Hidden Barriers

by Sara Shirley

  Even if I don’t, it’s still a couple of days away from everything here. I’m looking forward to the quiet, rustic cabin and the loons on the lake in the morning. And by “loons,” I mean the ducks and not the two girls heading north to New Hampshire.

  The weekend getaway comes and goes way too quickly. It seems as though Lucy and I just got here and already we’re heading home tonight. Lucy decided about two hours ago that she was going to head into town to do some shopping at the outlet stores about a half hour south of the lake.

  I told her I was going to stay at the cabin to relax on the deck with my coffee and maybe take the canoe out for a quick spin. Clearly, the idea of heading out on the cold water in the lingering morning fog didn’t beat out shopping.

  As she was leaving in her VW Beetle, she yelled out the window to make sure I didn’t go off in the canoe before she got back. Not exactly knowing why that would make any difference, I just stood there in my ratty old flannel pajamas and monkey slippers and assured her I would be here waiting until she got back.

  I’ve been waiting here for two freakin’ hours. I’ve tried calling her a few times, but each time I end up getting her voicemail. I’ve found myself engrossed in the birds chirping and fish jumping on the lake as I watch from the Adirondack chair at the end of the dock. The sound of tires slowly making their way up the driveway pull me from my Zen-like state.

  I grab my coffee mug and hurry my pace toward the cabin to see just how much shopping Lucy actually did, and knowing her, she most likely doesn’t have any room left in her car for me to put my suitcase, let alone an additional passenger.

  I rush up the back stairs and through the back sliding door without shutting it. As I push through the room, I slide my coffee mug onto the wooden counter in the kitchen and continue to make my way to unlock the front door for her. “Lucy, it’s been three hours!”

  I reach to turn the deadbolt and twist the doorknob, opening the door in a hurry. The body standing before me renders me speechless. Expecting to see Lucy in the driveway, I take a step back in shock.

  I never thought he would be here. How did he find me?

  I watch as his eyes stay fixed on mine, neither of us saying a word until I see his lips move and hear the voice I haven’t heard in so long.

  Whenever I walked off the airplane and read the text messages from Lucy and Drew, I knew I was making the right decision. Yesterday, as I was watching Jeremy marry the woman who makes him happy, I had my mind made up. Then, my mind was convinced when I saw Dave and Sue on my phone screen just before I recorded the ceremony. Sue was sitting there wiping tears from her eyes as Emily walked down the aisle on my father’s arm.

  Thank God I’m not a betting man, because I would have lost miserably had I bet against Emily going through with Jeremy’s idea. My eyes were opened this week, and I realized I could no longer walk away from my mistakes. Sometimes I should really listen to my own advice; it seems to have worked for Jeremy.

  Emily sat beside me on the flight home today. Her blue eyes were filled with love and hope as she looked across the aisle at me. When I pulled the headphones from my ears, the words she uttered left me wondering why I have been such an idiot. “You said Jeremy would come back to me, and he did. Even after I pushed him away, he still came back. So, why aren’t you listening to your own advice for once?”

  Emily’s words kept repeating in my head until I turned on my phone at the gate and read the text messages from Drew and Lucy. Drew told me he left Sam a few days ago and that it ought to be me there instead, and Lucy’s text told me that Sam needs me more than her right now.

  I pull down the dirt road of the address Drew gave me to see the dark brown cottage that overlooks the lake. Turning off the radio, I hear the crunch of twigs under my tires and nothing other than nature and solitude envelope me.

  After shutting off my Jeep, I close the door behind me as I make my way up the front path. Before I have a chance to knock, her voice stops me instantly. I’ve missed hearing that sound so much. The door swings wide open, and she stands before me in her worn-down clothes, bed hair, and ugly ass socks with monkeys staring back up at me.

  Sam remains speechless, obviously not expecting to see me here on the doorstep. I know we both need to talk, but the only words I can muster are, “God, Sam, I’ve missed you. I’ve missed you so fuckin’ much.” Within seconds, my arms wrap around her small frame so tightly I’m sure she’s unable to breathe.

