by Lucy Rinaldi
“I’m sorry.” She takes her baby daughter from my arms and lays her down in her crib next to the couch, before grabbing the baby monitor and bringing it with her to the kitchen. “The guys invited him over. I didn’t know who he was until your sisters ran at him like crazy people. I must say he is hot with a capital H!”
“I think I might just go home.” I’m not feeling really great today. I hate myself.
Plus, I’m just a few short weeks away from my plastic surgery and I don’t really want Hudson to know yet. I know him, he’ll try and talk me out of it because in his eyes, I’m perfect the way I am. And as much as I love that about him, because I know that he truly means it when he says it, I need this for me. And it will help my parents to see me as their daughter again and not an embarrassment… I hope.
“What, no. Oh, babe, please stay.”
“It’s too awkward, Em. You have no idea how hard it is for me to be near him. We’ve spent a lot of time together this week, but it’s hard. I’m so confused about things I don’t even know what to do. He left me here all alone, three weeks before our wedding day when he promised me forever, Em. I want to put it behind me, because it really means nothing anymore, but I don’t know how.”
“Have you ever asked him why he left?”
I shake my head. “I don’t need to. He was grieving for his mom.”
“The real reason, Callie” I shake my head again.
I haven’t asked because I’m scared of the answer. Yes he was most definitely grieving for his mother, but I can’t be sure my father didn’t force him to leave me. I don’t know how he would have done it, or what hold he could have had over Hudson, but I have always thought something went on. There’s no way he would have just left me the way he did unless something bad had gone on which meant he had no choice.
Maybe that’s just wishful thinking because I know if he did leave me just because of the reason he gave me, then he really couldn’t have loved me the way he claimed to.
“Maybe you should.” She tells me softly.
I wrap my arms around myself. I don’t want to ask him why he left anymore because if I’m honest with myself, I have always feared that he left because of something I did. In fact, I know he did. My mother tells me all the time.
It’s easy for me to blame my father in my head because that means I don’t have to face what I did to him. He asks me for forgiveness when it’s me who should ask him for that. He left to get away from me and now he’s back here claiming he wants me back. Why? It doesn’t make sense to me at all.
“He says he wants me back but I don’t understand why, Em.”
“What don’t you understand?”
“There’s a lot of things I don’t understand right now, Emilee. But mainly I don’t understand how he could still want me when I look like this.” I motion to my face and body.
She sighs and takes me by the shoulders. “Listen to me, babe. That man has loved you since he was a child, since you both were. Whatever his reasons for leaving they were his reasons. He didn’t leave because of you. Why he stayed away so long is something you’ll have to ask him. But remember this, love doesn’t care if you have scars. Love doesn’t care how weak or strong you are. Love cares not for the mistakes you make. Love cares only for love. And Hudson loves you, Callie, scars and all. Scars inside and out. Your souls call to each other. And it is so loud that we all hear it. A call like that should not be ignored.”
She tilts my chin up so she can look in my eyes. “I remember how you used to sit with me and tell me all about that man out there. The hurt he caused you, the way you wanted to die when he left you behind. How you ended up in a residential home after your breakdown. Then you told me how you clawed your way back to good health because you remembered how he promised to one day come back for you. You told me all about the love you shared with him, all the good times you had. And how that’s what you have clung to all these years. Even after what happened you, even being readmitted to the residential hospital, you still held on to the fact you loved him because that’s what got you through.”
Why does she have to be so goddamned smart?
Why does she have to listen to everything I tell her?
She’s a good friend, that’s why.
Isn’t that what true friends do?
“He’s been sat out there ever since he got here telling everyone how much he still loves you, Callie.”
“Will he still love me when he sees what’s underneath my clothes?”
She smiles and kisses my cheek. “He will always love you, Callie, no matter what. If you love him, trust him. Let the past go and move on with the future. He’s not going to let you down again, sweetheart.”
I know she’s right. I know I can’t live in the past, and I can’t let a dead man keep on ruling my life. I’m scarred. My body is mangled inside and out. But Hudson loves me. He has always loved me. Should I doubt that? Or should I give him the benefit of the doubt? It’s only my heart on the line, and God knows I have nothing else to give him.
*
I follow Emilee in to her backyard. Our friends are all here, sitting on loungers with their partners and drinking beer, laughing and having fun. Mia is sitting on Jesse’s lap. My sisters with their partners, and Paige in between her Kyle’s legs. I have to wonder what she’s doing with him. Every time he touches her she cringes. I need to have a talk with her and soon.
Aimee doesn’t have a boyfriend, she hasn’t had one in years. But she seems happy to be alone. Aidan and Caleb are playing soccer and laughing. Mia’s babies are inside with baby Harper. Hudson is sitting on the sun lounger next to Chase, like he’s king of the world. Everyone is sitting listening to him talking about his adventures in Europe.
Pity he never though to let me know where he was back then, might have saved me a lot of heartache.
He’s so beautiful, though. His dark hair, deep blue eyes, smile that screams, “Come to bed” still, after all this time, makes my heart beat so fast it feels like it’s forcing its way out of my chest. Even as children he had that effect on me. But he’s no longer a boy, he’s a man, a very strong man by the looks of him. Not that he wasn’t always strong because he was.
