Pew! Pew! - Sex, Guns, Spaceships... Oh My!

by M. D. Cooper

  “Who is the captain here?”

  “I am!” Jones shouted. “My crew is onboard your ship—” The intercom went off, interrupting their little argument.

  “Sir, the admiral—he’s dead. He hung himself in his cell with his underwear.”

  Captain Spectacular’s eyebrows rose. “His underwear?”

  “The ultimate wedgie, sir.”

  “Damnit.” Spectacular punched the armrest of his captain’s chair.

  “The Hive ship is hailing us again,” Stephen swallowed hard as the color green crept into his cheeks. “This time with a time limit. They’ve started a countdown.”

  The forward screen showed a picture of a small, digital clock on a nightstand. There were just ten minutes left.

  “Their shields have come online,” Macy said anxiously, and Jones knew her well enough to know that soon, she’d panic. Up next, she could be storming out of the room or flinging shoes. One never really knew.

  Jones had to do something. He excused himself and headed over to the lift.

  “Mort, examine that little corridor…trench…whatever on the Hive ship. Can the Barnburner fit? Are you small enough to—”

  “Well unfortunately—”

  Damnit.

  “—I am. You’re not really going to make me do this, are you? I’ll die in there and I’ll take you along with me. Plus, I think I might be allergic to bees.”

  “But it means saving our crew and maybe saving Earth from ultimate destruction. How can we not try?”

  Morticia sniffled. “Say goodbye to my family for me.”

  “You don’t have family, Mort.”

  “Damn you, Jim Jones. Damn you.”

  ****

  Jones sat in the pilot’s chair on the Barnburner. He hit the right switches, lights, and gizmos to get it ready to take off. “Talk to the ship, Mort, and get her to open the docking bay doors. We have to get out of here before the bugs make their move on the Starlight.”

  “I’ll do my best.”

  “Mort,” Jones warned. “You do it. No excuses and no complaints.”

  “Yes, Captain. I understand,” Morticia said, but her voice sounded wounded.

  “We’ll get through this together, I promise you. I know sometimes I can be a little rough on you—”

  “Sometimes?”

  “—but I love you, girl.” Jones leaned forward and stroked the ship. “It’ll always be the two of us against the world. That’s a promise.”

  “And if we die trying to save the world?”

  “Then we die together and maybe we’ll take them with us.”

  Morticia sniffled. “My mascara would be running if I had a body. Okay, Captain. Docking bay is opening. Turns out the ship is happy to be rid of me. It figures.”

  “You did do a great job serenading it.”

  “I did, didn’t I?” Morticia’s voice had a smile in it. “Communication coming in from the Starlight.”

  Jones ignored that bit of information as he enabled thrusters, but Morticia put it through. “It’s Macy Grace.”

  Of course, it was. Jones knew that, that’s why he didn’t want to take it. “Not now, Macy. I’m trying to figure out how to steer this thing.”

  “Don’t you joke, Jim Jones! Don’t you joke at all. What the hell do you think you’re doing? Captain Spectacular orders you back immediately.”

  Jones ignored her and piloted the ship through the docking doors.

  “I order you back, Jim. I know what you’re trying to do. Just…don’t do this. We’ll find another way.”

  “There is no other way. You heard Spectacular. We’ll fit. Mort promises.”

  “Just barely,” Morticia reminded him.

  “We’ll get through. We’ll blow the Hive ship.”

  “And you? The Barnburner? I know how much you love that ship, Jim.”

  Jones sighed. Not as much as I love you, sweetheart. “Keep that capital ship at a distance, if any fighters get out, you’re going to need to pick them off. One by one.”

  “Jim,” Macy’s voice shook, “there’s something I’ve never told you. Something I’ve always wanted to say.”

  Here they went. The moment of truth. Jones steeled himself for her words of endearment. “I know what you’re going to say, Macy, and it’s the same for me. It’s—”

  “I used all the coffee creamer,” Macy’s voice warbled. “On a regular basis, I went out of my way to use the last of the coffee creamer.”

  Well, that wasn’t exactly what he thought she was going to say.

