Home No More

by Leddy Harper

  “It was my uncle that covered it up.”

  “Then it looks like your search will be easier than you think.”

  I let out a sarcastic laugh. “Not really. He’s an asshole. He won’t tell me shit.”

  “You have a good way of getting assholes to talk.” He laughed. I knew he was referring to himself. I had plenty of experience getting him to tell me things. “But listen, I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to be talking while you do this.”

  “Did you move on?” I held my breath. I don’t know why I asked him that, I didn’t really want to know the answer.

  “Kendall, that’s not it. No one can move on from you. I just think it would be best if you did this on your own, find out the information you need to know, and then come back to me. In the meantime, I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to keep talking. It won’t do you any good.”

  I couldn’t decipher my feelings. I was angry at the thought of him giving up on me and sad for losing him. Again, I was confused. I missed the times when the only emotions I felt were irritation and anger, along with love and lust, of course.

  “Just tell me the truth, Billy—are you seeing someone?”

  He didn’t answer right away and it broke my heart. “No. I’m not seeing someone. You have to understand what this does to me. I’m living in a house I used to share with you, and now you’re not here anymore. You’re not home when I get off work. You’re not in bed when I wake up. This shit is killing me, too, and having to hear your voice, and see your face, remembering what it’s like to be inside of you, and then you not be here every day, kills me. It’s fucking ruining me. Us not talking is good for you and me. Stop being so damn selfish and see that.”

  He had a point. I never thought what it would be like for him. At least where I’m at, I don’t have daily reminders of him, other than the constant pain in my chest. I guess I didn’t think about how he’d feel with me being gone. I was being selfish. And not just toward Billy.

  “Okay. I get it.”

  “I love you, Kendall,” he whispered into the phone.

  “I love you, too, Billy.” I could feel the familiar sting behind my eyes. I refused to cry on the phone with him. I knew it would only hurt him more and I didn’t want to do that to him. He was already having a hard enough time with me being gone, and I couldn’t continue to be selfish when it came to his feelings.

  I didn’t even get to say goodbye. The line went dead and I held the phone in my hand, staring at the blinking screen as it told me the call duration time. All I could think about was how I didn’t get to say bye. I had to mentally scold myself for that thought. Maybe it was too difficult for him to say that word to me. Maybe it would hurt more if he heard me say it. I made up my mind right then and there. I would not be selfish any more than I already had been. I needed to do what I had to in order to make things right again. With everyone. And that started with Link.

  Calling him wasn’t an option. I knew I had to speak to him face-to-face. I left the house in a hurry and found myself standing on his front doorstep. It had taken a few tries before I was able to ring the doorbell. He didn’t come. So I rang it again.

  After a few minutes of standing there, I decided he wasn’t inside. His car was in the driveway so I knew he wasn’t far. The only place I could think of was the spot by the bridge on the golf course.

  I made my way behind his house and found him exactly where I expected him to be.

  “Seat taken?” I asked as I sat next to him.

  “Forrest Gump?” he asked with a laugh.

  “A what?” I was confused.

  “Sounded like you were quoting Forrest Gump.”

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about. What’s a forest gump?”

  He looked at me like I had two heads. “First of all, Forrest Gump is not a what, it’s a who. And second of all, you seriously have never heard of him?”

  I took the joint from his hand, inhaling it before I felt even more like an idiot. “No, I haven’t. So who is he?” I asked as I exhaled the smoke from my lungs.

  Link took one more hit before putting it out and grabbed me by my hand, dragging me to his house. I followed him to his room and lay on his bed while he worked his DVD player. “Get ready to be amazed.”

  I laughed hysterically at him. It may not have been that funny, but at the time, I found him hilarious. He climbed into bed and started the movie. Forrest Gump. It proved to be the saddest movie I had ever seen. I was crying in Link’s shirt long before the end of it and sat stunned as the credits began to roll.

  “Why the fuck would you make me watch that?” I cried. Literally, I was still crying.

  “Because you had never heard of it before. And it’s the best movie ever.”

  “Best movie? I’m pretty sure if you have snot coming from your nose at any point during a movie, it is not in the running for the best.”

  He just laid there and laughed at me. I began to laugh at myself. It felt good. I felt like the old me again. I couldn’t have been more thankful for Link or this sad Forrest Gump guy for bringing me back.

  “Listen,” I started. “I’m sorry for how I acted earlier today.”

  “There’s no need to apologize.”

  “Yes, there is. I was out of line and being childish. I didn’t realize how selfish I was being and for that, I need to say I’m sorry. You have been a very good friend to me, the best I’ve ever had, and I shouldn’t have treated you that way.”

  “You know, that may sound like a great compliment in theory, but it’s kind of hard to be the best friend you’ve ever had when you’ve admitted to never having any. That’s like saying chocolate is the best flavor of ice cream when you’ve never had anything else.”

  I smacked him on the arm and lay next to him. “You know what I mean,” I said as I stared up at his blank ceiling.

