This Courage of Mine

by Amanda Bennett

  “It was a show. You know, same ole shit. Cami, what happened?”

  “Honestly, I don’t know. Kayla came by the house earlier and tried to talk to me, but I really wasn’t in the mood. Needless to say, we ended up fighting. Of course it was my fault and I was being a complete bitch, but regardless, it didn’t end well. I felt bad, so I decided to go to the shop and try to work things out with her. But before I could even go in, I passed out. It was scary. I was brought to the hospital, and when I woke up everything seemed fine with us, but then I had to go and say something stupid, and now we aren’t speaking again.”

  “Seriously? I’m sorry, love.”

  “It’s okay. Not much I can do about it now. She left and I haven’t talk to her since. But I have some good news; the officer that had my phone dropped it off to me. So now you can call me on that.”

  “Oh nice. Good, I’m glad I have a way to get a hold of you. I feel a lot more comfortable with not bein’ there, knowin’ you’ve got that. Now tell me exactly what they’re tellin’ you or doin’.”

  “The doctor says that my symptoms aren’t something to be ignored. They are doing an MRI and a CT scan, and drawing some blood as well. He says once he gets the results he will come in and talk to me. Other than that, I’m a sitting duck.”

  “Well I want you to call me as soon as you know somethin’. You hear me?”

  “Yes Glenn, I hear you. I promise the minute I know something you will too. Babe, I really screwed things up with Kayla.”

  “Baby, I’m sure she knows you didn’t mean it. Why don’t you call your mom and have her come to the hospital so you’re not alone?”

  “Seriously? If it’s a choice between having my mother here or being alone, I’m pretty sure I’m gonna choose being alone.” We both laughed and I instantly felt at ease. Her laugh always made me smile and tonight was no exception.

  “Baby, I hate to do this to you, but I gotta go help the guys tear our shit down. Please make sure you call me as soon as you know somethin’.”

  “They’re here to take me to get my MRI and CT. I gotta go babe. As soon as I talk to the doctor I’ll call you. I promise. I love you so much, Glenn.”

  “I love you more, Cam. I’ll talk to ya soon enough. Bye, love.”

  “Bye.”

  As soon as I hung up with her, my heart broke. My wife was sittin’ in a hospital gettin’ all sorts of tests done and I was here, playin’ around. It just wasn’t fair. Everything in me was tellin’ me to go to her. That the tour could wait and even if it couldn’t, it didn’t matter. Everything else just seemed so trivial compared to what Cami was going through. There would always be time for music, but would I always have Cami?

  I was just about to head back in, when somethin’ hit me. I grabbed my phone and called Kayla. If those two weren’t going to fix their shit on their own, then I was gonna intervene before it got even worse.

  “Hello?”

  “Kayla, it’s Glenn. If you don’t get up to that hospital and be with your best friend right now, I will never forgive you. She will never forgive you and you will never forgive yourself. Now go.”

  Chapter 25

  Cami

  I wasn’t sure what time it was when I finally opened my eyes. The room was pitch black and a nurse hadn’t been in to check on me in quite some time. As I rolled onto my back, I noticed a dark shadowy figure sitting in the chair at the foot of my bed. My breathing became strained and I struggled to not scream at the top of my lungs. I slowly patted the bed beneath me trying to find the call button for the nurse, but before I could find it, the shadow stood and moved in my direction. I was about three seconds away from yelling for help, when Kayla’s face came into view.

  I clutched my chest and let out the breath I had been holding. “Kayla, you scared the shit out of me. What are you doing here?”

  “I couldn’t let you be alone. Even though I think you’re a slut, you’re my slut.”

  I let out a strangled laugh. “Kayla, I’m so sorry for what I said. You know I didn’t mean it the way it came out. It’s not an excuse by any means, I just want you to know that I love you to pieces and I would never say anything to deliberately hurt you. Forgive me?” I held my arms open, waiting for Kayla to either hug me back or knock me out.

