”

  “I love you, too.”

  Always.

  Raegan

  I flip onto my stomach in bed, staring out the window, as the sun peeks through the blinds.

  When Jax left yesterday, I snuck off to my room and pretended to be asleep. I wasn’t in the mood to deal with Arya’s questions.

  I wanted a chance to digest everything that had happened yesterday. The only conclusion I came to was I was fucked.

  When Jax had kissed me, it was magic. I hadn’t seen fireworks. I had seen stars shooting across the sky.

  But I’m not stupid enough to think it meant anything to him. I know what he was doing. He was proving a point to Travis because there’s no way he felt the earth shift under his feet like I did.

  I groan, slapping the bed, and Stella whimpers from the end of the bed.

  “I’d gi
ve up everything for you.”

  I hate how when he said those words I felt like it was true. Hell, I wanted it to be true. But why? Am I trying to replace Travis? Am I one of those women who needs a guy to feel complete?

  I close my eyes, exhaling before I open them again. No, I don’t need a guy to feel complete, but for some reason, Jax makes me feel like myself again.

  I wish I could despise him as much as I did when I first met him, but I don’t. He’s turning into something more. Friend? Fling? I don’t really know. We’re in this gray area, and I detest feeling like a jumbled mess over a guy I barely know.

  I remember when I first met Travis. I was head over heels for him, but it’s different with Jax. Then I think of the person Travis turned into the longer we were together, and I feel like that’s exactly who Jax is.

  Travis and Jax—I could compare them all day long. They both sleep with anything that walks and think they are better than the person standing next to them. With their boyish looks and innocent smiles, each of them was able to captivate me from the moment I met them.

  I laugh to myself. At least I know I have a type.

  Stella paws at my leg, and I shift on the bed, pulling her up my body and resting her next to my head. She licks my face as I pet her soft black fur.

  Travis didn’t call me when we left his house yesterday, and I’m a little surprised because I took Stella. But I don’t think he’ll be a problem anymore. He doesn’t care about her, and I can see now that he never cared about me.

  “What do you think about Jax?” I ask Stella.

  She tilts her head, watching me with her dark brown eyes.

  “Yeah, I don’t know either.” I rub her giant ears. “I think he might be a good guy, but I don’t trust my judgment anymore.”

  She barks, jumping up and down, causing my head to jostle on the pillow. I laugh at her as I slip out of bed.

  “You’re just agreeing with me because he helped me get you back.”

  She barks louder, and I pick her up off the bed to quiet her, so she doesn’t wake Arya. Stella licks my face before I place her on the floor.

  But maybe he really is different. He’s shown me that he isn’t who I thought he was. He stood up for me more than once when Travis was treating me like a dead bug under his shoe. He walked me home from the drive-in movie when he could have left me behind, like Nathan did. So, maybe Jax isn’t as bad as I thought he was.

  Stripping out of my sleep shorts and oversize shirt, I throw on a pair of yoga pants, a sports bra, and a long-sleeved shirt.

  I head out of my room, Stella running behind me, and jog down the stairs.

  I swipe Stella’s black leash out of the closet next to the front door and clip it on the hot-pink collar Arya bought for her.

  “Let’s go for a run,” I say, beaming, thankful to have my running partner back.

  I scratch behind her ear before I stand and open the front door, heading outside.

  Stella never meant as much to Travis as she did to me.

  The first week we had her, whenever she cried in the middle of the night, he would find her to be an annoyance, and he never showed any interest toward her. It’s a wonder why he let me adopt her in the first place.

  I, on the other hand, treated her like a newborn baby, giving her everything and anything I could. When I was crate-training her, I would sleep next to her on the floor at night to soothe some of her cries. Most nights, when I ate dinner on the couch—alone—I would feed her from my plate.

  She owns every part of me, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

  Stepping onto the sidewalk, Stella wags her tail.

  “Come on.” I nod my head. My feet pound against the pavement as I break into a run. Each movement brings me closer to peace, the farther I move away from the house.

  Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out.

  I look down at Stella panting next to me with her tongue hanging out of her mouth. I smile at her as her short, little legs work twice as hard to keep up with me.

  The crisp fall air fills my lungs and pushes me faster as the red and orange leaves crunch under my feet. On the opposite side of the road is dying grass that spans as far as I can see, but the side we are running on is lined with houses—most of them occupied by college students since campus is so close.

  Stella barks wildly to the left of me, yanking my arm as she tries to sprint across the grass, toward one of the houses on the right. I get tangled up in her leash as she runs between my legs, trying to coax me to let her loose.

  I attempt to disentangle myself from her, but I trip over Stella and the leash, falling on the cement and losing my grip on her leash. My forearm stings as it skids across the sidewalk, catching my fall before my face hits the ground.

