The Road Without You

by H. M. Sholander

  “Buy it for her?” Arya questions with an accusatory tone.

  “This is Sam, my sister,” I say, changing the subject.

  Arya leans down next to Sam, holding out her hand. “I’m Arya.”

  Sam drops her hand from Stella, turning her attention to the brunette across from her. “Ara,” Sam says.

  I stifle a laugh.

  “Arya,” she enunciates.

  “Aya,” Sam tries to mimic but fails miserably.

  “Oh, jeez, shorty.” She rolls her eyes. “That’s Raegan.” Arya points next to her.

  “Rayen.”

  “Raegan.”

  “Rae,” Sam says.

  I watch Raegan to see if she flinches, but she doesn’t. All she does is smile.

  “You can call me Rae,” she says, running her hand through Sam’s brown hair.

  Arya stands up straight. “Who taught this kid to talk?”

  “She’s four. Give her a break.” I adjust the pumpkin under my arm, not wanting another one to fall to the ground. “Can you watch her for a sec? I need to pay for this before the gangly kid behind the register tackles me.”

  Raegan nods her head as Walker trots around Stella, sneaking behind her to sniff her butt. Sam giggles as Stella runs around her, keeping Walker from sniffing her.

  I head over to the checkout line, watching as relief washes over the teenager’s face.

  “Who ya buyin’ a pumpkin for?” Arya asks, popping next to me in line. “Don’t think I forgot.”

  “My sister,” I say flatly.

  “Hmm…” She leans over, craning her head toward me. “I’m pretty sure that’s a lie.”

  Stepping forward, I place the pumpkin on the scale and wait for the teenager to tell me the total as I pull my wallet out of my pocket.

  “Eighteen seventy-three,” he says, his eyes glued to Arya.

  Poor guy probably doesn’t see much action with glasses that take up his whole face and metal braces on his teeth.

  She flashes him a smile as I hand him a twenty.

  “Keep the change,” I say, shaking my head at Arya as she teases the poor guy, tilting closer to him.

  I walk away, giving myself the chance to escape and hoping she forgets her line of questioning.

  “Hey,” she calls after me. She grabs my elbow, yanking me to a stop. Her eyes move from the pumpkin to my face, silently asking me yet again whom the stupid pumpkin is for.

  “It’s for Raegan, okay? Stop being a pest.” I tug out of her hold and stalk ahead of her.

  “You know I’m on your side, right?” she asks, walking in step with me. “You’re much better than Travis and Nathan combined.”

  I tense at both of their names. Neither one of them deserves Raegan, but I’m not sure I do either. But I can at least try…because maybe I can do this. Maybe I can give everything in my life an equal amount of attention.

  I sigh, running my free hand through my hair. “I know.”

  She skips ahead of me, her long brown hair bouncing down her back.

  I’m not sure why Arya is so hell-bent on helping me with Raegan. In fact, I never told her I wanted anything with Raegan. But Arya is a force all on her own. I guess I should be grateful, but in the back of my mind, I wish she would leave it be.

  “I totally forgot. I have to be at work in ten minutes.” Arya swipes the car keys out of Raegan’s hand.

  “What?” Raegan questions, gaping at her empty hand.

  Arya opens the driver’s door. “Yeah, I’ve gotta go.” She slides in the car and turns over the ignition. “I’m sorry, but Jax can give you a ride.” She winks at me when Raegan looks at me, confused. “I’ll be home later.”

  Arya backs out of the parking spot and drives away before any of us have a chance to argue with her.

  “Can we get glitter?” Sam asks, tugging on the hem of my shirt.

  I free her hand and grasp it in mine. “Let’s take Raegan home first.” I turn my focus to Raegan, who is biting her bottom lip, her body turned in the direction where Arya drove off, abandoning her. “Raegan?”

  She turns around. “Yeah?”

  “Ready to go?”

  “Do you want to get glitter with us?” Sam asks, throwing her arms up and wiggling her fingers. “Can I have the pumpkin?” she asks me, her attention switching between Raegan and me faster than I can keep up.

  I place it in her arms, making sure she doesn’t fall over from the extra weight.