  “Josh?” Sam’s fingers rest inside my belt as I ease up on my embrace. “What are you doing here?” she questions with raised eyebrows as she tilts her head up to look at me. Narrowing my eyes at her, I wonder if she doesn’t actually want to see me. She must notice the confused look on my face as she shakes her head. “I mean, how did you know I was here?”

  “Drew and Lucy sent me text messages saying you needed me, so I came right from the airport,” I explain as I continue to hold her in my arms. Her arms suddenly wrap their way around my waist as my hands run up her back to hold her head to my chest.

  “I’m so sorry for what I said last week,” Sam whimpers into my shirt. “I never meant to push you away; I just didn’t know what to do.”

  I slowly pull away from our embrace and stare into her glassy eyes. “I’m here now. Nothing else matters, okay? You…me…we work through this…together.” She nods in agreement as I hold her face tenderly in my hands. “Whatever you’re feeling, whether you’re scared…sad…mad…I’ll be there for you. I love you so much, Sam.”

  Sam’s lips move to within inches of my face. She rests her forehead on mine, her nose touching mine as she lovingly runs it along my own. Her eyes shut for a brief moment as her tongue wets her lips. “I love you too, Josh,” she whispers. “Please, don’t ever leave me again. I need you more than anything now.”

  Leaning back slightly, I see her eyes open again. “Sugar, you don’t need to worry about that anymore. You aren’t going to be able to get rid of me after this,” I say with a steady voice as I study her face. I see her desire and need for me behind her silent eyes.

  I will protect her with every breath I take until it’s my last. I’m sure I will walk through fire and never question myself beforehand. Sam is it for me. She’s my life. My happiness. Screw everything else that tries to come between us. She is the only one I want to wake up to in my future.

  Our future.

  My lips move over hers as I watch her weaken before me. Her breathing rapidly increases when I push my lips upon hers. My tongue darts into her mouth, suddenly colliding with her own and becoming a tangled mess. I feel Sam’s hands run up the back of my neck as I unknowingly push her against the doorframe behind her. A muffled grunt sounds from the back of her throat as I see her face grimace slightly before I pull back from our kiss.

  “You want to head inside?” she asks. “There’s a lot we need to talk about,” Sam continues talking as she makes her way back into the cabin. I follow close behind, shutting the door behind me as she goes to sit on the sofa.

  The cabin appears in better shape than I would have expected for the area. Most of the cabins on this side of the lake are older and neglected. It’s clear that Sam’s family has put in a lot of time and effort to keep it in good shape.

  A large stone fireplace sits in the middle of the living space, separating it from the kitchen that is lined with windows overlooking the water. Wooden beams accent the high ceilings where an old, rustic chandelier hangs. All the amenities fit in with the surroundings.

  I move toward Sam who is tapping away on her cell phone. “Is everything all right?” I ask, wondering who she might be texting.

  “Yeah, I’m just letting Lucy know to take her time shopping because I need time to talk to you.”

  “Oh, I don’t think you have to worry about her.” I laugh as I toss my coat over the back of the sofa and sit next to her. “She’s one of the ones who sent me a message to come up here. I’m pretty sure she’s also nearly home by now, since the last I heard she
was crossing the border into Massachusetts,” I explain as I lean back, continuing to stare at Sam as she looks completely confused.

  “She left me here! That’s. Just. Great,” she annoyingly says. “Wait, you said ‘one of the ones.’ Who else asked you to drive up here?” Sam asks as she tucks her monkey-clad feet under her on the sofa.

  “Drew. He thought you needed me more than him or something like that,” I answer as I continue to move closer to her. I reach out to grab her hand in mine, pulling her into my chest. Her head rests just over my heart. “So, do you, Sam? Do you need me more than him?”

