Deserter

by Myers, Shannon

  “Okay, fine. Yes, the neighbor saw us that night and assumed I was a whore, but that’s not even what got me.” Her smile faded and she continued to gnaw at her lip. “Dakota wanted to know about her daddy because she can’t remember.”

  My gut knotted and the heaviness returned to my chest. “She doesn’t know me?” It had been stupid to think I could waltz back into their lives and pick up where we left off. Dakota had been so young. “Does Kate? I mean, did she forget—”

  “She never mentions you and I just assumed—well, it doesn’t matter what I assumed. After Dakota left, Kate came in and told me she sometimes dreams of you.” She swiped her fingers under her eyes. “She said it was hard because I didn’t talk about you anymore and it made her feel like she couldn’t either.”

  “Celia.” I stared down at my boots and the marks they’d left against the porcelain of the tub. I opened my mouth again, ready to argue, but found I couldn’t.

  Instead, I stepped over the side of the tub and went to her. Her eyes widened as I pulled her up into my chest, letting my head rest against the top of her head.

  “Princess, you’ve been so brave and strong. It’s not fuckin’ fair.” Her body stiffened beneath my hands as I kissed her dark hair, still tangled from sleep. “I should’ve been here, and I know you’ll never forgive me for what I did—”

  Celia pulled back before letting the strap of her nightgown fall from her shoulder. “We don’t have to talk.”

  A rush of adrenaline surged through my body and I had to mentally talk my dick down. If I wanted her to see me differently, I had to act differently.

  I wanted nothing more than to fuck her from behind while she watched my reflection in the bathroom mirror through hooded eyes. Sex was the one thing we’d mastered in ten years of marriage.

  It wasn’t going to help my case now though.

  If this was going to work, and I was going to come back permanently, then there needed to be something more than sex between us. I was going to have to do something I’d never done before; be her support system.

  “Come here, darlin’.” I straightened the strap of her gown and guided her toward the bed. “Just lay with me, yeah?”

  I sat down on the side of the bed and toed my boots off before climbing under the sheets and wrapping myself around her.

  “You just want to lay here?” Her hand slipped between us, stroking the front of my jeans. “It doesn’t feel like you do.”

  I resisted a groan and gently pulled her hand away. “Ain’t about that, princess,” I said in a strangled voice. “Just let me hold you.”

  Celia’s body shifted up against mine and she let out a breath before relaxing. “I can’t even remember the last time I just laid next to you where we were both fully clothed. It’s weird.”

  “Do you,” I hesitated. “Do you miss it?”

  She rolled over until she was facing me. “If you’re asking if I miss you being here, I do.”

  “We had some good times together, didn’t we?”

  The light streaming in from the bathroom cast shadows across her face, but I didn’t miss the way her mouth turned up as she closed her eyes. “We did.”

  “Remember that night in the laundry room? Jesus, Dakota couldn’t have been more than a couple months old—”

  “No,” she cut in with a giggle. “You swore to never mention that again… like ever.”

  I lowered my voice, recalling every detail. “What are you embarrassed about? I thought it was hot as fuck.”

  I’d come home from a run early in the morning to find Celia was still awake and doing what had to have been her one hundredth load of laundry.

  The laundry room was closed off from the rest of the house and not well ventilated. In the summers, it felt like a sauna. Celia had stripped down to her bra and panties and was watching the timer on the dryer when I walked in.

  Our washing machine at the time was a piece of shit. It didn’t matter how many times I took the damn thing apart, it still rattled around during the spin cycle, sounding like a low-flying jet.

  On this particular night, I’d looked at her, bent over the dryer and fighting to stay awake, and then back over at that old washing machine.

  And it gave me an idea.

  I’d stripped out of my dirty clothes and left them lying in a pile on the floor before lifting her sweat-slicked body onto the washing machine just as it began shaking.

  I was reminded of how sheltered she’d been when her green eyes widened and her lips parted. The vibrations took hold and she squeezed my shoulders before coming with a loud cry.

