In the evening we had dinner back at the hotel and all decided to go to bed early. I was impatient, though, to make our announcement public, and as soon as Lucas had sent me through the photos, Krzysztof and I chose the ones we liked the best and added them to the following announcement on Facebook – fondly written as if it were a pregnancy announcement press release.
Chapter 19
Surrounded by Love: Announcements
News Flash! It’s twins!
Krzysztof and James are proud to announce that they are expecting two new arrivals in January 2015! ‘After a very long and wonderful journey we are so happy that our friend, Grace, is carrying our two babies,’ they say. Family and friends are all very excited for the twins to arrive, and on the breaking news here are some of the things they have been heard saying:
Nannee, James’s mum, was quoted asking, ‘There will be a flatbed on the plane to Thailand?’ In preparation for the new grandkids, Nannee wants to arrive in style and is extremely ‘excitimicated!’ The high-pitched squealing nearly set the fire alarms off.
Lily, getting ready for her new role as a big sister, was seen packing and unpacking a bag of nappies and bottles – clearly very happy and excited for them to arrive. Already the twins are kicking when they hear her reading or singing. Her mum, Emma, soon to be known to the twins as Gigi, is busy making sure ‘The book’ is on hand to deal with any stages, phases, changes in routine or curveballs to come and realised now why indeed the two Bumbo seats were still kicking around.
Adam: ‘OMG. Finally, I’m going to become an uncle. They will have the best haircuts!’
Lena: ‘What are you going to do with two …?’
Lucia: ‘This is amazing! Two little bundles of joy are coming into your lives very soon to change it completely, but don’t panic.’
Sara: best friend of 23 years since our teenage years, has been quoted saying, ‘The only thing to match being a mother is being a godmother. I will love the twins as I love my own boy and support them to become FABULOUS human beings.’ The more emphasis on the fabulous, the better, darling. The boy himself, Gregory, is looking forward to teaching them to read and in preparation has already recorded a favourite book, being played to the twins at the moment over in Thailand.
Krzysztof: ‘It’s like my dream came true. I am ecstatic and the fact that we have two babies arriving means I am doubly excited for them to arrive. Where’s the ring? :)’
James: ‘I will be so happy to welcome our new babies to the world. In fact, I couldn’t be more excited and full of joy. To share this with Krzysztof, and for our family to grow together, is the most amazing feeling.’
Straight away, we received a flood of messages, texts and calls wishing us well, even though most of our friends already knew the news. I think the photos of us all together and the obviousness of Grace’s baby bump made it real for everyone else too. I felt so warm and loved by all the messages from our friends and family, and it was the perfect time to share the announcement, together with Krzysztof, while we were all in the hotel together. I think that for the people who didn’t know already, it was a bit of a shock, though. We fell asleep with our phones and laptops buzzing away as the messages kept coming throughout the night.
Reading through all the messages when we woke up was fantastic. I loved every one of them. I was glad the news was now public, whereas before I had been a bit worried as the whole surrogacy process in Thailand had been in the news. I was glad the response was one of love and understanding from everyone.
We all had breakfast together, and the babies were particularly active, but we were leaving Grace to rest while Krzysztof and I went out to view the new hospital that had been suggested to us. Samitivej Sukhumvit hospital was near the hotel and had an international staff. My friend, Blossom, knew one of the girls working in customer services at the hospital. When we arrived, Krzysztof seemed very impressed, as was I, at the level of service and at the list of accreditations the hospital had. On the tour round, it was lovely to see the babies in the nursery, and they actually let us into the delivery suites. Obviously, we were not allowed into the operating theatre where we were planning on the babies being born, but everything we did see was of a very high standard, and we were both in agreement about the babies being born there. We had a look at the rooms Grace would stay in and were able to get a sense of where we would all be when the babies were brought to us for feeding and bonding. Next we had a coffee, and then got into the car again to meet with a couple of nanny agencies. After that, we had to get back to the hotel for our meeting with the lawyers, which had been planned for early evening. I had decided to instruct a new law firm and un-instruct Roy after all the law changes around surrogacy in Thailand. Our new law firm was an international company and had offices in Bangkok and London and would eventually be able to represent us for the parental order in the UK.
