Witch Glitch

by Robyn Peterman

  If this was some sick-o sexual thing, I was leaving.

  "Surprise!" Baba Yaga trilled as she got to her feet and took a bow.

  She looked like a reject from a Duran Duran music video. Baba Yaga was sporting enough hairspray to rip a thousand holes into the ozone layer. For such an exquisitely beautiful woman, her taste was appalling.

  "Wonderful!" Hildy squealed. "However, it still can't beat the time you flew in on a fire breathing dragon wearing sequined booty shorts and feathers."

  Baba paused and considered.

  I held my breath. No one back talked the Yaga. No one.

  "Oh my Goddess," Baba Yaga remembered with glee. "I'd forgotten. That was at least a hundred and seventy-five years ago. I was brilliant!"

  "Darling, you're still brilliant," Hildy told her lovingly. "The chains are an interesting touch."

  "Ahhhhh, Hildy my friend, I've missed you so. And the chains are not a touch. They are a necessity. However, I'll get to that in a moment."

  Baba Yaga conjured up an iron pole in the center of my bedroom and attached the leash to it. The warlocks shuddered in terror and huddled together. What in hell was going on?

  "First things first," Baba muttered as hiked her boob tube up and rubbed her hands together.

  Her long beautifully manicured fingers traced patterns in the air and I watched in awe. Small bright blasts of fire danced around her head and shoulders as she closed her eyes and swayed gently to the earth's rhythm. I worried for a brief moment whether the hairspray would go up in flames along with all of us, but figured she had it covered. She was serene, beautiful and a little bit scary. I was watching the MVP of the big leagues. Her voice was clear and loud and I felt it all the way to my toes.

  “Deep in the darkness there will always be light

  Bring to me Goddess, your power so bright

  Give the spirit that looms the gift to be seen

  For those who adore her, make her sparkle and sheen!”

  In an instant the disembodied voice of my aunt became a floating iridescent figure. She was gorgeous and completely see-through. A silky golden robe danced around her sheer form and her wild red hair flowed around her head.

  "Hildy?" Fabio whispered reverently.

  "Yes," she answered her brother with a smile and an uplifted middle finger. "I've missed you, you turd knocker."

  A lump formed in my throat as I watched them slowly approach each other. Mac took my hand and gently squeezed. His presence grounded me and I held on tight.

  Fabio's head tilted to the side and his smile was warm and loving as he flipped his sister the bird. I certainly hoped the habitually rude greeting didn't run in the family too.

  "I'm so sorry I wasn't here to defend you," he told her as he reached out to touch her.

  "I'm glad you weren't," she said quietly, extending her transparent hand. "It was horrible and I would have been furious if something had happened to you too. One of us has to train our girl."

  As their hands passed through each other, Naked Dude stiffened and froze like a block of ice.

  "Holy shit," I shouted as I ran to Dude. "What just happened?"

  "Well, darn," Baba Yaga muttered. "Didn't know that was a possibility."

  Hildy flew frantically around the room as Mac helped me lay my glacial lump of a father on my bed. The warlocks watched with interest until Baba flicked her fingers and blindfolded them all.

  "Is he going to be alright?" I demanded. "Should I heal him?"

  "I wasn't aware you liked him that much," Baba said as she examined my frigid father. "My goodness, he looks very sexy in these pants."

  "Gross and of course I… um… like him. He's my, you know… sperm donor… dad guy," I explained as I felt Dude's neck for a pulse.

  "Is that all he is to you?" Baba inquired with interest as she checked out my frozen father's package.

  "No, but it's all I can deal with at the moment," I replied as I reached inside myself and pulled on my healing power.

  I quickly wrapped Naked Dude in a warm and cozy blanket of magic. The enchantment left my body and made me dizzy and nauseas, but I pushed it through without thought. Shards of ice ran through my veins as I healed him. I shivered and convulsed and prayed to the Goddess. His color slowly came back as he coughed and sputtered. My heart raced as I watched him come to. He needed to stop having near death experiences.

  "She called me Dad again," Fabio choked out as he tried to sit up. "You all heard it."

  On instinct I smacked him in the head much to the delight of his sister. I was so happy Naked Dude was okay that I got pissed.

  "Alright," I yelled, startling everyone in the room including myself. "If I call you Daaaaad, will you stop almost dying all the fucking time?"

  The room went silent as did I. Was I really ready to do this? Was I really ready to not do this?

  "Daaaaad?" Baba said with a smirk and a giggle. "Are you sure you didn't mean, Dad?"

  "Yes. Yes, I'm sure. I meant, Daaaaad," I said as I stared at the ceiling and prayed there was a Shifter therapist in town.

  "I'll take it!" Naked Dude yelled. "I'd also like to recommend no one touch Hildy. That hurt like a son of a bitch and I'm fairly sure my balls have shrunk up into my stomach permanently."

  "Really sorry," Hildy apologized as she floated close to the ceiling so no one could touch her. "I mean if I knew such a thing was going to happen it would have been far more enjoyable. However, the speed and skill with which you healed your daaaaad was most impressive, Zelda. I couldn't have done better myself."

