Spring Semester

by Tyler, Q. B.

  “Leigh, I know, I fucked up and—”

  “I never want to speak to you again,” I snap. You don’t mean that, my subconscious screams. Tell him you don’t mean that!

  “Wh—what? No, Leigh, you don’t mean that.” He says, his eyes wide and full of worry. When I don’t immediately answer, he takes my hands in his and rubs his lips over them. “I need you.” He says quietly.

  “No, you don’t. You need to take responsibility and be there for Alli and your baby. There’s no room for me anymore, at least not right now.”

  “Of course, there is. You’ll always be the most important person to me, and you know that.” He stands to his feet and I take a step back putting my hands up.

  “I just can’t watch you do this with another woman. A woman that doesn’t respect me or us and—”

  He runs a hand through his hair and for a moment I’m transported back to when we were much younger. The younger Leighton and Everett would probably be horrified at us both. “So, you don’t love me enough to stick it out with me?”

  My heart hurts hearing him phrase it like that. Like it’s as simple as loving him or not loving him. He hurt me, broke my heart, and unless I let him go now, he’s just going to continue to do so. Even if it’s inadvertently. Every time he goes to a doctor’s appointment with her, or sees her, instead of spending time with me, the irrational side of me will lose its fucking mind. And that’s before the baby is even born.

  What happens when it’s born and becomes the center of his universe?

  What happens when Alli gives birth and he starts to see her as the mother of the baby that he loves and adores and not just the girl he got pregnant?

  “I guess I don’t.” I put a hand over my chest to try and ease the pain of my heart breaking inside of it.

  “You don’t mean that,” he says immediately.

  “It doesn’t matter what I mean or not. You know how I feel about you, Everett, but…at some point, I have to choose what’s right for me. And this? It’s not right for me.” I twist my mouth to stop myself from crying. “I’m sorry. I just…I can’t.”

  “So, I can’t even keep you as my best friend?” His face is pained, worse than the time they lost the lacrosse championship in high school. Worse than the night his dad moved out. Worse than the night we were stupid teenagers and got alcohol citations when the cops busted our friend’s party. “I can’t have you at all?” he asks.

  “Can…can I just have some space?”

  He lets out a breath, dropping his head in defeat and rubs the space under his eyes. “Space from me? No talking…at all?” He twists his mouth and even from this angle I know he’s gritting his teeth.

  The tears have formed, and are sliding down my cheeks fast, but I don’t make a move to wipe them away and neither does he and I briefly wonder if he’s afraid to touch me. “I don’t know. For now, yes.”

  He looks up at me and his blue eyes are glistening that beautiful shade of blue that only comes out the few times he’s really worked up. It’s a shame this is the only time I can see it because it is a truly beautiful color. “But…I love you. I only want you,” he begs.

  “I know.” I nod because I don’t doubt Everett’s love for me. It isn’t about that. It’s about so many other factors, and all of them lead up to the fact that we’re only twenty and dealing with real life things that I’m not ready for. I’m not ready to be a stepmom or be with a man that already had, for lack of a better phrase, baby mama drama. I want to be free to travel after college and make mistakes and not worry about screwing up a child. And then, of course, there’s the niggling thought in the back of my head that says that maybe I’ve been in the way of Alli and Everett being together long term. Maybe they’re the endgame, and I have been just a bump in the road. I’m the security blanket that he eventually needed to be free from. She’s pregnant and having a baby, their baby, and that does mean something.

  Potentially more than eleven years of friendship.

  God, I miss her. It’s been a full week since I’ve talked to Leighton. Seven full days and it’s the longest we’ve ever gone without speaking. Well, it’s the longest she’s gone without speaking to me. I’ve texted her and called her and left her voicemails. Sent her emails to her school email and her personal Gmail. I’ve left messages with Skyler and Peyton and sent her flowers and pizza and Georgetown Cupcake that I’m pretty sure her roommates ate before she even saw them. I sent her balloons because even though they don’t necessarily say I’m sorry, she loves them and they make her happy, and I’ve been praying that it would make her smile, if only for a moment.

