Leap of Faith

by Fiona McCallum

  ‘Hmm, I guess not.’ This whole idea of having useless horses in paddocks still grated on Jessica.

  ‘How’s the leg doing?’

  ‘Great,’ she said, and realised with slight surprise that it was the first time she’d told the truth about it in ages. In fact, now she thought about it, there was just a gently nagging ache to remind her of her injury. Otherwise, she wouldn’t know it’d ever been fractured. Perhaps it might be safe to get in with Faith tomorrow after all and be a little pushier with her. Maybe then she’d see some progress.

  This thought was still on her mind when they went to bed and made love. It was what she’d worked towards all day but, as she lay entwined with Steve – lovely Steve – all she could think about was how she’d tackle Faith the next day.

  Later, when she was still awake and so deep in thought about the horse, she became very annoyed with herself – she was starting to get obsessed. Again. Already. Jesus, she’d missed having horses. She felt a stab of guilt at realising she didn’t miss Prince and Beau specifically. That was a bit heartless, and far too much like her father.

  She thought perhaps she could retrain horses banished to the scrap pile. And then she thought, Yeah, right, because you got so far today. The voice sounded so like her father’s. Had he been prone to putting her ideas down?

  Yes, she realised. She almost sat up, but stopped herself. Steve was asleep beside her and she didn’t want to wake him.

  Lying there, she felt committed to getting Faith back on track, to the point she could be ridden. The horse hadn’t looked nasty, just frightened; there had been no mean spirit on show. Perhaps she might become a horse suitable for mustering the sheep and cattle. God, when had she last done that on horseback? They used the ute or quad bike. She’d tried with Prince and Beau but, really, they’d been too highly strung. They’d been okay, but it had been hard work – and certainly not fun – keeping them under control. They hadn’t been the sort of horses you could hold the reins by the buckle and lope about without a care in the world.

  Jessica was surprised to find tears spring into her eyes. Where had they come from? Pregnancy brought about unexpected waves of emotion, didn’t it? But of course she couldn’t possibly be pregnant unless it had happened an hour or so ago. And there probably wouldn’t be any signs for weeks anyway. Silly! She crossed her fingers that tonight would prove successful and returned her thoughts to Faith. Tomorrow she’d get a really good idea of what she was dealing with.

  As she was falling asleep, Jessica wondered if she should get a friend for Faith. She’d never liked horses on their own – they were pack animals. Right on the edge of sleep, she almost laughed at herself. Listen to you: yesterday you didn’t want any, now you’re thinking of getting more.

  Chapter Twenty

  Jessica woke up early and immediately felt restless. Steve was still asleep beside her. She wouldn’t have minded another shot at making a baby, but she had plans and she wanted to hop to. Carefully and quietly, she got out of bed and pulled yesterday’s clothes on.

  Cup of tea, breakfast with Steve – if he got up soon – feed Faith and, while she’s eating, get in and clean the mounds of horse poo from the yard. Normally Jessica kept her yards immaculate, cleaning them twice a day, but she’d wanted to leave the horse alone to settle. Three days was long enough and Jessica wasn’t going to put up with an unkempt yard any longer. She really hoped she’d be able to catch Faith once she had eaten her hay and her full belly made her more relaxed. Then she could tie her up and get the mud from her coat and tangles from her mane and tail. She really hoped the horse wouldn’t turn out to be a biter or kicker – Jessica knew she’d have to keep her wits about her.

  She downed one cup of tea waiting impatiently for Steve for breakfast, drumming her fingers on the table. She could go ahead without him and had done so most mornings of their marriage, but since the accident and their subsequent slight estrangement, she’d felt the need to make an extra effort to connect. Sure, he could come over and lean on the fence and talk to her while she scooped poop, but it wasn’t the same as sitting down for breakfast together.

  Part of Jessica was keen to harness her enthusiasm, another part was concerned her enthusiasm might wane if she didn’t get cracking. She was excited at the prospect of progress, no matter how small the step – excitement the likes of which she hadn’t felt for years. She pushed her fear of making no progress with Faith from her mind. Sure, she’d had plenty of great achievements with horses over the years, but it now dawned on her that not since Jasper had she had goals this low. The last fifteen years had been about taking horses to the next level of competition, never actually getting them to first base.

