The Improbable

by Tiara James

  Every single aspect of my life felt so broken and hopeless. I myself felt so broken and hopeless. I wanted to curl up on my daddy’s lap and cry about it so he could comfort me and tell me all was going to be just fine. That wasn’t an option. I wanted to be wrapped up in David’s arms because I knew that if anything we were comforted enough in each other’s presence alone. I couldn’t even go to my love for comfort. Oh, my David O’Neil, would he ever come back? I began to worry as I thought of him becoming someone I didn’t even know. Was he right…had the odds against us won?

  32. Haunted

  I knew I hurt Eva. It was unintentional.

  There was just too much going on in my life and in my mind. I felt like I had to deal with one thing at a time. After Chris’s funeral…and after the talk with Eva, I headed straight home. I didn’t bother turning any of the lights on as I entered the house and went straight to my alcohol cabinet. I loosened my tie angrily as I poured myself a drink and tossed it back in record time. I brought the bottle with me to the couch.

  I sat watching the rain stream down the window as I took swigs from the bottle. Old feelings of how I felt when my mom passed away began to haunt me. No father and no mother…who do you have to live for now? A sick voice in my head chuckled evilly. No one to make proud, no footsteps to follow…poor bastard. The voice in my head continued. I shook my head, feeling helpless against the trials of the world. What was I going to do? Push everyone out again? In that moment, that felt like the best way to go. They couldn’t help me and they couldn’t bring my father and my best friend back!

  Lately, there were too many people telling me the same thing. If it wasn’t ‘I’m sorry for your loss’ then it was ‘stay strong, it’ll get better’ and I just didn’t want to hear any of that shit! I was mad at everyone. Everyone. Of course I still loved Eva-Marie dearly but I just didn’t have the emotional capacity to deal with her at the moment. I hoped with all my heart she would still want to be with me when I was done dealing with the mess at hand…

  33. Love Lost?

  Three days.

  For three long days, I tossed and turned in my bed in and out of sleep. The pain hadn’t lessened by the slightest bit. The pain of losing Chris. The pain of losing my father. The pain of losing David to his own grief. I couldn’t take all of it at once. My mother had come in once to notify me that they had officially placed my father in jail. Great, I thought. Just adding on to the overflowing plate...

  Flora came into my room and set breakfast…or dinner on my nightstand. “You must eat,” she told me.

  I pried my eyes open, seeing that it was still dark and rainy outside. Was this the night of the third day? Or the morning of the fourth day? Hell, I didn’t know nor did I care! “I’m not hungry,” I turned away from the food and tugged the covers up under my chin.

  “The sun should be up tomorrow, miss. That will be good for you instead of sitting in the dark.” Flora said, trying to create conversation.

  I stared blankly at the wall with my back to her. Sun? I thought in disgust. I wanted to stay in the dark. “Take the food. Close the curtains.” I heard her slide the drapes together and pick up the tray of food before quietly exiting the room.

  I was hanging in there…I was truly trying to hang in there.

  34. I Hate Me

  A week. Seven days I’d been in my house, alternating from the couch to my bed.

  Nothing was comfortable. I had run out of liquor and moved onto wine because I didn’t want to make any trips to the supermarket. My head was a spinning machine most of the days. The rainy days didn’t last forever…unfortunately. When the sun began to shine, I made sure to close all the blinds in the house. I didn’t want to see the fucking sun. To me, the sun represented everything bright and cheery – there was nothing bright and cheery about my life. The only time I opened the front window shades was at night, when I would let the moonlight come through the window.

  Deciding I would sleep on the couch that night, I stumbled back to my room to retrieve a pillow from my bed. I furrowed my eyebrows and squinted at a book on the nightstand. I picked it up and held it up in the moonlight to read the title. Giada. I felt alive for a moment as remembered the day when Eva had given me the book to read. I closed my eyes and could almost feel the light breeze brush against my face and smell her flowery scent in the wind as she laid across my lap that day.

