The Road Without You

by H. M. Sholander

  “Hey, Jax,” someone says across from me.

  My head shoots up in their direction, but it’s no one I recognize.

  The girl stands on the other side of the table and twirls her long brown hair around her finger, biting her lip. I don’t have the same urge to free it like I do with Raegan. In fact, I have to fight to keep myself from grimacing at the girl standing across from me, wearing a shirt that wouldn’t even fit Sam.

  “Can I help you?” I ask, needing to get back to my homework.

  She smiles, but it seems unauthentic. “I wanted to see if you’d want to hang out.” Her eyes widen at the last part of her statement, like she’s trying to be coy without coming out and saying that she wants me to do her.

  “Can’t.”

  I focus on my textbook, hoping she gets the hint, but she doesn’t. Out of the side of my eye, I see her stroll around the table, not stopping until her midsection is pressed against my arm.

  “Are you sure?”

  “Look—”

  “I’ve been looking everywhere for you.” Raegan’s voice rings through my ears, and I’ve never been more relieved yet utterly petrified to hear the sweet sound.

  My body tenses, back straightening, as the no-name girl drops her hand to my shoulder, like she’s claiming me.

  There’s no telling what Raegan thinks is happening with this girl, and I’m not entirely sure she’ll believe I was brushing her off.

  “Who are you?” the girl sneers.

  Raegan takes a seat in the chair across from me, placing her bag on the table. “I let Jax cheat off me.” She shrugs. “He’s not very bright. Don’t know how he made it to college without me.” Her eyes move to mine before she looks back at the girl. “You might want to take your hand off his shoulder.”

  “Why?” she retorts, inching closer to me.

  “He has a really bad skin rash”—she waves her hands over her body—“everywhere.”

  I mash my lips together to keep the smile off my face. She can tell every girl I know—excluding Sam—that I’m a walking STD, and I wouldn’t care.

  The girl drops her hand from my shoulder and backs away from me. I glance up at her, seeing her face contorted, as she walks around me and in the opposite direction.

  I turn back to Raegan with a raised brow. “What was that for?”

  She plays with the strap on her bag. “Didn’t want you to catch a disease.”

  I chuckle, grabbing the attention of the person at the table next to us. “Trust me, there wasn’t a chance of that happening. I don’t want anything to do with her.”

  She stares at me, like she’s trying to figure out if I meant what I said.

  I do mean it because there isn’t anyone I want besides her. I never thought I would be chasing after a girl. Women have always flocked to me without any effort on my part. Raegan is different, and that’s what I like most about her. She doesn’t put up with my shit.

  My phone vibrates in my pocket, and I pull it out, seeing a text from my dad.

  Dad: Can you get Sam from daycare?

  I note I have another hour before my next class. I blow out a breath, knowing I won’t have time to conquer my homework, but I will give up everything for my sister. So, I answer the only way I ever will.

  Me: I’m on the way.

  I shove it back in my pocket and close my textbook. “I’ve gotta go,” I tell Raegan as I stand from my chair, grabbing my textbook, notebook, and pencil.

  She looks up at me, her eyes disappointed. “Okay,” she whispers as she stands, throwing her bag over her shoulder.

  I walk around the table, trailing my hand down her arm and squeezing her hand.

  Her lips curve up, and I place a chaste kiss on the side of her head.

  “I made some changes to our paper. I sent it to you.”

  She nods as I drop her hand. “I’ll check it out.”

  “See ya, Red.” I walk away from her, everything in my body wanting to stay and exist in the same space as her. Each of my footsteps becomes heavier until I walk out of the library, out of sight from the girl enticing me back to her.

  I race home and jump in my truck, heading toward Sam as fast as I can so she doesn’t think someone forgot to pick her up.

  Sitting in the desk chair in my room, I type out a text on my phone.

  Me: Can I take you somewhere?

  I hit send and clutch the phone in my hand, anticipating her reply.