  A smile, I would have caused.

  I’m sitting on my couch, holding a bottle of whiskey under my arm when Pat comes in.

  “You been here all day?” It’s a Saturday, and I have no plans to leave this couch in the immediate future. I managed to go to all my classes and practice and go through the motions of my life, all while feeling the absence of Leigh on my heart and in my mind and in my soul. I feel her like a phantom limb every time I move, so deeply that my body physically aches for her.

  “Yep,” I tell him as I unscrew the cap and take another long swig.

  “You want to go out?” I shoot him a look and raise an eyebrow at him before turning the channel to SportsCenter. “Want me to see if the girls are going out?”

  “I doubt it. It’s been social media silence from the three of them all week and it’s driving me crazy. Skyler posted her freaking Starbucks latte yesterday and I about fell off my chair when my phone chirped with the alert.”

  “You have all three of them set up with alerts?” He shoots me an incredulous look.

  “Sure do.” I put up a hand. “Save it. I want to see her, and if the only way I can is through their eyes, then so be it.”

  “Why not just show up at her house?” He shrugs.

  “She asked for space.”

  “So?”

  “So, I should respect that. She doesn’t want me to fight for her. Not now. She doesn’t know what she wants.”

  “She wants you, E. Anyone can see that.”

  “Maybe not with all my fucking baggage.” I sigh.

  He doesn’t say anything before kicking his shoes off and pulling out his phone. “You want pizza?”

  I’m lying on the couch, staring at the television as I round hour seven of FRIENDS. Or maybe hour eight? I pull the blanket up around my neck and take a deep breath, trying to will the pain, the nausea, the sadness away. I try to turn my brain off to focus on my favorite show when the door swings open and Skyler walks in. Peyton is on the adjacent loveseat, watching alongside, though I think she’s fallen asleep. When Skyler turns on the light and I wince at the burst of illumination just as Peyton whines.

  “Why are you guys sitting in the pitch black?”

  “It’s not. I have a candle lit.” I point at our only source of light other than the TV that smells like April rain and spring and happier times.

  “Turn it off, I was napping!” Peyton demands.

  “It’s six-thirty. Peyton, don’t you think we should go out?”

  “Ugh, Leighton and I decided to have a lazy weekend.” She says as she snuggles further into her blanket.

  “Exactly,” I say from my place on the couch. “Go hang with Aidan.”

  “Oh, what? I’m not invited? That’s bullshit.” She plops on the sofa next to me and pulls her jacket off. “I just came from hanging out with Aidan. I figured we’d do something tonight.”

  “Well, this is what I plan on doing,” I say as I point at the television.

  “Everett leave any more gifts today?” She looks at Peyton and then around the room to see if he’d sent anything else. I have at least three dozen assorted flowers around the room that I don’t have the heart to throw away…but I also don’t have the stomach to keep them in my room either. All his gifts do is remind me that we aren’t speaking. That he’s left a huge hole in my chest that I’ve spent a week trying to fill.

>   Speaking of which.

  “Are there any more cupcakes?” I look up and Skyler and Peyton share a look. “Did you guys eat the rest?”

  “I’ll order you more!” Skyler says, opening up her phone and frantically pressing some buttons, probably because she assumes I’m pissed that she and Peyton tore into my treats that Everett sent.

  “Don’t bring that shit in here. I had to work out another hour every day this week thanks to those little fuckers.”

  “Well, no one told you to eat four.”

  “They’re crack!” Peyton looks at Skyler before falling back on the couch. “Order some more red velvets.”

  “He did text me again.” I tell them.

  “What did it say?” Skyler asks.

  “Thinking about you.” I close my eyes, staring at the ceiling as a tear slides down my temple and into my hair. I snort and shake my head “Funny, because I can’t stop thinking about him.”

