Voyeur

by Christine Alvarez

  Declan’s eyes were shut and I could see every stress wrinkle, as well as the dark bags he carried under his eyes as of late. He was older than me, not by much though, and now staring at him in this moment, he looked at least eight years older than me. I didn’t know if it was work or the home life that had caused it and I wasn’t sure I wanted to know.

  “I have no clue what you are babbling about,” I lied, not wanting to admit he was partially right.

  “Don’t give me that bullshit. He has buried himself further in his work and you,” he said, waving his hand up and down in my direction, “have been working as though your life depended on it, which we all know is not you,” snorting at the last part.

  “He’s a fool.” That was all I could say as Declan reminded me of why I had decided to walk away. Thinking about Rod and our last conversation was something I generally liked to avoid and being suddenly thrust back to those moments had me on the defense.

  “So you are signing over the majority of our family’s livelihood to a fool.” The way he put it made this decision sound really bad.

  I really didn’t think Rod a fool. I was the fool. I was the broken piece of shit that had run away like a chicken the moment things got hard.

  “No, that’s not what I meant,” I said, leaning back in my chair.

  “What exactly did you mean then?” His curiosity was slicing at his normally arrogant tone.

  My chair slammed back down on the floor, jarring me from my thoughts of Rod.

  “It doesn’t matter,” I said, averting his thoughtful eyes. I glanced at the date that showed brightly just below the time. One week from now. In order to make this transfer legally binding, we had to have our lawyers, as well as a notary, to witness us signing on the dotted lines.

  I could still feel his penetrating gaze. He was working through something. When I looked back at him, I just barely caught him opening and closing his mouth, trying to form the right words to fit whatever he wanted to say.

  “Just spit it out,” I barked, growing more nervous the closer it came to time to do this. It had been two weeks since I had spoken to Rod, the last time being when I told him that I was leaving.

  “You love him,” he finally spilled what he had been trying to say. The words physically jolted me back in my chair. I held onto the arm rests, digging my fingers into the leather. My heart plummeted to my toes and I couldn’t breathe. What the hell did he just say to me?

  “And you can’t fucking handle it so you are doing what you do best - fucking it up before it even had a chance,” he added, each word feeling like a sharper, wider blade. By the end of the sentence, my chest felt like it would implode.

  “What?” The single word came out in a whoosh of air.

  He watched me, a smug smile lifting the corner of his mouth. He was proud of himself for knowing something that I didn’t even know to be true. It had always amused him to no end when he was able to tell me something that he shouldn’t know.

  “You don’t think anyone sees the way you look at him? The way he looks at you?”

  I wanted this conversation to end, panic was rising up and threatening to consume the part of my mind that was on a mission to let Rod and this company go. They both had played a large part, but I also needed to get away from my mother and Jon.

  Declan, on the other hand, sat back, his arms folded behind his head as he watched me. I kept my face blank even as I felt sick. Did I love him? Had it always been that obvious?

  “I think it may be time to make an eye appointment,” I tried to smooth all of the anxiety out of my voice. I had already had this conversation with the only person that mattered. Having it again with my brother, the one who had acted as though my interest in men didn’t exist, was not on my agenda for the day.

  He laughed as he leaned forward, placing the palms of his hands on the desk.

  “I don’t think so.” He stared at me and I leaned forward, staring him down as well. “You don’t think I have been looked at the way Rod looks at you? You don’t think I have wanted to give Marianna whatever I could when I have fucked up beyond repair?” he said, low and full of such passion.

  He pushed himself up and turned away from me. I thought I saw shame pass over his features just before he broke eye contact. He turned back around, rubbing his hand over his mouth.

  “Don’t compare your marriage to anything that I am doing now,” I spat. I remembered how he used to treat Mariana. I remembered the night that he was almost arrested for domestic violence. If it hadn’t been for my father and his connections, he would have wound up behind bars.

  After that, Declan had gone into recovery, bought his wife a house and turned into father and husband of the year.

  “Fine. But whatever is going on between you won’t be fixed if you run,” he said in concession. I would fight him tooth and nail if he ever tried to draw parallels between himself and me.

  “Why do you even care?” I asked. I wasn’t going to admit that he may be right. I wasn’t ready to admit anything that I wasn’t sure of.

  “I don’t know, honestly. The last few weeks you have become the man that everyone didn’t think you could be. You have been on top of everything. I was proud of you at first, honestly glad that whatever Emily said to you had some sort of impact.” He was slow in his response, trying to pick out exactly what he wanted to say.

  “Until,” he paused, his eyes darting back and forth as though he was searching for the best way to say whatever needed to come next. “Until I saw how unhappy you were, even more so than before. I no longer saw the fire that made you a great businessman. Then there was Rod. He lost a merger that was basically being handed to him. His head was in the game but his mind was somewhere else. The way he watched you changed. The longing that had been there had changed.”

  I eyed the phone, praying that my secretary would buzz in with some important call I needed to take. When nothing came, I thumbed through the latest acquisition, hoping that there was something in it that needed my attention.

