Signs of Love

by Kimberly Rae Jordan

  "God, could you please bring us such a man?" Alana whispered the words into the silent darkness. She wasn't foolish enough to ask for Justin. Even though she felt that he was a good man for her...for them, Alana knew that there was no room for them in his life. Seeing him at Beth's earlier that evening had reinforced that in her mind, but her heart still felt far more than it should for this man she was only getting to know.

  It wasn't often she let her emotions get the better of her, but it was so hard when she had a particularly long day. And with Caden's birthday looming—he’d mentioned it to her again that morning—all she could think about was how hard it was. She wanted—for just a few minutes—to have a pity party. This wasn't the life she'd envisioned for herself as a young girl. Kicked out by her family. Abused by her husband. Struggling to provide for a son she loved more than anything.

  Alone.

  Hot tears burned her skin as they slid from her eyes to soak the pillow beneath her cheek. She rubbed a hand over her chest, trying to ease the pain and tightness there. But the tears wouldn't stop, and the tightness wouldn't free her from its grip.

  I am strong. I am capable of doing anything. I am worth loving. I will survive.

  It was a mantra she'd begun to repeat to herself in the months leading up to her escape from Craig.

  "You are weak." He would shout at her when he'd try to get her to work out with him, ignoring the fact that most the time she was in too much pain to do much of anything. Never mind that she really had no interest in bodybuilding.

  I am strong.

  "You're just lucky you have me. You'd be useless on your own."

  I am capable of doing anything.

  "I don't know why I keep you around. You don't even know how to please a man. Maybe if you could figure that out, I'd love you."

  I am worth loving.

  And when he would strike out at her, she'd let her mind drift away as she told herself I will survive.

  And she had. Survived and thrived.

  It took a long time, but finally her emotions were spent and her thoughts stopped whirling. But clearly she hadn't completely let go of what had been drifting through her mind before falling asleep as she woke several times during the night. Often it was nightmares of being back with Craig that roused her, trembling and desperate to know that she and Caden were safe.

  She woke in the morning to find Caden shaking her shoulder, concern on his face.

  What's wrong, Mama?

  Alana pushed up to a sitting position and pulled him into her lap, wrapping her arms tightly around him. It was at times like this she wished they could talk instead of relying on signing. She wasn't able to comfort him and talk to him at the same time.

  They sat that way for a few minutes before Caden pulled back from her, concern still on his face.

  With a sigh, Alana moved her arms from around him to sign her response.

  I'm fine, love. Sometimes I get sad, but seeing you always makes me happy.

  The tension on Caden's face eased a bit, and he smiled at her. Do we get to see Justin again today?

  Even as she nodded, Alana wished there was some way she could cancel. Especially after last night. But she could hardly tell Caden that. It was apparent her son had a serious case of hero worship going on with the man. And with him having so few good male role models in his life, Alana couldn't bring herself to limit Caden's exposure to Justin.

  Let's eat breakfast and do a little schoolwork before we go.

  Caden's vigorous nod set his curls dancing. Alana gave him one last squeeze before they climbed off her bed and made their way to the kitchen.

  ~*~*~

  Justin sat down on the bench beside Caden. He held out his hand for the tablet. Without hesitation, the boy gave it to him, the screen already showing the app they'd used last time for chatting.

  Is everything okay with your mom?

  Caden's shoulders slumped as he looked down at the tablet when Justin gave it back to him. He glanced up, his eyes worried. Then he started to tap on the screen.

  Justin glanced at the door leading to the changing room, hoping he'd get a response from Caden before Alana showed up. He'd noticed immediately that she was different this morning. There had been tension on her face he hadn't seen the night before at Beth's. And she looked like she hadn't slept at all during the night. But most concerning of all was how she hardly held his gaze. During their sign language lesson, she'd focused on his hands as she'd taught him another set of signs.

  And he wasn't the only one concerned. He'd seen the way Caden had kept glancing over at her even while he played his video games. It was the first time he recalled seeing worry like that on the young boy's face.

  Caden took so long to type his reply Justin was worried he wouldn't be able to read it before Alana joined them. Finally, Caden handed him the tablet, his lip caught between small teeth.

  I had to wake Mama this morning. Usually, she wakes me. I think she had been crying. I asked what was wrong. She said she was sad but that looking at me made her happy. I don't know what made her sad. She never cries. I just want her to be happy.

  Justin felt something tighten in his chest as he read the words. He took a deep breath to ease it, but it didn't help. It was the same tightness he'd experienced a few days ago when he'd driven past the address Caden had given him, and he'd seen where the two of them lived. His first instinct had been to park his truck, find their apartment and take them away from there. But that wasn't his place. And he didn't doubt she was doing the best she could to provide for her son.

  Before he could type out a response, Caden took the tablet back and erased what he'd written. Instead of typing anything more or giving it back to Justin, Caden drew his knees up and wrapped his arms around them, trapping the tablet between his chest and thighs.

