The Christmas Baby Bonus

by Yvonne Lindsay

“So, what’s it to be? Are you going to take what’s freely and openly offered to you? Will you take a chance on me and on yourself, and let yourself be happy?”

  Faye just stood there, staring at him. Piers willed her to respond, willed her to say something. Anything. Hope leaped like a bright flame in his chest when she took a step toward him. This was it. This was when she would accept the offer of his heart and hopes and his promises for their future. Then she hesitated. Her head dropped.

  “I can’t.”

  She walked away and, despite every instinct in his body screaming at him to stop her, he let her go. He had to. He’d understood what she was doing when she took that single step toward him. She’d wanted him to meet her halfway. But in this, he had to know she was totally committed. It wasn’t just his happiness that was at stake here, nor just hers. It was Casey’s, too, and if she couldn’t commit wholeheartedly, then they were destined to fail.

  He hadn’t realized letting her go could hurt so much.

  * * *

  After a night fraught with lack of sleep and an irritable teething baby to boot, Piers wasn’t surprised to arrive in the office to discover a message for him from HR saying that Faye had requested urgent personal leave in lieu of working out the rest of her notice. He hated to admit it, but her decision was probably for the best. It would be absolute torture to be around her every day knowing that she’d closed the door on any chance of them having a future together.

  He set to dealing with the fallout from the problems that had arisen the day before and, with every call, every email, every decision, he missed her more and more. It wasn’t just her ability to do her job as well as he did his, nor her intuition when it came to what he needed. It was, quite simply, her. All through the day he found himself staring at her empty desk, or starting to say something to her only to realize she wasn’t there. Nor would she be, ever again.

  Had he been wrong to push her? A part of him agreed that he most definitely was every kind of fool. Surely half having her was better than not having her at all? But the other part of him, the part that still remained after the poor little rich boy had grown up, knew that he deserved more than that. And so did she. By her own admission, she didn’t want what he could offer her. She didn’t want his love or his soon-to-be adopted son. She didn’t want the security he could offer her. The prospect of more children. She didn’t want him, period.

  He was at the end of his tether by day’s end and decided it was time to head home. There was no need to work late tonight. He’d dismiss Laurie, who was caring for Casey at the office this week, and take the baby home.

  Piers was at the door of his office when his cell phone vibrated in his pocket. He slid it out and, not recognizing the number, debated diverting the call to voice mail. But something prompted him to accept it.

  “Mr. Luckman? This is Bruce Duncan from the lab. We have the results of the DNA testing you requested.”

  “That was quick. I wasn’t expecting them for another week at least.”

  “Your assistant requested we handle the testing as promptly as possible. I understand there is an adoption in process?”

  “Yes, that’s right. My brother’s son.”

  “Ah,” Bruce Duncan said on a long sigh. “The results are quite clear on that. I’m sorry to inform you that the infant being tested is not your brother’s son.”

  Piers staggered under the shock of the man’s words. Not Quin’s son? At the back of his mind he’d known it was a possibility, but he’d convinced himself that Casey was Quin’s flesh and blood.

  “Mr. Luckman? Are you still there?”

  “Yes, yes. I’m here. And you’re absolutely certain about that?” His voice was raw but not as raw as his bleeding heart.

  Duncan began to rattle on about markers and strands and all manner of technical data to support the bombshell he’d just dropped, but it all just washed over Piers until Duncan made one last statement.

  “The results are conclusive. The infant has no biological link to your family.”

  “Thank you,” Piers managed to say through a jaw clenched against the pain that washed over him. “Please send the final report to my office addressed to my attention.”

  After receiving an assurance that a copy was already on its way, Piers severed the call. He put one hand against the door frame and leaned heavily against it. He’d said it didn’t matter, that he’d go ahead with the adoption anyway—and he would—but the knowledge that he now had nothing left of Quin scored across his heart like a tiger’s claw.

  Losing his brother had come as such a shock, and the hope that Quin had left something of himself behind had buoyed Piers along these past several weeks. He hadn’t realized how much it had lifted the pall of grief he’d carried with him since Quin’s death. Or how much it had eased the shock of realization that his carefree brother was not as bulletproof as they both had always thought. That Piers now was, for all intents and purposes, alone.

  He would have to let his lawyer know, although it would not change his wishes about the adoption process. But Casey’s real father, if he could be found, would need to be notified. The whole process could open up a whole new can of worms. The thought of making that call right now was a mountain too far for him. Piers pushed off from the frame, straightened his shoulders and headed down the hall toward Casey’s nursery.

  Laurie looked up from where she was playing with the baby on the floor.

  “Look, here’s your daddy!” she cooed to the squirming infant on the play mat on the floor. “Just in time to see what a clever boy you are.”

  Laurie looked up from the baby and smiled at Piers. “He’s coming along so well, Mr. Luckman. You must be so proud. His hand/eye coordination is improving every day. He can strike the hanging toys and even grip them at will from time to time.”

  “That’s wonderful, Laurie.”

  “Mr. Luckman, is everything okay? You sound different.”

