As our meeting drew to a close, I was pleased and reassured that we’d had a chance to go over so much and felt as if we now had a practical plan and objectives in place to concentrate on for the next few weeks. It was so exciting, but daunting at the same time, and I was beginning to realise the differences from having a baby naturally in the UK to the path we had chosen, to have twins via surrogacy, far away in Bangkok.
Chapter 17
Becoming a Family
October drew to a close and we began to get ready to go back to Bangkok. Krzysztof and I took the chance to go to Scotland for a few days and spend time with my family. I had been thinking for quite some time that I wanted to put down in writing some thoughts about his role with the twins. We had discussed it a long time ago, but I hadn’t really defined how I wanted his place as a parent to look. I had prepared a few words that I wanted him to read and absorb and, as I had taken a long time to think about it, I came up with the same answer every time: I wanted him to be an equal parent to the twins even though our relationship had been really new when Grace eventually became pregnant. I sat down and put a letter together to give to him when the time was right; I wanted him to understand my feelings for him, and how I wanted us to grow as a family. I knew already that he wanted to be a huge part, and I assumed that he wanted to parent equally so I wanted to express this. I had so many happy tears writing it. So, as we were travelling to the Isle of Skye off the north-west coast of Scotland, I knew we would be away from all distractions and would really enjoy some quality time together before meeting up with my family.
We had rented a little converted church on the north-west peninsula of Skye, somewhere I have visited a lot and where I have always felt so happy. The light is beautiful on the peninsula; it’s a place of breathtaking loveliness and the distant views of mountains and ocean bring a real sense of peace and calm. On our second morning, I had printed out the following letter into a card with the word ‘Dad’ on the front and waited for the right time to hand it to Krzysztof. As we were driving around the island, we passed a little stream leading out to the cottage. It’s a beautiful spot, and Krzysztof wanted to pull over at the little brick bridge to take some photos. The timing was perfect, and when we stopped I handed him the envelope. The card read:
Dear Krzysztof,
I have enjoyed every minute of being able to share the pregnancy of the twins with you, from the moment I found out Grace was pregnant. You were the first person I thought of, you were the first person I wanted to call and you were the first person I did call.
What a journey since then – we’ve come so far. I have been scared, and you have comforted me, we have been excited and you have helped me, but most of all you have been kind enough to support me, for which I am so thankful. I love you, and your support has been unexpected and wonderful. I am completely grateful to you. I understand there have been worries for you too and you have been brilliant to keep calm and not let us panic or be defeatist. I think this must have been really difficult for you not really knowing where you will stand when the babies arrive. I will continue to work hard on my business as I know you will too so that we can enjoy the time we have and grow together.
In one of our chats a few months ago we talked about how you would be involved in the babies’ lives, and that we would decide nearer the time to them being born and we’d had a chance for our relationship to grow. Well, I want to ask you to be their dad too. :) :)
I love you and I would be really, really happy and full of joy for you to be a dad to the twins, and for us to grow as a family together. I would love to do our parenting plan as two dads and agree how we would both like our family to develop.
I have thought long and hard about asking you, but I have always come up with the answer ‘yes’. I can imagine the wonderful times we will all spend together and parent the twins and teach them, look after them and nurture them. I know that it is something that you really wanted in your life before we met, and I know how important it is to you too. So what I am also asking you is if we could call the babies Jnr & Jnr Dudek-Phillip? :) :) (First and middle names still to be decided by us). I would be so happy for you to be an equal dad of the twins and I know already when I see you with Lily just how good a dad you will be.
So what do you think? Will you be a dad to the twins too? :) :)
I love you and thank you for being my boyfriend,
James xx
I stood back in the most picturesque spot on Skye watching Krzysztof read my letter. His eyes filled with tears, as did mine, and we hugged and kissed, and at that moment we became a family. I knew he would have lots of questions, as I did, but for the time being we were so thrilled that we drove along to Stein village and had a coffee looking out at the fishing boats and chatting about Krzysztof being a legal parent to the twins, and how that felt for him. He was so thrilled and I knew instantly that I had made the right decision for us all to be a family together – equally. We decided to celebrate by going to dinner at The Three Chimneys restaurant and we both beamed throughout the entire meal.
Waking up together the next day in the house, with the wind blowing and the ocean outside, we had breakfast in bed and enjoyed the view of the landscape. I began to let myself imagine how wonderful it would be to be a family together at home and also to travel around together. Now I was properly and openly imagining our time as a family, for instance going off on holiday and all of us jumping in the pool together and laughing, or coming back to Skye and visiting the spot where I had asked Krzysztof to be their dad too. We chatted over and over about our plans as a family. I could see that Krzysztof was comfortable now and was able to be confident in his role as a father going forward. We hadn’t been together a year yet and here we were expecting twins.
