Twice Loved

by Mari Brown

  “Baby…”

  That’s my sign he’s ready to be in me. I climb on top of him sliding down gently until he is fully seated in me. We both let out a sigh. Neither of us moves at first. We just enjoy the feel of being connected. Being one with each other. Slowly I begin rocking my hips. Even though a part of me wants to attack him I restrain myself. I begin making love to my husband. I look deep into his eyes. He watches me. The pull between us is so strong.

  Our slow dance continues as we stare into each other’s eyes. Then he pushes me off of him. Rolling me onto my back. I watch as his hand strokes his cock. It glistens with my juices.

  “I love you Lori.”

  “I love you Steve.”

  Then his cock is plunging back into me. Slow and steady at first. Angels are singing in heaven I’m sure. Then his movements pick up. He’s getting into it. I wrap my legs around him. Pulling him deeper into me. I lift my hips to match his pace.

  “Gawd I love your pussy…”

  “I love your cock…”

  Whispered words while on the dirty side are filled with nothing but love. This man is my life and I honestly don’t know how I’m going to live without him. Tears pool in my eyes. I realize this is a time for us to treasure every moment we have.

  “I’m going to make love to you every day until I no longer can.”

  His words are more than I can take I begin crying steady. He continues moving in me a hand swipes my tears off my face.

  Our pace becomes frantic he nears his completion. I'm not even ready to orgasm again but it’s okay I had mine. This is for my husband. This is for his pleasure.

  “Baby Cum in me now please.”

  His body shudders with a release that last forever. Or it seems to last forever. He turns us to our sides never pulling out of me. His arms hold me tight. Tears stream down both of our faces.

  “Mom are you okay?”

  Olivia brings me back to the present. I wipe at the tears streaming down my face. I turn back to the stove finishing up breakfast that somehow I have not managed to fuck up even though I’ve been lost in my memories.

  “I’m fine baby I was just remembering a good time with your dad.”

  “I miss him too mom… so much,” her quiet voice fills with sadness with those words.

  “We don’t need to be sad today. It’s not a good way to start off the school year.”

  “Yea, Noah should be down soon that will be enough to annoy us… I mean cheer us up.”

  We chuckle together. My son is a wanna be comedian. Sometimes he thinks he is funnier than he really is but I love him dearly.

  Olivia begins grabbing plates out of cabinets and silverware helping to set up breakfast. I watch her as she works I still can’t believe this is her senior year and then she will be off to college and starting a life of her own.

  I’m happy for her but the loneliness hits me. It’s a bittersweet time for me.

  Chapter Eleven

  The morning routine starts off good. The kids and I breakfast together before we all head off in our own directions. I leave half an hour before the kids so I get to my room and giving myself time to mentally prepare for my first full day of teaching. This will be a new year, a new me.

  Last year even though I did everything I could to be there for my classroom things were fucked with Steve’s illness and dying. It was fucked dealing with Tate’s bullshit. This year it was just me and my kids. The two at home and the twenty five I would have in this room in just about an hour.

  “Good morning.” Haley’s head is peeking around my doorway.

  “Morning girl.”

  “Got time for a little chat?”

  “Of course.” I wonder what Haley has to chat with me about. I hope not Tate because I don’t want to hear about him anymore. I’m done with him and his manipulating womanizing ways. The sex was out of this world but it left me an emotional wreck.

  “Soo….” She trials off while playing with the cup holder on my desk. Something is weighing on her mind.

  “What’s going on?”

  “Jake wants us to move in together.”

  “Wow!” I’m a little surprised although not totally. Those two have been inseparable for the last year. One of them was constantly staying over at the other’s place. It was only occasionally they spent a night apart.

  “How do you feel about it?”

  “Nervous, excited all over the place.”

  “It’s not a big jump. Y’all are together all the time anyway.”

  She stares off thoughtfully. Her hand still plays with the cup holder on my desk. A sign she’s still nervous.

  “Haley…. You got this. Do you love him?”

  “Yes with all my heart.”

  “Does he love you?”

  “Yes.” I grab the pencil cup away from her setting it on the other side of my desk.

  “Take the chance then. If you want to do it then do it.”

  “You think so?” Her face is a mixture of happy and fear, not a pretty combination for first day of school.

  “Yes.” I smile warmly at her happy that my friend is happy with her life. That things are going to move forward in her relationship with Jake. She deserves it more than anyone.

  “So once I give him my answer you’ll help me with the packing and moving shit?”

  “Yep I’ll even make Noah and Olivia help you.”

  “YAY!” She jumps out of her chair looking at the clock on the wall.

  “Okay we’ll talk more about it later. It’s almost that time.”

  “Later Haley.” I watch her leave my room.

  I turn my attention back to the attendance book in front of me. I glance over the list one last time. My seating chart is on my desk and then make my way to the gym. Our school has all the children go to the gym and sit in a line for their class. It makes it easier to get all the kids in our room first thing in the morning. We repeat the procedure for dismissal at the end of the day as well.

