Witch Glitch

by Robyn Peterman

  "Um… okay," Sassy mumbled as she tried to process the diatribe I'd just spouted.

  "That's hot," Fat Bastard said as his cohorts nodded in agreement.

  I took another deep cleansing breath and made some decisions. At this point I didn't care if they were good decisions. I just wanted to move forward—preferably without Sassy in my line of vision or within three hundred miles.

  "Sassy, I'd say thank you for bringing me the ball sack obsessed felines, but since I'm not even remotely thankful, I'll just grin and bear it," I told her with a smile that resembled a wince. "I'm sorry you had to drive the bastards all the way here, but you're free to go. Far. Far, far away and it would also be good if you could forget my address."

  Sassy stood still in the middle of the room, wrung her hands and began to cry.

  Shitballs. Could this day get any worse?

  "I don't have anywhere to go. Those little fat fuckers got me kicked out of town. Permanently," she blubbered.

  My stomach roiled and my vision blurred. This was not happening.

  "Mmmkay," I choked out. "You can try a new town. You must have some friends somewhere who would love to see you."

  "I don't have any friends," she sobbed. "Only you."

  "Oh my Goddess, I don't even like you," I yelled.

  "I don't like you either," she shouted back. "But you're all I have left in this world, Zelda."

  "Who did I screw over to get into this situation?" I grumbled.

  "Don't know, but I'd be happy to oblige," Jango Fett offered.

  "You." I pointed at Jango. "Zip it now or we're going to the driveway to see how many lives you have left."

  "Roger that," Jango said.

  "This is a big house," Sassy reasoned through her hysterics. "I can live with you."

  "Hell to the no," I said as I closed my eyes and tried to avoid the train wreck that was my life. "Where were you before you came here and what was your mission?"

  "I was in Butthole, Kentucky, and I have no clue what the hell my mission was supposed to be. I got to a house Baba Yaga gave me an address for and the dumbass cats were there. I've been hanging on by a thread for weeks."

  "Was the town really called Butthole?" I asked.

  "No. Is the name of this town really Assjacket?"

  "No, but it fits."

  "Same with Butthole."

  I was appalled to realize Sassy's crazy might be similar to mine.

  "So you've just been taking care of cats for a month?" I asked shocked and pissed.

  What kind of mission was that? I'd almost died several times in the last few weeks. Why had Sassy gotten off so easy?

  "I'd hardly describe blowing up half of Butthole, seducing three fourths the male population in the town, and trying to kill us on a daily basis taking care of us," Fat Bastard muttered as he gagged and prepared to heave up a hairball on my couch.

  "You puke, you eat," I informed him.

  He swallowed back his gift and gave me a furry thumbs up.

  "Wait. You blew up the town?" I asked Sassy with raised brows.

  "I didn't mean to," she snapped. "The damn cats kept standing in front of buildings when I was aiming at them."

  "You're a fucking menace," I said as I began to pace the room.

  "Your point?" Sassy shot back.

  "You're a slutty, destructive, brain picking mess," I said.

  "Again, I ask—your point?"

  "Oh my Goddess," I grumbled as I shoved the cats over and flopped down on the couch. "As much as I'm pretending to not like Assjacket in fear of losing my reputation as someone who doesn't care, I really don't want to run the risk of you destroying it."

  "What if I promise not to blow anything up?" she bargained.

  The cats snickered in disbelief and I had to agree. I sat silently and waited for her to continue because I knew she would.

  "Um… I won't seduce more than three men and um…"

  I put my hands over my eyes until I realized Jango had his paw on my left boob.

  "Move it or lose it," I hissed.

  He quickly withdrew his soon to be stump as Sassy kept going.

  "I promise to help around the house unless it requires actual cleaning. I promise not to borrow your clothes without asking unless you say no or you're not here and I need to look good. I promise to continue to try to kill the cats but only in large fields without buildings. I promise to put the toilet seat down and I…"

  "You pee with the toilet seat up?" I asked perplexed by that one.

  "No, but I'm trying to impress you," she explained.

  "Not working."

  Sassy began to glow. I did not take this as a good sign and neither did the cats. They dove under the couch. Well, they tried. Their enormous asses didn't fit and were hanging out.

  "Sassy?"

  "Yes?"

  "Are you about to blow up my house?" I inquired as casually as I could.

  "Um… no?"

  "Good answer." I heaved a sigh as the glowing subsided. "You have five seconds to give me a solid enough reason for you to stay. Unless you can convince me, you have to leave."

  "You didn't like any of my suggestions so far?" she whined.

  "Nope."

  Sassy pulled on her wild blond hair and bit down on her lip as she thought. I considered taking her out to the yard for fear she would blow up the house when I told her she had to go. There was no answer in this world good enough for me to let her stay.

