When we returned home from Scotland, it was time to tell everyone in my office as I planned to take the following year off once the twins were born. Everyone was thrilled, but I could see a few faces trying to puzzle out just how much work that would pile on them.
The next scan was due at the end of August at the same Phyathai Nawamin hospital, which was near Grace’s apartment. I still wanted to have all the scans and health checks at the main TNH hospital. There had been some talk that they were no longer accepting women with agency babies, but at least we could go for a scan there. While Grace was in for the scan, they took blood to check for various diseases, and – combined with the information from the scan – to look at the health of the babies. Grace even did some short videos of the twins, and I could see them waving their arms and legs.
After the scan, Grace told me that she had travelled to Nonthaburi to be with her dad, as Ava, her friend’s daughter, was very sick. She told me that Ava had rubella, and immediately my heart sank. I was petrified for her health and the health of the twins. I realised that she had been in very close contact with Ava, and it wasn’t until the end of the conversation that Grace told me she had been immunised after the birth of her first child, Mia. Although relieved that she had been immunised and had moved away from Ava, I was worried in case the immunisation was no longer working. I asked for the doctor to check that Grace still had antibodies in her blood, to confirm that the immunisation was still viable. I was paralysed with fear as I awaited the results because, as she was only a few months pregnant, I understood the implications for the health of both Grace and of the twins if she got the disease. I was curious and concerned that immunisation hadn’t taken place across the whole of the population in Thailand. It was another scary incident detailing the healthcare system in the country where the babies would be born. When the doctor confirmed that the immunisation was viable and she had not been infected, I was relieved, but exhausted by the twenty-four hours of panic I endured while waiting for the results. All sorts of thoughts had been going through my mind, and I felt so far away and wondered how I would cope if I was in London nearer the twins’ due date. I might have to get used to the idea of arriving in Thailand a few weeks earlier. I was so glad everyone was healthy, and although uncomfortable, Ava recovered and suffered no lasting ill effects.
During one conversation, Grace confirmed that the clinic had agreed to pay 400,000 baht for her to carry the twins, and also told me how they were breaking up the payments and what was due when. I was relieved to find out as I was a little worried that if the clinic didn’t reopen soon, her payments would stop. During our chat, I was doing sums in my head and realised I could just about afford to top up the payments if I had to, should the clinic fail to pay her. So, once again, I told her not to worry about money and just concentrate on her health and that of the babies. She also told me that she was a little superstitious and asked me not to buy too many things for the twins before they were born – the same really as in Western culture. This conversation came about when we were Skyping with Lily in the supermarket, and Lily showed Grace the matching pyjamas she wanted for the twins and a toy for their bath that we were buying. I was buying these things earlier than normal to help Lily adjust since we weren’t close to Grace and the babies in her tummy. It was the best way I could think of to help Lily ask questions and prepare for the twins.
I was due to leave London soon to travel back to Thailand, so I was purchasing things that we wanted from the UK to start building a large collection of essentials in the apartment where we would be staying. We were planning a scan at the local hospital for me to see the babies on the afternoon I arrived, and I was even more excited to see them as Grace’s body changed from week to week. I knew that we would find out the sex of the babies on the scan, and afterwards we would take a few pictures with my friend, Lucas, and his girlfriend, Anna, to document that day. The sex of the babies wasn’t important to me at the time of conception, as I had already decided not to do the sex-selection screening. I suppose it was my small way of leaving something to nature, but now I was really intrigued to know what the sexes would be. I imagined scenarios of whether there would be two boys or two girls and wondered if they would be identical or not. If they were going to be a boy and a girl, I imagined that would be wonderful as they could look after each other and, for the most part, not have too much competition with each other later in life. So, finding out as soon as we could was exciting. I knew that not finding out wasn’t an option. There would be so many scans that I would find out eventually. I wanted to know, and I wanted to use that knowledge to plan as best I could for their arrival.
Chapter 14
Growing Bumps for Boys and Girls
When I arrived in Thailand, I was tired after the flight but eager to see Grace at the hotel. When she walked in, I was so completely overawed to see her and her bump that I found it even harder to imagine my two babies in there. I suppose leaving straight away for the hospital across the road was a perfect idea, as I could wait no longer. I was anxious to hear the babies’ heartbeats again and learn whether they would be healthy, but so honoured to be present to see them moving around on the screen. The doctor completed a full anomaly scan, which I wasn’t expecting, and in the fifteenth week it was so great to hear they were both the correct size and growing normally. The scan was really in-depth, which slightly calmed my nerves. When it got to the nether regions of Baby A, I was eager to see if the baby would be a boy or a girl. ‘A boy,’ said the doctor – and it was clear from the picture for all to see. Looking at Baby B, we could also clearly see that this baby was a girl. Once again, my eyes filled with tears, as I now knew we were having a boy and a girl. I was ecstatic at the news and seeing the babies was almost too much for me to take in. I was so worried at times, but right now I was brimming with some sense of connection with these two babies. I was imagining their personalities and how their relationship would be as brother and sister. I was thinking about my own childhood and how it would be to see their first smiles, their first steps, hear them speak their first words, see them grow up with Lily: I was so far into the future, I had to get out of this room and tell Krzysztof! I could have sent him a message while I was sitting there, but I wanted to wait and tell him on the phone.
