Home No More

by Leddy Harper

  “Yes, Link; not that it’s any of your business, but we had sex.”

  His hands tightened on the black steering wheel as he stared straight ahead, not even glancing in my direction. Why in the hell would he be mad that I had sex with Billy. He knew that’s what I was going there to do. He even made a couple comments about it. Yet, there he sat, angrily squeezing the life out of the steering wheel.

  “Did the half naked chick leaving his place just after you got there really not bother you?”

  “You saw that?”

  “Of course I saw it. So did the entire neighborhood.”

  I couldn’t decipher his tone or his demeanor. It didn’t feel like judgment, although I didn’t know what else it would be. Pity? Damnation?

  “You can keep the judgments or the sympathy to yourself. I don’t need it.” I looked back out the window. I could hear him breathing heavily next to me, but it felt like an eternity before he finally spoke again.

  “I just don’t understand you. You seem like such a strong person, yet you jump on his dick while it’s probably still soaked in her come.” And there it was. He wasn’t judging me, he felt let down. I disappointed him.

  “I can’t expect him to be celibate while I’m gone,” I repeated the same words Billy used. It didn’t sound right when he said it, and it sounded even worse coming from my mouth. It was like I was a parrot, repeating everything he told me. He was my cult and I drank his Kool-Aid.

  “I would.”

  I felt myself stop breathing, trying to figure out what he meant by that. So I asked him.

  “What do you mean?”

  “If I were in love with someone the way you say he is with you, I would wait for her to come back. I wouldn’t just give in the moment desperation or temptation hits. It’s what you do when you love someone. Have you been with anyone other than him since you’ve been together?”

  “Define be with someone.” I knew I was opening a can of worms, but I didn’t care.

  “Have you kissed another man since you started dating him?”

  “Yes,” I answered truthfully.

  “Have you been with anyone in any sexual way since you started dating him?”

  “Yes.”

  He quickly turned his head at me and looked up and down with a disgusted expression. It angered me to see the abhorrence on his face. “Then I guess you two are meant for each other.”

  “That’s not fair,” I quipped. “He was there with me. I didn’t do it behind his back. It wasn’t cheating.” I knew I would have to explain, but in my defensive mind, I didn’t care.

  “So what, you guys had an open relationship or something?”

  I thought about how I would answer him. I knew no matter what words I chose to use, he would never understand. I could tell in his eyes he would never get it. But I tried to explain anyway. “There were a few times we were around other people and things just happened. We had rules. I wasn’t allowed to have sex with anyone else, and neither was he, but we did other things with some of the people there.”

  “Did you want to or did you only do it because he wanted you to?”

  I don’t know why I had to think about that answer. I had never thought about it before, always believing it was what I wanted to do. But the more I thought back on those times, the more I started doubting that.

  “I was high every single time. I’m sure I wanted to do it as much as he did.”

  “It doesn’t matter what drugs I take, I could never share the woman I love with anyone.”

  Oh, wasn’t he just the perfect guy. But for some reason, I couldn’t help but let his words eat at me. I suddenly felt guilty for what I had done in the past with Billy. I had never felt that way before, even during the mornings when I woke up on the floor surrounded by naked and twisted bodies, remembering bits and pieces of the night before. Why was I allowing this guy to make me feel this way? I could only pass it off as a side effect of having a friend.

  I could feel the irritation rise. It wasn’t until I felt his hand over my arm that I realized I had been scratching again. It was something I did, subconsciously, in order to not lash out.

  “I’m sorry. I was judging you, and I apologize.” Link sounded sincere.

  “You don’t know me, and you don’t know my life. So I’d appreciate it if you didn’t make comments like you’re better than me. I’m not used to having someone know the things I’ve done, and so far I don’t like it.”

  “You don’t like it because you regret it or you just don’t like someone else knowing?”

  It was a fair enough question. “I don’t regret anything. It’s made me who I am today.”

  “True,” was all he said before looking back to the road.

  “Do you regret anything you’ve done?” I asked, wanting the topic away from me.

  “Yeah. I regret a lot.”

  “But nothing you want to share?”

  “Is this one of your questions?” he asked with a sideways smile.

  I shrugged. “Nah. I really don’t care that much.”

  I watched him glance down to my lap. “What’s that?” he asked about the envelope I was still holding on to. I felt the paper in my hands, crinkling it in my fists as I thought of what I was going to do with it, or even what it was.

  “Something Billy gave me. He said he found it in his dad’s things and it’s for me.”

  “What’s in it?”

  I shrugged my shoulders, not really wanting to answer him. “I haven’t opened it yet. He said to wait until I got home because I’ll have questions to ask. I want to know what it says, but at the same time, I don’t. I don’t wanna ask questions. I don’t wanna know about my family.”

  My feelings about my family could go both ways. Sometimes I thought I wanted to know what happened to them, but it was more or less wanting to know why John took me. The last thing I wanted was a history lesson on the people that claimed to be family, but have never been there for me. I know, it’s really fucked up that I kept blaming them for not being there when they technically didn’t have a choice, but I couldn’t help that. They had a choice now, and they were choosing to keep me away from the only person I loved. And that only fueled my hatred toward them.