  "You said you have lurking fucking evil?" she asked slowly.

  "Yes."

  "You have Baba Yasshole's warlocks in the basement?"

  "Yes."

  "Are they involved?"

  "You mean are they dating anyone?" I groaned and rolled my eyes.

  "Gross," she shouted. "I have higher standards than that. I meant are they involved with the evil?"

  "Possibly."

  "You have a Little Red Riding Hood costume?"

  "What the hell does that have to do with anything?" I demanded.

  "Nothing," she assured me. "I just think it's cool."

  "Thank you."

  "Welcome."

  "You have too much magic?" Sassy continued her questions.

  "Yes."

  "You need me," she said with a satisfied smirk.

  "Not following."

  "It's simple. I think this is my mission. I can do things you can't."

  "Still not following."

  "Baba Yoyo obviously gave me your heinous fucking cats for a reason. I can blow shit up for you including the warlock wankers in the basement. If your magic is out of control, you tell me what to do and I'll do it. I can dive into the brains of anyone you want me to and get the truth. We'll use the cats as a shield and anything that tries to harm us will get it right back at them in a way that will leave scars. My ass can attest to this."

  Shitmotherhumper. She was making sense.

  “Please Zelda?" she begged. "It'll be fun."

  "Fun is not the word that comes to mind," I said warily.

  I stood up and paced again. I knew I needed help.

  Had fate made me hold off until Sassy came back into my life?

  Could I run the risk of letting her loose on a town that I was secretly coming to love? Could I run the risk of not letting her loose?

  "If I take you to the basement can you get inside the heads of the warlocks and figure out which one is the traitor?" I asked already knowing I was going to let her stay.

  "Um… yes?"

  "That didn't sound too positive," I said as I stopped pacing and got in her face.

  "I'm sure I can," she promised quickly. "I've only been inside cat's heads, but how different can a warlock be?"

  "Extremely different," Fat Bastard grunted from under the couch.

  "Whatever," Sassy snapped. "A male brain is a male brain. They're all tiny and obsessed with tits. I can do this."

  "She's got a point," Boba said as he unwedged himself. "We also think about…"

  "Stop," I cut him off. "I d
o not want to hear what else you think about. I have a very active gag reflex. It will make me smite you and I'm not in the mood for a ricochet smitation. We clear?"

  "Yes. Yes we are," Boba said. "However, I'd like to go on record as saying you have tremendous knockers."

  "That's it. I've had enough," Mac ground out as he strode into the room and right over to the cats. "One more sexual innuendo to my woman and I remove the balls you seem to be so fond of."

  "Easy there, buddy," Fat Bastard said as he covered his jewels. "We was just joking with your girl."

  "Oh my Goddess," Sassy gasped. "Is that your wolf?"

  "He is not my wolf, but if you touch him I will remove your hands. If you look at him I will gouge out your eyeballs," I hissed and then smacked myself in the head.

  "Yes, I'm her wolf," Mac said with a very self-satisfied grin and a bow. "And she's my witch."

  "That's hot," Fat Bastard said and punctuated it by grabbing his kitty nads.

  Sassy nodded in agreement.

  "One more word out of any of you and you will lose the ability to speak for a very long time," I warned. "I am quite sure I have made some monumental mistakes in the last five minutes, but I'm going to go with it. We are going to take a field trip to the basement and hopefully live through it. This is not a democracy. It's a clusterfuck waiting to happen. I am the freakin' boss so whatever stupid decision I make we will all comply with. And no back talk. Got it?"

  Everyone nodded silently. Mac winked. The cats saluted and Sassy flipped me off.

  Everything was as it should be.

  I smiled.

  I still had it. What I had, I wasn't exactly sure… but I definitely still had it.

  Chapter 10

  "Holy shit, they're ugly," Sassy muttered as we all took in the warlocks.

  The mini magicmen were huddled together inside of a large metal cage. Cots, pillows and blankets were available to them, but they had ignored the provided comforts. The warlocks congregated in the center and swayed menacingly. Sassy was correct. They were ugly—and angry. Their small older-than-dirt bodies trembled with fury. It was unnerving. Even the cats were uncomfortable and strangely quiet.

  The basement of my new home happened to be filled with cages. When I'd first arrived it had been a mystery to me. Turns out it was a hospital of sorts for the Shifters. The cages were for their safety while injured. I didn't particularly like them, but the Shifters didn't seem to mind.

  However, the warlocks didn't seem to be enjoying them at all.

  "So what do you do to get inside their heads?" I asked Sassy as I nervously watched the warlocks watching us.

