"Oh, bye then." She shouts dryly behind me. I run back to her and hug her quickly. "I’m sorry, I’ll call you."
I get to Tyler’s front door and take a deep breath. After counting to ten I finally pluck up the courage to knock.
Tyler answers after what seems hours. As soon as he sees me he puts his attitude feisty face on.
"Don't give me that face Tyler James, why have you been ignoring my calls? And why didn’t you want me to know you were home?"
He tilts his head back to laugh. "Ha, don't act like you care Olivia," He tries to brush me off but I stand my ground.
"Stop acting like an asshole Ty, you know full well I care."
"You got a funny way of showing it." He barks at me. Slamming the door in my face almost knocking me backwards.
Wow! Okay. I was not expecting that. Slamming the door in my face? Why am I even bothering?
I go to walk off but then decide, actually, I’m not running this time. If I have to stay outside all night to get him to talk to me I damn will.
I bang on the door several times over, calling him to answer but he ignores me.
I give up after a few goes. His neighbors even come out of their own homes giving me daggers like I’m a crazed women. Some even looking through their curtains at me. The cheek.
I turn away and park my backside on his doorstep. Jeez, he's so stubborn.
No wonder we get on so well.
He's not going to let me in. Doesn’t he know how cold it is out here?
Putting my head in my hands I calm myself down and decide to take a different approach. I know he's listening to me, he’s too nosy not too. I stand and rest my forehead against the door.
"Tyler, please let me in. If you don't like what I have to say I’ll leave, but at least hear me out." I call loud enough for him to hear me clearly, but low enough so his neighbors can't.
Then I hear motion from behind the door and he finally opens up.
I pretend to wave a white flag in front of him, pocking out my bottom lip, but his feisty expression remains.
"You better come in seeing as my neighbors will notice how dreadful my ‘supposed’ best friend looks."
Oh, not him as well. I pretend to act appalled by that comment, but he doesn’t find it funny.
“What? You do look awful,” he shrugs non apologetic.
I nod thanking him dryly and wait for him to close the door before I sit down. Nana Joyce must be out.
"Come on then, let’s hear it." Tyler crosses his arms waiting. I don't sit.
"Tyler, I’m so sorry with the way I acted towards you. I said some hurtful things, I was way out of line."
"Damn right you was." He bitches flicking his overgrown quiff out of his face and looks everywhere but me. I glance down at his impatient tapping foot, and continue.
"I shouldn’t have blamed you for any of that and you’re the last person I wanted to loose from my life. I hate every second of this, it’s like I’ve lost my right arm without you."
Finally he starts to soften. He grudgingly sighs walking towards me holding his hand out indicating for me to sit with him.
"Listen, Olivia, it’s my fault too. I shouldn't have gone crazy like I did. You needed me to comfort you and I acted like a first class ass going on about how much of an asshole Calvin was, and forgetting that what you needed was support. I’m so sorry for what Calvin has done to you. I’m sorry for not returning your calls. I’ve missed you so much. But your words stabbed me Missy. Then when it hit me that actually, I was going to New York by myself, I was so angry. I thought it would have been the best new start for you to get away from everything." He holds my hand in his lap all the while but I shake my head disagreeing.
"It would have been too much for me Ty. In my head, I still needed to sort things out. I would have been carrying all that baggage with me to New York in my mind. To me, it wouldn’t have been starting new if I went with you because I wasn’t in the right mind frame too. If I went with you, there was no way I would have gave any project I took on my all, because I can't give anything my all right now. I don't even feel human Tyler, how could I have possibly gone to start a new life somewhere like this? I’m not me and don’t think I ever will be. I can’t cope with these feelings. I just wish they would go away and let me be. I can’t focus on anything else. I fall to sleep crying, wake up crying, it’s such a vicious cycle,"
I look up at Tyler who has gone quiet, he has tears in his eyes.
I recoil a little surprised. "What’s wrong?"
