by A. D. Ellis
Since they had skipped dessert at dinner, he went looking through the kitchen for something sweet. He had one Mountain Dew and a Snickers bar. Curling his nose and raising his eyebrow slightly, he held the bounty out for her to see. “So, when I said I try not to keep a bunch of sweets around, I wasn’t lying. Want to share dessert with me?” Audrey erupted in giggles at the sight of the drink and chocolate bar.
“I’d love to share dessert with you, sir. I’m not sure I’ve ever had such an impressive offering of sweets.” Audrey said this with a genuine smile as she walked towards him and wrapped her arms around his middle. “Thanks for breaking the tension a bit, JJ. Let’s go cuddle on the couch and eat our dessert.” With a meant-to-be quick kiss to his perfect mouth turning into a longer, lip-nipping, lingering kiss, it took a moment before they were settled on the couch.
Flipping the television on, Jeremiah tore open the chocolate bar and offered the first bite to Audrey. His gut clenched when he watched her lips close around the end of the bar. Jealous of a damn candy bar. Hell, he had it bad. As she chewed, he took a bite and popped open the can. After Audrey had taken another bite and washed it all down with the Mountain Dew, he did the same and placed their trash on the coffee table. Audrey settled into the far end of the couch and stretched her legs out onto his lap. The TV was showing an older comedy movie so they laughed at the funnier parts. Both seemed to be weighing what would come next.
“Your feet hurt from those killer heels, Sweets?” He gently started to massage her foot. She had never had reason to share with him that she was incredibly ticklish on her feet. Her reflex was to jerk her foot away from his hands, and she felt terrible when she kicked him hard, jarring his teeth. “Damn! Shit, I bit my tongue!”
“Oh my God, JJ, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to kick you! I’m just really ticklish and I wasn’t ready for your hands to massage my feet. Are you ok?” Audrey was extremely sincere while she was speaking, but as she looked in his eyes and saw he wasn’t hurt badly, she started to see humor in the situation and fought to hold back her laughter.
“Oh, yeah, you feel really bad, don’t you, Angel? So bad that you’re laughing at me. My tongue could be bleeding and you’re laughing? I may have a permanent headache from the jarring that my jaw just took and you’re trying not to giggle, aren’t you?” Jeremiah was trying to sound stern but the struggle Audrey was having to stifle her giggles was just too much for him and he started laughing as well. Lunging at her he grabbed her waist, “Are you just ticklish on your feet or all over? How about here?” His fingers tickled mercilessly at her torso while she shrieked and tried to escape. “How about your knee, is it ticklish, Sweets?” His hand on her knee sent her into more fits of laughter and flopping around. “Hold still, I’ve got one more test. How about here, are these ticklish?” He sobered up quickly when his face was just inches from hers and his finger lightly brushed her lips.
“Not sure about those, you better try them out.” Audrey’s voice was breathless from the tickling, but more so from the anticipation. She could see her own chest heaving against his as she waited the split second for his mouth to join with hers. All joking aside, she melted into his kiss. How did she ever survive before this man and his kisses? It felt as though her whole body came more alive when his mouth was on hers. Shifting slightly she moved so that he could nestle more comfortably between her legs. He stilled the kiss and pressed his forehead against hers, catching his breath. “Angel, I need to know how far this is going tonight. I will stop whenever you say, just prepare me a little here.” His voice was strained as he attempted to be noble.
“I don’t think I want to stop, but let’s not rush it. Let’s take our time.” Audrey used the back of his head to pull him back down towards her lips. After several moments of leisurely kissing, she shifted her hips again and felt him press directly on her center. Moaning at the exact moment as her, he pulled back long enough to ask, “Do you want to stay here or move to the bedroom?” His chest felt strange when she said bedroom; he’d not had a woman in this house or in this bed, ever. And it felt more than right that the first woman he shared this bed with would be the last one to ever be in it. He could tell she was totally into the actions of tonight; he was a little less sure of her emotions in all of it. He sensed that she was struggling not to shut them off. Standing, he reached for her hand and pulled her up to stand. He allowed her to lead him down the hall. She stripped her shirt about ¼ of the way there, turning around to peek at him as she tossed it to the floor. About half way to the bedroom, she shimmied out of her pants, being sure he got a good view of her thong clad backside. At the doorway to his room, she turned to face him and removed her bra. Clad in just a thong, she raised her arms to curl them around his neck and pull him in for a kiss. His heart was thumping mile a minute all while it was breaking; somewhere between the tickling and the kissing, he’d lost her. She was back in the ‘just fuck me’ mode; her emotions had fled.