  “Rae,” Sam coos, stepping closer to Raegan, “do you want glitter for your pumpkin?”

  Raegan’s eyebrows pinch together as she smiles at Sam. “Is that my pumpkin?”

  “Yeah, I picked it out.” She holds the pumpkin out in front of her, and Raegan takes it from her.

  Raegan wipes dirt off the side of it, her eyes moving from Sam to me. “Thank you.”

  I nod my head as Sam says, “You’re welcome.” Sam grabs her hand and leads her toward my truck.

  I swipe Stella off the ground, noting she isn’t wearing a leash, much like Walker, but at least Walker isn’t the size of a soccer ball. Walker trots next to me, nosing my free hand, and I tousle his fur, so he doesn’t feel left out.

  “Jax!” Sam yells over her shoulder. “Rae wants glitter on her pumpkin, too. She said she has some at home. Can we go there?”

  Raegan mouths, Sorry, over her shoulder.

  “Yeah,” I answer, catching up with them to unlock the truck.

  These two women own more of me than they could ever know.

  Raegan

  I shift on the driveway, keeping my butt from going completely numb, as I sit next to Sam, helping her decorate the pumpkin Jax just finished carving.

  It’s a good thing we don’t have a full driveway. We would have had to decorate the pumpkins in the itchy grass if my car was here.

  I roll my eyes, thinking about why there aren’t two cars here in the first place.

  Arya is such a rat. She left me on purpose. I know she didn’t have to work today because, earlier, she was talking about going to the mall to pick out a Halloween costume for the godforsaken party I agreed to go to. Sometimes, I want to strangle her.

  I look at the small pumpkin next to Jax, who’s sitting in the grass by the driveway. Sam painted the pumpkin pink and yellow. It sparkles in the sunlight since she rolled it around in the gold and silver glitter I found in Arya’s closet before the paint dried.

  Arya tried her hand at making her own unique shirts instead of having a shirt that any girl sitting next to her could buy. It was a disaster. The flower she painted turned into a giant blob, and you couldn’t make out any of the words she stenciled on the shirt.

  So, now, a shelf in her closet is blanketed with art supplies she’ll never use again.

  “Is it pretty?” Sam asks, indicating the pumpkin covered in dog stickers and hearts she drew on with a purple marker.

  “It’s beautiful.” I paint random circles on the pumpkin she picked out for me. “It looks so much better than it did after Jax carved it,” I say teasingly, causing him to smile as he watches me and Sam decorate our pumpkins.

  “It was scary before. Now, it’s happy.” She bounces her head from side to side as she continues to draw.

  “It’s smiling,” he defends. “How can he be scary?”

  “Pepper is a girl pumpkin,” Sam corrects.

  Jax picks up Stella and places her in his lap, petting her head. “You named the pumpkin?”

  “Yeah, she needs a name, silly.” She forces the cap back on the marker and throws it in the small plastic container with the rest of the markers. “How will she know I’m talking to her if she doesn’t have a name?”

  “What about this one?” Jax asks, pointing to the pink-and-yellow pumpkin next to him. “What’s this one’s name?”

  “You pick. It’s yours.” I stifle a laugh, imagining Jax walking in his house with such a girlie pumpkin.

  He playfully narrows his eyes at me, noticing me silently laughing. “Okay.” He stu
dies the pumpkin. “Pinky.”

  Sam nods. “Perfect.”

  I stick my paintbrush in the cup of water I brought outside and lean back on my hands.

  Jax eyes shine as he watches Sam examine Pepper. I bet he gives her anything she wants.

  Sam stands from the ground, glitter falling from her shirt to the driveway as she wipes her butt off. “I’m done.” She lets out a yawn, stretching her arms above her head.

  “We should get you home.” Jax places Stella in the driveway, keeping his hand on her leash, as Walker watches with jealousy, lying on the bed of Jax’s truck. “Do you need help cleaning up before we leave?” he asks, scratching the back of his head.

  I look around the driveway, noting the glitter, paint, and stickers strewed across the ground.