  I’ve been wanting to see Raegan for two days. But I’ve spent so much of my time between Sam and Raegan that I had a shitload of homework to catch up on, so I locked myself in my room, ignoring the desire to drive to Raegan’s and sweep her away.

  Graham comes waltzing in my room without knocking and collapses on my bed. Walker hops up next to him and half-sits in his lap.

  “Knock much?” I say, swiveling side to side in my chair.

  He waves me off. “Is that chick coming to the party tomorrow?” he asks, opening a candy bar and biting into half of the king-size bar.

  “What chick, Graham? I can’t keep up with your endless string of women.” I toss my phone on the desk, giving up on hearing my text message alert.

  “Not one of my women.” He shoves the rest of the candy bar in his mouth and talks around it. “The one who has you all monogamous now.”

  “I’m not dating her,” I retort. Though I might as well be.

  He’s right; I haven’t been with anyone else since that girl at the club right after I met Raegan. Graham thinks, if I’m not hooking up with some chick nightly, like him, something’s wrong.

  He crumples the empty wrapper, shoving it in his pocket. “She comin’ or not? If she is, tell her to bring her friend.” He wags his eyebrows. “She’s hot.”

  “You can’t hook up with Arya.”

  “Why not? You scared I’ll ruin your chances with the blonde?”

  I shake my head at him. “Dude, go away,” I say at the same time my phone goes off. I swipe it off the desk and glance at the text.

  Raegan: Yes.

  My lips tip up as I stare at the screen. One word, but it’s what I was hoping for.

  “You’re a goner,” Graham says.

  I look up at him at the same time a pillow connects with my face.

  “Tell her to bring her friend.”

  I toss the pillow on the floor and roll my eyes at him as he walks out the door, slamming it behind him. He’s a good guy, but he’s a pain in my ass sometimes.

  I type out a text and hit Reply.

  Me: I’ll be there in fifteen, Red.

  Raegan slides in the passenger seat and closes the door. As soon as she’s enclosed in the cabin of the truck, it fills with warm vanilla, and I hope the smell is ingrained in the cloth seat for days, so I can smell her, even when she’s gone.

  “What are we doing?” she asks, buckling her seat belt.

  “A fall tradition.”

  She stares at me, waiting for me to continue.

  “Corn maze.”

  She beams. “I haven’t been to a corn maze in years.”

  “It’s time we fix that,” I say, driving down the street.

  We ride in silence for a while, and I find it more comforting than I should.

  Raegan and I haven’t talked about what happened at the club or anything since then. It’s like we’ve been dancing around each other, letting whatever happens happen. In my opinion, that’s when people get hurt because you might not be on the same page. I have a feeling we’re on the same page but in different paragraphs, each of us trying to figure out exactly what we want.

  There’s a reason I’ve kept her at arm’s length, and it’s because I was afraid I would be so consumed by her, I would forget everything else around me. Turns out, I might be a better multitasker than I thought.

  I bite the inside of my cheek as I drum my thumb on the steering wheel. I can feel Raegan taking over my every thought. What if she pulls me under like a tidal wave? What if I end up ruining everything by succumbing
to my attraction to her?

  “Tell me about Sam,” she says, drawing my attention. “I had no idea you had a sister.” She twists her hands in her lap. “I don’t really know you at all,” she mutters.

  I let my eyes skate across her face. Her vibrant smile is replaced with lips pressed in a firm line, and her eyebrows are creased. Truth is, neither of us knows a whole lot about each other. We were thrown together, and I pushed her away as hard as I could until I couldn’t do it anymore, and my curiosity won out.

  So, maybe this is the perfect time to show each other more than we have been, and hopefully, it won’t send either of us running in the opposite direction.

  I stare back out at the road, keeping both hands on the steering wheel. “She’s my heart, and I wish I could be there for her all the time.” I tilt my chin down, keeping my eyes on the road, disappointed I can’t give Sam a rainbow each day she wakes up.

  “What about your parents? Aren’t they there for her?”