“What’s going on, Angel? I thought we weren’t going to hurry it?” His whisper pleaded with her to come back to him, be his Audrey, but her answer sent that hope out the window. At least for tonight.
“I was wrong, we need to hurry, I want you too badly. Now, come on, fuck me.” Her eyes were dead when she spoke but she reached down and undid his pants, shoving them to the ground as she dropped to her knees.
“Angel, no, stop. Let’s talk about this. This isn’t the way we wanted it to be, remember? Ahhh, baby, that feels too good. Your mouth is too good.” The last coherent thought that ran through his head was that they would enjoy fierce and explosive tonight and talk tomorrow. He needed to get her to trust him enough to let some emotions into all of this.
He’d let her close herself off emotionally, but he’d be damned if he let her suck him off and control this any further than that. He pulled her up to stand facing her. “Sweets, I see what you’re doing here. I don’t like it, but I’ll let it go for now. You want to shut off emotions for tonight? Fine, you can. I won’t be shutting mine off because mine are too on fire for you. We’ve got plenty of time. Eventually I will convince you that I’m worthy of your feelings. More importantly, I’ll convince you that you are worthy of my feelings.” With that off his chest, he let the night go where she wanted it to. Just for now.
Walking her back towards the bed, he stopped when her legs hit the edge and she was forced to sit down. Pushing her farther back on the bed, he settled between her legs and draped her ankles over his shoulders. “Mmmmm, I’ve been waiting to get back here, right where I belong.” Pushing the flimsy string of her thong to the side, he kissed gently all around except where she really wanted him. She strained her hips, trying to get his tongue where she wanted it most. “Remember, Angel, I’m in control here, just lay back and enjoy it.” She bucked as he gave her exactly what she wanted. Within moments she was shattering under the soft strokes of his tongue.
He grabbed a condom from the nightstand. He’d proudly bought a new box and left it in the high cabinet in his bathroom so as not to have to explain the foil packages to a four-year-old; he’d kept one on the nightstand before heading to pick Audrey up tonight. He tore the gold wrapper quickly, rolled it down his length, and moved her long ways on the bed. He knelt between her knees and pulled them farther apart, watching her eyes as he positioned her on the bed. Pushing off his heels, he braced himself on his arms and felt her warmth as their skin contacted.
“Now, Jeremiah, fuck me now.” Letting go of the sweet nickname, she demanded what she wanted.
“No, you can fuck me, but that’s not what this is for me. Remember that when you come, this isn’t just a fuck to me.” He tested her readiness as he pushed in slightly. Her legs came around him and she thrust herself up, propelling him the rest of the way. Her moan echoed through the room and he stopped momentarily to rest his head in the crook of her neck. “This isn’t just a fuck, Audrey.”
“Jeremiah, just move, this is what I need.” Her voice cracked and his heart shattered
more. Maybe she was more broken than he originally thought. Almost involuntarily, he began to move. Slowly at first, then faster. She increased their rhythm and within moments she was shattering again and his release found him.
Both breathing heavily, they lay together for a few minutes. He wanted to clean up and hold her and talk about what just went down, but he was bracing for what her next move was going to be.
Pushing him off, she left the bed to quickly clean up and pull all of her clothes back on. He rushed to the bathroom to take care of the condom, hoping that she wasn’t going to leave without speaking to him.
“So, listen, I just remembered I’ve got this party stuff I need to take care of first thing in the morning, so I’m going to head out.” She couldn’t even look him in the eyes as her flat voice spoke.