He takes a deep composed breath before answering me. "I just hate what he’s done to you Olivia. You were so happy. He made you see more sense than anyone has, you hated the thought of working for your step dad. Calvin made you realize that Mauricio is one big control freak when no one else could get through to you, and now, now your back to square one. I can see it in your eyes how much pain you’re going through, and I’m so sorry I haven’t been here for you. I feel terrible. You’ve been going through this heartache by yourself. Suffering in silence."
I’m about to speak but my voice cracks up. I break down in sobs, falling tightly into Tyler’s arms, letting everything go. I need Tyler. I didn’t realize how much until now. He's my rock, my best friend and my support network. I’ve missed him so much.
After I ruin Tyler’s t-shirt with my tears, I stay in his arms for a while just needing to be held.
"I’m sorry again." I sniff, finally releasing him.
"Hey, stop saying you’re sorry honey. If you can’t be mad at your best friend who can you be mad at?" He leans over to the side table and presents me with a tissue.
"How is New York?" I ask wiping my nose in the tissue. I haven’t even asked him about it. Some friend.
"God, it’s amazing, you would love it. The place I’m staying at is to die for. It’s a pent house suite in Manhattan with big glass windows and I have a car to take me to work every day." He smiles hugely trying to get me to be optimistic.
"Really?" I raise my eyebrow. I know when he's lying.
He sighs adjusting his glasses. The ones he wears on a Sunday only. "No not really. I live in a small damp studio underground, which has bars on the fucking windows like a jail cell. It’s so small I’ve gained claustrophobia. I have to leave about two hours earlier in the morning for work. The cab costs me more than I’m paying for my place, it's so dark and dingy. But, I love my job Olivia. I’m learning so much. I’ve got into an amazing interior design company. They were majorly impressed with my stuff, I got the job as a first assistant. So yeah I love my job but hate where I live."
"Jesus, Tyler. I feel real bad, let me speak to my mom. They will let you have the apartment they bought for me."
Tyler shakes his head not having any of it. "No, I don’t want to live off someone now I have my own. I want to work for what I have. I know where I live is not nice, but I will work my way up and one day, I will live in that pent house suit I’ve dreamed of and I can say to myself; yeah, I have done all this by myself and I did damn good."
I beam proudly. And he will. He’s so driven and talented.
"Anyway, may I just say, you look awful honey. You need me to doll you up. You need to get back out there and show them guys what they’ve been missing."
I groan pulling my knees up to my chest.
Men have not been missing out on much.
That's Tyler’s answer to everything though and the very last thing on my to-do list right now is to go out getting drunk and reckless.
"That's the last thing I feel like doing." I mumble.
"Exactly." He points out.
"No Ty, honestly. I really can't face people, not yet."
"Missy, you have held yourself hostage at home for what, months? Don't think Sophia hasn't kept me informed. You can't stay indoors forever."
I groan at his persistence. "But it's where I want to be. I don't want to venture out. I don’t feel like doing anything. It’s bad enough getting myself dressed to go to work every day."
"You will turn into an old spinster."
"That’s fine. I’d rather that, I think it's easier that way."
Tyler looks towards me, his face deadpan until his eyes briefly flick down towards my private parts like he can see through my sweat pants. What now?
“Olivia, I won’t allow you to gain cobwebs in your pants. I bet you’ve let yourself grow free haven’t you?”
Grow free? Oh Tyler!
I don’t laugh at that. I have no energy.
Tyler sighs and looks at me softly. "He really hurt you didn’t he."
I nod inhaling, trying to steady my breaking voice. Every time someone mentions Calvin or anything to do with it I break down.
"So much Tyler, it's like I’ve lost my best friend and my soul mate all in one. I’m at a complete loss. I can't function properly. I loved him, I really did and all the things we ever did together keep playing out in my mind. I don’t understand his motives not one bit, that’s what hurts the most."
I find myself willingly telling Tyler exactly how I feel. I haven’t really wanted to do this, to talk to anyone about it, but he's my best friend, I want to tell him. I need to get it off my chest. I can't keep it all in my head it's driving me crazy.