  “My parents don’t give her the attention she deserves. She seems to be an afterthought to them. They fight all the time, and they don’t care if she’s around to witness it.” I flick my eyes to her, and my heart beats in my chest. I’m nervous to tell her more but anxious for her to know everything.

  I think about how Dad told me Mom was bipolar. She’s hurting all of us by not taking care of herself. I’d like to think she would want help, to try to be better for her family. But maybe I just don’t understand what’s happening to her.

  “When I took Sam home the other day, she was so excited to show Mom and Dad her pumpkin. She talked to Pepper the whole way home, telling Pepper how excited she was to give her a tour of the house.” I chuckle. That girl has an active imagination.

  “I wonder what Pepper was thinking about the little girl who was talking a mile a minute.” Raegan grins, and I love the way her face lights up.

  “Pepper was probably thrilled she didn’t have ears,” I say, and we both laugh.

  I clear my throat. “When we walked in the house, Sam ran up to Mom in the kitchen and showed her Pepper. All my mom did was stare at the pumpkin, blinking her eyes. Mom started crying before she ran up the stairs.”

  It was the weirdest thing I’d ever seen. Sam stood in the living room, holding her pumpkin, her face slack, and I was scared she was about to burst into tears, too. I crouched down next her and kissed her on the forehead, my heart breaking for my sister.

  Raegan places her hand on my forearm, comforting me.

  “I stopped Dad as he walked out of the kitchen, telling him to look at Sam’s pumpkin. He smiled at her and said it was pretty before he stalked up the stairs after Mom.”

  I clench my jaw, remembering the way Sam’s bottom lip jutted out.

  “Sam proceeded to put Pepper in the middle of the floor and walked away from her, climbing the stairs to her room. I knew I had to cheer her up, so I did the only thing I could think of.”

  I flip on my blinker, making a left turn after the car coming from the other direction flies across the intersection.

  “I coaxed her out of her room with candy and watched a movie with her until she fell asleep on the couch.” My face relaxes as I recall how peaceful she looked when she was sound asleep in my arms.

  Raegan drops her hand to my thigh, keeping it there as her thumb move against my jeans. “I’m sorry. Sam is worth more than that. I know how much she loved Pepper and how proud she was of her decorating skills.”

  She removes her hand from my leg, and I fight the scowl wanting to cross my face.

  “I wish I could say I understand how you’re feeling, but I don’t.” She places her elbow on the center console, propping her chin on the palm of her hand. “My parents have always been happily married, so I can’t comprehend how a parent can treat their kid that way.”

  You and me both, and I’m the one living it.

  “But if you ever need to talk to someone about it, I’ll listen.”

  I angle my head toward her, my eyes moving from the road to her. I bite the inside of cheek. How did I find this girl? “Thanks.”

  She smiles, dropping her hand from her chin. “Give me your phone,” she says, holding out her hand.

  “What?” I shake my head.

  She wiggles her fingers. “Is Sam still up?”

  I glance at the clock on the dash. “No.”

  She scrunches her face, like she isn’t happy with my answer. “Well then, you’ll just have to tell her I asked how Pepper was doing.” She shifts in her seat, facing forward.

  I struggle to keep from veering off the road. I want to take her face in my hands and kiss her until neither one of us remember our names.

  She has no idea what she’s doing to me, how much she’s pulling at my heart.

  Sam doesn’t only have me anymore. She has Raegan, too.

  I drop my right hand from the steering wheel and intertwine it with Raegan’s.

  “What about Walker?” she questions, changing the subject. “How does a house of guys feel about him living there?”

  I chuckle, thinking of the day I told the guys that Walker was living with us. Graham, Trent, and Luke were sitting on the couch, gaming, when I walked in the door with Walker by my side.

  I said to them, “My dog is staying here.”

  They mumbled, “That’s fine,” in my direction before focusing on the television.

  When I moved out of my parents’ house, I left Walker there, knowing he’d be around for Sam. But after two weeks, I could tell he was losing weight from not being feed enough. Sam was too young to take care of him—she still is—and Mom and Dad paid less attention to him than they did Sam.

