Shadow

by Jenny Moss

  “It wasn’t her intention.”

  “Oh, I forgive her now,” I said, removing the necklace. This creature, this selfish being, was a part of me. But I didn’t want her in me. “She took a life so she could be with my father.”

  “Erce could not save the woman.”

  “Could not?” I repeated. “She would not.”

  “After the king died, Erce had no desire to stay human. She was ready to take up her duties again as the goddess of Deor. She saw how this land was dying and needed her. She knew she had to return. And she wanted to give this woman back her life and relinquish her body to her.”

  “How kind of her,” I retorted. Such selfishness was hard to imagine.

  “But then Erce discovered she was with child,” said Ingen, her voice becoming soft. “It is sad the woman’s spirit died before your birth, Audrey. Erce was not pleased by this. She still carries great guilt. And she did return to her rightful place, grieving for you and the human life she took.”

  And she sacrificed all of that because she desired a king for her husband. “What was the woman’s name?” I asked. In a way, this woman Erce killed was also my mother.

  Ingen smiled sadly. “They called her Cara.”

  “But Cara died,” Kenway said. “And so would you, Ingen.”

  “I’m a priestess,” said Ingen, “with a very strong spirit. Not like that of an ordinary human.”

  “No,” I told her. “We will have no more human sacrifice because of a weak-willed goddess.”

  “Audrey,” she said, putting her hand on my arm. “I may be part-goddess, like you, descended from the sea god through my great-grandmother, a priestess.”

  “The sea god,” said Kenway, throwing up his hands. “Of course.”

  “You’re still an unbeliever?” Ingen asked. “There are many beings taking care of the Earth, and of us through that care.”

  “If that is your lineage, then others in your family would have special gifts. Why isn’t your mother a priestess?” I asked.

  “My father, you mean.”

  “Malcolm?” Kenway asked, with a derisive laugh. “He doesn’t even believe in all this. He told me so.”

  “Men are not priestesses,” she said.

  “You would die just as Cara did,” I told Ingen. “You must never try.” I felt protective of this girl. I didn’t welcome the feeling, not wanting to carry another in my soul. I already felt the weight of Piers and Kenway.

  “But I will, if it comes to that,” she said.

  No, you will not, I thought. I won’t allow it. But I knew she was stubborn.

  “Why does Fyren think,” Kenway asked, “Erce would ever help him anyway? He killed the king, her husband.”

  Ingen laughed. “Fyren doesn’t know Queen Anne was Erce. He never suspected that.”

  “But he told me that he knew something of my mother. He offered his knowledge up to me as a trade.” I felt Kenway’s eyes on me.

  “He doesn’t know,” Ingen said.

  Fyren tried to trick me then, but that was no surprise.

  “He thinks he’s the only heir,” continued Ingen. “Deor will fall into foreign hands or erupt into civil war without a king or queen. Erce would not want that.”

  “But that won’t happen,” said Kenway, looking relieved. “Our queen is alive.”

  “Audrey is unwilling,” said Ingen. “If she won’t take the throne, then without Fyren as a stable force, our enemies will waste no time.”

  That part was true enough. The Torsans had coveted the strategic position of Deor for decades. Our countries had no great love for each other.

  “Ingen,” I asked, “have the Torsans moved on us?”

  She nodded. “Kendra said they attacked the port of Mays, a few days after Devona’s murder.”

  Kenway swore.

  Fyren is a fool, I thought. He must have known this would happen. He plays a dangerous game with this country he supposedly loves so much.

  “Lords who once opposed Fyren,” said Ingen, “now support him. They know Deor mustn’t appear vulnerable.”

  “My father hates Fyren more than he hates the Torsans,” said Kenway. “He will never support him.”

  I looked at him. “He would not side with our enemies? He wouldn’t let them have Deor?”

  He slowly shook his head. “Truly, I don’t know what he would do.”

  “But the Torsans hate us,” I said. “They would make us all slaves.”