  “Of course I forgive you.” Kayla wrapped her arms around me in a comforting embrace and all felt right in the world.

  “What time is it?”

  “It’s a little after midnight. Oh, and I called your mom. I know shocker huh? But I told her what was going on and she said just have you call her when you know more.”

  “You actually spoke to my mother?” I let out a loud laugh and Kayla couldn’t help but laugh right along with me. “Wow. Good to know she couldn’t drag her ass up to the hospital to see her only daughter.”

  Just then, there was a knock on the door. I waited to see who it was before I started to worry myself to death. When I saw that it was Dr. Thomas, my heart nearly dropped to the floor. If the look on his face was any indication as to how this conversation was gonna go, then my money was on not very good.

  “I see you’re awake. How are you feeling?”

  “A little groggy and my head is starting to hurt again, but other than that, I feel okay. So what’s the word, doc?” Dr. Thomas took a seat on the small spinning stool that was next to my bed and I instantly knew that it was bad news.

  “Well we got your results back from the MRI, the CT scan and your blood work. Do you want your friend to stay with you while we talk?”

  I nodded, not knowing what to say. “Yeah, I’m staying with her. Go ahead.” I looked at Kayla as she held my hand, silently thanking her for answering for me.

  “It’s not good, Cami. I’m not going to sugar coat it for you because I think if I do, that will only help you not deal with it. First let me ask you, have you been feeling different lately? When I say different, I mean have you had changes in your personality, balance issues, dizzy spells, persistent headaches, and inability to concentrate?”

  “Yes, pretty much all of the above. Why?”

  “Cami, you have a brain tumor. It seems to me based on what you just told me and by the x-rays, that it is a non-functioning pituitary tumor. The good news is that it is operable. We can go in there and remove it, and you can go back to living a normal life. The only catch is, you’re going to have to do some radiation along with the surgery. Now, I know this is a lot to take in right now, but just know that at least now, we have a reason. It’s good that we caught it now. It’s hard to tell how long it has been in there, but as soon as we get in there and get it out, the sooner we’ll know. Are you okay?”

  Dr. Thomas placed his hand on my knee to get my attention, but I literally couldn’t move. Every single thing in my brain ceased to exist the minute he said brain tumor. I couldn’t find the right words to say, and I wasn’t entirely sure that I wanted to. What was I supposed to do now? What did this mean for my future, for my future with Glenn? How could this happen?

  “Cami, I know this is a shock, but you have to look at the positive side of this thing. We caught it early. As long as we stay proactive, you can beat this. And the most important thing to remember is that it’s curable. The type of tumor you have, it is very rare that someone dies from it. I know that this is a lot to take in right now, but do you have any questions for me?”

  I forced myself to blink, to comprehend what he was saying to me. “It is curable?”

  “It is one hundred percent curable.”

  “I…I just…I don’t know how to feel right now. I have so many questions, but they all seem so insignificant right now.”

  “Cami, no question you ask, when it comes to your condition is insignificant. This is serious, so asking the questions and being informed is the best way to fight this.”

  “Will I be able to have kids?” My voice was barely above a whisper. I didn’t want Kayla thinking I was being selfish with all of this, but I had to know. I had to know if I was going to
be able to give a family to Glenn when all of this was said and done.

  “It’s highly likely that you will be able to, but I’m not going to lie to you. I have seen my fair share of women who haven’t been able to conceive after going through radiation. Now there are plenty of options to guarantee that you will, but I wouldn’t worry about that right now.”

  “But I have to worry about that right now. I need to know if it’s not, because if I have to do hormone therapy or anything like that…I just need to know my options.”

  “If I’m being perfectly honest with you, it is very hard and not recommended for women to try and get pregnant for quite sometime after we get rid of the tumor. At least five years. Radiation can also play a factor in fertility. Honestly Cami, you’re young so that will definitely help, but when it comes to tumors, there’s always that small chance that any type of hormones can contribute to the cancer or tumor growing back. I’m really sorry, but like I said, there is always a chance.”