  I hear her let out a long, drawn-out sigh before releasing a soft response, and it’s the only response I needed to hear after the last time I saw her.

  “Yes.”

  “But!” I pull back quickly from Josh’s arms, keeping my arm propped in front of me as I stare into his eyes.

  His eyes enlarge at my sudden change in tone. “First, we need to set some things straight. You hurt me last weekend when I walked into your parents’ kitchen. Seeing you with Sue…You remember when I met with Courtney last week?” Josh nods, but remains silent, allowing me to get this off my chest. “Do you know what I asked her? I asked her if there was some reason why you might think I’m an embarrassment to your family.”

  “Why would you think that?” Josh butts in.

  “What was I supposed to think, Josh? You never openly expressed any interest to allow me into your family until recently. And, to find out you still hadn’t told Sue or Emily about me after we’d been dating for months? What was I supposed to think?” I slump my shoulders and drop my head to my chest. “Then, the whole Stone thing happened, and I had just had enough.”

  Josh pulls up my chin with his finger to make me look him in the eyes. “I love you and only you.” He eyes me as he searches for my understanding in his words. I nod, reassuring him I get it now. He continues to run his thumb over my chin. “I know I should have introduced you to my entire family sooner. I’m sorry; that’s my fault completely.”

  Josh’s eyes dart out over my shoulder at the lake. “C’mon, what I have to say I am not saying in here.” He stands, grabbing my hand and pulling me out through the back door to the docks. Once we reach the end of the docks, maybe a hundred feet from shore, he moves me to stand in front of him. With my back to his chest, he wraps his arms around me from behind. “Close your eyes, Sam.” I shut my eyes as he requests. “Do you hear that? Can you feel it?”

  Continuing to keep my eyes closed, I raise my head and listen as the water slaps against the shore, the birds flutter about in the trees, and a motorboat races on the lake. The sun peeking its way through a wispy cloud warms my face, and suddenly, my body relaxes in his arms. His grip tightens slightly as I lean further into his chest.

  “That feeling you have right now is the same feeling I get whenever I’m around you. Everything about you makes me feel exactly what you’re feeling right now.” Josh leans in closer to my ear, so I can feel his breath against my cheek. “You’re my future, Sam, and as scared as I was to admit that before to not only my family, but also to myself, I’m telling you now. I want a future with you and only you because I cannot go another day without hearing your voice, seeing your smile, or feeling you next to me after we make love. You get what I’m saying, Sam? No more bullshit. I want you, and I want you to be a part of my family. And, as much as they all love you, nothing compares to what I’m willing to give you.”

  Hazy with unshed tears, my eyes flutter open. I turn in his arms to face him. “What are you giving me?” I ask.

  “I’m giving you all of me. If you see me in your life five, ten, fifty years from now, say the word, Sam.” Josh falls at my feet in front of me, looking up from his knees. “I want you, Sam. I want the house, the dog, the kids, and the fucking white picket fence. It may not happen this year or even five years from now, but one day I want to see you walk down the aisle toward me. What do you say?”

  Holding my hands over my heart to keep it from pounding out of my chest, I stare back at him as I process everything he’s just asked of me. Five months ago if you had asked me if I saw settling down with a guy I accidentally ran into in my cards, I probably would have laughed in your face. But, here I am, standing before a man who has held my heart and has pushed me to see that love isn’t entirely impossible for either of us. It has just been hiding all this time.

  Josh continues to stare up at me from his knees and raises his eyebrows, clearly waiting for any response I can offer him. After what seems like minutes of silent torture, I lower both of my hands to the sides of his face and gently smile back at him. “Joshua Dean Page, I love you so much. If you can offer me a lifetime of happiness beside you, I can’t see any reason why I would say no. Well, except for maybe one reason.”

  Eyeing me suspiciously before standing to his feet again, he says, “Sam, if you want me to do this the traditional way, I will have no problem asking your family for permission for your hand in marriage someday in the future.”

