Shadow

by Jenny Moss

  “The people of Deor,” I said, “are in Erce’s care…not mine.” But I looked away so they wouldn’t see the doubt in my eyes.

  “Ah,” Ingen replied. She tucked the flower into my hair. I pulled it out and tossed it on the ground.

  The sky was now gray, with clouds thick around us. We couldn’t see below or above, just the close area around the gray rocks. I felt hemmed in, trapped like I was still in the castle.

  “Why is there no snow,” asked Kenway, “anywhere around here?”

  “Erce doesn’t like snow,” said Ingen, slipping through an opening in the rocks.

  Kenway slid a disbelieving look my way before we followed her.

  In the center was a circular hole, about three feet deep, its diameter the length of two men. Purple flowers sprang up everywhere, despite the cold. The temple was beautiful in its simplicity, but it didn’t reflect Erce’s spirit. She was not simple.

  “So where is she?” I asked, holding my arms out. I felt that same strange pull inside of me. It was not pleasant. It made me want to stay and to run, both desires strong and rooted deep, entangled together, and pulling me apart. I sat on the ground.

  Kenway was beside me, looking at me carefully.

  Ingen stepped down into the circle. “It’s late.”

  I laughed. “So she only appears during the day? What kind of goddess is she?”

  “You are tired. You must rest.”

  “Me?” I asked.

  Ingen sat in the center, cross-legged.

  So this was the place of Erce’s power. And all I had to connect me to her was a rush of confusing feelings. I had expected clear answers, not more uncertainty.

  “We can’t sleep out here,” said Kenway. “We’ll freeze.”

  Indeed, Ingen’s teeth were chattering. But she had her eyes closed and was ignoring us.

  “Ingen,” I said, not letting my feet even dangle over the edge. I didn’t want to go in. “Ingen!”

  Her eyes popped open.

  “We need shelter,” Kenway said. “Come on, Ingen. Get out of there. You’re turning blue.”

  Ingen smiled as if we were children, but she stood slowly. The girl rarely moved very quickly.

  We made our way to the horses. I didn’t look back.

  We then went in the opposite direction, but kept to the top of the mountain. The trail was wider here, but we walked the horses. We came to a small hut, accessible by stone steps up to its door. It was perched on a jut of rock, with little level land surrounding it before it dropped off to cliffs on three sides.

  “Protected,” said Ingen. “They can only approach us from the front.”

  “Our only escape as well,” said Kenway, opening the door.

  We put the horses in a lean-to not far from the hut, situated by a small spring. Kenway tended to them while Ingen and I went to get us settled for the night.

  It was not much warmer in the tiny hut. A small table stood in the corner with bowls, plates, spoons, and candles stacked upon it. There was a rim of stone in the middle of the room for a fire. Wood was stacked by the door.

  “The mountain people provide for me,” said Ingen. “They visit the temple frequently.”

  “How frequently?” I asked.

  “They’ll leave me alone here.”

  I nodded, not sure if I believed it.

  Soon a fire blazed, and despite the hole in the roof, the room became smoky and close. Kenway came in, saying little. After spreading out all but one of my blankets on the earthen floor, I went out into the cold night air with the last one pulled about me. My hands were warm in the leather gloves given to me at Kenway’s castle.

  The clouds were gone.

  I sat on the top step, looking out into the dark and seeing nothing but the stars and the bit of moon above and the dark figures of the trees below us.

  Kenway joined me. He gave me a bowl of slightly warmed fish, while commenting on our oversupply from Kendra. “She means for us to eat it morning, noon, and night,” he said in a distant tone. He stood off from me a little, which was not easy to do in this narrow place.

  I took the food, not happy with this gesture of his. It seemed out of duty, not out of kindness. Something a knight would do for a queen, not…whatever it was we had been to each other before. Sadness tugged at me.

  “Have you seen any signs of these mountain people,” I asked, “or anyone else following us?”

  Kenway shook his head.

  We were quiet while we ate our supper.

  When I finished, he reached out his hand for my bowl.