  I didn’t know what to say. Not only did I just find out that I have a brain tumor, but now I have to deal with the fact that I may or may not be able to have kids? “Why me?” I thought I had said it to myself, but Dr. Thomas and Kayla were looking at me with pity in their eyes. “I don’t want y’alls pity.”

  “Honey, nobody pities you. Do I feel bad for you, absolutely, but I would never pity you.”

  I knew Kayla didn’t know what to say and that this was just as much of a shock to her as it was to me, but I needed her to say something comforting. Both of them were staring at me just waiting for some sort of reaction, but I had nothing to give. I didn’t know the right thing to say to comfort them or myself. Right now, there was only one person I needed to talk to and unfortunately; this wasn’t going to be a pleasant conversation.

  “Cami, I think I’m going to give you some time to process all of this. Here is my card. Talk to your husband, your family and your friends and figure out what approach is going to be best for you.”

  “Dr. Thomas, is this a life or death situation?”

  He laughed softly to himself before answering me. “No Cami it’s not, but I do have to tell you that if I were you, I would have the surgery sooner rather than later. It may not be do or die, but your symptoms will only get worse. Now, I’m going to give you a few prescriptions for pain, anxiety, and the dizziness. Take them as they are specifically written, no more no less. If the pain gets too unbearable then you can take extra of those, but they are pretty hefty pills so go easy on them. I expect to hear from you in the next week about where you want to go from here. Sound good?”

  “Yes. Thank you so much Dr. Thomas, for everything. You have made this news a little bit easier to deal with. I promise to call you in the next couple of days.”

  Dr. Thomas stood and gave me a hug. I have never been so scared and confident in all of my life. He was an amazing doctor and I knew with him on my side I was going to get through this just fine. Now all I had to do was tell Glenn.

  Chapter 26

  Glenn

  It was far too early in the mornin’ for any normal human being to be awake, including me. I shuffled my half asleep body out to the kitchen in the hotel we were stayin’ at, in a daze. As I walked through the living room, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Raising one eyebrow in shock at my appearance, I started to laugh. My hair looked like I had licked my finger and stuck it in a light socket. I was still wearing my clothes from after the show, and there was some sort of leftover food stain on my t-shirt. I was a prize.

  The mouth-watering aroma of coffee is what kept me trudgin’ along all the way to the kitchen. My eyes were still half closed when I finally walked in and found Madison hunched over the coffee maker. “What the hell are you doin’?”

  “Oh hey, mornin’. I’m just waitin’ for the coffee to be done.” Madison turned to look at me, but stopped abruptly and burst into a fit of laughter. “Holy shit, dude. Have you seen yourself this mornin’?”

  “Ha ha, yes I have seen myself. This is my new look. You don’t like it?” I joked. “I think all the ladies are gonna want me now and kick your sorry ass to the curb. You just wait.” While Madison was busy laughing at me, I swiped the coffee pot and filled my mug up as full as possible. “Look who’s laughin’ now, dick.” I made my way out of the kitchen before Madison could notice.

  “You’re an asshole.” He shouted from the kitchen.

  “Tell me somethin’ I don’t know.” I grabbed the paper off of the dining room table and settled into the cozy chair at the end. Madison joined me shortly after, but didn’t say much. I was just gettin’ to the sports section when I heard my phone ringing in the other room. I glanced over at the clock on the wall and saw that it was only five thirty, so I decided to ignore it. Who the hell calls someone this early in the mornin’ anyway? A few seconds later, my phone started ringing again. Whoever it was, was pretty fuckin’ persistent.

  “Just answer it. If anything, so it’ll stop ringing.”

  “Grouchy much, Madison?” I stood and slowly but surely made my way into the room that was mine. I stood there lookin’ around for my phone, but didn’t see it anywhere. Lucky for me it started ringing again. I followed the song and eventually found my phone in my jacket pocket.

  “Hello?” My voice was hoarse and my throat was killin’ me.

  “Glenn?”