  The thought of getting Faith from her current wary state to being ridden and maybe even mustering filled Jessica with the same heady feeling of pride and accomplishment that completing her first high level cross-country round clear had and making the state team should have.

  She thought she now had a better understanding of why Tiffany took on the horses she did. God, she really had been a fool, only wanting the best horseflesh. She snorted. Her father’s influence, and he’d been the dominant force. She couldn’t have pushed a different view even if she’d realised she had one. She felt a little sad and guilty for being a traitor to his memory and thinking ill of the dead. But everything had changed – she’d changed – the day of the accident. Just not in the way she expected.

  When Steve did finally appear, fully dressed but tousled, Jessica was feeling decidedly edgy and keen to get her day with Faith underway, despite telling herself over and over that a half-hour, or even an hour or two, would not make one iota of difference in the scheme of things.

  ‘You’re early,’ he said, coming over to the table and leaning down to kiss her. ‘And look at you, you’re glowing.’

  ‘Am I?’ Jessica asked frowning before getting up to put bread in the toaster.

  ‘You are. Something you’re not telling me?’ he said, wrapping his arms around her waist.

  ‘Darling, even if I am, I doubt you’d notice anything yet. It was only last night,’ Jessica said. There was always a chance, but it wouldn’t show up in a pregnancy test so soon. She’d wait before checking – negative results were not just disappointing, they were heart-wrenching. It was probably best not to know.

  ‘So what’s on the agenda for you today?’ he asked.

  Jessica shrugged. ‘Going to spend some time with Faith. I don’t think it’s a good idea to have a horse we can’t handle, in case she has an accident and needs a vet or something.’

  ‘You say it like it’s a chore. But look at you – the glint’s back in your eye and you’re definitely glowing. You’re excited. Come on, just admit it.’

  She hated to admit she’d been wrong. Worse, that Steve had been right. She sighed.

  ‘You’re right. I am actually. I haven’t felt this fired up for years.’

  ‘Are you even giving up your walk for her? Wow.’

  It made sense: this was much more her thing. If she was brutally honest, pounding dirt tracks and pavements kilometre after kilometre really wasn’t her idea of fun. It had been fine while she had to walk for rehabilitation and as a distraction while she tried to outrun her issues, but it didn’t feel natural to her. She realised with a start that that was just what she had been doing – running away.

  God, she’d got things so terribly wrong. But when she analysed it, standing there, waiting for the toaster to pop up, she wouldn’t actually change a thing. She wasn’t sure she’d ever be able to admit it out loud, but she liked that there was no pressure, nothing to strive for. How Faith reacted to Jessica’s efforts was beyond her control. She couldn’t make the horse be comfortable with her – that was up to Faith. Goodness only knew what the horse had been through and how deep the fear and damage ran. Jessica could only offer kindness and understanding, and take things one slow step at a time. It might take weeks, possibly months, before she could get a saddle on her, let alone
climb aboard.

  And Jessica found she really didn’t mind. It was weird, and again probably wasn’t something she’d admit to out loud, but she felt in Faith’s case – well, her relationship with Faith – that it was all about the journey, not the destination. It dawned on her that she felt the same way about falling pregnant. Yes, it was something she badly wanted, something she knew Steve wanted so much too, but it was out of their hands. If they were supposed to have a baby, they would – she’d just make sure they took every opportunity to plant the seed. She could almost hear her father yelling at her that that kind of thinking was a lot of poppycock. That she’d gone soft. Maybe she had gone soft, but she didn’t care.

  ‘Are you okay?’ Steve asked, jolting Jessica back to the present.

  ‘Just thinking about Dad. He’d have had a fit if he’d seen Faith.’

  ‘Hmm.’

  ‘So what are you up to today?’