  Taking full advantage of the situation, I’d yanked the cups of her bra down and sucked a nipple in between my teeth before pushing her panties to the side so I could finger her.

  She’d started shivering just as the second orgasm hit, and her milk had let down, soaking my face. I’d lapped it up and continued thrusting my fingers in and out of her while she apologized and struggled to cover herself.

  The memory had me reaching down between us to adjust myself, doing my best not to draw her attention. I was supposed to be reminding her of how good we were together, not torturing my dick with a stroll down Pussy Lane.

  “We had other good memories too, right?” I asked, craving a distraction like my next cigarette.

  Celia cocked her head to the side, as if trying to recall. “You were a great father—”

  I sniffed. “Yeah, I’m a real winner.”

  She placed her hand over my heart. “You were—even if you don’t believe it. You would’ve done anything for those girls; and Mikey too, if I’m being honest. You did what needed to be done to keep him safe—”

  When I opened my mouth to argue again, she shook her head. “Don’t. You know you did. Regardless of whether or not Betsy stuck with it, you always put him first, just like our girls. Maybe it would’ve been easier to let you go had you been different.”

  My brain ran wild with the things I wanted to say; another apology resting against my tongue. In the end I realized it was pointless and did what I knew best. I lowered my head and grazed my teeth along her jawline; right next to her ear, just where she liked it.

  Her back arched and she lifted her chin, offering herself up to me. The hand on my chest dampened my shirt and I pulled back long enough to shed my kutte and t-shirt before bringing my mouth back down.

  When she turned her head and our lips connected, lust flooded my body, leaving me lightheaded. It didn’t matter that I’d kissed her just a couple of days ago, this time felt different.

  Maybe it was because I knew I was going to be coming home soon.

  Celia raked her nails down my back as she struggled to pull me closer. I moved over her with a grin, propped up by my forearms. “You don’t wanna lay with me anymore, princess?”

  Her skin flushed red and she shook her head, taking the corner of her lip between her teeth. “I’m tired of laying here.”

  “Yeah?” I grinned. “What if I just wanna hold you?”

  She put a hand on my chest and pushed me away before sitting up. “You’re right. What else could I want?” Her hands dropped down the hem of her nightgown and with one tug, it was up and over her head.

  I slowly opened and closed my hand, suddenly aching with the need to touch her. “Fuck me…”

  A slow smile built on her face as she trailed a finger down over her tits. “Or we could just lay here and talk about the past some more.”

  With a low growl, I grasped both of her hands in one of mine and positioned them over her head as I guided her back onto the bed.

  I ran my beard along her tits until her nipples stiffened, demanding my full attention. She moaned softly as I traced circles around one with my tongue while working the other with my thumb.

  Fuck, I’d never grow tired of her body.

  Celia fought to get loose and began pawing at my belt buckle, leaving me painfully aware of how fast my heart was beating as I fought the urge to come.

  “Please,
Jamie.”

  “What do you need, baby?” I dragged my fingers across her slit and she jerked forward. “This?”

  She nodded; her lower lip caught between her teeth again.

  I grinned and slipped my middle finger in with short, slow strokes. Celia groaned out something incoherent and her thighs locked around my arm like a vice as her body shook violently beneath mine.

  One of her hands tangled in my long hair, holding it in a death grip as she moaned, “D-don’t stop.”

  I watched in amusement as her mouth fell open and her eyes rolled back in her head. I could’ve watched her come apart all fucking night.

  My first resolution once I was home for good would be making her face do that every night.

  When the tremors stopped, I looked down at her with a wry smile. “Can I have my hand back now, darlin’?”

  She nodded, making no attempt to move or relax.

  “Celia…”

  “Hmmm?” she answered sleepily, her green eyes barely more than slits. “You need something?”

  I brought my hand down against her thigh. “Greedy girl. Open those legs and I’ll give you somethin’ better.”

  Her thighs fell to the side and she lowered her hands before pushing herself up onto her elbows. “Husband, that was—that was amazing.”