  “Cam? Is everything okay? It’s super early baby, what’s goin’ on?”

  “Do you have a minute to talk?” I could hear the worry in her tone and I was suddenly wide-awake.

  “Of course, baby. Tell me what’s wrong.” I braced myself for what was to come, the best I knew how.

  “I hate to do this over the phone. I wish I could see you.”

  “Cam, if it’s that important we can Face time each other?”

  “I don’t know. I don’t think I’ll be able to go through with it if I can see your face.”

  “Alright Cami, you’re really startin’ to freak me out. Are you leaving me?” My heart was racing a million miles a minute and I felt like the Hulk, I wanted to smash everything.

  “No, I’m not leaving you. I can’t believe you could even think that. What the hell is wrong with you?”

  “Cami, calm down. What was I supposed to think? You’re givin’ me nothin’ to go off of here.”

  “Okay okay. So I was going to call you after I saw the doctor last night at the hospital, but by the time he came in it was past midnight.”

  “Well, what did he say? I’m dyin’ over here, Cam.”

  “Are you sitting down?” Her voice was as quiet as she could get it.

  “Yes,”

  “Apparently, I have a brain tumor.”

  “You’re jokin’ me right? Come on, what did he really say?” I honestly couldn’t tell if she was jokin’ or not, but I was prayin’ she was.

  “I’m not joking, Glenn. It’s called a non-functioning pituitary tumor. The good thing is that it’s operable, at least Dr. Thomas said that’s what the good part is.”

  Cami continued to talk, but I didn’t hear a single word she said after brain tumor. It felt as though the world just fell right out from beneath me, and I was fallin’ down an endless hole into dark nothingness. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to react. What was the proper way to react to hearing that your nineteen-year-old wife has a brain tumor?

  “Glenn, are you still there?” I could hear the worry and fear in her voice.

  “Yeah, I’m still here. Are…um are you okay?” This had to be a dream.

  “I’m about as good as you can be when you find out you have a brain tumor.”

  “Is that why you’ve been getting all those headaches?”

  “Yeah, along with the dizzy spells and every other thing that has been wrong lately.”

  Suddenly my brain went into crisis mode. I had to have all the information and I needed to make a plan as to where we go from here. “Okay, so you have a brain tumor. Now, what did the doctor say about tr
eatment options. Do we need to do surgery, chemo, radiation? We’re gonna need to get you set up with a neurosurgeon, right? Isn’t that who deals with these types of things?”

  “Babe, slow down. My god. Take a deep breath, love. Like I was saying before you cut me off, surgery is what’s next. Surgery, and then some radiation to make sure that it’s all gone. Dr. Thomas is a neurosurgeon. Glenn?”

  “Yeah, baby.”

  “I’m scared.”

  In all the time I’ve been on the phone with her, not once did I try to listen to how she was feeling. “I know, baby. I’m havin’ a hard time fathoming what is happening. Never in a million years did I think we would be dealing with this. An unplanned pregnancy, yes. But a brain tumor, not so much. When do you need to decide about the surgery and how soon do you need it?”

  “He says it’s not life or death, no pun intended, but he also said the sooner the better. I don’t know what to do. I feel so lost without you here, and I honestly don’t think I can go through this without you.”

  “You won’t have to. I promise you that. I’ll talk to Tony today and see what we can work out. Maybe I can fly home for a week or somethin’. I dunno, but no matter what, we will make it work. Cami your life and our life together is far more important than any job. The guys would completely understand too.”

  “How did I get so lucky?”

  “I’m the lucky one, but yeah, you did get pretty lucky too.” Her laugh floated through the receiver, causing me to smile and laugh along with her. I loved that no matter the situation, I was always able to brighten her day just a little bit.

  “Thank you, Glenn. No matter what happens, I want you to know that I love you more than anything in this world. I’ll let you go so you guys can get ready to go to the next city. I have to start getting ready for work anyway. Mom goes home tomorrow, so I think I’ll go stay at Kayla’s until you get home. Don’t worry about me.”