“I call bullshit, Angel, but fine. I’ll take you home. We’ll talk about this and we’ll get past it. The next time we share a bed, I will be making love to you and you to me. It will happen. And what just happened between us won’t happen again until we’re both on the same page with what we want. Come on, grab your bag so you can get home to your terribly important work.” He fought to keep his voice calm; he struggled to keep the heartbreak from coming through.
They made it to Audrey’s place with barely a couple words between them. It wasn’t hostile, just awkward. A brief kiss at the door and Audrey was gone, leaving Jeremiah to drive home in a confused and heartbroken haze.
Chapter 28
Audrey
I barely made it to my bathroom before the sobs started. I ran the shower as hot as I possibly could; I felt so dirty, I had to wash tonight off of me. Jeremiah had done nothing wrong, it was me, I ruined the night and I possibly ruined anything we might have thought we have together. No guy, well, at least no single dad, is going to want to date a girl who can’t even commit emotions to sex. But, that’s who I am. I’m flawed and dirty and ruined, no one in his right mind would love me. Hell, I don’t even know if I can love me, right now I’m pretty disgusted with myself.
My skin was throbbing red from the scalding water, but I felt slightly better. I looked to my index cards. SURVIVOR stared back at me. I lifted my chin in defiance of the suffocating memories that threatened to convince me that I’m worthless. No, I’m a survivor! The second card was a little more difficult for me; “I can only show love when I know how loved I am”. Well, that seems to be the crux of my problem right now, doesn’t it? I don’t love me and I don’t see how Jeremiah could love me, so how can I love him? I’m not sure what’s scarier: the fact that I don’t love myself, the fact that I don’t think he could ever truly love the real me, or the fact that, if I’m honest with myself, I am falling in love with him a little more every day. I don’t even know how to be in love.
I texted Dr. Xander, knowing that he would probably reply back the next morning since it was so late already. Surprisingly, he was at the office and asked if I could come in right away since he was booked the next day. I let my hair air dry and headed to talk to Dr. X.
A two-hour session later, I am left feeling somewhat better. We focused a lot on love. My dad loves me. He never stopped loving me; there were times when he didn’t love himself and maybe still doesn’t, but he didn't ever not love me. I can’t blame him for my past because he wasn’t aware of it. If I had told him about it, I know he would have protected me until his dying day.
My sister loves me. Why she loves me, I’ll never know. I’m blessed that Beth is a forgiving person and wants a relationship with me more than she wants to hold on to hurt and anger and resentment.
Nicky loves me. I’m one of his best friends and he’s one of mine. I am saddened when I think of how poorly I treated him and others like him, but I’m grateful for this forgiveness. I’m also grateful for the time I’ve had to get to know and love him as well.
Beckett loves me. Dr. X says kids are a lot like dogs, they sense fear and danger. He says the fact that Beckett has been so drawn to me is a good sign; he says that I’m a good person and Beck recognizes that even at his young age.
Does Jeremiah love me? I don’t know. I think he was hedging around that tonight, but I’m sure he was a little bit worried I’d bolt even faster if he dropped those words on me. Can I tell him I love him? Is it too soon? Do I love him because he’s the first guy who has treated me like more than a sexual conquest? Or do I love him because of his good heart and the fact that he makes me laugh and we have such a great time together?
I was mentally and physically exhausted by the time I arrived back home. Ready to crawl into bed, I noticed a note on my pillow. How the hell did that get here!?
Dear Audrey,
First, don’t ever leave your door unlocked like that again. Anyone could have just walked in here. I wanted to see you, to talk to you, but you’re not here. I really need us to talk about this and get it figured out. I’m not going anywhere and you’re the only one I want. Text me when you get home so I know you’re safe.
Love,
JJ
I tapped out a quick text letting him know I was home and safe. Clutching the note to my chest, tears streaming down my face, I fell into an exhausted sleep. My last thoughts were that he must truly care about me; he came back to check on me and was obviously worried about me.