Grace was enjoying watching the babies on the screen, and I could see she was so happy for me by her big smile. I couldn’t believe it. A boy and a girl. I wanted to make sure Grace was OK and then run out and tell Krzysztof, but I had to wait and called him straight after we got to the doors of the hospital. He was really emotional as I told him, and I could hardly dial his number and get the words out, all I could say was, ‘A boy and a girl!’ More and more happy tears flowed. I could see the two of them becoming increasingly active and imagine them now as babies – lots of visions of pink and blue.
We made our way back to the hotel to take a few photos with Lucas. I was so happy to be there with Grace and her double baby bump, with the boy and girl twins in there. I wished so much that Krzysztof could have been there. I consoled myself that we would both be there in only six weeks’ time, and then he would also have the chance to share the experience.
I went back to the island of Koh Chang to celebrate my birthday with friends and take some time to rest and plan ahead for the future. While I was there, Grace wrote to me to tell me that while she had been at her dad’s birthday she had begun to suffer from a severe stomach ache. I was instantly on the alert and concerned. Everything stopped around me and fell silent. All I could hear was the sounds my phone was making as we typed messages back and forth. I wanted to know as much detail as possible, but I didn’t want to worry her more than she already must have been. I asked her what her symptoms were and she told me it felt like indigestion, and she confirmed that she wasn’t bleeding. I told her to call the doctor and go to the hospital if she needed to, and she began to make her way there. I felt paralysed. It was the first time since the rubella scare
that I was really fearful that something was wrong; I was full of anxiety that she and the babies were in danger, as I didn’t know the full facts and was some distance away. I felt sick and sat looking at my phone, exchanging messages and updating Krzysztof on every twist and turn, all from so far away.
Over the next few hours, Grace was admitted to hospital. Her sister sent me a photo of her being attended to. She was on a drip, and they had given her a shot for the indigestion, which seemed to make the symptoms subside quickly. Each second that passed seemed an eternity until I heard that she was feeling better and the symptoms had abated. Once she was checked and the babies were confirmed to be well, I breathed a small sigh of relief and, after calling her to chat, I went to bed to try to sleep. I had been so worried and tense for the last few hours it took me a while to relax, and all the time I wanted to be near her. I wanted to get the first boat off the island and head back to Bangkok. I was exhausted. Those couple of hours had felt like weeks and the stress and worry was almost too much to bear at times. I woke up and could hardly breathe until Grace woke up. When Grace messaged me in the morning to say she was feeling better, I was already on my way back to Bangkok so that we could meet up. We went to the Buk Kah Lo temple that we had been to before and had a blessing with the monk again. I felt warm being with her and was glad to be near the babies.
The baby scan given to family
When we got back to the hotel, the twins were moving around, and I sat with my hands on her belly, hoping that I could feel one of the babies kick, but each time I touched Grace they stopped. I so wanted to feel them touch me. I waited, but I couldn’t be sure that I’d felt anything. I waited and waited, and then there they were! One baby kicked me or punched me. I couldn’t be certain which baby, or whether it was a hand or foot, but it felt like a ‘pop’ and, not that I had ever doubted it before, but right there in that moment I realised that I loved both of those babies with all my heart. Suddenly they were real because I could feel them, and I believed they could feel me. My babies reacted to me and the feeling was electric. I was in love with them both and joy washed over me. Grace was smiling and laughing as they moved around. I gave Grace a few gifts and handed over the voice recorder with all the stories I had recorded with Lily. I felt warm and comforted to think that every night Grace could play the babies a story at bedtime, if she so wished, and maybe they would get used to my voice, ready for me to welcome them to the outside world. I knew that the next day we would be at the new hospital for a scan, and I went to bed happy that I would see both babies again.
Chapter 15
Returning to Normal
When I arrived at the hospital, which was about thirty minutes away from where I was staying, I went on a tour of the nursery and waited for Grace to arrive. There were a couple of girls there from the clinic, and it was good to see everything going on as normal after the clinic had been closed down. The time we had spent corresponding and being together while the clinic was closed helped Grace and me to bond further. Other parents-to-be had not been as fortunate and had lost all contact with their surrogates or were being reunited after what must have felt like forever. I was glad the clinic was back in control of arranging all the medical appointments. I missed them updating me from a medical point of view, and their support for Grace was hugely important. They had since reopened, but all medical scans still had to be completed at the hospital. It took over three hours to see the doctor, and then at last it was time for our scan. Again I peered at the screen to see both heartbeats and how much the babies had grown. I felt so lucky that I had the opportunity to see them both again. Not long after we started, I was able to see their hearts beating away, and one handsome baby boy and one beautiful baby girl were confirmed again. All the measurements were verified as healthy and normal. It was amazing to think that this was the first day of the twentieth week of pregnancy, and I was present to see both babies moving around on the screen. I was able to concentrate better this time and marvelled at seeing their faces and the intricate detail of their spines, hands and feet. Now that I could feel them moving, I felt an even bigger sense that I must look after Grace and the babies. They both looked perfect to me, and I was so happy to be there. After the scan, I travelled with Grace to her home and left her there, and then I went on to the clinic to see Dr Levi.