  ‘Another clearing sale. It seems to be the season for them. Sadly, a sign of more farmers going to the wall,’ he said. ‘They must be pretty desperate for money to have sales when people are harvesting crops.’

  Jessica wanted to tell him not to bring home any more sad, sorry horses, but realised she wouldn’t mind if he did return with another lost soul. If Faith didn’t seem so content alone, she might have even encouraged it. But Steve had said the horse had been alone when purchased, and she certainly hadn’t spent hours whinnying and crying out for company. The only noise she’d made was nickering to the dogs when they went near.

  ‘Don’t worry, I’ll restrain myself from buying another horse,’ Steve said, grinning. ‘I seriously don’t know what came over me.’ He shook his head. ‘How many horses have I seen and not felt the need to rescue? I tell you, there’s something about her. I couldn’t resist her and now you can’t. She’s got magical powers or something.’

  ‘Possessed, more like, the way she’s been behaving,’ Jessica said with a laugh. ‘But, seriously, I wish we knew more about her. If I knew what her problems stemmed from it’d be easier to figure her out.’

  ‘I’ve told you all I know, which is practically nothing. She was standing looking sad in the paddock, an old lady – the owner, I suppose – all but begged me to take her, and I just couldn’t leave her there. Even though she clearly hates me,’ he added with a sigh.

  I’m glad you couldn’t leave her there, Jessica thought, but she wasn’t prepared to lay all her cards on the table just yet.

  ‘You’re not planning on riding her, are you?’ Steve said. ‘Only I don’t think it’s a good idea if no one’s here – especially since your leg and everything.’

  ‘I agree. And, no; she’s a long way off that yet. I’m just hoping she’ll let me in the yard to clean it without freaking out. And then maybe I’ll be able to give her a brush, or at least a pat.’

  ‘Well, as long as you’re careful. And keep your mobile in your pocket – just in case.’

  ‘Don’t worry. I won’t take any risks. But I don’t think she’s nasty or dangerous – just scared.’

  ‘Yes, but she can still lash out.’

  ‘I know. I promise I’ll be careful.’ Jessica wanted to point out that she’d been dealing with horses her whole life and knew a thing or two more about them and their behaviour than he did, but wasn’t about to put their progress in jeopardy. Anyway, she had to admit this was pretty new territory for her, too.

  *

  ‘Good morning, miss, ready for your breakfast?’ Jessica called as she walked towards Faith carrying a biscuit of hay. The horse nickered and tossed her head. It was nice to be appreciated, Jessica thought, feeling a slight sense of triumph. This was the first time the horse had shown any positive feeling towards humans at all. She chose to take it as a good sign and refused to admit that the dogs beside her or the hay in her arms might actually be the intended targets of the affection.

  She put the hay in the tub from outside the yard. Faith walked over and stood beside the hay with her head up, clearly not wanting to eat while being observed so closely. Jessica held her ground.

  ‘It’s okay. Eat. I’m not going to hurt you.’ She figured the horse still had to be pretty hungry, so would give in and eat before long. She’d stand there as long as was necessary, but saw this as an important first step in their bonding – building trust. Once the horse was comfortable enough with her presence to eat she could get in and clean the yard.

  With her arms folded across the top rail, Jessica waited. It took just a few minutes for the horse to lower her head gingerly and begin munching, keeping her gaze fixed on Jessica. When Jessica backed away to go and get the pooper scooper basket and scraper, Faith lifted her head to watch before resuming eating.

  Jessica leant over the fence to put the implements inside the far corner of the yard, took a deep breath, and then entered through the small gate. Faith shifted position to keep Jessica in view.

  ‘It’s okay, girl, just going to get rid of the poo,’ Jessica cooed, and got on with the job.

  So far, so good, she thought as she looked at the half of the yard she’d cleaned. Some horses did their business in one spot. Faith clearly didn’t – there were clumps deposited all over the place. Jessica wondered if she should try her luck and get close to the horse for the last few mounds or wait until she’d finished her hay and moved away. But the horse didn’t seem at all uneasy with her moving about the yard with pooper scooper in hand, so she gave it a go. She approached until she was around a metre and a half away from the horse. She leant down and reached out.