  “Damn it,” I hiss, turning over and sitting on my butt as I unwrap the leash from around my feet.

  As soon as I unravel it, Stella darts across several lawns, barking, running toward one of the houses.

  I curse under my breath, watching her small form zip across the grass.

  “Stella!” I yell, pushing to my feet, ignoring the burn on my right forearm as I run after her.

  She sprints up the driveway of one of the houses, not stopping until she reaches the person sitting on the steps. I squint, trying to make out the person, but I can’t decipher who it is.

  I run down the sidewalk and through the lawn of the house she ran up to.

  When I catch up with her, Stella is jumping on Jax’s legs. He’s sitting on cement steps, leading to what I assume is his house. He rubs her back with Walker panting next to him.

  Of course she was running to him and away from me. I think he might have stolen her heart yesterday.

  I stop in front of them, snatching Stella’s leash off the ground. “Do all females flock to you?”

  He stands from the steps and angles his body closer to me. “It’s not my fault she was trying to get away from you,” he jabs, running a hand through his short brown hair.

  Walker barks, trotting down the stairs and pawing at my leg. Bending down, I pet him as I glare at Jax. Walker moves away when he’s satisfied, lying in the grass where a tree provides him with shade from the morning sun.

  “What happened to you?” Jax questions.

  Lifting my hand to my hair, I push the stray strands away from my face. I notice the sleeve of my shirt is covered in dirt, and I bring my arm down, wiping away the remnants of my fall.

  “You,” I say, scowling.

  Stella tugs on her leash, and I follow the length of it with my eyes until I see my dog jumping on Walker. She attempts to lie on him as he lounges in the grass, ignoring my rambunctious dog. I shake my head at her.

  “Me?” he balks, shifting my attention back to him. “I didn’t do anything.”

  I scoff. “I fell because Stella saw you sitting here.”

  He throws his hands up in surrender. “She came running up to me. I didn’t call her over.”

  “Ugh,” I groan, not in the mood to deal with him.

  I let my irritation shine through, not wanting Jax to know the feelings starting to bubble inside me. He has a weird effect on me. Either he’s pissing me off or leaving my head foggy from his sweet gestures.

  I turn away from him to collect Stella since she doesn’t seem to want to leave Walker’s side. Leaning over, I remove her from Walker’s back. One of her claws breaks through the fabric of my shirt, and I hiss from the sting that shoots up my arm.

  “What’s wrong?” Jax bends down at his waist, his face inches from mine.

  I place Stella on her feet at my side, and I straighten up, soothing my forearm with my hand. “It’s nothing.”

  He removes my hand and slides the sleeve of my shirt up my forearm, revealing a road rash tinged with blood. “It doesn’t look like nothing.”

  He inspects the wound closer, and I mash my lips together to keep my breath from hitching when his thumb runs around the scrape.

  His hand travels the len
gth of my forearm, leaving goose bumps in his wake that I’d rather blame on the chill in the air. “Make sure you clean it when you get home. You don’t want it to get infected.”

  He lowers my arm back to my side and looks over the rest of my body. I’m a hot mess, but he doesn’t say anything about it. He pulls a few leaves out of my hair that I had no idea were there, causing my face to heat in embarrassment. The leaves float to the ground as he drops them before moving on to what I assume is dirt on my face. He brushes it away, but his finger lingers, trailing from my cheek until his hand is cupped on the back of my neck.

  He leans in as my pulse pounds behind the weight of his hand. He stops a breath away from my ear, whispering, “You can’t tell me you didn’t feel anything when I kissed you because I felt it in every nerve of my body.”

  His nose grazes my neck, and an involuntary whimper escapes my mouth.

  He pulls me closer, looking me in the eyes, before sealing our lips together for the second time. There’s no one around to make jealous. No one around to stare, except for the two dogs sitting by a tree.

  I forget all the reasons I shouldn’t be kissing him because kissing him is as easy as breathing.

  He pushes me backward until I land against the side of the house, but I don’t complain. My arms wrap around his neck, and my fingers tangle in the hair on the nape of his neck. He leans into me, melding our bodies together.

  One of his hands roams down the side of my body, never venturing further than my hips, making every hair on my body stand on end through my thin clothes.

  I’ve never felt this need, this attraction, for someone else. When I first met Travis, he didn’t have half of the allure that Jax has over me.

  My body begs to be closer to Jax. I wish I could crawl inside him and live there forever.

  I wrap my right leg around his waist, pushing myself harder against the house as I pull him tighter against me.

  His hand on my neck moves to the side of my face, fusing our mouths closer together. Our tongues tangle, consuming my entire body and mind.

  The world floats away, teleporting me to a time when I wasn’t a girl who was screwed over by a guy exactly like Jax. My heart beats erratically for the man attached to my body.