My mum had decided to plan a baby shower with all the family and her friends, and it was great to walk into the house to find balloons and bunting everywhere and a great party feel about the place. My family had already accepted Krzysztof as a dad to the twins months ago, so to them it was no surprise. In fact, my sister-in-law, Morag, had prepared a cake with two teddy bears in pink and blue blankets that said ‘Congratulations James & Krzysztof’, so there was no need to explain the decisions we’d made as everyone had already presumed we’d both be dads anyway. As guests arrived, we received the most perfect gifts and packages of baby things and clothes that were all so welcome and appreciated. We had new blankets, soft toys, clothes for all sizes in pink and blue, and even the cutest bootees for the twins. As we were opening all the gifts, I was trying to remember who had given us each one so I could send thank-you cards, but the presents kept coming and coming and I had to write everything down to keep track.
As more and more friends and family arrived, it was so lovely to sit and relax, chat and listen to stories, and tell them how Grace and the babies were growing. Everyone there was so happy to hear our plans for the birth and where we would stay when the babies would be born, and how long it would take us to get home to London. I could see at this point just how different our situation was from most people’s experience and how interested they all were to learn about how the babies came to be. Breaking from tradition, we ordered an enormous amount of fish and chips in the evening, and as we continued to hear stories and share our plans, we all tucked into the teddy bear cake that Morag had made for us. It was overwhelming to see how supportive my family were, and how willing they were to offer help when the babies arrived. As the party was drawing to a close, I was wondering how on earth we were going to get all of these beautiful gifts back to London and on to Thailand. So, the next day, before our flight, we popped out to buy yet another suitcase to transport everything home in preparation for our trip to Bangkok in a few days’ time. As we said goodbye to my mum, I knew the next time she would see Krzysztof would be in Thailand, which made our exit from the house loud with excitement.
Chapter 18
Preparing for Thailand
Arriving home in London felt like the start of the journey over to Thailand for the both of us. I had accumulated lots of baby stuff in my office in various suitcases, alongside the pram and car seats that I wanted to take on this trip. I had decided on the same pram that Lily had, but obviously the twin version, and it was in two enormous boxes. In total, we had eleven boxes and suitcases. On the Friday morning, our departure day, I was so thrilled to finally be taking all the gifts and things that I had bought to the apartment that we had rented in Thailand. I felt a need to have everything in the same place for the babies’ arrival, and I knew this trip would be the one where we’d transport most things. Sizing up all the suitcases and boxes, I realised that even three cars wouldn’t be big enough to carry everything, so instead of having my entire office drive us over to Heathrow, I hired a minivan to take us there. It was completely packed and I had no idea if we would even get everything on board. I picked Krzysztof up from work. As we arrived at Terminal 5, it took four trollies to get us through the doors and over to the shop to wrap the boxes in plastic so they wouldn’t be damaged on the flight. We were one bag over the weight I had paid for, so I was hoping for some special treatment. Thankfully the clerk allowed us to check everything in. Once we were past security and sitting at lunch, I felt overjoyed that we had everything done and we would soon arrive at the hotel and be able to make our way over to see Grace. During the flight, it was lovely to be with Krzysztof as he was going to be near his babies for the first time. I relaxed back in the knowledge that our luggage was filling half the plane’s storage compartment with everything we’d need for the babies when they arrived. We could barely wait to get there.
When we arrived in Bangkok, we were greeted by airport staff, which had been arranged by the hotel to help us through security and collect our baggage. In fact, at one point there were six people helping us. They scanned our luggage once it had come off the belts, and soon enough we were in the hotel’s minivan, moving swiftly along the motorway. I felt a little more relaxed then to know that we were in the same city as the babies.
After a quick shower, we had our first meeting with the manager who was going to rent us the apartment. We went over the contract, and I was proud to show Krzysztof around the home we would all be living in. The apartment I had chosen was overlooking the skyline of Bangkok but, because it was on a higher floor of the Banyan Tree hotel, you could hardly hear any noise from the streets below. In fact, apart from the whirring of the air conditioning it was pretty calm and the exact environment I wanted for the children when they left the hospital and arrived at our first home as a family. The bedrooms were all decorated in a luxurious Thai style with enormous beds and crisp linen and the living room was vast with marble floors and a lavish kitchen to the side of the dining area. I was so familiar with the hotel and all the staff there, I knew I wouldn’t be as comfortable anywhere else, and they were all very accommodating and super-efficient in helping us out. We wandered around the apartment, imagining where the babies would sleep, where we would fit all our things, planning dinners and how we would relax. It was truly magical to envision where, in just a few months, we would all be together in one place, in the one apartment as a family.