  I moved off the bed and lazily began unbuttoning my jeans before dragging them down my legs. “I don’t suppose you’d be up for more, would you, wife?”

  Celia sighed deeply as she stretched her arms. “I mean, I might be.”

  I jacked myself as I slowly made my way over to the nightstand, loving the way her eyes followed me. “I bet I could convince you.”

  She rolled over onto her stomach and covered my hand with hers. “Don’t.”

  I gave her a blank look. “Don’t what? You change your mind?”

  “Don’t.” She paused and chewed on her lip before hurriedly adding, “Don’t use a condom.”

  I looked down into the drawer, the foil strips right where I’d left them three years before, and then back to her. “Darlin’, you know what you’re asking for?”

  With a small nod, she began moving her hand up and down my shaft. “I’m asking my husband to make love to me without anything in the way.”

  I stumbled back a step; certain I’d misunderstood. “You on the pill?”

  Celia shook her head with another soft smile. “No. You haven’t been with anyone else besides me, right? It shouldn’t be a problem.” Her tongue darted out and licked along the tip of my cock.

  The scent of her shampoo flooded my nostrils and that, coupled with the sight of her tits swaying as she jacked me off left me completely impaired.

  I thrust past her lips and tightened my hold on her hair, needing to be closer. “You know I ain’t been with anyone else since you came along, but, Celia, what if you get knocked up?”

  I wanted nothing more but hadn’t expected her to be so accommodating.

  She pulled back and sat up on her knees with wide eyes. “What would happen if I did?”

  “Then I’d be the happiest son-of-a-bitch in the world. You want a baby, princess?”

  “I do,” she whispered. “What’s wrong with me?”

  “Not a goddamn thing. I want another baby too.”

  Her lips parted and she tipped her head to the side in surprise. “You do?”

  I nodded, still rock hard. “You wanna try?”

  With a nod, she latched onto my shoulders and tugged me into bed with her. Not wanting to waste another second, I nudged her legs apart and watched as the head of my cock disappeared inside her body.

  Fuck, she was tight.

  She pressed down and my breath caught as she forced her body to stretch around me, inviting me in, inch by inch. I cradled her neck with one hand while the other entertained itself with her tits.

  “So fuckin’ perfect, Celia,” I growled. She responded by moving her hips forward until I bottomed out. Everything until now had been rushed, leaving a bitter taste in my mouth over what she must’ve thought of me.

  I’d turned my wife into a whore, but as I pressed a kiss to her throat, I hoped she knew that she was so much more.

  She was everything.

  With her legs locked around my waist, keeping me in, she ran a finger down my cheek. “I love you, Jamie.”

  The last time I’d heard those three words was the night I cornered her on the patio. Even then, they’d come with conditions.

  I swallowed past the lump in my throat and rasped, “Love you too, Celia.”

  It wasn’t enough.

  There weren’t ever going to be enough words in the English language to sum up what she meant to me. I’d just have to show her.

  Every fuckin’ day for the rest of my life.

  She gripped my shoulders tightly as I slipped into a steady rhythm with my hips and when her breaths grew ragged, I reached between us and strummed her clit with my thumb, pushing her over the edge with a whimper.

  “That’s my girl. That’s my motherfuckin’ girl.” I sucked her bottom lip into my mouth as my thrusting became erratic. Celia continued moaning nonsense against my lips before going stiff with another orgasm.

  “Jamie,” she panted, trying to reach my hand. “I can’t—it’s too much.”

  I caught her wrist and pinned it across her chest, forcing her tits up into my waiting mouth. My thrusts turned shallow and my grip tightened as I filled her with a growl.

  My arms gave out and I collapsed against her chest, fighting to catch my breath. Sweat fused our skin together, but I didn’t have the energy to move and she wasn’t complaining.

  I dozed off with my heart pounding a single word, over and over.

  Mine.

  I woke with a jerk, completely disoriented. When my cock slipped free of her body, I realized where I was and more importantly, what we’d done.