I was a little nervous to meet with the lawyers as it was really important to me that Grace was comfortable with them, and that she would be happy for them to join us at the various meetings after the babies were born. It was a good chance for us all to meet face to face, and for Krzysztof and me to present what we wanted and expected, and for the lawyers to give us as good an indication as they could of what would happen after the birth, along with the new requirements in place for us all to exit the country. Grace had a chance to chat to the Thai lawyers who worked within the company too, and this put her at ease with all the changes that had taken place since we started the process and she became pregnant.
After the meeting had finished it was time for Grace to pack up and go back to her apartment. She thanked us for the stay, though I was really torn to be parted again from the babies. As we sat together in the lobby waiting for her taxi to arrive, I sat happily and held her tummy again and imagined the babies inside. It would be about five more weeks before I returned, and I hoped everything would continue as normal and that the babies wouldn’t arrive early. Krzysztof and I both hugged her before she got into the taxi, and we watched as she drove off. We stood waving until her car pulled around the corner.
That evening we packed up our things in preparation for the flight home the following morning. Once on the airplane we tried to get as much sleep as possible, as we’d been awake most of the time we had been in Thailand. Getting back to London in November was cold. I had a lot more things on the agenda to do before the next trip now, especially with Christmas looming. When we landed, I messaged Grace and was glad to hear that she and the babies were well. Being out of contact for the thirteen hour flight was making me a little nervous, so I only relaxed when I knew that everything was well back in Thailand.
Chapter 20
Mozart and Milk
We had another day planned with Mary, our midwife, during which we hoped to agree the best birth plan that would work for Grace, our twins, Krzysztof and me. We wanted these notes to be sent to our lawyer and added to Grace’s medical notes at the hospital before the babies were born. Ideally, we both wanted to be in the delivery room for the birth. I knew this was a pretty big ask as I didn’t know many parents who had had this opportunity, but it’s what we wanted. We thought it best to put it down on the birth plan and negotiate back from there if need be.
Mary gave us some great ideas that probably even I wouldn’t have thought about, such as asking to be introduced to all personnel in the delivery suite, asking for help with taking photos and then offering them to the hospital, should they want them for training. We also included exactly how we wanted the adjoining hospital room to Grace’s to be laid out, and most importantly, what we wanted when the babies were brought to us for feeding. Mary even incorporated a note to say for how long the umbilical cords were to be allowed to pulsate when they were attached to the babies before they were cut. She also stated that, although we knew we were expecting a boy and a girl, we wanted to discover for ourselves which baby was born first.
We were able to voice the hopes of both of us for lots of skin-to-skin contact as soon as the babies were born and how we planned to feed them.
In capital letters in our birth plan was a statement which said that the babies were only to be brought to us for feeding, and not to Grace. Although this idea seemed extreme to me, I was conscious of the need to avoid Grace’s further bonding with the babies, and the importance of informing the hospital of our needs and requests to feed the babies the way we wanted to. As we were writing the plan, I wanted to discuss with Grace the fact that we would like her to express her milk so that we could bottle-feed this to the babies. I knew this would be the healthiest way to feed them in the early days, but I was apprehensive about asking Grace to do it this way, rather than give them milk from her breast directly. I explained this to her on Messenger, in preparation, before sending her the birth plan, as I wanted her to fully understand what we were asking for and we hoped she would agree. Also, I wanted her to sign the document, which I would give to the doctor directly, or via our lawyer, so it was important to get all of our most vital requests in there the first time. I explained it to her as delicately, but as clearly as I could, and I was so happy when she agreed. She also wanted the babies to have her milk, and this way would really work for us.