  I chuckle softly. “No, you dork. Although Drew might say you need to ask him…but whatever, that’s not what I was thinking. If you are serious about our future together, you will have to do something that will prove you love me more than anything else.”

  “Do I dare ask what that might be?” Josh asks as he wraps his hands around my waist, pulling me close to him.

  “No way. I can’t tell you that. You will just have to figure it out on your own. If you get it right, I’ll have no doubt in my mind that you were meant for me.”

  It’s been a few weeks since Sam and I had our moment on the dock at the lake house. Yes, we absolutely have a long way to go before we ever get married. I’ll be the first one to admit that, but when the day comes, I know without any doubt I want it to be her.

  We’ve kept our commitment to one another a secret from our families, for now. Sam thought that moment was meant for us and only us, and sharing it too soon may ruin what we have only just started. She’s filled with such joy and laughter when we’re together that we can’t see any reason why we shouldn’t start living our lives together.

  We decided just days ago that moving in together made sense, although we felt bad leaving behind the friends who ultimately brought us together. In the end, though, it is going to be the right decision.

  We’ve been driving around searching for rental places all day today. I would have bought Sam her dream house if it meant putting a stop to this painful search. I’m just one big fuckin’ ray of sunshine at the moment. If I see one more dilapidated townhouse, I may drive my baby into the nearest telephone pole and call it a day.

  I finally decided to take my vintage Chevy out of the garage at my parents’ place. Dad thought I might be sick or lost my marbles when I asked him for the keys this morning. I may have fibbed and said it was going to be nearly eighty degrees today, and since I lived close now, it made taking her out for drives much easier. Yeah, I blatantly lied. It is really another way of putting my past behind me and starting my future.

  The minute Sam sat in the passenger seat, pushed off her flip-flops, and hung her feet out the window, I knew any bad memories with my car were gone. She was creating new ones for me. As she continued to sing along to songs from The Band and other classic rock band tunes cranking through the old speakers, I fell in love with her a little more.

  If she still fears Stone’s reappearance, she’s been hiding it well. Nick has said he will do what he can to check any outlets while he is at work, but as of right now, there is no sign of Stone. That alone has allowed an uneasy feeling to settle deep within my stomach, and I feel worse about how protective I’ve become around Sam. I’ve made sure she hasn’t had a moment alone since we got home from the lake house.

  Last week, Sam ran inside the house before I could make sure it was clear. When I yelled for her and followed her voice into the bathroom, she flipped her shit on me, probably because she was in the middle of taking a pee. That’s when I knew I nee
ded to let her breathe a little, so I recruited the rest of the crew to make sure until Stone is found someone is around her.

  Nick is stopping by later while I help Sam start packing her things to give me some updates on the case. Something tells me I’m not going to like what he has to say.

  Sam reaches over to the radio and turns down the Kansas classic she has been humming along to. She pulls in her feet from the window and pushes her aviator sunglasses onto her head as she turns to face me. “All right, what’s up with you today? You hate all the houses we’ve looked at. You aren’t talking anymore, and even driving around in this freakin’ pimp ass car isn’t making you happy. So, what’s up?”

  I keep my eyes on the road as I rest one arm out the car door, and my other hand clutches the steering wheel as my thumb taps nervously. Blowing out a long breath, I try to think of how I should word my thoughts. I pull the car off to the side of the road, stopping next to a few horses from the nearby farm. They buck their heads up and down as the dust from the dirt road startles them from their grazing.

  After putting the car into park, I turn to Sam, resting my hand over the back of the passenger seat headrest. “Josh, what’s going on?” she asks with worry displayed on her face.

  I pull my hand from the seat to push back the hair that has come loose from her ponytail. “Sam, I want us to start our future together, more than you even know. But, once you move out of the house with the girls, I’m going to worry about you being alone even more than I do now. Until we know for sure where Stone has disappeared to, I need to make sure you’re always safe.” She turns to look out her open window at the horses that slowly stalk along the fence.