  Justin tried to remember what it had been like to be seven or eight years old. Most the memories from that time were fuzzy, but as he thought back now, more came into focus for him. Times when he'd seen his mother crying. No doubt she'd cried sad tears at some point, but he couldn't recall a time when he'd seen her cry anything but happy tears. The tears that had come because his dad had brought her some unexpected gift or one of the kids had done something special. It hadn't been his job to make sure that his mom was happy, his dad had taken care of that. They'd all just been able to exist in a world of love and joy most of the time.

  The responsibility of making someone happy fell on his shoulders when he'd had to step into a parental role for Beth. That had been hard, but at least he'd been old enough to understand what was going on and how to read Beth's emotions—most of the time. Caden would have no idea what might cause his mom to be sad or worse yet, how to make her happy again. It was a big responsibility for such a little guy. One that Alana likely didn't want her son to have, but one he'd taken on regardless.

  Justin slid an arm around Caden's shoulders. The boy sat stiffly for a moment, hunching over his knees before he turned slightly and relaxed into Justin's side. At that moment, there was no denying this little boy had successfully bypassed all the defenses Justin had placed around his heart and claimed a part of it, much in the same way Genevieve had. He hadn't wanted to think about having a family of his own. His job was his life. He didn't have time for the things that being with Caden and Alana made him think about.

  He was jerked from his thoughts when Alana suddenly appeared and dropped to her knees in front of Caden. Her hands ran over his head then cupped his face.

  She looked up at Justin, concern clear in her eyes. "What happened?"

  Justin debated what he should tell her, but without much time to weigh the pros and cons, he settled on the truth. "He's worried about you. He said you were sad."

  Immediately, all emotion disappeared from her face. Just like that, Justin could no longer read anything in her eyes, and it made him uneasy. Had he stepped over a line?

  Alana's hands slid from Caden's face, and suddenly she was signing way too rapidly for Justin
to have even a hope of understanding. Caden relaxed his grip on his legs and settled them on the bench, the tablet still in his lap. As Caden straightened, Justin let his arm slide away.

  Knowing this had to be dealt with before they could move on to anything else, Justin leaned back against the wall and crossed his arms. The only emotion he could see on Alana's face now was love for her son. Caden was signing back to her as quickly as she'd signed to him.

  This went on for a couple of minutes before Caden set his tablet on the bench and slid into Alana's arms. She buried her face into his shoulder and held tight. Justin swallowed hard and looked away from the two of them huddled on the floor. This was not what was supposed to happen. This was not part of his plan. He'd let two people into his heart—three, if he counted Daniel—and that should have been more than enough for him.

  What was this woman doing to him? She and her son were drawing out emotions he didn't know he had for anyone but his family. Everything had changed when he'd lost his family. To have four people ripped from his heart in one blow had been almost unbearable for him. He didn't want to be that vulnerable again. It was bad enough he took that risk with Beth and Genevieve, but these two? In his heart, he knew they had the potential to mean even more to him than his sister and her family.

  After Alana let Caden go, the boy slid back on the bench and picked up his tablet. Alana stood up and looked at Justin. And once again her face held no emotion.

  "Ready to go?"

  Justin hesitated. "Are you sure you're up for this?"

  "Yes, I am."

  He wanted to offer to talk if she needed to, but he knew that wouldn't help his need to keep his emotions from getting mixed up in hers. Putting his hands on his knees, Justin pushed to his feet. "Then let's do this."

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  Alana let out a sigh as she followed Justin onto the mat. Though most the time she was grateful for Caden's soft heart and the way he was sensitive to the feelings of those around him, sometimes she really wished he was a little less sensitive to hers. She thought she'd been able to reassure him that everything was okay. They'd talked about it and then moved on with their day just like they usually did. She was dragging a bit because she hadn't gotten much sleep, but she had hoped Caden had forgotten about the rest. Apparently that had been too much to hope for.

  As they reached the center of the mat, Justin turned toward her. She knew he was searching her face for any sign that she wasn't as fine as she'd said.

  "Are you sure you don't want to talk about anything?" Justin asked.

  Alana recognized the irony in the situation. There was no way she'd discuss what had upset her with the person who was responsible for some of that turmoil. "Only one thing. How exactly did Caden tell you he was worried about me?"

  Justin's brows rose slightly. "He has some app on his tablet that lets us type our conversation. He's a very resourceful little guy, plus he seems to read and write quite well for his age. Is he ahead of where most seven-year-olds are?"

  "Yes. He learned to read fairly young, and I've worked hard with him to expand his vocabulary so he could communicate like he did with you."

  "Well, he certainly reads and writes way better than I can sign," Justin said with a rueful grin.

  Her heart skipped a beat at the sight of his smile. "You'll get there. By the time Genevieve is his age, you'll be able to communicate with her just like I do with Caden."

  Too bad I won't be around to see it. The words wound their way through her mind and into her heart. The sadness she'd worked so hard to push aside started to seep back in. She couldn't let that happen. Justin was as perceptive as Caden and would notice right away.

  "I hope I'm half as good as you are. Watching the way you and Caden sign is crazy."

  "Lots of practice," Alana said with what she hoped was an encouraging smile. "So, what are we working on today?"