  “No, I got it. Don’t worry about it.” It won’t take me more than five minutes to clean up the mess. I have a feeling, if Sam helped, it would take three times as long.

  “Ready, Munchkin?” Jax asks Sam. He places the end of Stella’s leash under a giant rock by the front of the house, used to keep the mulch from washing away when it rains.

  “Wait.” I stand from the ground and run inside, picking up my camera from the kitchen counter. I slip back outside, holding the camera at my shoulder. “Let me take a picture.”

  Jax groans at the same time Sam shouts in excitement.

  “Take a picture of me and Pepper.” She lies on the driveway, propping her chin on both of her hands and smiling a toothy grin next to her pumpkin.

  I take several pictures, loving how happy she looks.

  Sam insists I take a picture of all three of the pumpkins by themselves, and after I’ve gotten a couple, I sneak a few candid pictures of her and Jax.

  He tickles her tummy, and she breaks out in a fit of giggles, squirming as he holds her against his legs. His smile is brighter than I’ve ever seen it. He picks her up off the ground and swings her in a circle until he places her back on her feet.

  I grin at their exchange, loving how much they seem to mean to each other. I don’t need to hear either of them say I love you, I can see it plain as day.

  Sam shakes her head, her legs wobbling until she finds her balance.

  He regards her like she’s the one who keeps him going every day, and Sam looks up to her brother with stars in her eyes.

  I didn’t know he had a sister, and I never would have guessed they would have this kind of bond. There’s such a vast age difference between them I would have thought he wouldn’t know what to do with her. But he seems to know exactly what to do to make her happy. Or maybe it’s just his presence that has her grinning from ear to ear.

  “Take one of all of us,” she demands.

  She runs to the back of Jax’s truck and tugs on Walker’s leash to get him to jump down. Then she hurries over to Jax and grabs his hand, pulling him to the ground by the pumpkins as Walker sits next to her. This girl has everyone wrapped around her little finger.

  I start to take a picture, but she stops me. “No, you, too.”

  “I, uh, I…” I stammer.

  She waves me over. “Come on, and bring your dog.”

  I look over at Jax, appraising his reaction to his sister’s request, but he doesn’t seem fazed, his shoulders relaxed and eyes smiling.

  I blow out a breath and oblige Sam, not wanting to upset a four-year-old because I won’t take a silly picture with her and her brother and our two dogs…and our pumpkins. This feels an awful lot like a family picture, something too intimate. But I push down my feelings, ignoring the anxiety clawing at my throat.

  I turn over the empty flowerpot by the front door and set a timer on my camera before placing it on the ceramic pot.

  I scoop Stella off the ground, pulling her leash from under the rock, and quickly sit next to Sam, squeezing in tight so that we all fit in the picture.

  After it flashes, Sam says, “Another.” She claps her hands together. “Let’s do a silly one.”

  I give her Stella, and I head back to my camera and reset the timer.

  “Should I hang you upside down by your feet?” Jax asks Sam, ready to stand.

  She gasps, “No!”

  He chuckles as he pulls her to his side, and Stella stretches out to lie on both of them. Walker licks Sam before he sniffs Stella’s face for the hundredth time, like he can’t get enough of her.

  I sit back on the ground next to Sam and say, “Get ready. Make a silly face.”

  I stick out my tongue, and Jax and I put bunny ears on Sam as the camera flashes.

  “Can I take some pictures?” Sam asks, looking at me with hopeful eyes.

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Jax interjects.

  Sam pouts. “Just one.”

  “It’s fine,” I tell her. “Just be careful.”

  She picks Stella up off her and Jax and places Stella on her feet. I snatch her leash, so she doesn’t have the chance to get away. Sam jumps up from the ground, grabbing my camera from the pot.

  “Together,” she says, waving her free hand at us.

  I wince, but he shifts closer to me, seeming not to want to argue with his sister.

  “Look at me now,” she says, examining the top of the camera. “Which button do I push?”

  “The big black circle on the top.”

  She smiles when her pointer finger lands on the button. “One, two, three,” she calls out before she snaps the picture.

  As soon as it flashes, I’m on my feet.

  He was too close, and all of this seems too real. My head is spinning so fast, I don’t know what to believe anymore.