  Haley doesn’t realize how lucky she is to have Jake. When you lose not one but two important men in your life it makes you appreciate things a bit more. I lost Steve to cancer and Tate to life. Neither was a pleasant experience. Yes, Tate was still alive but there are so many reasons Tate and I can’t be together.

  The fact we were a couple while Steve was alive would always impact negatively on some level. Steve’s mom would always be part of my life and I know she would never approve of Tate. I also don’t believe Tate will ever be happy with just one woman. He loved his women too much. I wish it was different. I wish he was different. I would never be happy sharing a man I wanted to be mine and mine alone.

  When Steve was alive it didn’t bother me that Tate had a girlfriend or I should say girlfriends along with the random hook ups in between. However, now that I was single I wanted to be a man’s number one and only one if I were to try again. I still wasn’t ready to start over but I would never settle for anything less than what Steve and I shared.

  The gym is a symphony of voices as I walk in. Kids are sitting in their class lines excitedly. I walk to where my class line is and I smile down at the cute little girl sitting in front of me. Of course hers would be the first face that greets me this morning. Smiling up at me with her daddy’s eyes, Brandy Jameson, Tate’s daughter. I’m not sure I’m prepared for this. I thought I could do it but will I be able to handle having his daughter in my classroom?

  “Good morning Brandy.”

  “Morning Ms. Madison.”

  Her bright cheerful voice makes me smile and my heart warms. I’m going to have to fight playing favorites with this one. I may be in love with her dad but I can’t let it affect me or my job. Nor could I afford anymore attachments to Tate then I already had.

  I try to greet each child as they come sit in my line even if I don’t remember each name and face yet my goal is to have them memorized before lunch. As the gym fills up I have to fuss at two little boys in my line for rough housing with one another. I let my group tal
k quietly but I ask they maintain order at all times. I was firm but fun with my kids.

  The bell rings signaling the start of our day. I watch as the kindergarten teachers stand their kids up and begin walking them out to the hall. Once they move out the door I have my kids stand quietly.

  “We will walk quietly and keep our hands to ourselves. Is everyone ready?”

  Little heads nod and I hear a few mumbles. I’m proud of my group for being mostly quiet on the first day as we walk to the room. I stop them outside the door.

  “Everyone stand with their back against the wall facing me.”

  Little bodies shift and scramble to do as I ask.

  “When I open the door you walk quickly to your desk and sit down. If you have a backpack or lunch box you will place them to the side of your desk until I give instructions on how morning routine goes each day.”

  I move to my door and open it. My eyes follow Brandy as she finds the desk with her name. Damn why did I put her so close to my desk? I’m pleased as the kids mostly follow my instructions.

  “First I want you to take out any supplies in your back packs and place them on top of your desk for now. Then we will go row by row to the coat closet.”

  I go on to show them the five rows before making my way to the closet. I wait in the doorway.

  “Row one come on back.”

  Five little bodies stand with backpacks and some with lunch boxes.

  “Each of you have a hook for hanging your backpack and coats when it’s cold. You also have a little shelf under your hook where you will place lunch boxes when you bring them in. Go quietly find your name and hang your stuff up and then go back to your desk.”

  I repeat this procedure with each row. I make my way back to the front of the classroom. I instruct them on how they each have a cubby on the wall to put their school supplies in. I instruct them what supplies to leave inside their school boxes and to place the school box inside the desk. Then I send them row by row to place the extra supplies in the cubby with their name.

  It’s a slow process getting the class settled the first few days, but it’s so worth it in the end. When I see them growing and moving on at the end of the year I know I have done my job.

  By lunchtime I have instructed them in our morning routine thoroughly. We move on to the lunch routine. After settling them at the table assigned my class I make my way over to the teachers’ table. Haley is already sitting there

  “How’s your morning been?” Haley’s eyes cut to her class table and back to me.

  “It’s been great how about yours?”

  “Fantastic, so how is it with his daughter in your class?” Haley picks up her glass holding it in front of her as she awaits my reply. A sly grin appears. Uggg I hate best friends! They know everything and are so damn nosey.

  “She’s a great kid, but it’s hard not thinking about her dad every time I look at her.”

  “Why don’t you get over yourself and call him. No one says you have to marry him just boink his brains out!”

  I choke on the liquid I just swallowed. “Haley have you lost your mind?”

  “No, he made you happy, made you smile despite all his manwhore ways.”

  “Yes…. Well... Not going there… I can’t. It hurts!”

  There I finally admit it. I was always so busy putting on the brave face. Pretending nothing bothered me. At times I even convinced myself. Those last months when I was focused on Steve well it gave me a lot of time to think. I realized that I couldn’t be with Tate again in an open relationship. It barely worked for me the first time.

  “It’s just fun Lori.”

  “No Haley it’s not. I fell in love with him….”

  She pauses her eyes grow wide with surprise. I know she didn’t expect me to admit that.

  “How? When? Why didn’t you say anything?”

  How do I answer that? I knew I cared and loved him when we were together but it wasn’t until I left him I realized I was in love with him. “I didn’t realize it until I ended things. At the time Steve was my only focus.”