  “That is exactly why I am doing this and going back to the life that I should be living,” I responded. “Rod can do what he has always wanted and be free to find someone that is capable of giving him what I can’t. I don’t want to destroy him,” I said, no longer able to put on an act. I was just as tired as Declan looked.

  “You don’t have to.” The nonchalance in his voice made it sound so simple. My life had never been simple.

  “I am too much like our father,” I said, shaking my head to dismiss what he had just said.

  “Are you fucking kidding me?” he scoffed. “Don’t you think we all are a little too much like our father and yet we have chosen to live our own life?” Anger slipped into his tone. The great Declan Steele couldn’t hold everything in.

  “Maybe some more than others,” I groaned, rubbing at my temples.

  He jabbed the paperwork that would give Rod all of my shares and make him the majority shareholder. “You are the least like Declan Sr. than any of us,” his anger was ripping through each word, turning them into dangerous weapons.

  Without another word, he left me staring where his finger had just been.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  “You have got to be fucking kidding me,” I said to the empty office.

  Coming back from lunch, I was met with a legal request from Jon. He and his lawyer had requested a public apology or they would pursue alternative routes in stripping me of my shares. It hadn’t been put in such blatant terms, but I knew what he was planning.

  I had worked to keep what I had planned close, Declan, Emily and Rod being the only ones who knew that I wasn’t planning on fighting to keep this company and I sure as hell wouldn’t hand it over to Jon, a fight or not.

  “Oh, you will get an apology,” I said, crumbling the pages up into a ball and tossing it in the trash.

  We had a board meeting in less than an hour. Everyone there was aware or witness to the punch that had started this all.

  I had
been trying to keep my head clear and completely on work. Rod and Jon would be there. Jon I could have ignored, but Rod had jammed himself in the forefront of my mind so heavy that it took way more effort than I liked to think about anything else.

  **********************

  I got to the board room early. Sitting in the empty space, I stared out the large windows that made up one wall. The sky was clear, not a cloud in sight. We were too far from the sea, yet close enough to see the seagulls cruising through the city’s skyline, weaving in and out of the sky scrapers.

  As everyone filed in, all eyes were on me. Most of them were looks of surprise mixed with disgust. I didn’t give a shit what they thought of me. Soon, they wouldn’t matter to me. I gave them all a two finger salute and went back to my outdoor observations, even as my heart felt like it would implode at any moment.

  I glanced at my watch as Emily was next through the door with Declan, her resting bitch face in place. She didn’t even look in my direction before taking her seat. I wanted to feel sad or angry at myself for instilling that emotion in her, but I didn’t.

  Declan glanced in my direction, but other than that he didn’t say a word. After our conversation and pretty much outing both Rod and me, we hadn’t been on speaking terms. That was how it always ended with me and my family. We would go long stretches without having any sort of meaningful conversation and then when that finally happened, it never went well.

  I readjusted papers and made sure my computer was set up as the top of the hour came and went. Jon and Rod were no shows. I couldn’t start this meeting without them in attendance. I waved Ashlynn over.

  “Can you hunt down the two that are missing,” I whispered in her ear just as the door swung open.

  Both Jon and Rod filed in, deep in conversation, as though they weren’t walking into a meeting late.

  “Isn’t it nice for you to finally join us?” I sneered, leaning my chair back on two wheels.

  I had aimed my words at both of them even as I stared at Rod. Seeing them together was enough to cause my blood pressure to skyrocket.

  “Hope we didn’t miss anything,” Jon said as they both took their seats.

  Rod stiffened but didn’t make eye contact. He was just as affected as I was. They both sat as I took deep breaths. I couldn’t let Jon cause me to overreact again.

  After a few minutes of letting my nerves settle, I stood. I had originally planned to make the announcement near the end of the meeting, but now was better than ever.

  “Okay, before we begin I’d like to address a request made by Jon and his lawyers,” I turned my attention completely on Jon. The look of surprise that crossed his face was almost enough to cause me to actually apologize. He hadn’t truly expected me to apologize.

  “He asked that I make a public apology regarding my overreaction to something that was said at the announcement dinner,” I spoke every word directly to him. I cataloged every reaction, all the way down to the pencil he tapped against the table.

  “Well, Jon,” I paused, deciding the best route to go. “I’m sorry that I only got one shot in on you,” I said, giving him a middle finger salute.

  I savored watching his clenched knuckles turn white as he ground his teeth, fighting against an outburst that I really wished would come. I had to give him some credit, stupid he was not.

  I turned to walk out but not before glancing at Rod, and I couldn’t help but smile. He was watching Jon, too, a look of pure amusement lighting up his face.

  “Enjoy it while you can,” Jon ground out as I reached the doorway.

  “Oh, I am. Meeting adjourned,” I called back as the door shut behind me.

  This time, no one chased me down. Nobody questioned what exactly happened in there. They let me go, and it made it a whole lot easier to keep walking.