  Link placed his hand over mine, stopping the sound of paper crunching in my hand. I looked over at him and was surprised by the look on his face. His blue eyes pierced through me, yet they were soft and gentle. He was letting me know he was on my side. I appreciated that.

  “If you want to, you can read it with me. We still have some time before we get home. If you have questions, maybe I can help you find the answers to them.” He may have had the ability to make me feel guilty about the things I had done in my past, but he also had a way of making me feel content–okay even. Like everything would work out.

  It took me a few minutes to decide to open the letter, but before I read it, I needed Link to understand one thing. “I don’t know what this says, but no matter what’s in it, you cannot use it against me or Billy. Got it? No going to the police and trying to start more shit.”

  “I swear. I just want to help you. I don’t want to cause more problems.”

  I let out a deep sigh and unfolded the paper.

  Dear Kendall,

  If you’re reading this then that means I am not around to explain it to you. I wanted to wait until you turned eighteen to explain things. First and foremost, I want to explain me. I met my wife, Loretta, when I was in high school. I loved her from the moment I laid eyes on her. We fell in love and married right after graduation. Soon after, we found out the best news of our lives. We were going to have a baby. Loretta wanted a girl, I wanted a boy. She picked out the most beautiful name for a girl, Kendall. But that’s not what we had.

  During her labor, things turned bad. Billy was born and he was healthy. But there were serious complications with Loretta, and we ended up losing her. I was lost. My whole life seemed to fall apart. I had gotten what I wanted, a boy, and felt it was somehow my fault.
I spent years blaming myself, thinking if Billy had been a girl then she’d still be alive. And it was my stubbornness on wanting a boy that caused her death. I know, it’s absurd, but that’s how I felt.

  I watched Billy grow up without a mother and without siblings, and it broke my heart. I didn’t go after you to steal you away from a happy family. I swear. And I didn’t take you to fill some need within me either. It just happened, and all I wanted to do was keep you safe like I was unable to do for my Loretta.

  I started dating someone when I was twenty-four, Billy was only five. I had spent five years watching him grow up, wanting him to have a mother figure in his life. She was a wonderful woman but had some things going on in her own life and we ended up parting ways less than a year later. I always held a torch for her and had hoped one day she would straighten everything out and we’d be able to be together again, and be a family like we had always talked about being.

  A couple years later, we reconnected. And I was on my way to go see her one evening when I watched a car drive off the road. I jumped out to try to help, but the two people in the front were already gone. That’s when I noticed you in the backseat. I panicked and took you with me, with every intention of taking you to the hospital. But on my way there, something happened. I realized both of your parents were gone, and you’d be left to live a life worse than Billy. Not only would you not have a mother, but you wouldn’t have a father either. And I couldn’t find it within myself to do that to you. So I took you home.

  I gave you the name my wife so lovingly picked out for a daughter we would never have together. I tried my best to give you the best life I could. I know that staying away from the outside world isn’t ideal, but you were always the happiest kid. And you were always so smart.

  Now that you are an adult, I need to tell you about that night.

  Your parents were heavily intoxicated. I can only assume that was why they crashed. I could smell it on them as I tried to check for any sign of them being alive. I was horrified to know they were driving with their small child in the backseat while they were so drunk. I knew if I had taken you to the police, your life would have been worse than the one I gave you.

  I so badly wanted to be the one to tell you the whole story and answer all your questions, but I cannot. I just pray this shortened version of the events that led you to me are enough for you until you can find out everything you can about who you are.

  I hope you can learn to forgive me for taking you from your family, but I also hope you can see my reasoning. I do love you like my own flesh and blood, and have always put you first. I always had the best intentions for you. I love you, Kendall.

  Love, John.

  There was silence in the car once I was done reading the letter out loud. I could sense Link looking in my direction but didn’t know for sure since I was still staring at the paper in my hand. I could feel the tears rolling down my cheeks, but I didn’t make a sound. I silently cried to myself until we were home.

  It was Tuesday and I was sitting in Dr. Montage’s office. I hadn’t said anything else about the letter to anyone. Link and I never discussed it again, and I didn’t bring it up to Jeri. I knew I needed time to process it all and figure out what questions I wanted to be answered and which ones I didn’t care to know.

  Jeri was sitting next to me on the couch. She was a little worried when I had asked her to join me, but Dr. Montage thought it was a good idea for us to start talking. She, however, didn’t know what it was I wanted to talk about. It kind of made me laugh inside knowing I was about to open a can of worms while she sat there, in her chair, feeling uppity about this new openness.

  “Kendall wanted to have you in here today. I think she may be ready to start talking; maybe ask some questions you might have answers to,” Joanne began. Yes, I had questions, but I was sure they weren’t the ones either one of these people thought they’d be.

  Jeri turned to me. Her face looked gleeful and content as she waited for me to begin.

  “Why did my parents crash their car?” I was going to test her first. This should be fun.

