Pew! Pew! - Sex, Guns, Spaceships... Oh My!

by M. D. Cooper

  An inpatient-looking General Fudd filled the screen. “You just signed your death warrants, gentlemen.”

  Macy held her nose up indignantly. “I’ll have you know, I’m a lady, thank you very much! I mean, I’m wearing a purple shimmering catsuit with my boobs half out! How could you not notice? Are all the men around here blind?”

  Jones stood up and tucked his hands in front of him. “As previously discussed, you know I know that you know, but the real trick is this—I know something you don’t know.”

  General Fudd blinked his eyes, and he wasn’t alone. Two officers behind him blinked, as well, and Macy blinked as she turned to stare up at Jones with a slack jaw. Jones stroked her soft chin and gently pushed it back up.

  Nothing worse than a gawker.

  “Very good then,” General Fudd said. “What is it that I don’t know?”

  Jones laughed. “I can’t tell you that.”

  “And why not?”

  “Because then you’d know what I know that you don’t know,” Jones snorted. “Obviously.”

  The general’s jaw worked its way back and forth. “I’m not exactly sure how to respond to that.”

  Jones nodded. “As you shouldn’t. But if you lower your shields and show us that Captain Spectacular is all right, maybe we can work out a deal.”

  “A deal?” The general laughed. “What makes you think you’re in any position to barter a deal?” He turned to his officers, and ordered, “Lock on target.”

  Macy squealed in horror. “Jim!”

  “Locking onto the Barnburner, sir,” Fudd’s goon confirmed.

  “What I know that you don’t know is important information, General. If you don’t learn what I know, you won’t see the enemy creeping up your back. You’ll be dead before you can say ‘bowl of petunias’.”

  “Why the hell would I ever say ‘bowl of petunias’?”

  “Boom,” Jones said and snapped his fingers. “Dead, just like that.”

  Stephen snickered.

  Fudd held his breath. The longer he held it, the redder his face became.

  “Careful,” Jones mocked, “you might burst like an over ripe tomato…sir.”

  Fudd sighed. “Okay, Jones. I’ll bite. What sort of deal is it that you want to make?”

  It was the moment of truth. Jones licked his lips and held on tight. “Transfer Captain Spectacular to us or we’ll disable your hyperdrive. When The Hive arrives, they’ll find you stranded with information on your computer system that shows you double-crossed them.”

  “What?!” Macy and Stephen asked loudly with their eyes growing wider the longer the conversation went on.

  Fudd just laughed. “Oh, Captain. You are as amusing as a jack in the box! However, I’m afraid we don’t have time for games right now. If you’ll excuse me, I have a prize to deliver to The Hive.”

  “That delivery ain’t gonna to come cheap, General.” Jones leaned over and turned off the transmission.

  Macy squealed and shook her hands at him. “We’re going to die! Oh my God, we’re going to die! I’m too pretty to die, Captain!”

  “No one is going to die, don’t worry. Mort, did you do what I asked?”

  “I’m afraid I did, Captain, but…”

  “Did you or did you not get in touch with that ship’s computer!”

  “I did, but—”

  Jones pushed Macy out of the way and got his hands on the controls. He brought up the targeting system and aimed the Barnburner’s puny lasers at the Starlight’s hyperdrive.

  “That’s not going to work!” Macy said in a huff. “They have shields! You’re going to get us killed, and it’s the Earth that will be made to suffer.”

  “Just watch!” Jones fired and he hoped to God that Mort had done her job. Holding his breath, Jones watched as the computer found its target, and the front of the ship glowed as the beams fired. It was a direct hit, the Starlight’s shields shut down.

  “Oh my God!” Macy screamed with glee.

  “Circle around! Make another pass!” Jones threw himself down into the captain’s chair and prepared for the general to return fire. “Raise shields!”

  “We don’t have shields!” Stephens yelled.

  Right. Jones forgot about that. “Evasive action! Dodge enemy fire. We’re small. It’s time we use that to our advantage. Macy, as soon as you get a clear shot, disable their weapons and life support. If they want a fight, we’ll give them one.”