  “I know, Shadow,” Kenway said, looking intently in my eyes. “Do you now see?”

  I looked away.

  “I would have no choice but to support Fyren,” Ingen said. “But if you should change your mind, Audrey…if Erce should come back…”

  They both looked at me. How could I let Ingen risk her life? It was a simple thing to hold hands in a circle and talk to one’s mother.

  “I will try again,” I said.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  We were back in the circle.

  “You must forgive her,” Ingen said, holding my hand, squeezing it hard. “I felt the anger in you, Audrey. I shouldn’t have let go, but I knew you had to feel it so you would understand.”

  “I am to understand? Two days ago, I didn’t know Erce existed. And now I am to forgive her murder of the innocent, her abandonment…”

  “Yes.”

  “If it were that easy, Ingen, I would do it.”

  “If you don’t, she will not heal.”

  She should heal herself, I thought. Wasn’t she the mother and I the daughter? Wasn’t she the goddess? Why must we coddle her? “I said I would try.”

  “If she doesn’t heal, then Deor doesn’t heal.”

  “I know what is at stake!”

  I saw Kenway shake his head at Ingen, as if to shush her. He stood at the edge of the circle, closer this time.

  As before, Ingen and I clasped hands. Erce’s power flowed into me again. But it wasn’t only through Ingen this time—it was from the Earth and from the air, pouring into me, but tentatively, testing to see if I would receive it.

  I did receive it. I pushed my anger to a corner of my heart and kept it there by an act of will.

  I called to Erce, and she came, sweeping around the edges of my heart.

  A strange feeling came over me. I was at once aware of all that touched me. The breeze on my face carried a sweet scent that opened up my lungs. The soil under my shoes was cool; how could I feel it? It was a part of me, like my feet were rooting into the Earth. It wasn’t my body, though: It was my spirit. It moved with Erce, my mother.

  We were in the air, the lightness of it delightful, and in the mountain, too, its depth immense. We could do anything, she and I.

  The vast green sea stretched to the eastern horizon. We soared like birds above high craggy tops, sheer slices of white and gray, patches of green, the temple of Erce covered with purple blossoms, and my friends Ingen and Kenway, small, but vibrant and living.

  In the distance was the village of Goodham. I heard laughter ring out. The twins played by the river. I rushed by Rowe and blew his hair with a big puff. He turned his head to look as I went by, but I was the wind to him. I caught the scent of his happiness, and it filled me up.

  Don’t you feel it, Erce? Isn’t this worth saving? I told her to come back to Deor, that the people needed her.

  I could feel the people’s worship of her; how could she not love them in return? They needed their goddess.

  But she wasn’t thinking of them. Instead, she pulled at me. That sweet mother’s touch became a grasping for my love.

  Give to your people, I told her.

  Give to me, Audrey, she answered.

  What do you want? I asked.

  My daughter back.

  I am here, I said, as I’ve always been.

  I want your forgiveness, she said.

  You have it.

  She did not answer. Bleakness filled me up.

  Ingen and I were knocked to the ground. I sat up, trying to catch
my breath. Ingen was sprawled next to me, her face flushed.

  “What happened?” asked Kenway, helping us up.

  “You must forgive her,” Ingen said to me. “You can reach her, help her.”

  “I did forgive her.”

  “You do not,” Ingen said. “And she knows it.”

  “This will not work.”

  “Shadow!”

  “We must think of another way.”

  I could not sleep the second night in our hut.

  I had come to High Pointe to find my mother. I did not like what I’d found.

  In the morning, we left for Kendra’s. It was dark when we arrived, but she had a fish stew simmering.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  At dawn, Kendra opened the shutters, letting in gray light. She threw sticks of wood on the dying embers and poked until they caught fire. She saw me watching her.

  “It’s time for you to go. You need to confront Fyren at his coronation, in three days’ time.”

  “Crowned?” I asked, surprised. “So soon?”

  “Do you now see the danger?” she asked.