  “Oh…" She looks uncomfortable. Like she feels bad now for bringing it up.

  “Hey it’s okay you didn’t know.” I reassure my friend. I turn the conversation to her and Jake to get rid of the awkwardness that has fallen between us. “You told Jake yet?” I smile as she sighs visibly, a silly grin covering her face.

  “I texted him. Told him let’s do it. We’re supposed to talk when he gets off work tonight.”

  “I’m so happy for you. You deserve this.”

  Unlike me, Haley deserves a happy ending. She has been the best girlfriend to Jake. I don’t care that Steve told me to find someone while he was still alive. I don’t care he didn’t judge me or blame me for turning to Tate for several months during his illness. Steve was a bigger person than I am. I’m not sure I could have been as understanding if our roles were reversed.

  “You love him and from what I have seen and heard he loves you. Give him a chance. Don’t throw away a second chance for you.”

  “Steve I can’t talk about this with you.”

  He lies in the hospital bed in what used to be our dining room. He is pale and lost so much weight. It breaks my heart to see him so sick. Knowing there is nothing I can do to stop it. I can only be here with him until the end.

  “You listen to me Lori. A man like that can change for a woman like you.”

  “It doesn’t matter. I had my fun if that’s what you want to call it. Your mom…”

  He sits up a little in the bed

  “My mom was out of line. I plan to talk to her about it too the next time I see her.”

  “Don’t fight with your mom… not now.”

  “No she’s not going to call my wife a whore when I gave you the go ahead to be with the man.”

  I sigh. I climb into the bed with him. Careful not to hurt him. His skin bruises so easily now. His weak arms once strong still circle around me.

  “I want to know you’ll be happy when I’m gone.”

  “I’m sure I’ll never be happy with you gone. I may learn to exist without you but that is all I hope for.”

  “You can live again. Tate may be just what you need to do it. The fact he is the opposite of me.”

  HUFF! Yes I huff like a child.

  “Enough no more talk. I want to enjoy this time with my husband.”

  “Okay honey. I’ll stop just don’t forget this conversation.”

  How could I forget the conversation when it’s seared in my brain? Steve’s optimism that Tate could change for a woman like me. I didn’t believe it for a second. I knew that since we split he has been doing his random hook up thing. I hated to think about all the women he had been with since I left him.

  I still question what Tate saw in me all those months. I was the polar opposite of his normal type. I wasn’t blonde, busty or I hate to say it trashy. What made him want to be with me? What made him love me?

  Chapter Twelve

  A little brown haired, brown eyed girl is stealing my heart. The first week of school passes in a whirl. Brandy just like her dad has managed to break through my defenses. I find myself staring at her sometimes in class, wistfully thinking of Tate. I should be smart and have her moved out of my room but I won’t. One I promised Tate that I would watch over her and two it was a way for me to be near Tate.

  I turned into that woman. The one who clings to memories. Will I ever move on?

  I’m dressing and heading over to Haley’s this morning we are going to start packing up some of the stuff she won’t need right away. Jake insisted they move into his home because it was bigger than her apartment. She didn’t fight him as her lease was up at the end of the month so the timing worked out for them.

  Its lunch time when a knock sounds on the apartment door and in walks Jake and right behind him is …Tate.

  Haley’s face scrunches up. She mouths silently to me. “I didn’t know.”

  I shake my head at her letting
her know it’s okay. I am a big girl and can be in the same room as him.

  “We need to talk…” Tate says while grabbing me by my arm off the floor.

  “What the fuck Tate?”

  “I’m tired of you ignoring me!”

  “I don’t have anything to say to you!”

  He pushes me toward the hallway leading to the two bedrooms. He opens the one that Haley uses as a home office and pushes me in. He closes and locks the door behind him. The aggression is pouring off Tate. I’m pissed as hell.

  “Who do you think you are?”

  “The man who fucking loves you and is tired of you shutting me out.”

  My insides melt. However, I don’t let my face drop. I won’t let him know that his words affect me so much.

  “Why can’t you get that we don’t belong together?”

  He grabs me roughly pushes me against the wall. His mouth crashes on mine. I try to fight him off but he keeps probing my lips with his tongue. It’s not long before they part for him. It’s a natural reaction.

  Our mouths hungrily devour one another. The power he holds over me is insane. I’ve never felt so out of control in my life. It’s only when I’m with him. It’s like logic flies out the window. Our hands begin roaming one another’s bodies.

  Finally breaking apart to catch our breath I push Tate away from me. “You have to stop doing this to me Tate.”

  “Why? You want me… You love me…”

  “Because I won’t be another one of your women.” Feeling much like a caged animal in this moment, I begin rubbing my temples.

  The shock on his face is clear. “That’s what this is about?”

  “Yes!”

  “It never bothered you before.”

  Sighing I move away from him. I pace the small room. This is going to be hard to open up right now. I’m still so raw from everything these last months.

  “I was also married before. I’m a widow now and IF I get involved with someone again it’s going to be with someone who wants me and only me. I want the traditional relationship. I can’t do an open relationship again.”