  “You don’t have to wait on me,” I said.

  He paused, a look of uncertainty crossing his face. Then, he sat beside me on the step. I was glad for it, but kept my distance.

  “You’re worried about Erce,” he said.

  A tentative feeling of relief came over me. This was more like the Kenway I’d grown to…know this past week. “Why would I worry?”

  “Shadow,” he said, taking my bowl anyway and setting both of them down.

  “You mean Audrey,” I asked, “Queen Audrey, don’t you?”

  He said nothing.

  “Your Highness, Your Majesty…any of these will do.”

  “I’m sorry,” he said.

  “Don’t apologize!” I said. “Stop treating me differently. I am no different.”

  “Everything is different.”

  “No, it’s not. I won’t let it be.”

  “And how are you going to do that?” he asked.

  I looked away, not wanting him to see my eyes.

  “You are the queen,” he said. “You can’t change that.” He touched my arm. “Shadow?”

  “I’m not crowned queen. I don’t have to accept that…burden.”

  “What do you mean not accept?” he asked. “You would refuse?”

  I looked at him with purpose in my eyes.

  “You cannot! You have an obligation to Deor.”

  “An obligation? What has Deor done for me?”

  “I don’t believe you would shirk your duty,” he said.

  “You confuse my values with yours.”

  “And what will Deor do without you? Let Fyren rule?”

  “Depose him. Give someone else the throne.”

  “Who?” he asked. “The royal line dies with you.”

  “I don’t know,” I said. “What about your father? Don’t you have any royal blood?”

  He shot me an angry look.

  “There are many lords willing,” I said.

  “Not just one would want to take it. Several would. You would throw us into civil war.”

  “I don’t believe it,” I said, shaking my head.

  “You mean you won’t concern yourself with it,” he said. “Why are you here then?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “If you don’t care about our country’s fate, why come here with us?” He stared back at me, his eyes looking into mine, as if he were trying to read my thoughts. Did he think I would say I followed him here?

  But that wasn’t the reason anymore. I cared for him. I did not deny it. And the thought of being without him clawed at my heart, scratching off bits of it. But I had to survive. If I went back, my soul would shrivel up, so tiny nothing would be left of me. I could not be queen, or I would be a queen without a soul.

  “You’re not going to answer me.” He looked away. “You have always kept your own counsel.”

  How I wished for his understanding.

  The night was quiet and cold. I pulled the blanket tighter around me. Kenway reached over to help, his gloved hand grazing my chin. I reached, taking his hand between the two of mine. I looked at him, silently willing him to look at me as he did before.

  We stared at each other. I was conscious only of his eyes and my own breathing. I leaned forward, touching my lips to his. Very gently we kissed, the warmth of it a pleasant shock against the cold. I felt a surge of need to have him close, as close as I could get him. My arms went around his nec
k, my blanket dropped. He drew me to him, his arms keeping me tight against his chest. One kiss followed another.

  Then suddenly he pulled away. “No, Shadow.”

  But I couldn’t. I kept reaching for him. I had never felt this before, never known what it was like to be so physically close with another.

  “Shadow!” He put me at arm’s length. Hurt washed over me, but I buried it in anger. I tried to get to my feet, but he pulled me down. “Shadow. Listen to me.”

  “What? What is it?” I asked. “What you wanted just yesterday you no longer desire?”

  He shook his head. “Things are different now. I have much to sort out.”

  “When you thought she was queen, it made no difference.”

  “Yes, and look what happened.”

  “You think that’s your fault? You make too much of yourself.”

  I went inside, pulling the door shut behind me. Ingen sat cross-legged on her blankets, poking at the fire. She did not look at me.

  I buried myself in my covers and turned my face to the wall. I felt the exhaustion in my bones and sighed deeply. I was already half asleep when Kenway came back in.

  Chapter Thirty

  We woke with first light.

  Kenway hovered close, but I would not look at him. I wanted to be ready for this day, not distracted and confused. The three of us sat outside the hut and ate more fish. The sun came up, coloring the cold sky.