  Suddenly there was a snort and the sound of scrambling hooves and Faith bolted past Jessica to the other side of the yard, hard up against the railing.

  ‘Come on, silly thing, it’s just me. You’re fine,’ Jessica said. She was a little annoyed at herself for pushing too far and a little annoyed at Faith for not trusting her. Not having faith in her, she thought ironically, as she finished collecting the mounds while Faith was out of the way. She dumped them in the trailer nearby. She’d give the horse the time and space to finish her hay in peace and come back later. She needed a cup of tea anyway, after the fright she’d got. Her heart was pounding.

  Halfway to the house she paused and turned to see Faith back at her feed bin, apparently relaxed again. The dogs lay in the sun nearby.

  When Jessica returned to Faith’s yard with her box of grooming equipment and halter with lead rope attached, the horse was standing with her back to the house. Her ears were twitching and taking in every noise and movement around her.

  ‘Take two,’ Jessica muttered. Halter in hand, she re-entered the yard and approached Faith.

  The horse lifted her head and took a step backwards.

  ‘Come on, girl, it’s okay. I’m just going to give you a nice brush.’ Jessica didn’t want to tempt fate by not tying up the horse to keep track of where the front and back ends – the dangerous bits – were at all times while she groomed her. Horses could move incredibly quickly when they wanted to.

  She walked directly up to Faith, who seemed so taken aback by her boldness that she stood, mesmerised, as Jessica slipped the halter over her nose and carefully eased the strap around behind her ears before doing it up firmly. In seconds she was tugging on the rope and urging the horse forwards, and the horse was following.

  Good, the bold approach seems to work, she thought, as she tied Faith up to the rail. The horse dropped her head in what could have been submission, or could have been a simple inspection of her feed bin for any last remnants. Jessica ran her hands along the horse’s body, patting her all over firmly. Not once did Faith flinch, but Jessica did as she touched the visible ribs and hip bones.

  Taking a deep breath, Jessica ran her hand down the horse’s scarred, uneven near foreleg – what a bloody mess – then leant into her shoulder and gave the hoof a gentle tug. Faith responded by lifting her foot obediently. As she inspected the underside of the hoof, she felt hot breath on her back through her T-shirt. Fingers crossed you’re
not about to bite me.

  She put the foot down and moved around to the next leg – again, clear signs of having once been torn to shreds, most likely by a fence. She made a mental note to tell Steve that Faith looked like she might be prone to getting caught in fences and that they could only put her in paddocks equipped with electric fencing to be sure she wouldn’t injure herself.

  She managed to successfully inspect each hoof, noting they really did need some attention by a farrier. ‘Good girl,’ she said, back at the horse’s head and rubbing her face. The horse seemed to enjoy it and closed her eyes a couple of times before opening them quickly again. She stared into Faith’s eyes. They were kind eyes, but still with an edge of fear, unease. ‘That’s the formalities over.’

  Jessica liked looking directly into horses’ eyes and marvelling at the three-dimensional mountain ranges that she saw there. Faith had a very vivid set, and lovely long eyelashes. She was actually not bad looking once you stopped noticing the ribs and hips; there was a good shape to her face and apart from the scarring, she generally had nice straight legs.

  ‘Okay, time for a brush. Let’s get that horrible mud off you and see if we can make you shine.’ Jessica was enjoying being motherly.

  She bent down to retrieve the stiffest of the brushes from the kit on the other side of the rail. But as she stood up, brush in hand, there was another snort and flurry of hooves. This time, because she was tied up and unable to back away easily, Faith reared.

  It all happened in a split second, but to Jessica it felt like minutes were passing as she watched the horse haul back on the rope until it snapped and she was free to bound to the far side of the yard.

  Jessica brought a hand to her racing heart. Jesus! She hadn’t had anything like that happen for years. But she quickly brought herself back – it was Faith who needed to be calmed down. The horse was wedged in the corner of the yard and quivering all over. Within seconds she was dark with sweat. Jesus. You poor thing. What has happened to you?