  My sweet Eva…oh my God that woman! The only one that had saved me from myself. I wasn’t pleased with her involvement in the Trioxytin production but in all honesty I didn’t care…I was in love with her and nothing changed my mind about that. What had I done? How had I messed that up? I angrily staggered into the bathroom and switched the light on, assessing myself in the mirror. My beard was out of control, my eyes were of someone I couldn’t even recognize, and the permanent menacing look in my eyes was quite frightening even to me.

  “You fucking did this.” I growled to myself in the mirror, disgusted with myself. “You hear me? If she leaves you just know that you fucking did this! You fucking bastard!” I slammed my hands on the mirror, slightly cracking it. “What have you done! What have you fucking done?” I yelled, out of breath and backing away from the mirror. I anxiously ran my hands through my hair, shaking my head.

  I was ashamed of myself. I was disgusted with myself. I had become a terrifying animal and I didn’t know how to change it. I bounced from wall to wall hopelessly as I made my way through the hallway and then continued to collapse on the couch. The moonlight streamed in through the window and shined down on me, seemingly wrapping its arms around me and trying to console me as it’d done many nights before.

  35. Progress

  I found the energy to sit up on my bed.

  I blinked and looked around, seeing there was no light streaming from the break in the drapes I knew it was nighttime outside. I sighed and wondered how my life had done a complete turnaround. Then all the events started surfacing in my mind and I quickly shut them back out. My legs were stiff as I made my way across the room to my dresser. I knew that if anything, reading Giada would cheer me up slightly. I dug through my drawers and wasn’t able to find the book. I grew irritated.

  The more I remembered what I’d done with it, the more it hurt. “Dammit! Why’d I up and give it away? Why!” I beat myself up. I had completely forgot I’d given the book to David so he could read it. I banged my back against my dresser and slid down onto the floor, holding onto myself. Why wasn’t anything going right?

  “Eva! Honey, are you alright?” Mama came into the room with Flora behind her. “We heard you yelling.”

  I sniffed. “I’m fine. Just going to get in the bath.”

  “Flora could you please run a bath?” Mama asked making her way over to me. She wrapped her arms around me and pulled me up, walking over to the bay window. Mama sat down and gently pulled me down next to her, laying my head on her lap. She lightly ran her hands through my hair, relaxing me instantly.

  “This hurts so bad Mama,” I whispered. “I miss Daddy. I miss David. I miss the way things used to be.”

  “I know baby, I know.” She rubbed my back. “Your daddy will be just fine. He’s a tough man. He’ll be out of there before you know it. I cry to myself at night too, I love that man and I can’t stand not having him here with me every day. I feel your pain, darlin’.”

  I rubbed my mom’s leg. “We’re gonna be okay, mama.”

  “What happened with David? Do you wanna talk about it?”

  I was quiet for a moment. “He said he needed time to himself, and I understand that because he’s going through a lot right now. But he hasn’t talked to me since then and I don’t…I just don’t wanna lose him to depression like his friends did, Mama. I don’t know what to do.”

  Mama sighed. “Men are very hard to deal with when they’re upset, trust me I know. Just give him some time, baby. He needs this time to cope just like you do and sometimes it is something that has to be done on your own.” She paused and giggled ligh
tly. “But it seems like we’re both waiting on our men, baby. Though, I might be waitin’ a little longer than you.”

  “How long is Daddy in for?”

  “A couple years.” She answered.

  “You’re not afraid of losing the love between the two of you?” I wondered.

  “No, baby, of course not. Once you fall in love with someone, it doesn’t matter how long you two are away from each other. It could be one month or ten years. When you see each other again it’s like picking up where you left off. You’ll see one day.”

  I thought about David and I’s situation and wondered how it would be when I saw him again. If I’d ever see him again…Though it’d only been a week so far, it felt like at least two months had gone by! “I hope it’s that way with David.”

