6 Murder at the Art & Craft Fair

by Steve Demaree

  I hadn’t decided in which order to read the books I’d purchased a few days before, and Lou hadn’t either, so I called him back. He too had finished Tripwire by Lee Child. Both of us enjoyed the book, wanted to kill the bad guy early in the book, and liked Jack Reacher as a hero. Since neither of us had any book we were itching to read over any of the others, I opted for the simplest thing. I selected the book on top, David Baldacci’s Hour Game. Less than two minutes later both Lou and I were settled down, entertained by one of the best mystery-thriller authors today.

  Chapter Six

  Other than get a haircut on Friday to look my best for my Jennifer, I didn’t do much the rest of the week except read. When I returned home from getting a haircut, that woman, Heloise Humphert, my next-door neighbor, was standing in her yard with a rake in her hand, waiting for the first leaves of the year to fall. Her varmint, Twinkle Toes, was poised next to her, eager to do something to those leaves. Her Ugliness didn’t see me until the last minute, which caused her to panic and step on her rake, which conked her on the noggin. She stumbled back and fell down, but was soon given CPR by an eager French poodle. What made everything even more hilarious was that Heloise Humphert doesn’t even have any trees in her front yard. But then I’d never thought of her as the smartest apple in the fruit bowl. I made a mental note to tell my yard boy to rake my leaves into her yard so she would have something to do.

  +++

  I went to bed a little early on Friday night, knowing that I’d have a long day and night on Saturday, and I wasn’t sure if I’d get a nap between the day and evening activities. Before I went to bed, I set the alarm, something I detest, but felt I needed to do it. I wanted to be ready when Lou came to pick me up at 7:45. See, when it’s just the two of us, I drive my VW. But when Lou and I double date, he drives his red, 1957 Chevy, because it’s roomier. I like that, because I’d rather have two arms around my date, rather than one, and I don’t have a steering wheel in my way when we take Lou’s car. Of course Lou always slides over to Thelma Lou’s side of the car unless his first stop is the concession stand.

  +++

  Lou showed up promptly at 7:45. He was grinning as I stepped out the front door and headed to his Chevy. I was dressed much better than Jon Arbuckle when he goes on a date with the doc. No ugly plaid coats and bowties for me. No Garfield, either.

  I glanced next-door and was relieved not to see Her Ugliness. I assumed that she survived her fall okay, although she could have been able to stumble indoors and die. I sniffed to see if I could smell a decomposing body. I couldn’t tell. There’s always a stench coming from her house. Besides, she wouldn’t have decomposed that quickly.

  My thoughts turned to something much more pleasant, my Jennifer. I decided to play with Lou’s mind and opened the back door of his car instead of the front. I got in and sat down.

  “To the airport, and step on it.”

  “As you wish, Sir, but please tell me, how does one step on an airport?”

  “Impudence! See if I leave you a tip.”

  Lou made a motion like he was turning the meter on, and backed out of the driveway.

  “Oh, did you hear, Cy? Jennifer couldn’t make it. She sent her sister, instead. The one with the skull and crossbones tattoo on her neck.”

  “Splendid! Just the place to give someone a hickey.”

  “Your next-door neighbor didn’t slip out and give you a goodbye kiss before I arrived, did she?”

  “Why? Has my face broken out?”

  “No, just a couple of guys you put away for life, who said they’d get even.”

  I shared with Lou about my neighbor’s fiasco with the rake. He started to laugh and then caught himself. He remembered how God always seems to punish me anytime I enjoy myself at her expense and Lou didn’t want the same thing happen to him. I too stopped laughing, and shot up a brief prayer where I hoped my neighbor got better, and soon. I stopped myself before I thought that she couldn’t get any worse.

  “So, Cy, you have any strategy on how we can make our day more palatable?”

  “I do, but I don’t think Jennifer will go along with it. I guess I’ll just have to be patient and thank the Lord for the nighttime.”