As we continued writing the plan in intricate detail, even noting where we would be sleeping, I was pleased when I read the final draft and wanted to get the agreement to Grace as soon as possible. I knew she would translate it, so once Krzysztof and I had finalised it I sent it over to her via email for her to read through. I printed it in my office and both Krzysztof and I signed it. I then put it in my folder to take to Thailand for Grace to sign, along with all the other required documents I would need once the babies were born. This is the document that we took to the hospital:
Birth Plan:
PARENTS: JAMES PHILLIP AND KRZYSZTOF DUDEK
GESTATIONAL CARRIER: GRACE LEEKPAI
OVERVIEW
My partner, Krzysztof, and I are expecting our twin babies in mid-January. We are immensely excited and as well prepared as we can be for the emotional and practical journey ahead. We have talked at length about the birth of our babies and our first days with them, and would like all staff to read our plan so that they can best help, guide and support us to achieve our wishes.
We are delighted with the care that we, Grace and our babies have received from your team so far and are thrilled that you have agreed to deliver our babies for us.
Please ensure that all clinical decisions are discussed with us, any changes to this plan are agreed by us and that we are kept fully informed at all times.
PRE-BIRTH
1.As we are expecting twins, we understand that the plan is to birth them by caesarian section. Having read about this in detail and, in particular, having studied the UK NICE (National Institute for Health and Care Excellence) twins guidelines in detail, we understand that there are known, quantifiable risks associated with birth before 37 weeks gestation. Therefore, we ask that our babies are not delivered earlier than 37 weeks unless clinically indicated.
2.As the parents of the babies, we understand that we will have a room available to us within the hospital. We would like access to this room prior to the birth so that we can make it a comfortable space for us all in the early hours and days. We plan to bring a steriliser and kettle and would appreciate access to a plug and some mugs if possible.
3.We would appreciate all staff introducing themselves to us, especially in the operating theatre.
4.Both of us wish to be present at the birth of our babies and understand that we will need to wear theatre clothes. We are feeling quite nervous about the operation and would really appreciate having someone to show us where to go to change and support us whilst Grace is being prepared for the birth of our babies.
THE BIRTH
1.We plan to record the birth of our babies by taking lots of photographs. We also understand that we need to give plenty of space to the staff. For this reason, we ask that someone tell us where we can stand so that we can see the babies being born and take photos but still keep out of the way of the surgeon and other assisting staff. NB: IF YOU WOULD LIKE SOME OF OUR PHOTOS FOR YOUR OWN TEACHING PURPOSES AND TO HELP OTHER EXPECTANT WOMEN, PLEASE LET US KNOW AND WE WOULD BE DELIGHTED TO HELP.
2.We would like to play some classical music quietly via a CD player we have provided during the delivery of the babies.
3.We are very keen that our babies’ umbilical cords are left uncut for as long as possible and allowed to pulsate. We are considering core blood cell storage and ask that you can help facilitate this if necessary.
4.Please offer us the opportunity to cut the umbilical cords if at all possible.
5.WE WOULD LIKE TO MEET EACH BABY INDIVIDUALLY AS THEY ARE BORN AND DISCOVER THE SEXES FOR OURSELVES.
6.We understand that babies born by caesarian section often require an immediate check over by a paediatrician on a resuscitaire. However, as soon as the babies are deemed fit, please bring them to us so that we can cuddle them. We plan to give our babies immediate skin-to-skin contact and will have soft, warmed towels to cover their backs to ensure they do not get cold.
7.We are quite interested in seeing the placentas that have grown and nourished our babies. Please can the nurses involve us in the placental checks?
THE FIRST FEW HOURS
1.As soon as the pediatrician is happy with our babies, we plan to move with them to the prepared room for more skin-to-skin time and cuddles.
2.We plan to keep our babies with us at all times and expect all feeding, weighing and changing to be done in our room. If any medical procedures are required, we would prefer that they be carried out in our presence.