  “Oh darlin’ I’m sure it will be, he loves you. You two have made it a long way with a lot going against the two of you, including your father and I. For that, I’m sorry, but I have a good feeling about that young man.” Mama smiled.

  I slowly rose, a bit excited to get into the warm bathtub. “I hope your good feeling is right, Mama. Could you have Flora bring me the mail, please?”

  “Of course my love.” Mama kissed me on the forehead before heading downstairs.

  I let my robe drop to the floor and looked at myself in the mirror, frightened by my reflection. I had dropped a good amount of weight from not eating, my eyes were bloodshot red and puffy, and dark circles were hanging out under my eyes. Who was this person staring back at me? In all honesty I was quite frightened to see myself in such a way! Not being able to take the sight of myself, I turned and slowly slid into the warm, bubbly water. Instantly my muscles relaxed, the heartache lessened slightly, the heavy weight on my chest lifted slightly and I felt like I could…breathe!

  “Your mail, miss.” Flora handed me two envelopes.

  “So much mail for a whole week.” I snorted lightly, surprised I could even crack a joke!

  Flora shrugged. “Some has been withheld.”

  “For what reasons?” I questioned.

  “Notes… from Mr. Jackson, miss.” She answered in a low voice.

  I shook my head. “Hmm.”

  “I’ll leave you to enjoy your bath,” Flora smiled. “It’s nice to see you out of bed.” She told me before closing the door gently.

  It felt good to be out of bed. I tore open the first envelope and began reading.

  As I began reading the letter inside, I noticed that one of Ray’s death threats had slipped through Mama’s filter. I sighed as I read his desperate attempts to scare me and make me jealous. He went on to talk about how he had found someone else and they were leaving town and he hoped I died. I snorted at his letter, thinking I didn’t need him killing me because I might as well have died with all the pain I’d been going through. I held the letter over the candle and set his pathetic letter on fire. The flame mesmerized me and it felt good to finally get that ole bastard out of my life for good! Dipping the burning envelope into the water, I sighed and then tossed it on the bathroom floor. I wasn’t even up to read the second letter.

  I leaned back and dipped myself low into the water. David was on my mind. David was always on my mind. There was truly no escaping the one you loved. Submerging myself completely into the water, I began to think. What would happen if I couldn’t revive David from his grief this time? Would he find someone else? If that would be the case…would I find someone else? There was no one else for me. So what would I do if he was to move on and I didn’t? Beginning to run out of breath under water, I came up out of the water and leaned forward on my knees.

  There’s no one else for me, I thought sadly to myself.

  36. Timmy’s Frustration

  I forced myself to get into the shower.

  It didn’t feel as good as I had expected it to but it was a nice change from the routine of moving from the couch to my bed. I shut the water off and headed to my room to dry myself off. The sound of banging on my door startled me, but I made no moves to answer the door. It was unlocked.

  “David!” Timmy’s voice boomed through the house. “David are you in here?” He asked, sounding concerned. His footsteps moved through the house and finally ended at my door. “You’re alive.” He said when he saw me on my bed.

  “Surprisingly,” I added in a flat tone, sitting on the edge of my bed.

  “Haven’t seen you in quite a while.” He put his hands in his pockets. “I ran into Eva-Marie yesterday at the supermarket and she said she hadn’t seen you either. We miss you in the real world, brother.”

  My heart skipped a beat at the sound of Eva’s name. I felt terrible when I knew how badly I was letting her down. I hadn’t contacted her in a while. She couldn’t see me like this. “How is she?” I wondered.

  “She’s doing better.” Timmy told me.

  “I don’t want her to see me like this.” I said, not looking at him.

  “Look, I know this is tough man. Believe me I’m grieving just as much as the next person, but it’s been a long time and you gotta get back to life.” Timmy told me with his hands on his hips.

  I shrugged slowly.