  Lou started singing the Neil Diamond song and I was sorry for my choice of words. I hope his off-key imitation didn’t lead to a rendition of Diamond’s greatest hits. Thankfully, he stopped after one verse, probably because he didn’t know all the words.

  “Just don’t misbehave too much today. I don’t want to share the front seat with you at the drive-in.”

  After a little more nonsense, we arrived at Thelma Lou’s place and dismounted quickly. I wasn’t in any hurry to take in the art and craft fair, but I was eager to feast my eyes upon My Jennifer. My lips, too.

  We stepped into the house and I gulped. No, Jennifer hadn’t opted for a Mohawk haircut, or changed her hair color to something that resembled sunburned cotton candy. But the dining room table was covered with a spread so prolific that I knew that I’d have to Wii twenty-four hours on Monday just to get back to what I weighed on Friday. At least there was some fresh fruit to go with the sausage gravy and biscuits, bacon, sausage, eggs, and hash browns. Maybe Jennifer and I could take our time feeding each other fruit and nibbling on each other’s fingers.

  Her Loveliness sashayed over to me and put her arms around me. We gave each other passionate lip massages until I heard a gagging sound from my male friend. We parted long enough for Jennifer to stick out her tongue at him, and then we kissed again. We received a few comments from the peanut gallery before sitting down to eat.

  We ate at a leisurely pace more recognizable in a lady. This allowed us time to talk about our weekend. Somehow I kept from choking on my food when the girls said something about staying at the art and craft fair however long it takes. I figured I could do the whole gamut in ten to fifteen minutes. After all, there were only somewhere around ninety booths. It wasn’t like we were going to be tested on this on Monday. I wasn’t going to take notes, and I didn’t plan to drop my entire life savings in one day. A quick glance would be enough to let me know if I was interested in anything some guy had to sell. I didn’t expect to buy much, but there might be a bargain somewhere.

  The girls wouldn’t talk about anything except the art and craft fair. I wanted to change the subject, so I interrupted the dragging conversation.

  “Does anyone know what’s showing at the drive-in?”

  “Does anyone care?” Jennifer cooed, before turning to me to give me a quick taste of whatever food lingered on her lips. Actually, there was no food on hers, but a smattering of this and that on mine.

  Lou turned to Thelma Lou.

  “Were we ever that bad?”

  “You were once. Want to try for it again?”

  Lou grinned, then did the best he could to imitate what Jennifer and I had done earlier. I must say it was a poor imitation, but then Lou is only a lowly sergeant who falls behind me in most endeavors.

  About a quarter to nine Jennifer looked at her watch and Thelma Lou did the same. I think that was our cue that if we didn’t hurry we wouldn’t be the first to arrive. Lou and I did our best to help. We stayed out of the way while the women loaded the dishwasher. It wasn’t that we didn’t know how, but that they were used to doing it. Loading the dishwasher was something I’d learned to do when I started eating more at home. It wasn’t that hard. After all, I’d been loading my washer and dryer for years. I didn’t want someone else to see my underwear.

  Chapter Seven

  I had no idea what to expect, since I’d always managed to avoid the Hilldale Art & Craft Fair. Lou drove toward the park downtown, and I soon learned that there were a lot of misguided people in Hilldale. At least there were that day. We offered to drop the women off across the street from the park, but they insisted on walking with us. I wasn’t sure if that had more to do with how much they enjoyed our company or how afraid they were that we would take our sweet time finding a place to park an
d strolling back to the park. Lou found a place a couple of blocks away, and he and I got out and walked around the car to open the doors for the girls. I didn’t figure it was going to be the worst day of my life, and at that time I didn’t realize that it was going to be a much better day than any of the next few days would be.