  “I knew it’d bug you. And—I…” Macy’s voice quavered.

  “Can we please not use the word bug?” Morticia asked.

  “Goodbye, sweetheart. Remember me fondly, remember me as an asshole, but just remember me.” He switched off communications and flew off into the black.

  Aimed straight at destiny.

  Chapter Ten: Red Alert

  Captain Jim Jones might’ve been set on a path of destiny, but Macy was set on a path of frustration. The Hive ship’s shields were raised and it was within firing distance. Meanwhile, Jones had turned off communication, and whenever Macy tried to hail him again, all she got was Mort.

  “He’s not here.”

  “I know he’s there, Morticia. Put me through to him.”

  “No.”

  Macy sighed. “Please, I know he’s told you not to answer my hails, but—”

  “I can’t hear you anymore. You’re breaking up.” And then, came the static noise that Macy could tell was really just Morticia’s voice. How stupid did Mort think she was? On second thought, Macy didn’t really want an answer to that question. But seriously, Morticia was an AI, couldn’t she find a recording of static?

  Her panel lit up. “Captain Spectacular, the shuttle doors on the Hive ship are opening. The fighters are disgorging!”

  The captain stroked his broad, contoured jawline. “Why would they do that when they could just blast us?”

  “Do you really want an answer to that question, sir?” Macy said, her voice starting to squeak.

  “It just doesn’t make any sense…” Spectacular shook his head. “Evasive action. Get those lasers ready!”

  “What kind of evasive action would you like me to take?” Macy asked.

  “I don’t know, something…evasive-y.” Spectacular spun his chair around as the engine room hailed the bridge. “Go for Spectacular. I hope it’s good news, Jimmy.”

  “Aye, Captain! I have diverted power straight from the amethyst crystals to the shields. It’ll hold, but I can’t say for how long because I got my engineering degree from an online video course series I saw on social media, though it’s got me this far already, so it couldn’t be all bad.”

  “Good work, Jimmy!” Spectacular bounced his fist on his armrest. “What, exactly, do the amethyst crystals do?”

  “I have no bleeping idea, sir! Now, be so kind as to raise the shields!”

  “Shields up!” Captain Spectacular said to pretty much everyone and no one at the same time.

  Macy caressed her console. “Shields up, sir!”

  The bees were in attack formation, like a massive series of bowling pins. If Spectacular missed his guess, a few well-placed strikes would get him the spare they needed. “We have to buy Jones and the Barnburner some time.”

  “Sir, they’re activating their stingers! If we get stung more than ten times—”

  “I know,” Captain Spectacular said calmly. “Don’t quote battle specifications to me, mister. I wrote this stuff on the stars. Macy, target the lead fighter and fire. Put some spin on it.”

  “Yes, sir!” Macy sure hoped that worked. If she could stop those fighters and save the ship, she might finally have a real future in the Space Force. But what of Jones? If he survived, could she really walk away from him? No matter how good Captain Spectacular smelled, she wasn’t really sure.

  First things first, survival. If she could help destroy the Hive ship, she might save Earth, and that would mea
n Macy Grace was on her way to becoming a hero.

  Chapter Eleven: Damn Big Hero

  Jones was no man’s hero. Far from it. As he pushed the thrusters as hard as he could, the Hive mothership grew larger and larger on the viewscreen.

  To make matters worse, the Hive ship had released hundreds of drone fighters. It was like being caught up in a storm of bees ready to attack and protect the queen—which was probably exactly what they were doing.

  Jones couldn’t turn back. He gritted his jaw and asked Morticia for a status report.

  “We haven’t been picked up by the Hive ship yet, but I’m afraid it’s only a matter of time,” Morticia sighed.

  “Any idea why that is?”

  “I’m guessing it’s because we’re a small, barely registered ship. In other words, because I’m me. If they bothered to check my serial number, they’d even see that I was marked to be decommissioned five years ago.”

  “I don’t think the bugs have access to that kind of information, no offense.”

  Morticia snorted. “Oh, I’m offended just having to share the same breathing air with you. I don’t even need to breathe.” She paused. “Hey, Captain?”