  "Really?" I asked, humbled by her praise.

  "Yes. Really."

  "Great!" Baba Yaga said as she slapped my daaaaad on the ass. "Now that we have that matter settled… on to the next."

  "Which would be?" Mac asked as he stood next to me and put his arm around my still shaking shoulders.

  "Is this serious?" Baba asked with a delighted grin as she took in Mac and me.

  "No," I said at the same time Mac said, "Yes."

  "Wonderful," she said approvingly.

  I wasn't sure who she was approving of, but I'd lay money it wasn't me.

  "One or several of these shitbombs released the honey badger who killed Hildy," Baba hissed venomously as she referred to the warlocks. They began to keen and wail. "I am too damned tired to deal with this crap. Zelda, I've brought them to you to figure it out and punish the traitor."

  "Are you shitting me?" I yelled. She was right out of her gourd.

  "Do I look like I'm shitting you?" she demanded.

  "Um… not really," I admitted. "But you have the wrong gal for the job. I heal people, not kill them. I'm the Shifter Wanker."

  "Yes, well it's all in the semantics," she explained making no sense at all. "Of course you might need some help."

  First she tells me to deal with it, and then she tells me I'm not capable of dealing with it. She was clearly off her meds. Why did I even get up this morning?

  "My magic is enormous," I snapped.

  "Correct," she agreed. "Enormous enough to make the Southern United States a crater. You need to find a witch whose talent lies in blowing up smaller areas… and things. You know, do some damage without taking the entire continent down."

  "Why can't you help?" I asked her.

  "Because it's not fated to be," Baba explained with a wave of her hand. "This is your territory and you must take care of it."

  "Says who?" I shot back. "I don't even know any other witches who like to blow shit up."

  "Think hard, my child," Baba said with a raised eyebrow.

  "Oh for the Goddess's sake," Daaaaad griped as he glanced down at his ringing cell phone. "I simply cannot communicate with this horrid person anymore. She's been calling for you all day and this time you can deal with her."

  "Who are you talking about?" I asked as I realized everyone in the room wanted a piece of me I wasn't willing to give. It was so much easier to just heal the damn Shifters. How had I become the one on charge of the ent
ire shitshow?

  "It's someone calling herself Sassy. She says she has your three cats and she's on her way here to dump the mangy, lying, cheating, destructive bastards on your doorstep," Naked Dude said accusingly. "I didn't even know you had other cats. When were you going to tell me?"

  "I don't have any other cats," I yelled.

  This could not be happening. The thought of my former cellmate Sassy showing up was enough to make me want to blow up the town, cut my losses and run. And cats? I didn't own any cats. I didn't even like cats.

  "They're my cats!" Hildy clapped her hands in joy. "I've been wondering where they'd gone."

  "Why does this Sassy person have your cats?" Mac asked Hildy.

  "Do you believe in fate, my dear pretty boy?" Baba Yaga asked him.

  "I do," he replied evenly.

  "Then hold on because fate will be here in about an hour," she replied with a laugh that made my stomach churn.

  Sassy liked to blow shit up. Sassy also made me want to remove my own head with a dull butter knife. She was on her way to my home with my inherited pets and there was probably very little I could do to stop the certifiable freak from hell.

  I inhaled deeply and prayed to the Goddess for strength.

  I could do this. I had to do this.

  What was the worst thing that could happen?

  Shitshitshitshitshit.

  Chapter 9

  Sassy was just as pretty as I remembered—all perky boobs, perky butt and blonde hair. However, she was twice as insane.

  "They've been arrested by animal control six times in the last week alone for disorderly conduct," Sassy griped in her outdoor voice, pacing my living room in agitation as magical sparks flew off of her like static electricity. "The smelly bastards have eaten me out of house and home, and started a gambling ring for familiars. No matter what I did they wouldn't leave so I threw them in the car and brought them back."

  "Why didn't you just zap them here?" I asked as I took in the three fat felines sitting on my couch attending to their privates.

  "You think I didn't try?" she screeched. "They're evil minions of Satan. It was impossible. Every time I zapped them the magic came back on me tenfold. You should see my ass."

  She went to pull down her pants and I screamed.

  "No! I will not look at your butt. Nine months in the pokey with you and your ass was enough. I refuse to have your naked backside burned into my brain," I said with my hands raised ready to conjure a permanent set of pants on her if she tried to remove them. "And how in the hell did you figure out they were mine… not to mention where I was living?"

  "Well," she informed me smugly. "Along with my talent for fornication and explosives, I've discovered I can dig into jackass's brains and extract info. The little fuckers sang like birds once I dove in and scrambled their teeny, tiny bits of gray matter."

  "That sucked," the cat in the middle of the trio announced in a voice that belonged on a cartoon gangster.

  "I found it arousing," the one on the right said, sounding like Johnny Cash with a head cold.