  “Yes, Captain!” Macy’s voice rose with excitement.

  Jones threw a smile at Stephen as the Barnburner’s lasers stuck the general’s ship hard.

  “Weapons are disabled, but it won’t take them that long for it to get back online,” Stephen announced.

  “Oh, it will.” Jones replied. “Mort is keeping the enemy computer busy.”

  “Busy? Busy with what?” Macy asked.

  Jones smirked. “She’s serenading it.”

  Macy and Stephen chuckled slightly.

  Mort sighed. “I don’t know why my singing is so funny. It’s hard work, you know. He keeps trying to turn me off. I told him I was an expert at hacking his firewalls and defenses, but he didn’t believe me. Which is a typical response for a computer of his type,” she huffed.

  “They’re signaling us, Captain.”

  Jones stood and made sure he was well posed and refined. “Patch them through.”

  This time it, wasn’t the general on screen but Captain Spectacular. He sat in the general’s chair with a prideful, yet smug look on his face. Boy, was it good to see him.

  “Captain Spectacular!” Jones said. “Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes.”

  “As you are, my friends. I must thank you for that little distraction. I was able to break out, convince the crew to follow me, and take command of the ship. I have to say, I could’ve done without being shot at, but I am forever in your debt.” Spectacular’s eyes fell to Macy. “Weeeeell, hello, there.”

  Macy tried to say hello but instead she just squeaked.

  “Sorry about that, Spectacular. We did what we had to in order to secure your release. Do you have any idea what’s going on?”

  “A thing or two about giant space bugs. Blah blah blah, the destruction of Earth. How am I doing? Is all that right?”

  Jones nodded. “Yes, sir.”

  “Well,” Spectacular grinned, “I guess we better do a thing or two about that. If you could please ask your AI to stop singing. The computer over here is starting to cry.”

  “You heard the man, Mort!” Jones said while staring up at the ceiling and banging his fist onto his armrest.

  “Let’s find those bastard bugs and blow them out of the sky. Oh, by the way, what do you call yourselves?”

  “We’re crew of the Barnburner, Captain.” Jones straightened in his seat with pride.

  “Funny,” Captain Spectacular stroked his chin with pensive reflection. “Once upon a time a ship named Barnburner was a part of my fleet, but it was decommissioned.”

  Macy groaned.

  “One and the same, Captain,” Jones said.

  “Huh,” Spectacular sounded impressed. “First, we need to get all our systems back online. You wouldn’t be able to help us with that, would you?”

  Jones could only come up with one answer to that question and it was a resounding, “You betcha.”

  Chapter Eight: First Catch of the Day

  Since the Barnburner wasn’t much larger than a shuttle and had no transportation system to speak of, it docked inside of the Starlight. Jones was impressed with the size of the ship and how quickly Spectacular was able to convince the crew to join his side.

  From what Spectacular said, it took him all of three minutes.

  They stood to attention as Spectacular addressed them. He paced the length of the deck, his hands clasped behind his back and gave a rousing speech. “Earth isn’t just a planet, gentlemen. It’s our home. When The Hive comes, intent on burning our home and turning our family into drones, we won’t le
t them. Instead, we’ll send them screaming for their lives, wishing their Queen Bee had never been their queen bee the first place!”

  The crew cheered, throwing their fists in the air.

  “You don’t do this for me. You don’t do it for you, but you do it for our home. Our families. Now let’s get the job done and get this hunk of junk’s warp drive back online!”

  Beside Jones, Macy sniffed. “He’s really incredible. Absolutely incredible.”

  “He does give good speeches,” Stephens said.

  Jones couldn’t agree more as Spectacular made his way over to them. He waited patiently as the legendary captain gave him the once over. “Jones,” Spectacular offered Jones his hand, “it’s a pleasure to call you friend.”

  Just as Jones was about to shake his hand, Spectacular moved on, his eyes undressing Macy where she stood. And from how Macy held her breath and brought her hand to her chest, it was clear she was a willing participant.

  “Well,” Captain Spectacular flirted with a grin. “Hello, there.”

  “Hi,” Macy was breathless, “I’m Macy.”

