The Christmas Baby Bonus

by Yvonne Lindsay

  “No, you didn’t. Why is that, Faye? What has you so scared that you’ll distance yourself from me like this? Seriously, resigning from your position here is ludicrous. You don’t have another job to go to, do you?”

  She shook her head. “I can’t stay, Piers. I can’t do this anymore.”

  “Why not? Why won’t you open up to me and tell me what is holding you back? Until I know what I’m dealing with, I’m in the dark. I don’t know how to fix things between us.”

  “That’s half the issue. There can’t be any us. I’ve told you over and over again. Why won’t you listen to me?”

  The note of sheer desperation in her voice made him take a step back and give her space. But hadn’t he done enough of that since she’d left him in Wyoming? They’d made love, damn it. Love. It was so much more than just sex. They’d shared something special, something that should have drawn them closer than ever, not driven an insurmountable wedge between them.

  He knew she was hurting. He could see it in every line of her beautiful features, in the shadows that lingered in her expressive eyes, not to mention in the rigid lines in which she held her body. Somehow he needed to take action, to help her face the fear that was holding her in its claws, so she could face up to the feelings he knew she had for him.

  A woman like Faye didn’t just give herself to a man on a whim. The fact that she’d been a virgin the night they’d made love had been irrefutable proof of that. Right now, he was terrified he was on the verge of losing the only woman he’d ever truly loved, but what could he do? He was working in the dark, grasping at straws. He hated that he couldn’t just bark a command and have everything fall into place, but he was prepared to keep working at this. If Faye still wanted to leave Luckman Developments after this, that was fine, but he couldn’t let her leave him.

  He had four weeks to somehow change her mind and Piers knew without a single doubt that it would be the toughest negotiation of his entire life.

  * * *

  Six days later he had his answers. The wait had almost driven him crazy, especially loaded on top of the growing pile of recommended applicants for Faye’s position. But now he knew and he hoped like hell that somewhere in this information delivered privately to his home tonight, he’d have the answer to why Faye was so determined to keep her distance from him.

  The reading was sobering. Her background began like so many other people’s. Solo, hardworking mom—no father on the scene. A lifestyle he would have considered underprivileged when he was a kid, but now realized was likely rich in nonmaterial things like love and consistency. Faye’s mom married when Faye was about thirteen and, from all accounts, the little family was very happy together. A happiness that, according to the report, grew when Faye’s baby brother was born. Piers flipped through the notes, looking for the baby’s name. Ah, there it was. Henry. The name he’d heard her whisper through the baby monitor last week. Things were starting to fall into place now.

  It appeared the family had been involved in a tragic wreck on Christmas Eve. Faye had been the only survivor. Details about the wreck were scarce and Piers had an instinct that there was a great deal more to the event than the brief description on the file. He could understand why losing her entire family in one night would make a person put up walls. But surely those walls couldn’t hold forever.

  Piers skimmed the rest of the report, reading the summary of her time in foster care and her subsequent acceptance into college. At least she hadn’t suffered financial hardship. Her stepdad had been very astute with his finances and her mom had been putting savings aside in a college fund from the day Faye had been born. Following the crash, all the assets had been consolidated. By the time the family home had been sold and life insurances paid out, and after three years of sound management by the executor of her family’s estate, Faye had had quite a healthy little nest egg to set her up for her adult life.

  He closed the file with a snap. Words. That’s all it was. Nothing in there gave him a true insight into why Faye was so hell-bent on leaving him. Yes, yes, he could see the similarities between Casey and her brother Henry. He understood Casey was the same age as her brother had been when he’d died. He could, partially at least, understand why she’d steered clear of involvement with his soon-to-be adopted son. But to keep herself aloof from love and from children for the rest of her life? It was living half a life. No, it was even less than that.

  Piers locked the file in a drawer in his home office. Somehow he had to find a way to peel away the protective layers Faye had gathered around her to get her to show him what truly lay in her heart. His future happiness, and hers, depended on it.

  * * *

  It was the kind of day where logic went to hell in a handbasket. Pretty much everything that could go wrong, did. Two new projects being quoted by contractors had come in way over the estimated budgets and asbestos had been found on another site, which had shut the operation down until the material could be safely removed.

  Faye and Piers had been juggling balls and spinning plates all day, and it was nearly 8:00 p.m. when their phones stopped ringing.

  Faye leaned back in her office chair and sighed heavily. “Do you think that’s it? Have we put out enough fires for one day?”

  “Enough for a year, I’d say. I want an inquiry into how those estimates were so far off track—”

  “Already started,” she said succinctly.

  It was one of the first things she’d requested when the issue had arisen at the start of the day.

  “I love that about you,” Piers said suddenly.

  Faye looked at him in shock. “I beg your pardon?”

  “Your ability to anticipate my needs.”

  “Hmm,” she responded noncommittally.

  She looked away and refreshed the email on her screen, hoping something new had arisen that might distract her from what she suspected would be another less than subtle attempt to get her to change her mind about leaving.