  After caring for the horses, we hiked to the temple. With the gray clouds now gone, a stunning view of the mountains and the ocean had opened up around us. A wind blew in from the sea and was gentle.

  Ingen jumped into the circle and went right to its center. “You must join me, Shadow.”

  I eyed her warily, but climbed down.

  “No, Kenway,” said Ingen, her palm out. I looked back to see him at the circle’s edge.

  I took her outstretched hand. We stood side by side. I felt that same strange pull, as if something were trying to yank me into the Earth, into an early grave perhaps. I hid my panic.

  “Sit there,” Ingen said to Kenway, pointing to a rock. “You shouldn’t stand so close.”

  He did as she bade him, folding his arms over his chest. His mouth was tight with concern. He gave me a look that I could easily read.

  “It’s all right,” I said, trying to reassure him. “You don’t believe in all this anyway.”

  He looked unconvinced.

  Ingen’s face was so open, as if she was ready to give anything asked of her. “Close your eyes, Audrey,” she said, shutting her own. She suddenly looked more vulnerable, and I realized her dark eyes gave her face its depth and strength.

  All was quiet except for the whish-whish of the wildflowers dancing in the soft breeze.

  “Close your eyes,” Ingen said again, her own still shut.

  As soon as I did, my fingers began to tingle. It was Erce, that quick, coming to me through Ingen. The girl squeezed my hand tighter as Erce flooded my heart, my mind, my eyes. She found empty spaces inside of me and poured into those. She was very real, very human, really.

  I knew her, for I’d felt her all my life. She was the silver birches, red fruit dangling on a branch, black ash, bubbling springs, white boulders, a wooden medallion, a woman carved from stone. The sweetness and splendor of the Earth was her. To my surprise, she breathed power. But of course she did. She was a goddess, and her spirit had to be great for it filled a kingdom.

  But alongside that power was the feeling of humanity. I sensed her vulnerability, choices, regrets—oh, her regrets.

  The last feeling, very weak, was of a mother, just a taste of what it’d be like to have one. A tender brush of a hand upon my cheek. Oh, is this sweet feeling what it is to be a child loved by her mother?

  I heard Ingen’s voice inside my head as if she were in my thoughts. She spoke to Erce, calling her, worshipping her, thanking her for the beauty of Deor.

  Erce grew stronger as Ingen praised her.

  And then Ingen’s hand was gone, no longer holding mine. But I could still feel Erce’s spirit within me.

  I didn’t need Ingen at all. I was Erce’s daughter. I was hers, a part of her spirit. But our bond was weak, broken by years apart, and something else. What was it? What was keeping me from her?

  It was just below the surface, rising. I couldn’t stop it.

  Hadn’t she deserted me? Hadn’t she let her grief consume her so much she left her only child to the wiles of three old men? And to the abuse of Devona? Memories from those lonely years slammed into me. Devona had betrayed me, too, but she had been only a child herself and as manipulated as I was.

  Erce…Erce was a mother. Didn’t a daughter deserve a mother’s love?

  Anger bubbled inside of me.

  And now Erce wanted me when I no longer needed her? Leave me be, Erce. Out of my heart. Get out of my heart. I felt her power ebb, her hold on me loosen.

  And then she was gone.

  I expected to feel satisfaction, but in her place was just emptiness.

  I opened my eyes. Kenway hovered over me. I was lying on the ground, in the middle of the circle. “What did you do?” he yelled at Ingen.

  I could hear her soft voice in reply, but couldn’t understand the words.

  Kenway put his arms behind my shoulders. I struggled to stand, but my legs felt weak.

  He tried to pick me up, but I pushed against him. “No.” I would not be carried.

  “Shadow,” he said.

  I grabbed his arm and pulled myself up. He helped me walk to the circle’s edge. My knees buckled; Kenway kept me from falling. He picked me up despite my protests and laid me down on the ground at the perimeter. I was dizzy still.

  “What happened, Audrey?” Ingen asked.

  “Don’t you know?” Kenway asked her.