  “I do. And thank you.” He moved his arm under me and pulled me closer. It was awkward to begin with, but I quickly found it very comforting. I didn’t realize how much I needed it until I fully gave in and found myself waking hours later.

  Link was still asleep next to me with the screen saver on his TV bouncing around, allowing a small amount of light to move about in his room. I glanced at the clock next to his bed and jumped when the time registered in my brain.

  He jumped with me when I screamed. “Shit!”

  “What?” he asked, still half asleep.

  “It’s three o’clock in the morning. Jeri must be shitting herself.”

  I ran downstairs and flew out the front door, leaving Link far behind.

  Jeri’s door was unlocked when I slowly turned the handle. I cautiously walked in, worried about what I would be greeted with. Jeri and Jack sat at the kitchen table with only the light on in the kitchen. Once they saw me approach, they both jumped up. It was Jeri that ran to me, engulfing me in her frail arms while Jack stood back and watched with a brooding face.

  “You had me so worried,” she told me with a shaky voice.

  “I was just over at Lincoln’s house. We were watching a movie and fell asleep.”

  “Yeah, we know,” Jack spoke up.

  “If you know, then why were you so worried?” My question was directed at Jack, not Jeri, but it was her that answered me.

  “We didn’t know that until just a little bit ago. When you didn’t come home, I called your cell phone, only to hear it ring from back in your room. We looked at it, trying to find some clue as to where you were. We saw the last person you talked to was that boy. And I was worried you had left to go back there.”

  “I didn’t. I talked to him earlier today.”

  “We know,” Jack cut in again. “I called him. He informed me of your decision to not contact him anymore.” Did Billy tell him it was my decision to cut off ties with him? I didn’t know why he would tell him that. And I wouldn’t be able to find out anytime soon, either.

  I was beginning to become very angry with Jack. “So if you fucking know all of this,
why the hell are you sitting here acting so damn concerned for me?”

  He stepped closer to me, a fire burning in his green eyes. The same green eyes I saw every time I looked in the mirror. “Your grandmother had been worried sick about you all night. She called me a couple hours ago to come over and help her locate you. Do you have any idea what your little stunt has caused her? Dr. Hunt called about an hour ago after she came home from work. She informed us you were there. This was after hours of not being able to reach you. Hours of not knowing where you were. You have no idea of the amount of pain you’ve caused this family, and it shows by your carelessness tonight.”

  Jeri intervened before I could lash out. “Jack, that’s enough. It wasn’t done on purpose. She had a rough day today and I’m sure it took a lot out of her. It wasn’t intentional. She’s home. She’s safe. That’s all I’m concerned about. Thank you for being here for me. You may go home now.”

  She held onto my arm as Jack sneered at me and walked past. It wasn’t until he closed the front door behind him before she let go of me and began to speak. “It’s not your fault. I don’t want you to think I was worried because of something you did. I just couldn’t help but be worried. You weren’t here and I didn’t know where you were. Don’t let your uncle get to you. I think he may have been more worried than I was. He took your original disappearance harder than anyone and I think he still holds on to some of that initial panic.”

  “He treats me like I did something wrong. I can understand if I ran away or something, but I didn’t.”

  “I know, sweetheart. He knows that, too. He’s just had a really rough time with all of this. He doesn’t really know what to do and he feels bad for not handling it right.” She ran her hand over my arm. “It’s late. Let’s try to get some sleep. It’s been a long and hard day for both of us.”

  I gave her a small smile and walked away.

  I curled into the bed after changing my clothes and thought about what Jeri said. It didn’t make a whole lot of sense to me. If Jack really felt bad for handling things the wrong way, then why was he still doing it? He practically accused me of staying over at Link’s house on purpose just to worry Jeri. He couldn’t have felt that bad about it. There had to be something else behind it. Maybe it had something to do with what he admitted to Link. I had to figure it out. I just didn’t know how to.

  Sleep didn’t come as fast as I thought it would. I tossed and turned for hours, unable to shut off my brain. I may have gotten four hours of sleep before my eyes popped open with the sun beaming through the curtains.

  I heard voices coming from the kitchen. I threw some clothes on and quietly made my way out. I found Link sitting at the table with Jeri as she drank her morning coffee. They both turned their heads toward me as I walked in the room. The air suddenly felt like it had been sucked out of the room as their eyes stayed on me the entire time.

  “What’s going on out here?” I finally broke the silence.

  “I came to pick you up, and to apologize to Jerilee for scaring her last night.”

  “Oh, okay. Pick me up? Where are we going?” I asked.

  “It’s a surprise. Are you ready?”

  “Depends on where we’re going.”

  “Then yes, you’re ready. Put your shoes on. I’ll be in the car.” He said goodbye to Jeri and left. I stood in the middle of the room, not quite sure what I had interrupted before getting out of bed.

  “Everything okay in here?” I asked Jeri.

  “Yes. Lincoln is a very good kid. I’m glad you found a friend in him.” She stood and refilled her coffee cup, offering some to me. I declined and she sat back down. “Oh, and I called this morning and set up a time for you to take your first set of GED tests. They were able to get you in next week. Is that okay? I’m sorry I didn’t ask you before I called, but I didn’t think they’d get you in so quickly.”