  “You’re the new chief. They’re waiting on you. You have to get back to work, David.” He said in a stern voice.

  I ran my hand through my hair and sighed.

  Timmy exhaled loudly. “So when are you gonna be ready? Another seven years? I love you man, you’re my brother but I can’t let you slip back into this again!”

  “I’m not slipping back into anything,” I denied. “Calm down.”

  “No I’m not gonna calm down! Because you have a life to live! And I’ve seen you go through this before, I know how this goes. I’ve already lost one friend, I don’t need it to feel like I lost another!” Timmy exclaimed.

  “You’re not losing me, I’m fine!” I shouted.

  “We are losing you! You should’ve seen the look in Eva-Marie’s eyes when I asked about you, it was as if I’d asked about someone that died! She hasn’t forgotten about you but give it enough time and she will. Is that what you want, you want to lose the one you love? You’ve come so far and you’re just going to throw it all away now?” Timmy threw his hands up in frustration.

  “Timmy, that’s not it. I –”

  “Just stop! Wake up and look around, brother. We can’t all wait for you.” Timmy shook his head. “I’m not asking you to jump back into the swing of things like nothing ever happened, I’m asking you to at least make an effort. We just need to see an effort to see that you still wanna be here with us. ‘Cause I’m tellin’ you…life goes on. We’re gonna go on. Do you want us to go without you?” He asked, looking at me with a concerned expression. He sighed before walking out of the room. He turned when he was halfway down the hallway and came back. “You know we never told you, but Chris and I agreed on one thing…Eva-Marie brought you back to us. You need her in your life, brother. I know you don’t want her to see you like this…but she doesn’t deserve this. Don’t leave her waiting forever.”

  With that, Timmy disappeared down the hallway and shut the front door behind him.

  In all the time Timmy and I had been friends, he’d never yelled at me in such a way. I was taken aback but I completely understood where he was coming from. Timmy was right, Eva didn’t deserve the way I was neglecting her and I knew that eventually she would get tired of waiting around for me whether she loved me or not. I had to get myself together. Everything Timmy had said was exactly what I needed to hear.

  A wake up call. A truly needed wakeup call.

  37. The Announcement

  I was getting better. It wasn’t easy…but each day I was getting better.

  Kate had called me to get out the house one day. We only ended up going to the supermarket but she told me ‘trips to the supermarket will do the body good’. So I took her word for it. There, we ran into Timmy who asked me about David. I kept my answer simple, but in my mind I was the one who wanted to ask him a million and one questions
about David! I wanted to know how he was doing, what he’d been doing, and if he’d asked about me! However, even Timmy said he hadn’t seen him since the funeral. Then I knew it had to be bad, my heart still ached for my love. I knew he was really having a tough time.

  I knew I couldn’t stay in my room depressed about David or my father or Chris all day. After our trip to the supermarket, the next day we tried shopping with the rest of the girls. Kate told me ‘retail therapy was good for the soul’. I didn’t buy much…I just watched them try on clothes and nodded when they asked for my opinion. The day after that, we went out for ice cream. It was the same ice cream parlor David had taken me to on our first night out together. Oh the memories! I settled for a glass of soda, not able to handle the nostalgic ice cream. Day after day, no matter how much better I was feeling about everything else, I still felt incomplete. Without my father and David in my life, I felt incomplete.

  One day, the girls and I were having lunch at the city club. In the midst of everyone talking and giggling together, I sat staring blankly into space. I was trying to figure out how to break the news to them. I looked around at the happy faces of all my friends. I was the only one that wasn’t healing as quickly as everyone else. A few days back I’d made the decision that I needed a change.

  “Hey,” Rita tapped my shoulder, pulling me out of my thoughts. “Are you okay?”

  I tried my best to smile and nodded. “Of course I am.”

  She squinted her eyes. “Do you think I don’t know you, Eva-Marie? I know exactly when you’re lying about something.”

  I pursed my lips.