3.Grace has agreed to provide her milk for our babies. We will provide a sterile container and have been shown how to feed our babies correctly. All feeds will be given by us. Should our babies require formula milk, we have a steriliser, bottles and milk and are happy to take full responsibility for feeds. WE DO NOT GIVE CONSENT FOR OUR BABIES TO BE TAKEN TO GRACE FOR FEEDS AT ANY TIME.
THE FIRST FEW DAYS
1.We plan that one of us will stay with the babies at all times until they are fit for discharge to our home. We understand that this may not be usual and thank you in advance for helping us in any way possible to make this happen.
2.We would really appreciate your support and guidance in learning how to change and bathe our babies and thank you in advance for this.
3.We would like our babies to have all the routine vaccinations and give our consent for these. We will record all vaccinations given to our babies in our UK ‘Red Books’ and would appreciate your giving us all the relevant information to facilitate this.
4.We would like our babies to have the PKU and thyroid check and give our consent for this. We would also like our babies to have the checks for cystic fibrosis, sickle cell, genetic metabolic disease and MCAD. If these checks are not available in your hospital, please let us know so that we can organise for them to be done as soon as possible on our return to the UK. We will require copies of all the relevant paperwork associated with the screening checks in time for our return to the UK.
THANK YOU FOR TAKING THE TIME TO READ OUR PLAN AND FOR HELPING US TO ACHIEVE IT. IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS, PLEASE ASK ONE OF US.
FINALLY, THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF OUR HEARTS FOR HELPING TO BRING OUR MUCH-LOVED BABIES SAFELY INTO THE WORLD.
Reading through the document that would sit with Grace’s notes in the hospital made me feel much more involved and prepared. I was so grateful to Mary for helping us create it, and it was a marvellous way to inform everyone involved what our expectations would be in those early few minutes, hours and days. For the other practicalities in our home, I had been referred to a company, Expectant Dads, that had been featured in the media for giving help to other gay families in their e
arly days.
We had our first meeting with Charlotte and Isabel at home in November. They are two remarkable women who run a company geared towards helping new gay dads prepare their home environment for the arrival of their babies. I had previously invited Charlotte and Isabel along to the surrogacy group to meet some of the other dads there, but I wanted to work with them personally in preparation for the twins. I invited them to our apartment to see where we would be bringing the twins home. They gave us some extremely useful ideas of how to arrange things once we were home with the babies, but they also really got to know us and the type of person we would require for a nanny. They even went through an inventory to make sure we had remembered everything, which was a huge relief. They agreed to sift through the CVs from agencies and get together a shortlist of people who would be suitable to help us.
We were relieved to have them on board. Mary was helping us with everything up to and shortly after the birth, and Charlotte and Isabel would be there to give us practical support once we were all home. They even offered to go food shopping and pack our freezer, and I had a huge sense that we would be very appreciative of this offer. Much as I envisaged us arriving at Heathrow, popping the twins in a papoose each and sipping a latte at Waitrose, I was equally sure this would be very impractical. They did a great job of compiling a list of what needed doing, and it was so useful to see where we were already prepared and where we still had work to do.
We had arranged to have another baby shower at our flat in London for our friends and family there and were really excited about having everyone over to celebrate the babies’ coming. As we had already had one party, we were pretty good at organising everything we needed. I thought it was just like us to be having two baby showers! We had a cake made from Hummingbird bakery with pink and blue teddy bears on top that would set off our party nicely. As everyone arrived, we received the most wonderful gifts of clothes and toys, as well as some great hand-me-downs from Emma that I was particularly grateful for – some of Lily’s baby clothes and first toys. I couldn’t wait to see our baby girl in them, and I felt the same about some boys’ clothes from my friend Marisa’s son, Harry – it was so thrilling to imagine the babies arriving and wearing them.
Surrogacy Page 10