Tyler continues to smooth my hand with his thumb while he listens patiently.
"It drives me insane not being able to speak to him anymore ya know, going from speaking to him every day, seeing him every day to nothing, gone, just like that. How do I adjust to that? Having nothing left of him except his stupid jacket, a necklace and memories. I love but wish at the same time they would disappear."
I wipe the tears that have rolled down my face away before continuing, "Not knowing what he's doing with his day, not knowing if he's thinking about me at all, like I think about him, every second of every fucking day. I don’t even know where he is. Did he hate me that much that he had to leave his home because of it?"
I get mad at myself, it’s so frustrating. Tyler pulls my shoulders so I can face him, wiping my tears from my cheeks with his fingers.
"I hate seeing you like this. What he's done to you is wrong and unexplainable. But you said he moves around right? Maybe that’s what it was, he had his fill of Chicago and moved on."
"So did he have his fill of me as well?"
"You need to stop thinking about it honey, you’re going to make yourself ill, and you’ve lost weight,” he scolds. I wrap my arms around myself feeling ashamed.
“I’m so sorry for leaving you like this. If I’d only known.” He closes his eyes briefly feeling guilty.
"It’s not your fault Ty, I was a complete bitch, but your here now, and it’s your birthday on the weekend. Don’t look so shocked, of course I didn’t forget. Are you still going to be here?"
"Yeah, but I’m hoping to drive back next week, so please let me take you out. Wednesday night we’re going to this Casino for Jamie’s birthday. We thought, why not celebrate mine on the same day. We have to make the most of it."
I raise my eyebrow at Tyler the groan. "A casino night? Ty, are you purposely trying to kill me?"
"Look, I know everything will be reminding you of Calvin right now, but you need a little life inside of you, and this one is meant to be great. It’s a new casino opening. If it's too much then we’ll go straight home I promise, and I never brake my promise." He raises a cynical eyebrow at me, referring to the promise thing. I look at his pleading deep blue eyes and baby face, exhausted.
"You’re not giving me a choice are you?"
"Damn right I’m not."
Chapter Three*
"You look too pale, and put on some weight. I don’t like it." Mayra shoots the comments my way. The same comments she’s made for weeks, as she bites into a waffle dripping in honey. My mom also glances my way as she sees me coming into the kitchen with her scrutinizing glare.
"There’s some breakfast laid out, sit down and eat with us." She pushes on dryly.
"Didn't get much sleep and I’m not that hungry." I shrug sliding onto the bar stool still dressed in night clothes, pouring myself some orange juice. I’m currently never hungry, neither do I get sleep, so why do they keep expecting something new from me every morning? I did however, feel so much better in myself for talking to Tyler yesterday, at least something in my life is at peace for the moment.
"You never sleep good Olivia, when is this going to end?"
My mom sighs, looking all radiant and herself in a white blouse and black pencil skirt. She and Mauricio got back from Brooklyn last night and they’re going away again tonight for a small break. They seem to be getting along a little better of late.
"Well, I’m sorry I haven’t made any positive progress lately mom. Jesus, give me a break."
"You have to get on with your life." My mom scolds, getting angry at me with Mayra backing her up this time.
"Your mom’s right, you can’t go on like this. You have a bite of toast and an apple a day and you think that's Okay? You’ll end up in the hospital my girl."
Why don’t they get off my back?
I roll my eyes and groan loudly trying to get them to take the hint. "Just leave it the both of you."
Mayra looks down at her hands after my outburst but my mom’s narrowed stare is fixated on mine. I know I shouldn't take it out on them but I’m in no mood for people fussing over me or telling me what I should or shouldn't do for that matter. That's all I’ve heard, unwanted advice. I’m sick of it.
I make my way upstairs to get ready for work.
After my shower I pull on a light pink silk blouse, black slacks and pumped heels.
I hate dressing this way.