  Piers forced a smile to his face. “Just a little tired, is all. This little tyke had me up a few times last night.”

  “Oh, was Jeremy not on duty?”

  “His wife had an early appointment to follow up on her injury from last week. I gave him the night off.”

  “Well, you know if you need me, I’m more than happy to take an extra duty. I just adore this little man. He’s such a joy to care for.”

  “Thank you, Laurie, but we’ll be okay. Jeremy is back on duty tonight. I’m finishing early for the day. You can head on home now.”

  Laurie quickly finished straightening the nursery while Piers settled on the floor with Casey. The moment he sat beside the little boy, the baby turned his head toward him and began to babble and pump his legs in excitement.

  “He knows you,” Laurie said with an indulgent smile. “He’s always so happy to see you.”

  Some of the pain that had cut him so viciously at the news from the lab, eased a little. He scooped his wee charge up into his arms and held him close. As if sensing Piers’s need for comfort, Casey settled immediately, his little thumb finding its way into his mouth and his head nestling under Piers’s chin.

  Child of his blood or not, he loved this little boy so very much. No matter what, he would fight to keep him.

  * * *

  Faye sat in the rental car opposite the house that had been her home for most of her childhood. With the engine still running and the heater blasting hot air into the car’s cabin, she should have been warm. Instead she felt as though a solid lump of ice had solidified deep inside her. Coming here had been a mistake. She wouldn’t find any answers here. There was no resolution to be found. Her family was gone.

  She let her eyes drift over the house that was obviously still very much a home. It was still well-kept. The walk had been shoveled clear of snow and the driveway looked as though a car had been on it recently. Lig
hts burned at the downstairs windows, glowing welcomingly from inside. She looked up to the window that had once been hers and wondered who slept in that room now. Did they stare out that window at night and gaze at the stars, wondering where life would lead them?

  Did they ever imagine that everything could be torn away from them in an instant? That they could lose everything they held dear?

  A movement at the window caught her eye. A woman, with a small child on her hip, moved from room to room downstairs and tugged the drapes closed. Cutting the coziness of their world off from the harsh winter night outside.

  Faye swallowed against the lump in her throat. There was nothing to see here. Nothing to gain.

  Life moved on.

  But you haven’t.

  That pesky small voice was back. She put the car in gear and eased away from the curb, not really knowing what she’d been looking for. The only thing she was sure of right now was that whatever it was, it wasn’t here anymore.

  She’d thought coming back to Michigan, to her hometown, would give her a sense of closure. She’d visited with her foster parents, who’d now retired, and they’d been glad to see her—proud of her achievements in the years since she’d left their care. She’d even caught up on the phone with her old friend, Brenda, from high school. The only one who hadn’t awkwardly withdrawn from her and her grief when she’d finally returned to class.

  At the time, Faye had felt as though she was being justifiably punished by the other children. No wonder they’d shunned her. After all, they hadn’t killed their parents and siblings, had they? They still lived their lives. Went to sport or band practice. Went to one another’s houses to do homework and eat junk food and watch movies together. But looking back now, she realized she’d been to blame for most of the distance that had widened between her and her friends. They’d had little to no experience with death and loss, especially on the scale Faye had endured. And, subsequently, they’d had no idea of what to say, or how to cope with her withdrawal from them. Only Brenda had tried to maintain their friendship up until they’d gone their separate ways to college.

  She was due at Brenda’s for dinner soon, Faye realized as she got to the end of the street and came to a halt at a stop sign. She started to roll forward, only to slam on her brakes as a large tanker bore down the cross street toward her. Her tires slipped on the icy road. Her heart began to race in her chest. She slid to a halt, the tanker continuing past her completely oblivious to the turmoil that rolled and pitched inside her.

  An impatient honk of a horn behind her made Faye force herself to concentrate, to continue through the intersection and to keep on driving. To overcome her fright and to keep on going. And wasn’t that what she’d done every day since that night?

  Be honest with yourself. You haven’t kept going. You’ve been hiding. Running. Just like Piers said.

  “Damn it!” she muttered out loud. “Stop that.”

  Refusing to listen anymore to her inner voice, Faye focused on the drive to Brenda’s house. It wasn’t far from where Brenda had grown up, the house where her parents still lived—a blessing since Brenda’s mom and dad cared for her little ones while she worked in her role as a busy family medicine doctor at a local practice. Faye had been surprised to hear that her career-focused friend now had two small children and a husband who adored her. By the sounds of things, her life was chaotic and full, and everything she’d never known she always wanted. And most of all, from talking with Brenda on the phone yesterday, it had been obvious that despite the chaos, her life was filled with love.

  Faye drew to a halt outside Brenda’s house and got out of the car. The front door flung open, sending warmth and light flooding onto the front porch.

  “Come on in!” Brenda urged. “It’s freezing out there.”

  The moment Faye was on the porch she was enveloped in a huge hug.

  “Oh, I’ve missed you! I’m so glad you called,” her old friend sighed happily in her ear.

  She led Faye inside and introduced her to her husband and eighteen-month-old identical twin boys.