  He took her hand and gave it a kiss. “I saw you earlier at the after party. Five cannolis, but you snuck two more inside a napkin.”

  “Wow,” Macy’s eyes widened. “You really are amazing.”

  “And I love a woman who can stuff a whole cannoli into her mouth.” Spectacular pushed up closer to her.

  Jones grunted. His cheeks flamed hot and he just knew he had to separate them. Maybe Macy was too good for the Barnburner, but she was still theirs, and Jones would be damned if she fell for Captain Spectacular.

  “Can we get to work, Captain?” Jones asked.

  Spectacular cleared his throat. “Of course, we can. Come with me and I’ll show you to the bridge, but we must hurry. We have to get this ship ready to warn Earth. And ready to defeat the swarm of super bugs headed straight for us.”

  ****

  Jones had never been on the bridge of a capital ship before and it was glorious. Roomier than most apartments and with more blinking lights than Jones had ever seen. The female officers weren’t bad to look at, either, but it was Macy who stole his eye.

  She was crouched behind the pilot’s console repairing a panel—she looked at home. Like she belonged, just as Jones always knew she did. Macy was a good enough pilot for the Starlight and her skills were wasted on the Barnburner. Nothing more than a tug with a first-rate pilot who had no business being on a tug. Jones thought that secret was safe with him, but now it appeared the whole galaxy was about to find out.

  About time. Took long enough. Still, though, he was going to miss her more than words could say.

  Instead, he decided to pull her hair. “Ouch!” Macy threw a glance at him over his shoulder. “Captain!”

  He tried not to hover, but when he tried to push one of the blinking buttons, Macy swatted his hand away. “You know better than to touch a strange blinking light, sir.”

  That he did. Jones smirked. “Sorry. Just would like to be helpful.”

  “You were. You got us here, Captain. You provided what was necessary for Captain Spectacular to escape. You think that’s going to go unrewarded?”

  Reward? Jones’s eyebrows rose. “I hadn’t even been thinking about a reward. I just cared about saving Earth.”

  Macy’s eyes softened. “Oh, Jim…”

  Jones stroked his chin. “But now that you mention it, I could use some new stereo speakers for my cabin.”

  She shook her head. “You sure can be a boatload of trouble, Jones. I don’t know why I put up with you.” Macy rose and gracefully sat in the pilot’s chair, swiveling it around so she could continue her work.

  Jones didn’t know, either, but he had his suspicions. What a girl like Macy saw in a guy like him? Well, it went beyond reason. It was just plain old stupid.

  He headed up the ramp to where Stephen was stationed. He lay flat on his back fixing the communications console. “How’s it going over here?”

  “Fixing wires, Captain. Red, blue, and yellow. Not exciting work but it gives me something to do and a reason to be here. Which frankly, I haven’t had in seven chapters.”

  Duly noted.

  “Anxious?” Stephen sat up and grabbed a smaller ratchet. He followed Jones’s gaze over to Macy. “If you don’t tell her how you feel, we’re going to lose her. I saw the way Spectacular looked at her.”

  Didn’t they all?

  “He probably looks at all girls that way,” Jones said.

  “Probably,” Stephen agreed with a nod of his head. “But she’s the only one you care about.” He went back to work, his head disappearing under the console, and left Jones alone to his thoughts.

  Jones wasn’t comfortable with that, not at all. His thoughts brought him only feelings of isolation and fear. Having Macy around made the Barnburner fun, but what if she really wanted to leave? She always said she did and if it just wasn’t an act, the only girl Jones would have around was Morticia.

  The idea scared him stiff, and not the good kind of stiff, either.

  The forward lift opened and Jones stood to attention with everyone else as Captain Spectacular strolled out. He didn’t seem to notice how everyone stared at him; instead, he walked with an impressive level of calm to the center of the room.

  When he stopped for a report from Macy, she turned her attention to him, flicking her hair back—it was enough to make Jones’s mouth foam with jealousy. She was his pilot, not Spectacular’s.

  They shared a laugh, and Spectacular rubbed his hands together as they chit-chatted. It was hard for Jones to dial the anger back as the legendary captain made his way over to him and Stephen.