  “Faye, what would it take to make you stay?”

  And there it is. She closed her eyes and silently prayed for strength.

  “Nothing.”

  “Would love make you stay?”

  “Love? No, why?”

  “I love you.”

  “You love what I can do for you. Don’t confuse that with love,” she said as witheringly as she could manage.

  Inside, though, she was a mess. He loved her? No. He couldn’t. He only thought he loved her because she was probably the first person ever to say a flat-out no to him, and he loved a challenge. Of course he wanted her. And once he had her he’d lose interest because that’s the way things went. Either that or he’d realize he never loved her, anyway.

  Would that be so bad? her inner voice asked.

  Of course not, she scoffed. She wasn’t interested in love. Ever.

  Liar.

  “You think I don’t know what love is? That’s interesting,” Piers continued undeterred. “You know what I think, Faye?”

  She sighed theatrically but continued staring at her computer screen. “Whether I want to know or not, I’m sure you’re going to tell me, aren’t you?”

  She heard him get up from his chair and move across the office to stand right beside her. Strong, warm hands descended on her shoulders and turned her chair so she faced him.

  “I think you’re too scared to love again.”

  “Again?”

  “Yes, again. I’m pretty certain you have loved, and loved deeply. I’m also pretty certain you’ve been incredibly hurt. Faye, not wanting to take a risk on love is a genuine shame. I never really knew what love felt like, aside from the brotherly bond Quin and I shared. But now I think I’ve finally learned what love is.”

  “You seem to think you know a lot about me,” she said. Her words were stilted and a knot tightened deep in her ch
est. She had a feeling she really wasn’t going to like what he was about to say next so she decided to go on the attack instead. “Piers, please don’t kid yourself that you love me. You’re just attempting to manipulate me into staying because that’s what would make your life easier.”

  He genuinely looked shocked at her words. “That’s the second time recently you’ve made your perception of me clear—and I haven’t been happy with the picture you’ve painted either time. Tell me, Faye. Is that why you slept with me back at the lodge? Because it meant nothing to you and because you thought it would mean nothing to me?”

  His words robbed all the breath from her lungs. Wow, when he wanted to strike a low blow he really knew how and where to strike, didn’t he? That night had meant everything to her, but she wasn’t about to tell him that. It would only give him more ammunition in this crazy war of his against her defenses.

  Faye pushed against the floor and skidded her chair back a little. She stood. “I don’t need to take this from you. I’m leaving, remember?”

  “And you’re still running.”

  “Oh, for goodness’ sake! Will you stop it with the running comments? So I choose to remove myself from situations I’m uncomfortable with. That’s not a crime.”

  “No, it’s not a crime.” He closed the distance between them. “Unless by doing so you continue to hurt yourself and anyone who cares about you every time you do it. Faye, you can’t keep living half a life. Your family would never have wanted that for you.”

  An arctic chill ran through her veins, freezing her in place and stealing away every thought.

  “M-my family? What do you know of my family?”

  The sense of anxiety she’d felt before had nothing on the dark hole slowly consuming her from the inside right now. Aside from the police, she’d never spoken to anyone about exactly what had happened on the night of the wreck. How could he know? Why would he?

  Piers’s next words were everything she’d dreaded and more. “I know everything. I’m so sorry for your loss.”

  His beautiful dark eyes reflected his deep compassion but she didn’t want to see it. Even so, she remained trapped in the moment. Ensnared by his words, by his caring.

  “Everything, huh?” she asked bitterly. “Did you know I killed them? That I was the one behind the wheel that night? I killed them all.” She threw the words at him harshly, the constriction of her throat leaving her voice raw.

  Shock splintered across his handsome features.

  “I thought as much,” she continued bitterly. “That information wasn’t in any report you could commission because it was sealed. So, how much do you love me now that you know I’m a murderer?”

  Piers shoved a hand through his hair. His brows drew into a straight line, twin creases forming between them. “How can you say you’re a murderer? You know you didn’t deliberately kill anyone. It was an accident.”

  “Was it? I’m the one who pestered my stepdad to let me drive that night. Mom didn’t want me to. She said it was too icy on the road, that I didn’t have the experience. But my stepdad said experience was the only way I’d learn.”

  “Even so, from what I read, the gas tanker skidded on the road, not you. You didn’t stand a chance.”

  Her mouth twisted as she remembered seeing the tanker coming toward them, relived the moment it jackknifed and began its uncontrollable slide toward their car. She’d been petrified. She’d had no idea what to do, how to avoid the inevitable.

  “You’re right, I didn’t. But when it happened, I froze—I didn’t know what to do. If my stepdad had driven instead... If I’d listened to my mom...” Faye’s voice broke and she dragged in a ragged breath before continuing. “If I’d listened to my mom, we might all have been alive today.”

  “You don’t know that.”