I was so glad to see Dr Levi and Dr Alice again after all the media reporting going on over the last few weeks, and although the clinic had now changed some operational procedures I was glad to be back in the building where my nine remaining embryos were stored. There had been so much speculation about moving embryos to different countries, but I suppose, because of the pregnancy, it hadn’t been high on my agenda. Also, I’d been told that they were safe in storage. I sat and chatted with Dr Alice and Dr Levi about the scan we’d had, and I felt so much gratitude for what they had achieved for me. I told them I was completely supportive of the doctors and the clinic after all the problems from the government and, after having met, I sent them the following email the next day:
Dear Dr Alice and Dr Levi,
It was great to see you both yesterday. I just wanted to write to let you know that I am so happy to learn that we are having a baby boy and girl and that they are both healthy and growing well. All through the reports over the last few weeks I have always had 100% confidence in you and the clinic and believed that things would work out in the future. It was good to see you continue to help people and I am so glad you were able to help me now and also (I hope) in the future.
I enjoyed talking to you both again and look forward to seeing you next time as my family continues to grow.
Take care,
James
I returned to the hotel and began to pack, as it was time to travel back to London and see everyone and spread the news about the boy and girl who would be arriving.
Chapter 16
Midwives
In late September our friend Marisa suggested that we should investigate getting midwife support and advice in the UK. She recommended speaking to Mary, who was helping her during her pregnancy with her second son, Daniel. I arranged for her to come to our apartment to meet both Krzysztof and me. Mary is a freelance midwife and had recently helped a straight couple with their surrogate pregnancy in the USA. Her recent experience with surrogacy really attracted me to her help, and it was a perfect match to meet with her and voice all our concerns and celebrations. We had chatted briefly on the phone before we met to give her a few details, but when we met her in person it was straight down to business, with coffee in hand. I really enjoyed talking openly about my fears around being accepted as a family of two dads and how we would cope, and it was great for Krzysztof to have equal input and understand how much our life was about to change. Mary worked for a small company called Loving Birthcare that could provide us with anything, from decorating our nursery to people who would be on hand to help us with the babies twenty-four hours a day from birth. She provided medical information as well as emotional support, and we bonded with her immediately. We didn’t really know what to expect while working with her but agreed to a few home sessions in order to prepare us for the birth and coming home with the babies.
We talked about how we wanted, first of all, to start celebrating the pregnancy properly; due to the issues surrounding the surrogacy changes in Thailand, I was beginning to feel we were living a bit underground, in secret, and not spreading the news properly. So many people now had their own views on commercial surrogacy and were not scared to tell us. Some were against gay people having a family this way, but for us personally everyone we told supported us. We agreed that it was time to tell all of our close family and friends that we were expecting twins with Grace, and we would become parents in the new year. We also talked with Mary about how to help Lily adjust to two new babies in each of our lives as the situation would change for all of us. This was really important to me, and I was glad to be able to talk to someone who
could give me practical advice on how to approach this with Lily. I felt a sense of relief, as if we had been given permission and it was OK now to celebrate. (We were already in the twenty-second week.) I welcomed that feeling, and hoped that by sharing more information we would have the support we wanted, as the enormity of having two new babies via surrogacy on the other side of the world was beginning to present a few hurdles that we would all have to jump over together. The list of legal documents to plan for was endless and the pressure to get everything perfect was growing. I was imagining building a nest for the babies, with everything they could possibly need for their first few weeks in Thailand, but the difficulty of getting everything there was our reality.
Mary, Krzysztof and I Skyped with Grace during our meeting, and it was a brief chance for Mary to chat to her and see her bump. I was glad that Mary would also be a support for Grace via email in the weeks ahead, and this was an unexpected bonus for us. Once we had talked, we agreed what we needed to concentrate on before our next meeting in a few weeks’ time. We had to contact our local health visitor to ensure we were part of the system and Mary would send us some information about twin pregnancies and delivery relevant to the UK. We agreed that next time we would start our birth plan and review all the information we would have received from the hospital on our next visit to Thailand at the beginning of November. We also talked about the different types of care we could consider, from having a live-out nanny, to a maternity nurse, a mother’s help or even a doula. It was useful for us to consider what type of help this would give us and afforded us time to plan how we wanted that person to help us, both in Bangkok and when we got home. We discussed what their jobs would be and how this would help us. We also discussed how it might feel for us to have so much help to look after our new family. I was to think through how I would feel about someone else taking care of our children, and as I had planned to do so much of it myself it was a great opportunity to consider this. Mary even drew up job descriptions for the nannies who would help us after our arrival home from the hospital. It included giving us time as new parents to make a cup of tea or take time to go off and have a shower. Situations were coming up that I had no idea we would have to prepare for.
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