“He is gorgeous.” Emilee whispers in my ear. “Don’t tell my husband I said that. He can be a little jealous” She might be laughing but I know she’s right.
Chase is sixteen years older than Emilee, and is forever saying how Emilee can do much better than him. He might be forty but Chase is freaking hot in every sense of the word. And Emilee is obsessed with him. She would never be with anyone else. She’s loved him her whole life. He seriously has nothing to worry about.
I watch her skip over to Chase and wrap her arms around his neck while climbing onto his lap. She’s not even acting like a woman who only gave birth a few days ago. She didn’t have this much energy when she gave birth to Aidan! But I suppose she was on the run from a crazy monster back then.
I smile at Hudson as he turns his eyes to me, finally noticing that I’m watching him. He holds his hand out to me. If I take his hand, there’s no turning back, because as soon as he touches me, I’ll be as lost to him as I was the first moment I set eyes on him when I was four.
Something inside of me is telling me not to do it, I’m too damaged, he deserves better. But the smile on his face brings back so many good memories that the bad ones don’t seem to matter anymore. I deserve to be happy. I deserve his love. It has always belonged to me anyway. So why shouldn’t I take it back?
He tips his head to the side, silently telling me not to be afraid and to take his hand. I take a deep breath and walk towards him, taking his hand and allowing him to pull me between his legs. Oh god, there it is, the warm feeling inside of me whenever he touches me. Oh, hell, I’m lost!
I sit with my back to his chest as he wraps his arms around my waist. My eyes close on me for a second as he kisses my head. I lean my head against his cheek for a moment. He has no idea how good it feels inside for him to h
old me like this after all this time.
In a lot of ways I feel like we’ve never been apart. In a lot of ways I still feel like that twenty-one-year-old girl so very deeply in love with her fiancé that she sees nothing but him.
I don’t know if Emilee is right about our souls calling to each other. But I feel it so deeply inside of me right now that I never want him to let go.
I wrap my arms around his, holding him tightly, making sure he doesn’t let go. I don’t want him to let go. In his arms is the only place I have ever felt safe. Literally. I know we can’t just fall back into what we had, but surely we can start over? But I fear I’m going to have to tell him everything before that can happen.
“It’s just like old times.” My baby sister smiles at me. “Are you two back together?”
I open my mouth to answer Della.
Hudson and I aren’t back together. He and I haven’t really spoken about it yet. Yes, he’s told me he still loves me, tells me the same thing every day. But back together as in a relationship we haven’t really discussed it properly.
“Yes, we are.” Hudson says casually before I get the chance to answer my sister. The girl’s start screeching in excitement. But I feel like someone just slapped me across the face.
I turn my head towards him, he smiles and winks at me. I open my mouth to speak again but he leans in and kisses me. The kind of kiss that has me lost to him. I can hear wolf whistles from the men and aww’s from the women. And I’m so fucking lost in his kiss, but I am so annoyed with him. How could he tell them that we’re together when he hasn’t even given me time to think things through?
He cups the right side of my face, stroking my cheek with his thumb. He leans into me, his lips next to my ear. “You have always been mine.” The vibrations of his deep voice as he whispers in my ear has me squirming in my seat. I haven’t felt like this since he left. He’s always had the power to turn me on with just the touch of his fingertip. But his voice, Jesus, that does things to me.
“I know we have things to talk about. But I want everyone to know that you’re still mine. Mine.” I shudder and cup his face as he looks at me. “Okay?”
I can do nothing but nod my head as I bite my lip. “Are you sure you want…” He cuts me off with a kiss, making me smile against his mouth. I may have a few reservations about this, but he’s trying so hard to show me that he still wants me. I have to give him snaps for that.
I haven’t laughed so much in the longest of times. But I can’t deny that I haven’t stopped this evening. I haven’t sat back and really watched my friends before. Not really watched them and how happy they truly are with the men they love. The way their men hold them, kiss them, tell them how beautiful they are and how much they love them. There’s something so special about my best friends.
I’ve never really thanked them for being there for me after what happened. I feel like I’ve taken them for granted in a lot of ways. Fuck, I’ve been so selfish. They’ve always been there for me through everything, and yes, I have always been there for them. But why do I feel like I could do more? I want to do something for them all, something to show them how much I appreciate them. I just don’t know what yet.
“Do you remember when you guys stole dads car?”
“We didn’t steal is, Lora.” I laugh.
We so did steal it. I felt suffocated my whole life by my parents and their rules. Hudson showed me how to live without regret, how to get the most fun out of life. While we were together that’s exactly what I did. When he left he took it all with him. I was left behind doing as my parents told me to do, even though I was already an adult.
My mother is quite a strict woman, everything has to be her way or no way. Having Hudson around gave me the freedom to live life the way everyone should. All the plans I made for my future included him. When he left, my world ended. So many things happened to me that I gave up on life. It took me a long time to take control of things again. When I did, life seemed like it could be good again. It didn’t stop me missing Hudson, but I knew I would survive.