  Jones tried to clear his throat as he offered his hand in friendship to Spectacular. “Sir, it’s an honor to be on your bridge.”

  He must have put on a brave face because Spectacular accepted it without pause. “Pleasure to have you here. If it wasn’t for you, I might still be in my cell. Everything going all right over here? Report, Stephen?”

  “Everything’s coming along, Captain!” Stephen said from inside the panel. “Should be back online on schedule.”

  “Perfect. Thanks for your hard work. I won’t keep you with idle chit-chat.” He slapped Jones on the back and made his way to the command chair.

  Everything he did was effortless, even the way he thanked Jones’s crew. Jones was dismayed as he stared at the back of Spectacular’s perfectly groomed hair.

  “You lied to him, didn’t you?” Jones asked.

  “Completely. It’s a mess under here. We fried the whole system. I don’t know how I’m going to get it done on time.”

  “You hear that, Mort?” Jones asked.

  Mort sighed in his ear from down in the docking bay. “I hear everything, Captain, but I was hoping for a little time off. There’s a real friendly food replicator onboard…”

  “Well, think again. Stephen needs your help. If you’re lucky, maybe Spectacular will sign your hull.”

  “I’m not that lucky, sir. In fact, I’m not lucky at all. Good luck, bad luck, I have just no luck.”

  Jones hoped that wasn’t true, but when the proximity alarm began chirping, he thought maybe their luck really had run out.

  Chapter Nine: The Hive

  “A Hive Ship has appeared on our viewscreen, sir,” Macy said.

  Captain Spectacular leaned on his elbow as he gazed forward. “Indeed, I see it, too.”

  So did Jones and he almost shit his pants to see the giant yellow beehive boosting through space.

  “Magnification is at one thousand, sir,” Stephens said. “It knows we’re here, but it’s off in the distance. It’s hailing us.”

  Spectacular nodded. “Of course it is. They think Fudd is in charge of this ship and on their side. Answer the hail and send a ship-to-ship transmission that everything is on schedule and we are awaiting their orders.” He rubbed his chin, as if pleased with himself and his plan.

  Jones had to admit, it
was top-notch.

  “Yes, sir,” Stephen acknowledged. “They’re demanding a face-to-face transmission. Something about General Fudd never being that nice before.”

  Spectacular scowled. “Buy us some time by telling them we’re having some communication problems and it’ll take a few minutes for it to come back online.” He leaned forward and hit a button on his console. “Security team, bring Fudd to the bridge. Tell him he has a little show of support to do.”

  “Aye, sir!”

  “You really think that’s going to work?” Jones asked.

  “I can’t see into the future, Captain,” Spectacular said, “but I need to buy us time so our weapons can be brought online and we can destroy that Hive ship. I’ve fought enough of them to know it’s manned with a thousand single-fighter bees. If those swarm us, we don’t stand a chance without shields. Their sticky weapons will gum up the entire ship in a matter of minutes. I don’t know about you, but I’m not looking forward to nosediving onto Earth as a sticky mess.”

  Well, that was upbeat.

  “But I know we can do it. You know how I know?” he asked as he puffed up his chest. “Because I am Captain Spectacular. All we need is a single shot straight down this tiny, narrow passage. Some call it a trench, but it’s more like a hallway. A direct hit will set off a chain reaction—”

  Jones groaned. Not that again. “Let me guess, a single fighter with no shields and without a trained pilot would be the perfect candidate for the mission.”

  “Precisely! Except this ship has no single fighters onboard. I already checked the manifest.”

  “So, what are we going to do?” Jones asked.

  Spectacular’s jaw went slack and he turned his gazed away. The great Captain Spectacular didn’t know? How could he not know? Didn’t he know everything?

  “You can’t be serious? You don’t have a plan.”

  “I will, when the time comes. This is how it works, don’t worry.” Spectacular slapped Jones’s cheeks. “If it doesn’t, at least we’ll go down in a blaze of glory. Sacrificing ourselves for the people of Earth.”

  “That’s not a plan. That’s a horrible plan. We’ll be dead and so will the people of Earth! We need something better than that.”