  I sat up, ignoring her. I pulled up my knees and rested my chin, gazing at the flickering flames. The air felt cold and heavy. I longed to touch the ocean again.

  Kenway was awake and putting on his boots. “Why at the coronation?”

  “That’s when I see her defeat him.”

  “She defeats Fyren?”

  I shared Kenway’s doubt. Kendra’s sight must be failing her.

  She sat at the table piled with cracked plates and mugs. Ingen was beside her, playing with the broken dishes.

  “I saw him fall, with Audrey standing over him.” I could feel the fury in her. She hated him. “He will reap the whirlwind.”

  “He must,” said Ingen, without looking up. She laid out the broken plates and pieces, trying to match them up.

  Reap the whirlwind? I didn’t know what they meant, but I said nothing.

  “My father will give us men,” said Kenway. “My brother’s a good warrior. He’ll help.”

  I heard concern, mingled with hope, in his voice. He still thought he could redeem his honor.

  I went to the window and stared out at the ocean.

  “It’s too late for your father,” Kendra said. I looked back at Kenway, worried for him. “Most likely,” Kendra told him, “Fyren has already defeated the old lord.”

  “So sad,” said Ingen. “The regent loves this land, but has lost his heart. You can’t rule without a heart.”

  Nor could you rule with a heart filled with the weaknesses of others.

  Kenway’s mouth twitched. I thought of his sister, so sweet to me. I wanted to reach out to him, to comfort him. But I did not.

  “Did you see that in your visions, Kendra?” he asked.

  “No,” she said. “But if I’m right, you’re putting it all in jeopardy. If Fyren has taken your father’s castle, he has men there. You’ll walk into a trap.”

  “I’ve already failed them once. I won’t abandon them.”

  “You’ll do what is needed. You’ll sacrifice, as we all have.” She moved past him, her long white hair glowing in the gray light. “You must bring Audrey to the castle. There is little time.” She leaned over a pot on the fire. As she stirred, the room filled with the aroma of strange spices.

  Kenway looked at me as if he expected me to argue his side. I dropped my eyes. He turned to Kendra. “We won’t defeat Fyren without my father’s men.”

  “I saw it, just last night, while you slept.”

  “How? What weapons will we have? And I am only one knight. How is Shadow to defeat him?”

  “You must trust me,” she said.

  “This is madness!” Kenway yelled. “You’ll get her killed.” He took a step toward her. “Is that your true intent?”

  She slid her eyes over to him. “I don’t know if you will live or die, Kenway.” He flinched. “But if you do as I say, Audrey will be queen, and the world will be right again.

  “In three days, Fyren will attempt to crown himself king. The courtyard will be filled with people invited to join the festivities. His coronation will be held on the balcony of the Prince’s House, in front of the crowd. Audrey must be there.” She nodded at me. “Everyone must see you defeat him. Then they’ll know you are the true queen.”

  “But you don’t know how she will do it?”

  “I cannot see it.”

  “Stupid woman!” Kenway shouted. He left the cottage, banging the thin door, sending one of its boards flying to the dirt floor. The wind blew the door against the wall. I saw Kenway pacing back and forth.

  “You must leave now, Audrey. You don’t have much time.”

  I looked back at the sea. A lone gangly bird flew just a few feet above the water. Kenway could take me to the village on his way back to the castle.

  “Your life is not your own,” she said. “It belongs to us.”

  She was using my own words, twisting them for her use. Words I had said to Kenway. Was it just four days ago? It seemed a lifetime.

  “It belonged to you,” I said, still watching the bird. “It’s mine now.”

  “Do you think you’re the only one who has ever known hardship?”

  “You are not,” said Ingen, looking over at me.

  “Your life is your own,” I told Kendra. “You don’t know what I feel.”

  “I was thrown out of my village by my own mother because I saw and heard things she could not. Larcwide married me for my sight and then took my child away. Now my child is dead. What do you know of suffering?”

  “You let those things happen. No one tells me what I do. Not now.”

  I thought she might slap me.