  I smiled at her, not completely sure why. “Yes, that’s fine. Thank you.”

  Maybe it was seeing her so frightened the night before, or realizing just what my disappearance had done to her, but something in me felt different toward her. I didn’t want to upset her, and I didn’t want to hate her anymore. I just wanted answers and hoped they wouldn’t lead to her being the bad guy again.

  I met Link out in the driveway. “Where are we going?”

  “You said you wanted answers about your parents. We’re going to get some.”

  “Oh yeah? And how do you suppose we do that?”

  “We’re going to start off with Officer Jack Ass.”

  I laughed at the nickname. I had used it myself a few times but found it funny coming from someone else.

  “And then we’re going to see where that leads us.”

  After we had got to the small police station, I followed Link inside. He walked in like he owned the place, ordering to see Officer Gaines. We were immediately taken to a small room that couldn’t be any bigger than a closet. We had waited a few minutes before Jack came in.

  “What can I do for you?” He threw himself into a folding chair and crossed his arms, like it was the last place he wanted to be. I would have given anything to see that chair fold underneath him. Of course, it didn’t.

  “We just have some questions you should be able to answer. And we were hoping you’d help us out.” Why the hell was Link being so proper with this asshole? For someone who walked in the building with so much swagger, he certainly left his balls with the receptionist, because they weren’t in this room with us.

  “And what answers do you think I have for you?”

  I decided to take over the questions. “You covered up the toxicology report for my parents after the accident. Why?”

  Jack nodded his head and looked me straight in the eye. “Your grandmother told me about you finding that out. The only thing I can tell you was that I was young and naïve and I was trying to do what I thought was best.”

  “Best?” I countered.

  “Yes. At the time, we didn’t know where you were. The thought of someone taking you from the car after the accident didn’t seem plausible. It seemed more likely that your parents were too intoxicated and left you somewhere. I didn’t want that getting out, so I covered it up. I shouldn’t have done that and by the time we realized that’s not what happened, it was too late. All we cared about was finding you and whether or not they had been drinking had no bearing on that.”

  “You told Link about how you tried to let the law handle losing a little girl, and how you wished you could have done something different. It doesn’t sound like covering up something is allowing the law to do its job,” I argued back.

  “That’s not what I was talking about. Since I was family, I couldn’t be an active part in the investigation. I could help out as a volunteer, but that was about it. I left it in the hands of the law and I regret that. I should have fought harder to find you. I should’ve done more. And I’ve spent a lifetime regretting that.”

  “How come no one ever talks about my parents?”

  “I can’t speak for anyone else, but for me, it’s because it’s too difficult to. Not only did I lose my little sister entirely way too early, but it also reminds me of losing you, too. If there’s anything you want to know about them, you’re free to ask. I’ll answer as best I can.”

  He was being too open, too giving, and it didn’t fit with the person I had known since coming back.

  “Were they good parents?” I don’t know where the question came from, but I had to know.

  “They were young, and clearly made some poor choices, but your mother loved you very much and I believe she did what she thought was best for you.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “No parent is perfect. And especially ones that start off so young. You have to know, your mother was seventeen when she had you. Your father had just graduated high school. She did the best she could for you, but they had their own struggles trying to balance life and a baby. It’s not the kind of life I’d wish on any
one.”

  I saw a whole new side to Jack. I was finding it hard to hate him at the time. The way he spoke about my mother—his sister—had me feeling for him and for the loss he must have felt when she was ripped away from his family.

  “I just feel like there’s something no one is telling me.”

  “I wish I could tell you, but I don’t know what it is you’re looking for.”

  “Why do you hate me?” The words flew out of my mouth before I could stop them.

  Jack looked down to the table, then covered his face with his large hands before looking back to me. “I don’t hate you, Danielle.” I didn’t even correct him. The look in his eyes seemed too pitiful and sad, and I couldn’t find it in me to argue with him. I needed to hear what he had to say. “I love you very much. And I worry about you. You’re just like your mother; do you know that? You have her defiance. She always felt she was invincible, no matter how many times she was proven wrong. And I see that in you. I don’t want you to have the same fate she did.”

  “I don’t know what that means.”

  “Like the night you vanished. She probably thought she could have a few drinks and be okay. She wasn’t okay. Nothing since then has been okay. But no one could talk any sense into her. She lived her life by her rules without any concern for anyone else. You do the same.

  “You came here with a chip on your shoulder. You have done nothing but give my mother a hard time, even when she gives in to you. I didn’t think it was a good idea for you to have a phone, but she insisted. She has a bit of a defiance streak in her as well. I guess it was passed down to the women in our family.” He smiled.

  “It just seems like you wanna hold me back.”

  Jack reached out and placed his hand over mine on the table. I looked down at the joined hands and wondered if this is how things could be. If I could be happy with this new family of mine. I just couldn’t let go of the nagging feeling that there were things I still didn’t know.