  I could’ve just gotten her pregnant.

  Celia’s lips were slightly parted, and her nose whistled with every deep inhale. A feeling of possessiveness took hold as I watched her dream and I couldn’t help but smile. So much had changed, but my wife still snored when she was exhausted.

  I pried our bodies apart and rolled toward my pillow, taking my time fluffing it before slipping it under her hips.

  It wasn’t even necessary.

  With Dakota, I felt like I just looked at Celia and she was knocked up. I let my hand rest on her belly, already imagining how she was going to react when I came back for good.

  I pressed my lips to the spot just below her belly button and slid off the bed, trying to remain quiet as I gathered up my clothes and threw them back on.

  As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t stay.

  The girls were going to have enough questions as it was, and Celia would need to ease them into it. Walking in on the two of us naked would just scar them for life.

  A loose floorboard creaked under my foot and I froze near the door, listening to the sounds of her breathing until I was sure she was still asleep.

  There was no way in hell she’d approve of what I was about to do. Fuck, even I didn’t approve of what I was about to do. I crept down the hall, trying to remain in the shadows in case one of them was awake.

  The nursery door was closed, and I turned the handle slowly in my hand, praying that the hinges were well oiled. It opened soundlessly and I leaned into the doorframe for support at the sight of the two of them sharing a bed.

  My girls.

  I’d seen Polaroids over the last few years, but nothing compared to the sight of them up close.

  Kate was looking more and more like her mama. She lay on her back, with her hands folded delicately across her chest. Even as a baby, she’d always slept on her back with her little fists curled up at her sides.

  Dakota was sprawled out next to her—one leg hanging off the bed and an arm that was dangerously close to hitting her sister in the face.

  She was my wild and Kate was my calm.

  I ran my knuckles a
long my jawline and mashed my lips together as I fought back tears. The feeling of possessiveness came back, stronger than ever, and I knew that I’d happily kill anyone who tried to lay a finger on them.

  Feeling brave, I walked over and knelt on Kate’s side of the bed. Her dark hair fell over one eye and I brushed it back before planting a kiss against her forehead.

  “Hey, Katydid,” I whispered softly. Her eyes fluttered like they used to when she was a baby, but I knew she was still out. “Daddy loves you, baby. I, uh, I just need you to know. I know I left you when you needed me most, but I’m comin’ home soon.” A tear splashed against her forehead as I leaned down to press another kiss to her soft skin before moving over to the other side.

  “Kota Bear, it’s Daddy. I know you don’t remember—” My voice broke off in a rough sob and I pinched the bridge of my nose as my body was wracked with emotions.

  How had I gotten it so wrong?

  I sucked air into my lungs and wiped my streaming eyes before trying again. “I know you don’t remember me, baby girl, but Daddy’s gonna be comin’ home and I’m gonna fix it. I’ll be right here to keep you safe. Ain’t nothin’ gonna happen to you when I’m around, okay?”

  I kissed her blonde hair. “I love you.”

  By the time I made it back to my feet, the heaviness had returned, weighing me down with regret over the way I’d left things with them. I paused at their door, watching them sleep for as long as I could.

  When I made it out into the hall, I scrubbed a hand over my face and stared at the pictures along the wall, reminded of a time when we were a family.

  When we were happy.

  I didn’t deserve them.

  Not after the way I’d walked out and the things that I’d done.

  Celia was still fast asleep when I slipped back inside our bedroom. I sank down on the edge of the bed and took her hand in mine. “There ain’t much that I’ve done right in this life, but you and those girls ain’t ever gonna be somethin’ I regret. You’re my everything. I know it’s gonna take a while before you trust me again, but I’m walking away from the club, princess.”

  I let my other hand rest against her belly again and sniffed, fighting off another round of tears. “Get some sleep, Mama. Take care of our girls, and before you know it, I’ll be back in your bed for good. I love you, darlin’. So much that it hurts to leave you.”