  Walker gets around fine in a house with four college guys. Graham, Trent, and Luke help out when I’m not around.

  “They love him, and I think they like the fact that he gives them a boost when a girl’s around.” I stop at a red light and smile at Raegan. “A few weeks ago, Graham told a girl he rescued Walker from the side of the road, skin and bones, and nursed him back to health.”

  “Oh my God, that’s terrible,” she gasps, shifting on her seat to face me instead of the windshield, her hand falling away from mine because of the action. “And you don’t care that they use him?”

  “As long as they aren’t hurting Walker, they can do whatever they want. The girls that the guys bring home fawn all over Walker. That dog gets more action than anyone in the house.”

  She laughs, throwing her head back, the pale skin on her neck illuminated from the moon.

  She catches her breath, her gaze flipping back to me, her lips pursed. “Where did you get Walker from?” She leans in closer, resting her elbows on the console between us and crossing them. “Please don’t tell me you got him from a breeder.” With curious eyes, she waits anxiously for me to answer her.

  “No, I didn’t. I got him from a shelter.” The light turns green, and I press on the gas.

  She exhales, her shoulders falling. “Thank goodness.”

  I turn into the grass field and follow the signs that are shaped like cows, directing me where to park. We pass a herd of cattle on the right, seeing just the outline of their bodies in the dark.

  I throw the truck in park and kill the ignition. I get out and meet Raegan around the back of the truck.

  Without thinking, I grab her hand in mine and haul her to the ticket booth, making sure neither one of us steps in a pile of cow shit.

  After I buy our tickets, we head toward the corn maze with a group of other people wanting to navigate the cornstalks in the dark of the night.

  “All right, here are the rules,” the burly guy standing by the entrance of the maze says with his hands looped through the top of his overalls. He’s got the thickest country accent I’ve heard in a long time. “No takin’ the corn, stick to the paths, no runnin’ through the stalks, and keep calm. If you get lost, just keep walkin’, and you’ll get out eventually.” He plays with the long wiry hair on his beard. “But, if you get scared
and start panickin’, just wave this red flag round, and we’ll come get ya.”

  Raegan buries her face in the side of my arm, and I’m about to ask her what’s wrong when I hear her faint laughter, which brings a smile to my face.

  The guy passes around the flags that are just shortened wire hangers with red pieces of fabric tied to the ends.

  “Questions?” He waits several seconds to make sure no one is going to ask him anything before he says, “Have fun.”

  I pull Raegan behind the last person as her body continues to vibrate against mine, but I don’t complain. I wouldn’t dream of it.

  When we’re past the guy, I ask, “What’s so funny, Red?”

  She lifts her head, wiping under her eyes. “His accent was too much.”

  “Not friends with many country folk, are ya?” I ask in the best accent I can manage.

  She lets out a laugh, holding my hand tighter. “That was terrible.”

  “Yeah, I know, but it made you laugh.”

  That’s all I ever want—for her to be happy. If there comes a time when I can’t do that, then I don’t deserve her. Because she’s worthy of so much more, but I feel it’s all I have to give.

  “Tell me about Stella.” I guide us to the left, away from everyone else who’s going right.

  “It’s a long story,” she says, moving closer to me, like she needs the comfort.

  “I’ve got the time.” For her, I do.

  “Well”—she sighs, running the fingers of her free hand across the cornstalks—“I wanted a dog, and Travis didn’t. He wanted a huge flat screen TV, and I said no because I thought it was ludicrous to have a seventy-inch TV.”

  “It’s a bit much,” I comment. And I think some guy out there just had a stroke from what I said.

  “We compromised. He got his stupid TV, and I got Stella.” She lets her hand fall away from the cornstalks, dropping it to her side. “He came with me to the Humane Society, but I could tell he wanted to be anywhere but there. I ignored his grumpy ass and went through and pet every single animal there. They were too cute not to,” she explains, shrugging her shoulders.

  And I get it; I do. I have a hard time staying away from animals as well. I’m just as much of a sucker as she is when it comes to four-legged fur balls.