  Hilldale City Park sets almost in the middle of downtown, and is bordered on one side by the courthouse. The opposite side of the park faces some of the downtown businesses. Large homes, almost a century old, line the other two sides of the park. The park is large enough and the trees are plentiful enough that you can’t see all the way across the park. A slight incline from right to left inhibits one’s view, too. Thelma Lou had been to the art and craft fair a few times, so she showed us the best place to enter the park, so that we could visit each of the booths in order. I wondered what would happen if we went out of order. I didn’t want to find out. At the Main Street entrance on the right side of the park, or as we were to know it that weekend, the place in the park closest to Booth 1, a couple of people were handing out booklets that had a map of the event and the names of the vendors and what each one sold. Hilldale merchants bought advertising in the booklet, in hope that each of us who attended would remember our merchants in case we had any money left after we left the park. I planned to have money left, although I did plan to buy Jennifer a small trinket to commemorate the event. At least I hoped that some of the trinkets were small, or at least had a small price tag. I didn’t mind paying a couple of dollars more than I could buy something similar at Wal-Mart, because I figured that those vendors who made their stuff were somewhat more adept than those children in China who made most of the goods I purchased at Wal-Mart, on those rare occasions I did buy something from the state of Arkansas’s best known retailer.

  I was pleased that Thelma Lou, our ringleader, and Jennifer, her partner in deception, walked briskly as we entered the park. I soon learned they had used all of their energy by the time we arrived at Booth 1. Lou and I slowed our pace to resemble that of an octogenarian with arthritis using a walker with one flat wheel. Still, Thelma Lou said, “Where are you two off to so fast?”

  When I said, “The next booth. Nothing in this one interests us,” I soon learned we had a split decision. Their look told me. I quickly recovered.

  “Oh, I didn’t realize that you like soy candles.”

  I had no idea what soy candles were, but I knew that weird people like soy, and sometimes ate it. I hoped Jennifer and Thelma Lou hadn’t developed a taste for candles. I soon learned, as Jennifer replied.

  “I’m not sure that we do, but it would be rude not to look.”

  I thought it would be rude to block those people who wanted to buy soy candles, just in case there were any in Hilldale, but I refrained from voicing my opinion. Besides, my two-second scan of the booth was enough that I felt I could pass the quiz on Monday. I wasn’t about to ask if soy candles were superior to normal ones. I was afraid of a dissertation. If we received a dissertation at every booth we wouldn’t make it to the drive-in on time to get a spot on the back row. I thought about volunteering to stop by my place and pick up Lightning and go on to the drive-in to save our back row spot, but I liked my teeth the way they were. Besides, there’s nothing worse than spending time at the drive-in with a woman who’s upset with you, unless it’s spending time at the drive-in with a woman who’s upset with you and the pouring rain is keeping you from visiting the concession stand or watching the movie. I wasn’t about to glance over to see what was being sold at Booth 2, either. I would have an hour or so to do that after while. After three minutes on my slow-moving watch, or what seemed like a couple of hours, Jennifer and Thelma Lou asked us if we were ready to move on to the second booth. I thought of answering, “Not quite,” but again remembered how well I liked my present dental work.

  It took Jennifer and Thelma Lou only two booths to notice that men and women are wired differently. Actually, I think they already knew this, but they were about to make us an offer we wouldn’t refuse. Actually, the idea was mine, but they readily agreed.

  “Say, girls, Lou and I were thinking about buying you a little something. What say that Lou and I walk on ahead and see if we see anything you might like? According to this map, there are fifteen booths that face each other on each row, and there are benches to sit down at both ends of each row. The two of us can check out each row, see if we see anything you might like, and then wait for you on one of the benches. When you catch up to us, you can tell us about anything you saw that you might like and after we get through with all ninety booths on the three rows we can go back and buy you something nice.”

  The two looked at each other, read each other’s facial expression, and then turned to us and said, “Okay.” They also told us to look for something we might like. Lou and I each hugged our girl in a manner appropriate for public display and moved on. While I didn’t plan to linger longer than necessary at any booth, I wanted to look at each one long enough that I could pass a quiz when the girls caught up with us sometime the next day. I relayed my thoughts to Lou, who concurred.