We left the apartment and my stomach was filled with butterflies as we jumped in the hotel car to go to see Grace and her family. It would be the first time I had met her mother and her younger sister and, of course, the first time for Krzysztof to meet Grace and to be able to feel his babies. I was so thrilled, as Krzysztof was, but we both managed to fall asleep in the car on the way, as we had barely slept on the flight. When we arrived, we both caught a glimpse of Grace as she came out of her apartment, and I was completely bowled over when I saw her smile and her even bigger bump. To be with Krzysztof when they met was an amazing moment for me, and they hit it off straight away – I suppose because we were all used to chatting on Skype.
When we entered Grace’s apartment, her friend and her daughter, Ava, were there. As her mother and sister came to meet us, we were greeted with two beautiful welcoming flower garlands for our wrists, which made us feel relaxed and welcomed straight away. We chatted for a while and all the time I was so happy to be back in the same room as Grace and the babies and so eager to hold her tummy and be close to them. Grace invited Krzysztof to hold her belly to feel the babies too. It was such an intimate moment to be part of and witness – I had to fight the tears just watching. Afterwards we all got in the car and headed off for a coffee, to talk and plan our mini holiday together over the next few days. We sat chatting and taking pictures, and I was so thrilled about the days ahead even though we had a lot of appointments to attend. We were all to meet at the hotel the next day, where Grace would have her own room and stay with us for a couple of nights. We headed back to the hotel for dinner and slumped into bed early, exhausted from the jet lag.
At 2am, I could hear Krzysztof stirring and I too felt wide awake because of the jet lag and excitement from the day. I woke up properly and announced that we should have some tea and put the pram together to check everything was in working order. This would mean we could leave it up, safe in the knowledge that it would be ready for the babies when they finally arrived. We both jumped out of bed, so excited to see what the pram would look like built. It was a pink and blue Bugaboo, and although I was used to Lily’s one, putting this pram together with Krzysztof was a special moment for me. I had been holding back from doing it before but kept thinking about it while it was in its box in my office. To put the thing up together was a moment I wanted to be perfect, even though it was about 3am by this time. As we laughed and struggled with fabric and canopies, cup holders and bags, I could imagine how it would be when both of us pushed the pram around, and how different life would be. We took photos of it and left it to one side, ready to be packed up before we left, assured now that everything worked perfectly. We got back into bed and slept so long we missed breakfast.
I spent the day showing Krzysztof around the hotel and the local area, and together we explored places we would go to with the babies and talked about all the things we would need. I was showing him the world-famous spa and pool at the hotel, but also further afield to the local coffee shops and hotels we could visit. Grace was due to arrive at the hotel in the evening and we were all going to have dinner together. When she appeared she looked so beautiful and I was so happy to see her bump getting bigger and bigger, knowing the babies were growing in size every day, kicking and punching, dancing and doing somersaults.
We decided to eat in the hotel at Saffron, my favourite Thai restaurant. All the staff were so pleased to meet Krzysztof and Grace, as I’d been filling them in on my previous trips. As the three of us sat down to dinner, the babies started to kick, and Grace asked us both to hold her tummy and see if we could feel them. I felt a good hard foot or fist – I even jumped, the feeling was so incredible – but when I saw Krzysztof hold her tummy and he felt the babies kick for the first time, I was holding back the tears yet again. The expression of shock and excitement on his face was wonderful, and I could tell he was struggling not to cry too. I always felt a sense of relief and joy when I felt the babies kick, and I felt really relaxed during dinner, hoping the babies were enjoying the food too.
We all went to bed early. I was glad to know that Grace and the babies were in the next room to us. In fact, at 3am when we woke up again, I was thinking about them on the other side of the wall and wondered if they were awake. At breakfast the next day, Grace told us that at 3am she had woken up too as one or both of the babies had the hiccups. Crazily, I’d hoped they sensed Krzysztof and I were there too.
We had a day of photographs again with my friend, Lucas, and his girlfriend, Anna. After we’d had coffee together we went to the roof of the hotel on the sixtieth floor to take some photos with Krzysztof, Grace and myself. It was a glorious day, perfect for photos. We’d made a garland in pink and blue which read: ‘Dads to be … Jan 15 … J&K’
and took photos of this too. I wanted a photo to make our announcement public, and to give a hint to everyone that the babies were a boy and a girl. I was really pleased with the photos, after which we headed off to the temple, where previously I had talked with Grace about Krzysztof becoming a dad to the twins. It was marvellous for us all to be there, and Lucas got some great shots of us all in the temple grounds. As we stood there, Krzysztof, Grace and I all together with the babies in her tummy, it felt as if everything was coming together as it should. My feelings for Krzysztof as a partner were so strong and powerful. For us to be together in the very temple where I had expressed my feelings to Grace about him being a dad too was a great moment to share with him.
Surrogacy Page 9