  I stared at the group and sighed. What harm were three more mangy cats in the myriad of crap that kept piling up? Clearly they overate. I'd never seen such obese cats in my life—especially the one in the middle.

  Being alone with Sassy was challenging. The rest of the group had disappeared at my request before she'd arrived, except Mac. He'd refused. He promised to stay out of sight unless I needed him, or he felt I needed him. Baba Yaga had taken Daaaaad and Hildy off to Goddess knows where for some fun and the turdball warlocks were unhappily incarcerated in my basement.

  My plan was to deal with Sassy and get rid of her. Then I was going to deal with the warlocks in the basement and get rid of them. And then I would finally deal with the lurking fucking evil and get rid of it. If I was still alive when I finished, I was going to go get my red cape and get laid. It was a fine plan—sadly much easier said than done.

  "Names?" I demanded of the menagerie on the sofa.

  "I'm Fat Bastard," the gray one with the white tummy in the middle grunted. "Jango Fett is the randy son of a bitch on my right and Boba Fett is the deadly fucker on my left."

  "I will dazzle you with my razzamatazz," Jango Fett, a calico with a double chin, told me with a leer and a wink.

  "Lovely," I muttered with an eye roll. "And you three sorry excuses for cats belonged to my Aunt Hildy?"

  "That's right, Dollface. And you best watch it with the trash talk or I'll jerk a kink in your bahookey," Boba Fett, a white cat with gray splotches informed me.

  "Interesting," I said as I sat down on my hands. I was not going to run the risk of inadvertently zapping the little shit and getting it shot right back at me.

  "You see?" Sassy snarled. "They're heinous."

  "And you're hot," Fat Bastard told Sassy. "And you're not so bad yourself," he added to me with a wink and a crude kitty hip thrust.

  "I'd bet it takes you about thirty minutes to get there," Jango said with a sly grin. "I could get you there in ten."

  "Get me where?" I asked not really wanting the answer.

  "To the big O," he said smarmily.

  All three little idiots high fived with their kitty paws and then went right back to getting down on their nads.

  "Alrighty, you have almost rendered me speechless. Almost…The three of you are on probation. I'm pretty sure this will not be your forever home considering I'm feeling the need to run you over with my car. Repeatedly."

  "Don't think she won't do it," Sassy threatened them gleefully. "She killed her last familiar and spent nine months in the pokey for it. She's fucking crazy."

  "Impressive," Fat Bastard congratulated me. "What are you? A wise guy?"

  "Nope, just an unstable, out of control witch who's not fond of cats," I replied.

  "I can make you an offer you can't refuse," Boba Fett told me with narrowed eyes as he took a brief break from cleansing his testes.

  "What the hell are you talking about?" I snapped.

  I did not have time for this. I had warlocks in my basement, my family was on the lose somewhere in the community, the fucking evil was still lurking, and Sassy the Heinous was standing in my living room.

  "Don't underestimate him," Fat Bastard warned in a muffled voice with his head buried in his crotch.

  "No worries," I assured him. "I never underestimate stupidity."

  "Thank you," Boba said.

  "Welcome," I replied with a shake of my head.

  What was I going to do with them and Sassy? I didn't want them here. They were rude, crude and disgusting. As I pondered the fresh hell I was in, Sassy let loose.

  "Are you wearing Prada?" she asked with an unpleasant look on her face.

  "I am," I replied carefully. One never knew where the conversation was headed with Sassy the Unstable.

  "How is it you're wearing Prada and I'm wearing Gap?"

  "Well, let's see," I hissed as little icy blue sparks of pissed off-ness flew from my fingers and began to hop around the room. "My cat that I killed wasn't really dead. Turns out he's my father and he's loaded. How? No clue, but I'm quite sure it's shady. He enjoys buying slash stealing me shit and I have ceased to argue the point. He has outstanding taste. However, the down side is he's getting limber so he can lick his gonads again. I popped about forty rubbery evil honey badgers to death and healed about as many Shifters. It hurts like hell to do it, but it's my new job. My title is Shifter Whisperer, but I prefer Shifter Wanker. If you laugh I will permanently seal your lips shut."

  I took a huge breath and realized I wasn't quite done yet. The bewildered looks on the faces of my audience did little to deter me. I was on a fucking roll.

  "My aunt came back as a ghost while I was trying to get laid dressed up as Little Red Riding Hood plus a wolf who has a kangaroo son named Jeeves thinks I'm his mate. I was passed out for two weeks and now I have probably about three days left max on my life because of some lurking fucking evil. Roger the rabbit is addicte
d to porn and Chuck the bear is trying to kill himself in my tree. I have too much magic and I don't know how to control it. I'm probably going to wipe the United States off the map by accident. Not to mention, I have Baba Yomamma's traitorous warlocks locked up in my basement which she informs me I now have to deal with and punish. And apparently I'm stuck in Assjacket, West Virginia. They don't even have a Target in this hellhole. If that doesn't merit me getting to wear some fucking Prada, then I don't know what does."