  Booth 3 sold doll clothes, and after a quick conference, Lou and I deduced that both of the girls were too big for doll clothes. However, a look at Booth 4 made me stop and think.

  “Lou, have you ever noticed if Jennifer wears jewelry?”

  “Cy, Jennifer is your girl. Thelma Lou is mine.”

  “Well, does Thelma Lou wear jewelry?”

  “Maybe we should go back to Jennifer.”

  “So, what you’re saying is you don’t know about Thelma Lou, either. I guess we’d better look in this booth, just in case.”

  A sign hanging in each booth let everyone know who the vendor was, what they sold, and where they were from. Of course I was smart enough to know that this particular booth sold jewelry. Lou and I made small talk with the two women there, and found out the vendors were mother and daughter, Bonnie Crouch and Lisa Kingsley, and the sign said they were from Lexington, Kentucky. I’m not that knowledgeable about jewelry, but their stuff looked good to me. And from the way all the women hovered over it and many of them purchased something, most women must like it, too. Lou and I stood back, waited for a parting of the women, and then took a look. The two women could tell that neither Lou nor I could tell a bracelet from a necklace, so they told us a little about their jewelry. It was made from clay. Kind of like me. Baked in an oven. Kind of like me. Only most people would refer to me, or my ideas, as half-baked. I told the two women what we were doing, and then made a notation on the booklet I was given, and moved on.

  The next booth was easy. Candy. Everyone likes candy. And the guy was willing to let me try it for free. Not a whole box, but a piece or two. His name was Michael Jackson. He looked nothing like the other one. This Mike Jackson was from Preston, Kentucky, wherever that is, and I was glad I sampled his candy. Mike Jackson made the best cream candy I’d ever tasted. And his wife, Kelsie, was quick to let me know that he made it, not her. They had four flavors. I didn’t have to wait for Jennifer to make a decision on the candy. I bought two boxes and planned to share my candy with others. After all, there’s only so much Wiiing a man can do in one day. I didn’t want to go through a new Wii board each month.

  Even though it was still warm outside, it wasn’t hard to tell it was October. So many vendors had items for sale that had to do with Halloween or a fall theme. Many of them were made out of wood. And orange and black were the prominent colors. Many items were pumpkins, witches, ghosts, and other things you could impale into your yard, but I’d never been one to decorate for Halloween. I thought about buying a few things and sticking them in my next-door neighbor’s yard, because she always looks like Halloween and she could use them year around. I looked at one of the witches and was sure my neighbor posed while the artist painted it. I saw a coffin, thought about buying it, then felt God looking over my shoulder.

  Lou and I had almost completed our jaunt past the first fifteen booths when I n
oticed the man working in the last booth looking at us. The sign said John King, Lexington, Kentucky, Sand Art. I wondered if he knew the mother-daughter team we’d encountered earlier. Both were vendors and from Lexington. They probably did several shows together. I couldn’t picture someone doing one show a year and then retiring. If so, I needed to find out if there was anything I could do.

  I didn’t know much about sand art. It came along much after Lou and I did. At least, I don’t remember ever having the opportunity to do something like that as a kid. Two kids had just completed their projects and turned to their mothers with looks of satisfaction on their faces. Both the boy and the girl thought their sand art was the best sand art anyone had ever done. I think Lou and I must have lingered too long, because the man in the booth spoke to us.

  “You ever done any sand art?”

  We admitted that we had not.

  “Well, I’m trying to get more adults interested in seeing how much fun sand art can be, and I’m willing to let the two of you create your own masterpiece. You don’t have to pay me a thing.”

  “What’s the catch?”

  “Most of our customers are kids. Maybe if some adults see you trying it, they might try, too. It might help my business.”

  I turned to Lou, and the look on his face said, “Why not?” It would give us the chance to mark something off our bucket list that was never actually on that list. I turned around to see if the girls had caught up with us and saw them ogling over something a couple of states back. It looked like they wouldn’t catch up to us before many moons passed.