  “Yeah, Mort?”

  “You’re going to want to raise the shields.”

  “Mort, we don’t have shields.”

  “We do now,” Morticia said happily for a change.

  “How? When?”

  “The story demanded it, Captain.”

  Damn it, yes! Just what they needed to get out of this. A little bit of luck! It didn’t take Jones long to see why. The mothership might not have noticed them, but the single fighters had, and they were forming a protective barrier straight in front of them. Jones wasn’t the best shot in the galaxy, so he pushed the engines hard. “Bring life support down to minimum safe levels and divert power to the shields. I’m breaking through these sons-of-bitches and we’re getting into that ship, sticky honey, or no sticky honey!”

  “Whatever you say, Captain.”

  As the Barnburner burst through the fighters, the outer hull pulsed green, pushing shields to the absolute max. Bursts of honey pelts came flying out from the bees and splattered against the shield. Jones shouted in triumph as the Barnburner shot out the other side of the shield, spinning bee fighters in its wake, and boosted toward the Hive ship.

  Next step, deflower the Queen Bee.

  “Plot a course to the trench and let’s get this done!”

  “Yes, Captain, though it really looks more like a slot,” Morticia said.

  A moment later, Jones panel had everything it needed to get the job done. he let out a labored sigh. They really were going to do it. Really were going to get it done.

  The Barnburner dove into the trench. It swayed side-to-side as much as possible to avoid the long, crystalline lances shot from the defensive cannons. When a lance struck the outer hull, the ship glowed a yellow honey color. Too many direct hits and Jones might not make it to the target at all.

  “Zigged where we should’ve zagged. Mort, hold this bucket of bolts together a little bit longer!”

  “We’re more than a bucket of bolts, Captain! We have feelings!”

  Jones rolled his eyes and gripped the navigation panel. They were coming up on the entry port. Then he’d have to make the most daring bit of flying he had ever done.

  This was it. This was going to be their moment of triumph. Jones would never forget this day, if he lived long enough to see it through.

  “Hang on, Mort!”

  “Captain, about the food replicator. The kale…”

  Now wasn’t the time. “I know, Mort. You think I don’t know when my own AI is messing with me just to drive me crazy?”

  Morticia’s voice strained with grief. “I’m sorry, Captain. I promise, if we survive, I’ll make you as many hotdogs and twinkies as you want. I was just worried about your blood pressure. And…”

  Her apology was drowned out. Jones fired his nucleon torpedoes—also a new addition to the ship’s arsenal—straight into the port, like shooting fish in a barrel. He didn’t wait to see if his torpedoes had hit. He just drove straight through, hoping he’d reach the other side, right into the cool darkness of space.

  “Direct hit, Captain! The Hive ship’s reactor is going critical. The bugs are starting to swarm. If we make it out alive, they’ll be on us.”

  “Then let’s make sure they get caught up in a fireball so hot it burns their wings straight off.”

  Jones pushed the Barnburner’s engines as far as they would go. As hot as they would go. He just prayed it would be enough.

  Chapter Twelve: The Long Good-bye

  Macy didn’t see Jones fly the Barnburner into the alien mothership, but she felt it. Or, it was the cannolis making their presence known. One way or another, she knew it. Her navigation panel agreed with her gut feeling. “Captain, something is going on with that mothership. Readings are off the chart.”

  Captain Spectacular put his hand on her shoulder as he leaned over to read her console. His touch set Macy’s skin trembling, and she couldn’t think of anything other than how wonderful he smelled. Like being in the woods on a perfect fall day. “That ship is going critical. It’s going to explode. Take us as far away as possible, Macy, but close enough to burn up those bugs.”

  “But Captain, the Barnburner. What if—”

  “There’s nothing we can do for them now,” Captain Spectacular threw himself into the captain’s chair and braced himself. “He knew the risks. He knew the odds and he still did it because he wanted to save us and all of Earth. That’s a real hero. A great hero, Macy.”

  It was. God, it was. Who knew that Jim Jones had it in him? Macy never would’ve guessed it, but as she gave her affirmative response to the order. She gazed over at Stephen and he gave her a nod.