  “You desire all those you love…to die for your freedom?”

  Through the open door, I watched Kenway. “I love no one.” The words pulled at my heart.

  She strode over to me and grasped my hands. I tried to shake her off, but she was strong.

  “Look at me, Audrey,” she said. “Look.”

  I jumped back. Strange colorless shapes swirled in her eyes. I couldn’t free myself from her grip.

  “Do you see him?”

  I did see him. His little body curled up in a ball. He was in a small, stone room, with little light. I saw his face. His eyes were open, but there was little life there. His lips moved. He called for his mother.

  A shadow fell over him. Wake up, said a voice I instantly recognized. Fyren. He kicked Piers with the silver tip of his black boot, and pain shot through me. I heard Piers groan as I doubled over. Tell me where he is, boy. Fyren’s boot came back and back. This was Fyren’s blackness turned against a child, seen with my own eyes. How could this be the same man who had smiled at me?

  I flung away Kendra’s hands. Her eyes were a raging red—I saw my own anger there.

  “Piers will die without you,” she said.

  “You’re trying to trick me,” I said, holding my throbbing stomach.

  “Fyren knew Piers was a spy and used him. Only you can save him.”

  “You blame me for Devona’s death. You want me to die because of your hate.”

  “I want you to live and destroy the man who murdered my child.”

  I trembled in the cold air. “Where’s Piers?”

  She smiled. “In the dungeon of your castle.”

  I looked out the window. The bird was gone.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  We talked as we broke fast together, making plans. Ingen would stay with Kendra. They would visit the temple again and try to reach Erce. Kenway and I would go back to the castle. He’d help me get Piers.

  But we could agree on little else.

  “Ingen,” I asked, “what will you do if you can’t reach Erce?”

  “Whatever needs to be done.”

  I felt her conviction and grabbed her hands. “You must not try to merge your spirit with hers. Don’t let Kendra talk you into some mad plan of hers.”

  Kendra
looked at me meaningfully. “So Ingen is in your care after all, my queen?”

  I released Ingen’s hands and looked away.

  Kendra explained how the coronation would take place on the balcony of the Prince’s House three mornings from now, right before noon. She insisted Kenway find a way to get me to the balcony.

  “With the guards there? All by myself?”

  “You’ll do it,” she told him.

  He threw up his hands.

  “There is no use in fighting over this,” I said. “I will not confront Fyren. I’ll get Piers, and that is all.”

  “You cannot be so selfish,” Kenway said.

  “Don’t,” I said, but felt the truth of his words. Such a storm raged within my soul.

  “How can you be so uncaring of Deor’s fate?” he said. “You are our queen.”

  I could not hear any more of this. I left the cottage and made my way down the rocky path to the shore. The sea was loud and persistent. It slid along the sand, edging toward my feet. Then it receded, tempting me to follow it. Again and again, it came to me and went back out. Would the waves rescue me from this sickness eating away at my spirit?

  I couldn’t cope with these feelings of others. They were crippling me. If I became a queen, with the cares of an entire kingdom upon me, I would surely sink into madness. What good would I be to anyone then?

  I thought about Devona’s suffering. She might have been spared that if she had not been thrust into the life of a queen. She would have lived. She would have known her mother. Kendra would have taught her that her visions were gifts and not demons trying to possess her.

  Could my mother do that for me?

  Hot tears of frustration pricked at my eyes. A simple life might give me refuge from this pain. Those stolen moments in Goodham had been the loveliest I had ever known. It seemed so little to ask for, especially when I didn’t think my soul would survive if I were queen.

  I didn’t know what to do now. I’d always known what to do.

  Who could I confide in? Kenway’s devotion to duty was like that of a zealot, as was Ingen’s faith in Erce. Erce was powerful, but deeply flawed. Her selfishness kept her from caring for her people. She had shown that again and again. And Kendra, there was something about her that was not right. I laughed through my tears. I did indeed feel like a queen with the weight of a kingdom upon me.