  Who is Jax? Friend? Brother? Player? Something else entirely?

  Sam hands me my camera and jogs off to join Jax, who’s closing the bed of his truck.

  “Say bye to Raegan, so we can leave,” he tells her as he picks up Walker’s leash.

  She runs back over to me and wiggles her finger for me to crouch down next to her. As soon as I do, she throws her arms around my neck and squeezes me.

  I wrap my arms around her, holding her tight, as I smile. “Bye, Sam,” I say as she unravels herself from me.

  “Bye, Rae.” She leans down and pets the top of Stella’s head. “Bye, doggy.”

  Stella jumps around, loving all the attention.

  Sam picks up Pepper and runs with her down the driveway to the truck where Jax is waiting with the door open.

  He lifts her into the truck—Sam still holding Pepper—and settles her in her seat, and then he closes the door after Walker jumps in the front.

  She bangs on the window with her little fist, and Jax turns around, opening the door.

  “Don’t forget Pinky.”

  “I won’t, Munchkin.”

  He closes the door a second time and walks toward me.

  He stops, standing across from me with less than a foot between us. “Thanks for today.”

  His hand moves to the side of my face, and I involuntarily lean in to the warmth of his hand.

  “Sure,” I mumble.

  I bite my lip, and he immediately pulls it free.

  His thumb sweeps across my lip, and I fight to keep my breathing under control. He kisses me before I have time to stop him, but when his mouth hits mine, my whole body sags forward against him. His arms loop around me as his lips brush against mine.

  I hear a pounding sound as Jax’s mouth moves from mine. I notice Sam banging her hand on the window of the truck, and I smile at the little girl, who is seemingly begging for her brother and his friend to stop kissing.

  Jax’s mouth moves to my ear, and he whispers, “You look better in that than I do.” His arms disappear from around me, and he walks away, grabbing Pinky from the grass. He heads back to his truck, climbing inside before I can think of a word to say.

  I look down at what I’m wearing and groan.

  Arya tossed me a sweatshirt before we walked out the door this morning because she wouldn’t let me go back upstairs to grab my jacket. By the time I realiz
ed what sweatshirt I was wearing, we were already halfway to the pumpkin patch. I didn’t say anything though because I liked having a small piece of him with me, the smell of mint so close when he wasn’t anywhere nearby.

  But, somehow, I forgot I was wearing it.

  Stella whimpers at my feet, pulling on her leash to get as close as she can to the truck pulling out of the driveway.

  Sam yells, “Bye,” out the window that’s rolled down.

  When I get my vocal cords to work, they’re long gone.

  My camera beeps, alerting me that the battery is low, so I quickly flip through the pictures we took, but I stop on the last one—the one Sam took.

  It’s better than I assumed it’d be. It’s not blurry, and she managed to get Jax and me in the picture. When I study the picture further, my breath catches.

  Jax gaze isn’t fixed on the camera. His head is tilted toward me, his eyes trained on my face, looking at me like I’m everything he needs. His body is facing me, and the side of his mouth is tipped up.

  My chest tightens as I run my thumb over the screen.

  Travis never looked at me like that. I wasn’t his universe the way I believed he was mine, but that turned out to be a lie.

  With Jax, I can clearly see I’m more to him than I thought I would be.

  The screen goes black as the last of the battery is drained, and the last thing I see is Jax’s face lighting up as he watches me smiling brighter than I ever have.

  Jax

  I stare at my chemistry book, shifting in the uncomfortable wooden chair in the library at school. The words start to blur together, so I throw my pencil on the table and slouch in the chair, hanging my head back as I let out a loud exhale.

  I squeeze my eyes shut, resting them, as I scrub a hand down my face.

  Chemistry is kicking my ass. I’ve had to work three times harder at it than all my other classes. My teacher says, if you’re good at math, you’re usually good at chemistry, but I think she’s lying because I can pass any math class in my sleep, including advanced calculus. But I’m lucky to be making an A in chemistry.

  I sit back up in my chair and pick up my pencil, turning my focusing on the equation I can’t seem to grasp.