  “Leigh…” Skyler grabs my leg and rubs it under my blanket. “I’m going to go change, and then we can order some food?”

  Skyler heads out of the room and I look over at Peyton. “Am I being a bitch for not responding?” My lips form a straight line as I realize what I asked and more importantly who I asked. “Right. Know my audience.”

  She flips me off before sitting up. “You’re not being a bitch; you did ask for space. But I also know you do love him, so I don’t think responding would hurt. Maybe you could just say ‘same.’” She shrugs. “But I know you’re worried about getting sucked back in. I know you can get wrapped up in the whirlwind, but you’re in control of this situation, Leigh. Only you can decide what’s right for you. When you talk, if you decide to meet up, if you take him back. But, I will say, all of this back and forth isn’t healthy. If you take him back again, you need to say the past is in the past and take everything that comes in stride. Accept his faults and his mistakes and forgive. Maybe it’ll be hard to forget, or even impossible, but you have to forgive. You can’t punish him forever.”

  I’m shocked at Peyton’s insight and she rolls her eyes at my shock that I know is written all over my face. “Don’t look at me like that. I do take some things seriously. Just because I don’t have any interest in being in a relationship doesn’t mean I wouldn’t know how to be in one.”

  After a weekend of vegging out on my couch with my two best friends, I don’t feel anything except a few pounds heavier in my stomach and in my heart. I’m walking through campus, my earbuds jammed in my ears, as the sounds of Britney Spears Toxic blare through them. I close my eyes and it’s almost like I’m back at my senior prom dancing with Everett in that gorgeous ballroom in the hotel in downtown Phoenix. We’d decided to go together our senior year when neither of us wanted to take a date. We spent the night dancing and laughing and sweating and then fucking in a hotel that we’d convinced our parents it would be much easier to stay at instead of coming home after the after party. A party that we’d ditched anyway.

  How had I not noticed then that he loved me? Looking back, the signs were all there. The way he touched me and looked at me and cared for me. His love for me was so obvious that I feel stupid for not noticing it sooner. If I had, we would have avoided this whole situation. There’d be no Alli, no baby, no breakup. I pull my bag up higher on my shoulder and my eyes scan the South quad for Peyton or Skyler. I’m supposed to meet them for lunch, but I don’t see them anywhere. I sit at a table by myself, setting my stuff next to me and letting my head fall in my hands as my elbows rest on the table. A cool April breeze whips through the air and I feel a chill shoot through me. I pull my coat tighter around me, grateful that I’d brought it despite the promise of sixty-degree weather today. God D.C. weather is fickle. I miss Arizona. Everything about Arizona.

  I look around the quad again looking for either of my friends when I spot him at a table far away, staring straight at me. I turn away from him, the tears springing to my eyes and not being prepared to see him. Especially now. Makeup-less, my hair pulled into a messy, dirty bun, and a sweatshirt under my coat that I may have slept in last night.

  Not that Everett cares. Every time Everett’s ever told me how beautiful I am, how perfect I am, how he’s never seen anything so beautiful comes flying into my brain like a montage and my heart flutters. I turn my head back towards the table and frown when I don’t see him there anymore. I turn over my other shoulder, looking for him and for a moment I wonder if maybe he wasn’t ever there. Perhaps I’d imagined him and my mind was just playing tricks on me.

  “Looking for me? Sorry, I’m so late. I had to stay after and talk to my professor.” Peyton pushes her sunglasses to her head and sits down across from me, pulling out her Smartwater and a burger from the dining hall. “Shit, it’s cold out here though. Wanna eat inside?”

  Fuck, she looked pretty, I think as I head off the South quad. It had taken everything in me not to go over and talk to her, but when she turned away from me, I took it as a sign that she definitely didn’t want to talk.

  Is she done with me for good?