  **********************

  I stopped at the QuikMart and grabbed a six pack before heading home. I had tried to call my mother a few times, deciding to finally tell her what I had planned. She deserved to know, even though she seemed to have chosen her douchebag of a boyfriend over her own son, but she didn’t answer. I thought about leaving a message, but I couldn’t find the words. I didn’t even have a plan as to what exactly I would have said if she did answer.

  The night was unusually cool and sitting out on the balcony sounded great after the day I had. I undid the tie that I had been sporting and kicked off the loafers that were killing my feet. I ignored the blinking light on the answering machine. If it was important, whoever had left the message could call my cell. I wasn’t even sure why I had a home phone.

  After putting all but one of the beers in the fridge, I padded out onto the patio and slumped down into the chair. From this height, the wind was a bit crisper. The breeze bit at the tension that thrummed through my nerves.

  I had made it a point to be done with the man across the parking lot but I found my attention wandering in that direction. Using the metal railing, I popped the top off of the chilled bottle and took a swig. The blinds were open as usual, but nobody was home.

  I glanced at my watch, knowing that he should be there, working out and providing me with a nightly show. Every room was dark, a nightlight in the kitchen the only thing illuminating the apartment. I sighed. Just as I suspected, things had changed.

  “You and me both,” I said into the night sky. Lifting the bottle, I cheered the next gust of wind before downing the rest of the bitter liquid.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  “Coffee,” I announced, coming off the elevator with a drink carrier in hand.

  I sat a cup on Ashlynn’s desk and she took it without question, though she did give me an odd look. I wasn’t exactly known for my kindness within the company, and I wasn’t sure why I had made the effort myself. It wouldn’t be much longer and I would be as far away from this company as I could get.

  I sat another cup on Danielle’s desk. She paused in whatever she had been doing on her computer to glare at me before pushing away the hot cup.

  “Thank you, but no,” she said, way too cheery for such a dismissal. She sounded as friendly as she ever did, but the look in her eyes promised murder.

  She was still pissed about whatever I interrupted the other day. I knew she had a thing for Rod, and maybe her intentions for that meeting were exactly what I had built it up to be. The audacity in her blatant irritation was rather inspired, which helped me let her down hard.

  “Uh-hum,” she said just as I began to head toward my office.

  I looked back at Danielle. She sat patiently holding the cup midair, waiting. I laughed way too hard at her irritated face.

  “I’m sorry¸ Danielle,” I said, taking the cup from her.

  My apology wasn’t just for the unwanted coffee, or for the scene I made the other day. It was for the fact that Rod would never want her, no matter how much I needed him to want her instead.

  She nodded once before going back to work. I didn’t know if she read as far into my apology as I had hoped, but all I could do was take her nod however I needed to take it. The way she threw herself right back into work reminded me a lot of Rod. They would have made a great couple.

  “Mr. Steele,” Ashlynn said, turning my attention to her. “An envelope is waiting in your office for you,” she finished.

  “Thanks,” I said just as I shut the door behind me.

  I knew what envelope would be waiting for me, I just thought it was odd that she had to warn me that it was already here. As soon as I faced the empty office, my eyes landed on the manila envelope. I took a deep breath in and let it out. It was long and drawn out. I hated those pages that sat within. They were the end of something I hadn’t wanted, so why did I hate them?

  I stood there for a moment before stomping over to the desk. I ran my hand over the envelope before I grabbed it and headed back out. I couldn’t do this today. I couldn’t sit at my desk reading over the paperwork that would end everything.

  I knew it was the right thing to do. Giving Rod thi
s company so Jon couldn’t have it was what needed to happen. Going back to riding the waves and fucking my life away was the only thing I was able to do and not fuck up. Both girls jumped when I shot back through the door and without a word, I made my way to the parking lot.

  I had brought my father’s car. The logistics behind multiple cups of coffee on a bike wasn’t exactly feasible. I tossed the envelope into the passenger’s seat, glaring at it for a moment before throwing my body into the driver’s seat and tearing out of the reserved parking spot. The beach was calling my name. Coming in early and trying to be nice had been a useless move. Too little, too late.

  I drove, wishing I could have brought my board. Losing myself would be much easier if I had brought it along. I hated navigating the streets on my bike and trying to do it in a car was virtually impossible, especially while trying to work through morning rush hour. My anxiety was rising by the minute. Luckily, heading out of the city wasn’t as busy as going toward downtown.

  It took me longer than I wanted to get out of the cramped interior of the city. I cranked up the radio, listening to the channels that my father had programmed in. I never drove this damn thing enough to change it. One of the rare things that we didn’t share was our taste in music. I had no clue who the last dozen songs were by and I really didn’t care.

  When I was finally rid of any reminisce of the city and it sat active and vibrant at my back, I rolled down the windows and took a deep breath. I pressed down on the gas, speeding along the straight path that would lead me to freedom. The cold slapping at my skin, I was finally able to feel more like that seagull. Free.

  A familiar blinking sign had me slowing down. It was easy as I was no longer on a freeway. A shady hobble of a building about a mile away should have been just a fly by business, but what lay inside was just as tempting as the ocean. This particular location was somewhere I never had wanted to find myself at again. Being here reminded me of my more reckless days.