  “No, I’ll never know that. The one thing I do know is that my decisions that night killed my family. And that’s something I can never forget or forgive myself for. My stepdad and my brother died instantly. Henry was only three and a half months old. Don’t you think he deserved to grow up, to have a life? And my mom—I can still hear her screams when I try to sleep at night. The only reason I didn’t burn to death right along with her was because people pulled me from the wreck before the flames took complete hold of the car.”

  “Your scars,” Piers said softly. “They’re from the fire?”

  Faye nodded. “So you see, I’m not worth loving.”

  “Everyone deserves to be loved, Faye. You more than anyone, if only for what you’ve been through. Don’t you think you’ve paid enough? You need to learn to forgive yourself and rid yourself of the guilt that is keeping you from living.”

  “I live. That’s my punishment.”

  He shook his head emphatically. “You exist. That’s not living. The night we shared at the lodge—that was living. That was reveling in life, not this empty shell of subsistence you endure every day. Take a risk, Faye. Accept my love for you. Learn to love me.”

  She’d begun to tremble under the force of emotion in his words.

  “I can’t. I can’t care. I won’t.”

  “Why?” He pressed her.

  “If I love someone again, I’ll lose them. Can’t you see? I did try to love after the crash. I cared for every baby that came into the foster home as if every single one of them was my chance to redeem myself for what I did to Henry. I poured my love and care into each one and you know what happened? Each and every one of them was taken from me again. Either they were re-homed or they were returned to their parents. Every. Single. Time—I lost my baby brother all over again.” Faye hesitated and drew on every last ounce of strength she possessed. “So you’ll forgive me if I don’t ever want to love again.”

  Thirteen

  Piers watched as she retrieved her bag from her bottom drawer and slung the strap over her shoulder. She still shook and her face was so very pale that her freckles stood out in harsh relief against her skin.

  “Now, if you don’t need me for anything else tonight, I’d like to go home.”

  He looked at her, desperate to haul her into his arms, to hold her and to reassure her that she didn’t need to be alone anymore. That if she could only let go of that cloak of protection she’d pulled around her emotions and let him inside, everything would be all right. But even he couldn’t guarantee that, could he? Accepting that fact was a painful realization. But even so, he was willing to take that chance because surely the reward far outweighed the possibility it would all go wrong?

  “Faye, please, hear me out.”

  “Again?”

  “For the last time. Please. After this, I’ll let you go, if that’s what you truly want me to do.”

  He saw the muscles working in the slender column of her throat, saw the tension that gripped her body in the set of her shoulders and her rigid stance.

  “Fine. Say your piece.”

  “Look, I know I’ve had a charmed life compared to yours. I never wanted for anything. But in all my years growing up, those people who professed to love me—my own mom and dad—never showed any hint that their emotions went below the surface. Quin and I had each other, but we were just trophies to our parents. Either something to show off or something for our parents to fight about.

  “I thought I was okay with that. That I could live my life like that. But it wasn’t until Quin died that I began to take a good, long, hard look at myself and I didn’t like what I saw anymore. In fact, I think Quin’s thrill-seeking lifestyle was a direct result of how he coped with our parents’ inability to express or feel genuine love for us, as well.

  “His whole life he pushed the envelope. He took extreme risks in everything he did. Someone would climb a tree—he’d climb a taller one. Someone would ski a black-diamond trail—he’d go off piste. Right up until he died, he was searching for som
ething. Whether it was praise or acceptance or even, just simply, love or a sense that he was deserving of love—I’ll never know. But I do know that his dying taught me a valuable lesson about life. It’s worth living, Faye, and in living it you have to make room for love because, if you don’t, what are we doing on this earth?”

  Was he getting through to her? She made no move to leave. In fact, was that a shimmer of tears in those blue-gray eyes of hers? Sensing he might have created a crack in her armor, he decided to continue to drive whatever kind of wedge in that chink that he possibly could.

  “Do you know why I’m so crazy about Christmas?” When she rolled her eyes and shook her head, he continued. “I’ve spent my whole adult life trying to create a sense of family and to experience what Christmas can be all about. My family may have been wealthy, but we were so fractured. Dad living most of his retirement playing golf around the gators in Florida, Mom in New York. While they remain married, they’ve lived separate lives ever since Quin and I were carted off to boarding school. For the longest time I thought that was normal! Can you imagine it? Six years old and thinking that was how everyone did it?”

  “I’m sorry, Piers. So sorry you didn’t know a parents’ love.” Faye spoke softly, and he could see her understanding, feel her sympathy as if it was a physical thing reaching out to fill the empty spaces inside him.

  “Then you’ll understand when I say this. I want more than what I had growing up. I want Casey to have that, too. Quin’s son will never know another minute where he isn’t loved. And that’s what I want, too, and I want to have it with you, Faye. I love you. I want you in my life, my arms, my bed.”

  He drew in a breath and let it out in a shudder. “But it has to be all or nothing. I don’t want you to come to me with any part of you locked away. I’m prepared to lay everything on the line for you because I want you to be a part of the family I’m trying to create, the future I want to have. I will help you and support you and love you every day for the rest of my life—if you’ll let me.