***********
The next day Jeremiah texted me to see if I was free for lunch since he was working. I agreed to meet up with him at the park; I brought tacos from a local food truck. I was nervous; I wanted this to go well. I knew what I needed to do, I needed to accept he likes me for me and just live in the now rather than focusing on my crappy past. That’s just easier said than done.
“Hiya, Sweets.” His kiss on my lips was light, tentative, like he was trying to come across confident in this whole thing but inside he was just as nervous as me. “I didn’t take my morning break and I’ll skip my afternoon break, so I’ve got a whole hour to spare for lunch.” His wink brought the tension level down a bit and I tried to relax. After I placed our lunch on the table, we both dug in and enjoyed our food. Appetites sated and nerves placated at least somewhat, we sipped on our drinks while gathering the thoughts we wanted to share.
“Can I go first?” I could tell he was gearing up for a fairly big speech, his eyes were determined but they had a very cautious look to them as well. At my nod, he took a deep breath and then surprised the shit out of me when he grabs the back of my neck and kisses me until we were both breathless. “What the hell, J? I thought we were talking? Don’t get me wrong, that was very nice, but it wasn’t talking.” My breath was still coming in little pants and my underwear was definitely damper than it was 5 minutes ago.
“Sorry, Angel, just had to do that for two reasons. One, because I needed another taste of you; it’s like I breathe better when my lips are on yours. Two, because I need you to understand that my feelings for you are so much more than just physical. That kiss is only one of the reasons I want to spend time with you. I want more than just your body, I want your laughs and your kindness and your mad planning skills and your ticklish feet. I want tacos in the park with you. I want Mt. Dew and Snickers on the couch with you. Dinners out, evenings in, dates, family nights, I want it all, Audrey. I want it all with YOU.” His golden flecked eyes were on fire with a passion that I had never experienced with anyone. He seemed scared of what my answer would be; when I began to speak, he cut me off and continued like he still had something to prove to me.
“Angel, when I was in your place last night, I went to your bathroom and saw those index cards. ‘I can only show love when I know how loved I am.’ Baby, that phrase almost brought me to my knees when I realized just how much it applied to you and to us. I will wait for you to love me, but I need you to know right this very minute that I love you. I’m in love with you and I love you. With all of my heart, I love you.” His forehead pressed against mine as if his speech had worn him out. “Before you say anything, please know that me saying I love you is the God’s honest truth but
I will spend the rest of my life proving to you just how much I love you. I know that, deep down, you love me; you just need a little more time to believe that my love for you is real. Please let me prove to you how much I love you.” His mouth met mine and I was sinking into the hottest, gentlest, most desperate kiss I’d ever had.
“J, I believe that you love me, I really do. I just need more time to understand why. You’re right about my deep down feelings. But, I need to love myself a bit more before I can let those feelings come out. All of these emotions are new to me and I need to warm up to them. But, rest assured that what you feel for me is being returned ten-fold to you.” His look of relief was evident and his sigh was brief before his mouth was back on mine.
Before we could be arrested for public indecency, we decided it was time to leave. I had evening parties the next couple nights and he was busy at work. We made plans to see each other that weekend. I didn’t mention that it was my birthday; I’d rather just keep that a secret for now.
Chapter 29
Jeremiah
He had never been so busy, excited, engrossed in a project before. Not a project at work, a personal project. His sweet angel, Audrey, had no idea that he knew her birthday was this weekend. She also had no idea that he had some pretty mad party-planning skills as well.
After picking up a few clues from Audrey, he had phoned Libby to ask her some questions and see if she was available and willing to help him with his plan. Luckily, she was and she was able to give some hints on things Audrey may like to do. Finally, on Friday night, he was ready to pull off a big surprise for his girl’s birthday.
He knocked on her door at 6 pm. The smile on her face when she opened the door made his heart flip-flop. He sort of wished they didn’t have a schedule to keep; he’d almost rather take her to bed and make her smile for different reasons. But, they were meeting Nate, Libby, Beckett, and the elder Jordans at the skating rink soon, so those thoughts had to wait.