When I’m almost ready to leave Mayra comes into my room.
"Now Olivia, my beautiful girl, I’m sorry to keep prying but, we’re so worried about you, it's been months since ... Well you know. And I don’t think I’ve gotten a sentence out of you since. Will you just listen to us and take our advice? Maybe you could go see someone like your mom suggests."
I ignore the ridiculous suggestion and don’t bother to turn to acknowledge her. Instead, I close my eyes exasperated facing up to the ceiling. I don't want to speak about this again. I don't want to go through the agony from reliving it. And as for my mom to even suggest such a thing as going to speak to some stranger about my life? No thank you.
I’m about to brush Mayra off when Sophia comes into my room dressed for work in a black shift dress a red tweed jacket and killer heals.
Why don't they both leave me be?
"I don’t mean to be nosy but Mayra’s right, you should go and see someone. It’s like you’re a ghost trapped in a living person’s body."
I know they both mean well, standing in front of me with the most sympathetic eyes, but I can't deal with it. I don’t want to keep explaining that I don’t want to god damn talk about it.
"I don’t know why everyone is ignoring my pleas to be left alone. I’ll be fine. I’m going to work."
But they don’t let me leave.
"Olivia, I’m your sister, why won’t you speak to me? Please let me help you."
I rub my forehead with my hands. I really don't need this.
"Stop Sophia, please, stop. Just let me get to work." I ask nicely but she doesn’t give in. Mayra remains silent letting Sophia do the talking and Sophia being Sophia begins to get angry again. Verbal outbursts are how she deals with things. Not me.
"I told you from the start I didn't trust that man and now look what he's gone and done. He’s left you, just like I said he would. Who the fuck does he think he is doing this to my sister?"
Mayra nods in agreement and opens her mouth to have her say, but I stop them both throwing my hands up in the air irately. I’ve had enough of this. They go on at me every damn day.
"Shut up, just shut up the pair of you,” I scream at them allowing all my anger to seep out. The anger that's been building up inside of me for months. “What good is repeatedly cursing Calvin going to do for me now? Tell me how everyon
e going on to me about how wrong Calvin was for me going to help me? You want me to talk to you? You want me to tell you what's going on inside my head?" I continue yelling as my eyes begin to wallow in tears. "He broke my fucking heart Okay. I fell in love with a man who didn't fall in love with me. I let my guards down for him, let him into my life when I have never done so before. I loved him more than I’ve ever loved anybody and all I was to him was a bit of fun. You know how hard and humiliating that is for me? Do you have any idea how it feels to stand there pouring your heart out to a man, begging him not to leave you, giving up your pride, everything you believed in, for him to just go and leave anyway?" Sophia listens on as her features harden but Mayra’s filling up hearing me speak this way.
"Is this what you wanted to hear? You want to know how much it's tearing me apart inside every single day. How much he's broke me? Yes, me Sophia, he's broke me and you all think that I like living like this? That I can just snap out of it. I’m sorry, I can't." Tears start coming down my face even harder. My throat begins to tighten and it shows when I speak.
"You want to give me your advice? Then go ahead and tell me how I’m ever going to feel myself again? Because I don't know the answer to that one. I put my heart and soul into a man I thought loved me, only to realize he was using me. He left me heartbroken and numb. Now, tell me how I’m ever going to get over that? So there you go. Is that enough information for you guys?"
I wipe my tears away quickly and add whispering. "Maybe you will all leave me alone now."
Mayra stands there upset but holds herself together. Sophia begins to walk towards me.
Now she feels my pain?
"Liv’s, I’m so sorry it's just...”
"No it isn’t just anything Soph. I don’t talk about it because it’s too hard for me. I loved him and he left me. He tossed me to the side like I was worthless when I bared myself to him. So please, for me, stop telling me how I’m meant to feel."
I brush past the both of them, leaving them emotionally speechless.
Wiping away my own tears, I make my way to work.
***
Confessions and Olivia (Olivia #2) Page 2