  She blinked her pale blue eyes at me a few times before answering. “I’m not sure. I wasn’t there. But they said there were two tire tracks so I would assume someone ran them off the road. But I can only go by the police reports. Your Uncle Jack could probably tell you more.”

  I knew she was lying. It was written all over her from her jerky eye movements to her nervous hands. I knew those traits well; I suffered from them, too. She couldn’t pull anything over on me and I wasn’t about to let her think she could.

  “It just doesn’t make any sense to me why John would just run a complete stranger off the road and kidnap me, not even knowing I was in the car to begin with. There just has to be some other explanation.” I feigned ignorance, hoping I’d catch her in more lies.

  “Maybe he was at the restaurant with you and followed you out,” she offered.

  “No,” Joanne interrupted. “Since she’s been back and it’s been discovered who had her, they followed up with the restaurant and it’s been proven he wasn’t there.” I wanted to smile at her for her unknowing help, but I refrained from showing my cards just yet.

  “Maybe he was in the parking lot. Maybe he never actually went inside,” she tried again.

  “The other tire tracks were going the opposite way. It would make sense if he was behind the vehicle, not coming from the north.” Joanne had no idea how much she was helping me.

  I watched as Jeri became even more nervous. I think Dr. Montage noticed it as well, but she didn’t comment on it, only gave Jeri a concerned expression.

  “Did they do any toxicology reports on them?” I asked, never taking my eyes from hers.

  “Um,” she stammered. “I don’t think so. I don’t think they had any reason to.”

  I looked back at Joanne, watching her assess the situation. I was about to flip it all upside down. After I had gotten back home from my trip to see Billy, I decided to do a little research for myself before I brought it up to Jeri or anyone else.

  I found newspaper articles from that time about the crash. It was a small town, so it was fairly easy to find. They mentioned that Doug and Corinne Tucker, both age twenty-one, had been in an automobile accident. Information I already knew. But the longer I looked, the more I was able to find.

  “I’m just kinda wondering if good ‘ole Uncle Jack had anything to do with it. You know? He was a cop and my mom’s brother, and I wonder if he might have had some influence in covering anything up. Like maybe suggest against a toxicology report being done.”

  “Oh, I doubt that. He’s a good cop. And there would be no need to cover up anything.”

  Her hands flew in the air as she dismissed the idea, like sweeping dirt under the rug. And it seemed to me that she’d been doing that for the last fourteen years, sweeping it under the rug. That’s fine, I was about to pull the rug out from under her and make her see all the shit she’d been hiding.

  “I’m pretty sure if I go digging, I might be able to find that the coroner might’ve been directed or persuaded into not running a tox screen. And I can only imagine the shit that would show up on Jack’s front door step if that were the case. Because, you see, I have recently come across some info about my parents being heavily intoxicated while driving that night. And it wouldn’t take much to prove that theory. There’s gotta be something that will prove how much they had to drink at that restaurant. And I’m assuming it would be very, very bad for Jack if he did, in fact, instruct them not to run their blood. But maybe I’m wrong. What do you say, Dr. Montage?”

  Joanne had been looking at Jeri the entire time I spoke. I know this because I could see it out of my peripheral vision as I, too, stared at Jeri. When she finally turned her attention back to me at my question to her, I saw a bit of a stunned expression. The sight gave me a high. I actually managed to stun the un-stun-able doctor.

  “Well, Kendall, to answer your question, yes. Your uncle would
probably be looking at a criminal charge for tampering with evidence as well as using his position for personal gain. I’m sure there may be other charges as well; if it were proven he had done what it is I think you are accusing him of.”

  Jeri looked scared, but I didn’t care. “If you’re worried about Dr. Montage reporting anything you say, you don’t have to worry about that. She is not allowed to report anything unless it regards a future crime. So you can feel free to tell me the truth at any time now,” I told her, trying to use the most calming voice I could find. I had learned it from the good ‘ole doctor herself.

  “Yes, they were drunk,” she admitted with a shaky voice.

  “Then why in the hell would you let me go on for well over a month thinking John was some kind of monster that took me from perfect parents?” I was angry and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t contain it. I let my anger loose and exploded.

  Joanne had to try to calm me down, but it was no use. I could see in Jeri’s clear eyes how worried she was talking about it. I was too angry to feel sorry for her. She should have thought about that before lying to me for all this time. How was I supposed to trust her now? And she wanted me to stay there after legally becoming an adult? The chances of that just flew right out the fucking window.

  “It wasn’t my choice. I didn’t know anything about them being drunk until a while later. And by that point, they were already in the ground. The toxicology report had already been skipped and the deed was done.

  “I never had any intentions of lying to you, but what was I supposed to say? Tell you about the poor choice they made? It doesn’t change the fact that this John guy took you from us. We can’t go back in time and change it now.”

  “John saw it all happen and tried to save them, but they were already gone. He took me, planning on going to the hospital with me, but changed his mind once he realized the kind of life I would have knowing both of my parents killed themselves and could’ve killed me, too.”

  “How do you know all of this?” Joanne asked.