  “Aye, Captain.” Macy plotted a course.

  It’s what Jones would’ve wanted. He would’ve wanted to save his crew. And if he was going to go down in a blaze of glory, at least he’d be with his beloved tug.

  “Warp two. Warp three, Captain!” Macy said but it wasn’t going to be enough. The Hive ship reached critical mass and exploded. The explosion caught the Starlight and sent it skipping like a rock across a pond. Fire and lights lit up the viewscreen so bright, Macy squeezed her eyes shut.

  The red alert sounded fast and furious, much more ominous than the Barnburner’s soft beep. “Outer hull temperatures reaching melting point, Captain. The shields are barely holding together.”

  “It’ll hold,” Captain Spectacular said without a hint of anxiety or worry. “Correct our trajectory before we head straight into a death spiral.”

  “Yes, Captain.” Macy fought against her own racing fear and worry to do her job, and she did. She leveled off the Starlight until they coasted like a spaceship on a dinner cruise. She couldn’t believe it, but as she eased up on the controls, it was obvious the Starlight was okay.

  As they stared at the debris that was once the Hive ship, it was also obvious the Barnburner was nowhere to be seen.

  Oh no. Macy got a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. Not Jim Jones. Not the Barnburner. She glanced at Stephen’s heartbroken face and was filled soul-aching regret. For everything she had always said and done… Macy was always embarrassed about her assignment on that tug ship. Now, she wished only to see it one more time.

  “Sir, we’re being hailed,” Stephen held his earpiece tight as his eyes widened. “It’s the Barnburner!”

  Macy nearly leapt out of her seat. How was that possible? She saw something coming across the viewscreen from a great distance. It was tiny, covered in honey, and looked like it had lost a gunfight at the O.K. Corral. There was no doubt in her mind who it was and what they had done.

  “Patch them through.” Captain Spectacular stood with a smile on his face. As Jim Jones appeared on the viewing screen, Spectacular grinned wide and saluted him. “You had us extremely worried, Captain, but may I be the first to congratulate you on a
job well done.”

  “Thank you, sir.” Jones chuckled as his eyes fell on Macy. “Permission to dock and come aboard?”

  “Permission granted,” Captain Spectacular nodded. “Open the docking bay doors. Macy, would you like to—”

  Macy didn’t need to finish hearing the question. She was already halfway to the lift. Nothing was going to stop her from welcoming Jim Jones back aboard. He was a real hero.

  ****

  Barely anything worked on the Barnburner anymore. Jones had to pry every door open with his hands. “I promise we’ll get you fixed right up.”

  “As if I haven’t heard that before. You’ll just forget about me. Like you always do,” Morticia said.

  Jones was about to tell her that she was wrong when he stepped out onto the docking bay and saw Macy running toward him. The sight of her made him forget all about Morticia and her problems. The way her breasts bounced in the catsuit she swore was a regulation flight suit, oh baby…but it was the look in her eye that captivated him the most.

  Could that look really be for him?

  “Macy—” Jones started but when she jumped into his arms, Jones forgot what he was going to say. Instead, he just held her. Her hair was soft as silk and…was that the smell of cannolis?

  Damn, he loved a woman who could eat a good pile of cannolis.

  Macy kissed him. She held his face and just kissed him. Breathless, their lips parted and she leaned her forehead against his. “I was so scared I was going to lose you forever.”

  “I’m right here, Macy. You haven’t lost me.”

  “Promise?” she asked.

  Jones grinned as he saw Captain Spectacular entering the docking bay. “Promise.” He stood to attention and saluted Captain Spectacular, but his other hand…well, Macy didn’t let go. And Jones hoped she never would.

  Epilogue: Buffet Dinners and a Promise

  A heroes’ welcome greeted them back on Earth. And, for the first time in forever, the Barnburner arrived on time to celebrate. Jim Jones, Macy Gray, and that red-shirted guy, Stephen, stood on the platform beside Captain Spectacular and waved to the crowd. People chanted their names, and when it came time to get their medals for sacrifice and bravery, Jones thought he might be dreaming.