  I saw her shiver when the wind blew, and I wanted nothing more than to warm her up in my arms. I’m heading towards my car when my phone rings. I let my head fall back when I see who’s calling and reluctantly answer. These days I screen her and let her text me if it’s really important, after the last two calls were just calling to say hey and do you want to grab dinner and talk?

  “Hey, Alli.”

  “Hey, Everett. Listen, I have a doctor’s appointment next week, I was wondering if you’d be able to go with me?

  “Yeah, I…I think that’s a good idea.” I close my eyes and hear my dad’s words in my ear. He was skeptical but until I have proof that the child isn’t mine, I need to step up.

  “Great, thank you,” she says and then she’s silent.

  “Was there something else?” I ask her, already regretting asking because I know it’s going to be something that involves meeting up now.

  “Well…yeah, I just…I was wondering if you were busy right now?”

  “Yes,” I tell her, “I have to study.”

  “Well, we could study together or…”

  “No, I’m heading home, and I just want to be by myself.”

  “Oh…I mean, you can just say you’re hanging out with Leighton. You don’t have to lie.” She chuckles nervously.

  “Leighton and I are taking some time apart.” As soon as I say it, I don’t know why I told her that. Maybe because I want her to know the chaos she’s brought to my life. Or that we both brought to my life. Maybe a part of me feels like she should feel bad, or that I want her to feel guilty.

  I know I need to stop thinking that this is her fault when it isn’t. But in the deep dark crevices of my mind, I do feel like that. I blame her, myself, and everyone for this shitty situation that has taken over my life and cost me Leighton as well as my goddamn sanity.

  “Oh. I didn’t know.”

  “Well, now you do.”

  “Do you want to talk about it?”

  “No, I don’t. And you don’t want to hear about it, so I don’t know why you’re asking. You just want to stick your nose where it doesn’t belong. Or I don’t know relish in the fact that Leighton is hurting and you hate her.”

  “You make me sound like a monster, Everett. I’m not that mean.” My lips form a straight line as I think about the fact that she’s right. She isn’t mean, per se. She hates Leighton because she’s the girl I cheated on her with. Alli hates her because, even before she learned of my infidelity, she knew that Leighton was the most important woman in my life by a landslide.

  So, I guess her hate is warranted.

  “Sorry, I don’t think you’re a monster. I’m just not in the mood to talk.”

  “Okay.” She relents. “Well, if you change your mind, let me know.”

  “Fine…” I swallow and look to the sky, praying for patience or peace or tolerance or whatever a higher power could grant me to get me off the phone now. “Tha
nk you.”

  “Talk to you later,” she says and she hangs up before I can say another word.

  Now, you listen to my prayers.

  One Month Later

  “I can’t believe you’re letting me drag you out tonight!” Peyton cheers as she bounces up and down, her blonde waves blowing in the slight wind. We are walking down Main Street towards this bar that’s offering two for one shots from nine to eleven in honor of the last week of classes. Finals don’t start until next week, so I’m allowing myself one night to cut loose before I hole up in the library for the better part of next week. Not that I really need to. The one benefit of breaking up with Everett and also my own heart, is I’ve been studying my ass off. I don’t do much but eat, sleep, and study. I started conditioning for the upcoming fall season for soccer last week, but other than that I don’t do much else. This is the first time I’ve been out in weeks and I’ll admit it feels good. “Sky is so jealous.”

  “Somehow I doubt that.” I tuck a curled hair behind my ear. “Skyler is holed up at some bed and breakfast in Virginia with her hot boyfriend, getting the shit fucked out of her. Somehow, I don’t think she cares that we’re going out.” I roll my eyes and smooth down my dress. It’s hotter than hell even at nine-thirty, and I’m glad I decided against bringing a jacket. My back is out, my legs are out, and though my tits are covered, Peyton told me I look thoroughly fuckable. Normally, I would send a picture to Everett, but I settled for posting something on my Instagram story that shows I’m going out, and more importantly what I’m wearing.