  "Well, um…" she started hesitantly.

  "You don't have a clue, do you?" I hissed.

  Damn it, I should have made her leave when I'd had the chance. This had disaster written all over it. I could always just ask the bastards which one had let the honey badger go. I had nothing to lose. It might even work.

  "Can they use magic?" Mac asked as he removed his shirt and went for his pants.

  "The chains should preclude them from it or at the very least dull their power," I said as I gaped at him. This was not the time or the place to have a quickie. "What exactly are you doing?"

  "I'm going to shift," he informed me with a knowing grin. "I'll be better able to protect you."

  "Right," I said as the heat moved swiftly up my neck and landed on my face. "I knew that."

  "Like you knew number seven?" he asked.

  "Exactly like I knew number seven," I answered with a giggle.

  "Do you have an eight pack?" Sassy asked Mac breathlessly.

  "Do you value your eyesight?" I snapped at the swooning Sassy as I stepped in front of a partially naked Mac.

  "Yep," she replied quickly and lowered her eyes. "But that is one impressive stomach. You're really lucky."

  "I have a three pack," Fat Bastard volunteered.

  "Where?" Sassy asked.

  "Under my love padding," he told her without cracking a smile.

  "Enough," I snapped. "We have stuff to do. You either can or can't get into their minds. Which is it?"

  "I can," she said with more confidence than sense. "I can and I will. Didn't you say your wolf had a son?"

  "I did," I replied and bit back my laugh.

  "Is he available?" she inquired.

  I glanced over at Mac who shrugged and chuckled. Picturing Jeeves and Sassy together was absolutely wrong on every level.

  "Yes. Yes, he's available. But first we have to make it out of the basement alive in order for you to hit on him."

  "I'm on it," Sassy said now far more determined than she had been just moments ago.

  She was such a hooker.

  "All right you itty bitty little sons of bitches," she shouted. "I'm about to blow your minds."

  "Wait. You're not really going to blow up their minds," I whispered frantically as I grabbed Sassy's arm.

  "I sure as fuck hope not," she whispered back. "That would be a damn mess."

  "You will do no such thing," the meanest looking warlock in the front bellowed. "I forbid it."

  "You're not in any kind of position to be giving orders here, little dude," I said as I stepped toward the cage.

  Mac was right with me in his wolf form. His large body was pressed against mine. The cats stood between Mac's front paws and Sassy flanked my other side. The warlocks glared and gnashed their teeth.

  "You're the powerful one?" The small man laughed derisively and the rest of the tiny turds joined him.

  "Never underestimate the power of stupidity," Boba Fett reminded me.

  "Where did you hear that?" I asked while keeping my eyes trained on the warlocks.

  "Some really smart, wildly unstable, cat hating witch said it to me recently," he replied.

  "Must have been a brilliant witch," I said.

  "That remains to be seen," Boba shot back with a smirk.

  It certainly did.

  "Alright, I'm going to give you douchewanks a chance to do this the easy way," I nicely explained to the angry mob in the cage. "You can tell me which one of you idiots let the honey badger go and the rest of you can go home to your caves. Or we can do it the hard, untested and somewhat dangerous way."

  "And that would be?" one of the warlocks snarled.

  Goddess, they were a nasty bunch.

  "That would be a mind meld, brain freeze, info gathering cluster-humper of a first time try on something other than a cat," Sassy informed them as she cracked her knuckles and adjusted her ample bosom.

  "Oh hell no," a warlock mumbled.

  "That's right, assmonkeys." I backed up my former foe with force, and a confidence I was far from feeling. "Start talking or Sassy will go ape shit on your brain matter."

  "This is ridiculous," the one in the front said as he raised his hands in the air and narrowed his gaze at us.

  "Put your hands down. Now," I warned as I raised my own. "I don't want to hurt you."

  "Like you could hurt us," he growled and raised his hands higher.

  "Duck," Fat Bastard shouted as a massive and violent streak of magenta magic left the warlocks’ hands and flew at our group.

  So much for their magic being muted…

  Mac shoved Sassy and me behind him and the cats—well, they freakin' blew my mind.

  It felt like slow motion, but it was fast and it was vicious. Fat Bastard hopped up and planted his back kitty feet in second position and raised his front paws in the air. Jango Fett back-flipped on to Fat Bastard's outstretched paws and Boba climbed to the top of the furry pyramid. The fat furry felines now stood piled high about six feet tall and were hissing and screeching like a deflating hot air balloon.

  The magic bolt hit Jango square in the chest and I screamed. Burning cat fur singed my nose and brought tears to my eyes. I prayed to the Goddess I could heal him when this ended. I didn't really like him and his grabby paws much, but he'd just taken one for the team.