  Faye felt tears prick at her eyes as she looked at the dark-haired miniatures of their father. Was this what Piers and Quin had been like as kids? she wondered. She shoved the thought aside. Piers had been on her mind constantly since she’d walked away from him that night, even though she’d tried her hardest not to think about him.

  Despite her attempts to remain aloof, Faye was quickly drawn into the chaos of the young family, and when Brenda’s husband went to put the boys to bed after dinner, Brenda led her into the sitting room where they perched on the sofa together.

  “So, tell me. What have you been doing with yourself? And this isn’t a general inquiry. This is me with my doctor’s hat on. Something’s not right, is it?”

  “I’m fine. I’ve been working hard lately. You know how it is.”

  Brenda reached out and squeezed Faye’s hand. “It’s more than just work, isn’t it? How did you cope this last Christmas? Was it as awful for you as it used to be?”

  Faye started to brush off Brenda’s concern but then somewhere along the line the words began to fall from her mouth. She told her old friend all about the lodge and having to decorate it. Brenda had laughed, but in a sympathetic way and urged her to keep talking. When she got to the part where she’d found Casey, Brenda was incredulous.

  “How could anyone do something like that? The risks were terrible. He could have died!”

  “In her defense, she waited until I was there before she left. To be honest, I don’t think she was in a rational state of mind.”

  Brenda shook her head. “I’ve seen a lot of sad cases but this really makes me wonder about people’s choices. There are so many avenues for help available if people would only ask.”

  “But sometimes it’s too hard to ask. Sometimes it’s easier just to keep it all in and deal with it however you can.”

  Brenda looked at her carefully. “We’re not talking about the abandoned baby anymore, are we?”

  Faye tried to steer Brenda’s interest in another direction but her friend wasn’t having any of it.

  “Did you ever have any counseling after the accident, Faye?”

  “I didn’t need counseling. I knew what I’d done. I learned to deal with it.”

  “Deal with it, yes. But accept it? Move on from it?”

  “Of course,” Faye insisted, but even as she spoke she knew the words were a lie.

  “I’m worried about you,” Brenda said softly. She moved closer and took both of Faye’s hands in hers. “You can talk to me, Faye. I know we haven’t been close in years but I know what you went through. I watched you withdraw from everyone more and more until no one could reach you. I should have said something then, but we were still so young and clueless. So busy with what we were doing.”

  “There’s no shame in that. Everyone had their life to live,” Faye said in defense.

  “As did you.” Brenda gently squeezed Faye’s fingers. “Think about it. If you want to see someone while you’re here, I know several really good grief counselors. It’s time you took your life back, Faye. You can’t remain a victim of that dreadful accident forever.”

  Faye wanted to protest. Wanted to insist that this was her cross to bear. But then she thought about the new family living in the house where she’d grown up. Thought about Brenda and her busy life and her growing family. Thought about Piers’s comment about what her family would have wanted for her.

  Suddenly it was too hard to hold on to the guilt and the responsibility she’d borne on her shoulders for all this time. She felt a tremor rack her body, then another, and then the tears began to fall.

  Brenda gathered her into her arms and held her as she wept. At some stage Brenda’s husband entered the room but a fierce look from his wife sent him straight back out again. Eventually
, Faye regained some semblance of control of her wayward emotions.

  “I’m sorry,” she said, blowing her nose on a wad of tissues Brenda had thrust into her hand. “I didn’t come here to cry on your shoulder.”

  “I’m glad you did. You’ve needed it for far too long.”

  Her friend looked at her with concern in her eyes and a small frown creasing her forehead. “So, about that counselor?”

  Faye found herself nodding. “Okay, yes. I think it’s time.”

  “You won’t regret it,” Brenda said firmly, giving her hand another squeeze. “Now, let’s go have a coffee and rescue Adam from the kitchen.”

  “Thank you, Bren. I mean that. I’ve missed you.”

  Her friend smiled back. “I’ve missed you, too. I’m glad you’re back.”

  And she was. For the first time in forever, Faye felt as though she really was fighting her way back.

  Fourteen

  Piers hung up the phone and felt his body sag in relief. The adoption petition had been reviewed by the judge and his lawyer had assured him that despite the DNA findings two months ago, the adoption should still proceed unhindered.

  Casey’s mom had signed the papers and there’d been no protest from her family. Her ex had been tracked down in prison in Montana and had given his written and notarized statement that he wanted nothing to do with the baby. In fact, he had gone to great lengths to insist Casey wasn’t his child and had refused to allow his DNA to be compared. Everything remained on the fast track his lawyer had promised.

  Except he didn’t feel as though he was on track at all. He felt as though he’d been derailed completely and he didn’t quite know how to fill the chasm of Faye’s absence. He’d tried to call her, if only to check on her to ensure she was okay, but there’d been no answer at her apartment and his calls to her cell had gone straight to voice mail. If he didn’t think she was simply avoiding him, he would have asked his people to track her down. But surely he’d have heard by now if something had happened to her.

  He tried to tell himself it wasn’t his problem, but he couldn’t let go of the concern. You didn’t just turn love off like a faucet.