And I did.
Until that lunatic attacked me, then I was right back to square one. But I will never let it drag me completely under. I will get my life back to the way it once was no matter what it takes.
“Okay, we stole it.” I laugh.
“Dad was so mad.” Della says.
“He certainly let my mother know that he’d arrest me if I went near Callie again.”
“Did you?” Jesse asks.
“What, stay away from Callie?” Jesse nods at Hudson with a smile on his face. “Nope.” I smile as Hudson kisses my head. “Nothing he ever said could have made me stay away from her back then.” Back then? Is he saying he would now if my father told him to?
Thinking too much into things again, Callie.
“He arrested you.” Tommy can’t seem to stop laughing.
It’s true my father did arrest Hudson. He locked him up and threatened to charge him with grand theft auto. It took Enzo all his power to get my father to let Hudson off with a warning. Enzo knew as well as I did that if my father charged Hudson he wouldn’t’ve got into the college he wanted. Not that I wanted him to go away to college. He would have been over two hours away from me and I wouldn’t have been able to see him every day.
My father did let him off with a warning and Hudson did get into college, and he did leave me to go. But he drove home every Friday evening and stayed until Sunday evening. And I saw him every holiday, so it wasn’t all bad. Plus, he graduated a year ahead of everyone else with his financial degree.
Hudson has always been very smart. Smarter than most people our age. Even in preschool he was doing the work of an eight-year-old. He was offered a place in college at the age of fourteen. He turned it down because wanted to stay at school with his friends, with me. I always thought that was the wrong choice. But it was his choice, no one else’s.
“Your brother almost killed you.”
“He would have too, Fred, if it wasn’t for Callie.”
“I didn’t do anything.”
“You took the blame so he wouldn’t think badly of me.”
“It’s not like it was just you. I was there too.” He smiles against my temple and kiss me there. I smile and snuggle into him. I have missed this so much. I don’t think I actually realized how much until he held me.
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you smile the way you are right now.” I blush.
Mia doesn’t know me as well as the other girls, but maybe she’s right. I mean it’s not like I’ve had much to smile about in the past five years.
“She never could help it when Sonny was around.” My god, I feel so embarrassed. Paige is just smirking at me. The girl might be a couple years younger than me, and more Della’s best friend than mine, but she’s an amazing friend. But right now she certainly knows how to make me feel uncomfortable.
“Aunt Callie?”
I sit up and smile at Caleb. He’s such a beautiful little boy. “Yes, sweetheart?”
“This is for you.” He hands me a tiny white teddy bear. I look at it with a curious smile on my face. “Aidan and me bought him for you.”
“You did?” He nods as Aidan runs towards up and stands beside Caleb. “Thank you,”
“He will look after you when you have your operation.”
“Aww, boys, that’s so sweet.” I hug them both tightly. I can feel the tension in Hudson as he shifts behind me.
“We gave him a special kiss. The babies kissed him too. Dad said that way when you have your operation we’ll all be with you.”
I can feel tears welling in the back of my eyes. These little boys aged eight and three have just made my day. I never realized how much a child could love another person so effortlessly. It comes so naturally to them.
“That’s so sweet. I will cherish him always.”
“I love you.”
“Aww, Aidan, I love you, too” His sweet little giggle in my ear as he hugs me makes me fee
l a little sad. Sad because I’ll never have this, a child of my own.
“I love you, too.”
“And I love you, Caleb.”
Such sweet little boys. I used to worry that they’d be scared of me if they ever saw my face. But the kids are less scared about these things then the adults are. I could be in a room full of kids with my face uncovered and it wouldn’t bother them. They’d see me as they always have. Adults would freak out and make their kids walk away. Adults are the reason children become afraid of things. A child will look at you and their innocence will allow them to see you as everyone should see you. Not that I could test that theory when my face is covered. But I know it to be true.
“What operation?” Hudson grinds in my ear. Is he seriously pissed that I didn’t tell him? He’s been home a few fucking days, he doesn’t have the damn right to be pissed off about anything right now.
I don’t answer Hudson, I just continue talking with my friends. I keep myself sitting forward, Hudson doesn’t seem to want to touch me again. He sits back and avoids touching me. It hurts a little, but it just proves to me that he’s not ready for this. He’s not ready for a relationship with me. I should have known. I never should have let myself believe… Fuck it all!
I get to my feet and brush down my shirt with my hands unnecessarily.
“You okay, babe?”
I nod at Emilee, even though I don’t feel very okay right now. “Just gonna head off. I need to let the dogs out.”
“I’ll take you.”
“No, thank you.” I shake my head at Hudson. I don’t need him to take me anywhere. I’ve got my car. Besides I didn’t see his car or bike when I arrived. “I don’t need anyone to take me anywhere. I can drive. I still have the used of my hands and feet.” He narrows his eyes but doesn’t argue with me. I say goodbye to my friends and leave.
Nine
Hudson
Shit, shit, double shit!
Everything was going great until I demanded she tell me what those kids were talking about. Can she really blame me? I had no idea she was having any kind of operation. She never mentioned it. Surely she would have?