  “I let go,” she said.

  “I saw,” he said. “Why? That’s what you were there for!”

  “She didn’t need me. She had to connect with her mother and know that she could do it.”

  “But it didn’t work,” he said.

  I knew what had happened.

  Ingen’s dark eyes were on me. I didn’t like looking into those eyes. There was no light there, no peace or calm…none of those things that were a part of her, too. Instead, I saw a need. I felt her need.

  “What?” I asked her.

  “You pushed her away, didn’t you?”

  I tried to pull myself up. Kenway reached for me, but I slapped his hands. “No.”

  “You can’t do it alone,” he said.

  “I can.” I sat up and held my head. It spun and spun. I swung my feet over so they were dangling into the circle.

  Ingen put her hand on my shoulder. “We need her.”

  I shook her hand off. I knew who she meant. Again, I felt that need in Ingen. She needed Erce to come back. It was a hunger inside of her. She was driven to do it, perhaps because of who she was.

  “You failed,” I said to her.

  “You must try again.”

  I shook my head.

  “She won’t,” Kenway said, brushing dirt from my shoulders. I shrugged him off. He didn’t have a say in this.

  “You’re a priestess, Ingen,” I told her. “You can do this alone. You’re the one who brought her to me.”

  “No. It was you, Audrey.” She pulled herself up to sit beside me. “Maren and I tried together. We reached out to Erce over and over, but we failed. Our goddess only came to me now because of you.” Her eyes lit up. “It was wonderful to feel her presence again.”

  Indeed, Ingen’s face was bright with joy. She reached behind her and plucked some flowers off the vine.

  “You have tried here at the temple?” I asked. “This is where Maren brought you?”

  She nodded.

  I grabbed her arm. “Does Fyren know about this place, Ingen? Would Maren have told him?”

  “No, no,” she said, tying the stems of two flowers together. “Never.”

  “And you
are the…only priestess left,” I said, feeling suddenly ill.

  Kenway reached for me. “Are you all right?”

  I nodded, but I felt dizzy. He put his arm on my elbow, steadying me.

  “Why did Fyren kill Maren?” I asked. “He needed her. He needs Erce to rule.”

  “Fyren pushed Maren too hard,” said Ingen, her eyes watering, “wanting to break her spirit. When you came to the dungeon, Audrey, she let go.”

  I shivered.

  Ingen plucked more flowers and linked them to the others. “She knew who you were.”

  “You knew Maren’s thoughts?” asked Kenway.

  “We were bonded as priestesses,” said Ingen. “The last ones. And now there is only me.”

  We were all silent for a moment. I could think only of Maren’s face as they carried her out of the dungeon.

  “What will happen to Deor,” Kenway asked, “if Erce continues to weaken?”

  “There may be another way to save us,” said Ingen, putting her necklace of purple flowers around my neck, “that Fyren doesn’t know about.”

  We both looked at her, waiting.

  “Maren thought I could join with Erce, let my spirit pour out of my body,” Ingen said, “and go to Erce and strengthen her.”

  “What?” I asked. “Ingen, no.”

  “How could it be done?” asked Kenway. “How can a human spirit leave its body?”

  “Erce had to use the body of a woman,” explained Ingen, “to become Queen Anne. There was no other way. That woman was from the mountains and had no special gifts. But Erce liked the look of her.”

  “What madness is this?” I put my hand over my queasy stomach.

  Ingen looked at me steadily. “Erce had no choice but to let the woman’s spirit flow into the trees and rivers of Deor. The woman’s mind wouldn’t have survived living inside a body she could no longer control.”

  “Erce did have a choice!” I said. “You cannot defend her, Ingen.” This is what Kendra had hidden from me about my mother.

  But no outrage showed on Ingen’s face. She worshipped Erce. She would not deny her anything. The priestesses followed a goddess who was not a very loving mother of her people.

  “And what happened to this woman?” I asked.

  “Her human spirit was too weak to survive the experience.”

  “She died,” I said. “So my mother killed her.”