  Justin's eyes narrowed briefly then he said, "Do you have any questions about what we talked about last week?"

  Alana shook her head. And even if she did, she wasn't going to be asking him. She needed this session to be done and over with as quickly as possible.

  "Okay. We're going to work on one move today. Like I mentioned last week, most confrontations initially take place face-to-face, but today I'm going to show you how to free yourself from an attack from behind."

  Alana watched as he explained the moves to her then he motioned for her to turn around. It slowly dawned on her that he was going to walk her through it while actually making contact with her. Why had she not thought this through better?

  "If I come up behind you and get my arm around your neck like this," Justin looped his forearm around her neck, "you're going to automatically lift your hands to try to pull my arm away. But I'm stronger than you, and just pulling on my arm won't free you in time."

  As her hands came up to grip his arm, Alana had to keep reminding herself this was Justin. He wasn't going to hurt her. She felt the strength in his arm around her neck and in his chest where it touched her shoulders.

  He won't hurt me.

  "So at the same time as your hands come up, you need to turn your head to the side like you're trying to look at me. This will make sure that only one of the arteries in your neck is being compressed so you can maintain consciousness. Give it a try."

  Alana turned her head to the left and glanced up to find Justin was so close she could see the dark flecks in his blue eyes. Too close. She lowered her gaze but kept her head turned to the side. Hopefully, he couldn't hear her heart pounding because right then the rush of blood in her head seemed way too loud.

  Justin continued to give her directions step-by-step until she was free of his grasp. "Good. Let's do it again. The best way to make sure you'll be able to use these moves is to practice them so much that they become automatic to you. Then if you feel an arm around your neck, your body will already know how to react."

  Alana tried to focus on the moves in her head while she continued to remind herself it was Justin, and he wouldn't hurt her. And yet, at the same time, she had to ignore that it was Justin's arm around her neck. His chest pressed against her shoulders. Being this close to him wasn't helping her resolve to not get her emotions any more tangled up where he was concerned.

  After a few times through it, she found herself doing what she had done in the past. When she couldn't trust her emotions, she distanced herself from the situation that was forcing her to feel. She had never in a million years imagined she'd be employing the same method she'd used to avoid the physical and emotional pain inflicted on her by Craig to escape the feelings being close to Justin brought her.

  Would she ever get to the point where she wouldn't have to hide how she felt? Maybe in a couple of weeks she could make up a reason to avoid any further lessons with Justin and then send him links to videos he could watch to help him with his sign language. But then what would that do to Caden?

  "Alana?"

  She blinked, surprised to find him in front of her. After the last go around, Alana had been expecting to feel his arm around her neck again. "Sorry. What?"

  Justin stared at her for a moment. "Where did you go?"

  "Go? When?"

  "Just now. You were going through the motions, but it was like your mind was someplace else."

  She crossed her arms and made sure to keep her gaze locked onto his. "I thought that's what you said. Practice so my body would do it automatically."

  He nodded slowly. "Yes. True. I just didn't think you'd actually check out."

  There was no way she was going to tell him how she'd learned to do that and why she'd chosen to do it with him. "Do you think I have the hang of this?"

  "Yes, I do. You caught on to the moves very quickly." He glanced past her to where Caden sat. "I think we can call it a day."

  "Okay. I'll go get changed," Alana said as she turned to check on Caden before she headed for the changing room.

  ~*~*~

  Justin waited until Alana disappeared
into the change room before going back to Caden. The boy smiled as Justin settled on the bench beside him. Whatever had been bothering him earlier seemed to have disappeared. Justin waited to see if he would write anything on the tablet, but this time Caden just held it in his hands.

  He found himself more than a little mystified by Alana's reaction to their practicing. His reaction to being near to her, he'd understood. The scent of her shampoo had teased him when he'd move closer to put his arm in position around her neck. He hadn't touched her anywhere else but around her neck and shoulders, but it had been enough to send his mind in a direction it shouldn't have gone.

  He'd found himself wanting to pull her into his arms, to tuck her in against his chest and tell her that she didn't need to learn these moves because he would be right there with her to make sure she never needed them.

  But while he'd been struggling to keep his reaction to her nearness under control, she'd basically checked out. At first she'd been paying attention, but the last few times, he knew that he may have held her body, but her mind was gone. He was pretty sure her ability to do that was a remnant of the abuse she'd endured at the hands of her ex.

  Justin didn't want her to do that with him. It made him feel like he was doing something with her that she wanted to block out of her mind.

  How did all of this get so messed up? And how many times was he going to ask himself that before he realized there was no answer...it was just a mess.

  When Alana came toward them, bag in hand, Justin got to his feet and noticed that Caden did as well.

  "Can I give you a ride somewhere?" he asked as she approached even though he knew what the answer was going to be. One of these days, he hoped she would surprise him.

  "Thank you, but I think we'll just take the bus today."

  Justin nodded. "Okay. Guess I'll see you next week." He walked with them to the elevator, and after they had reached the main floor, he turned to Caden and held out his hand for a fist bump. Caden grinned and bumped his much smaller fist against Justin's. "See ya, buddy."