Voyeur

by Christine Alvarez

  “Then,” she coaxed.

  “It had been Rod’s idea to prove that Jon wasn’t sincere,” I started, looking toward the door. I couldn’t look at her if what I had to say didn’t quell her curiosity and I had to spill more than I was ready to spill. “He made the mistake in asking Danielle for help. She had a crush on him and was overzealous in showing it.”

  “Now that I do believe,” she said, nudging me with her shoulder. “You could see it every time he wasn’t looking.”

  I looked back at her, a warm smile taking over everything I never wished for her. It had been a long time since I had seen it.

  “Good,” I said, bumping her back.

  “The one thing I don’t understand is why she gave them to you,” she pondered out loud.

  “That is a conversation for another day.” I couldn’t come up with another lie and I didn’t have the energy to talk to her about the drama between Rod and me.

  She eyed me curiously for a moment.

  “Okay, but you will tell me, and soon,” she commanded with an air of who she was before Jon etched into her tone.

  “I promise,” I agreed. She would need to know why I was walking away from the company that my father had left me. She would demand to understand why I was running.

  “Good,” she said, enveloping me in her arms. She was shaking. I hadn’t noticed it before but the tremors were so fine, the naked eye wouldn’t have picked it up.

  “Hey, Mother,” I said as we broke apart. “Where’s Declan?” I asked, remembering that I had seen his car parked out front, but I hadn’t seen him in the house.

  “Where do you think he is?” she answered. “You aren’t the only one with a short temper.”

  The bloody lip and broken tooth had been from Declan.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  “I haven’t been here in years,” I said, ducking to clear the low opening of the cave that we had converted into our clubhouse growing up.

  “Neither have I,” Declan replied.

  “I almost forgot it was here until Mother reminded me,” I said, plopping down next to my brother.

  “Leave it to her to know about our super-secret clubhouse,” he laughed.

  “She had a spy in her employment,” I said, looking out toward the ocean.

  “Emily, that rat,” Declan said through mock anger.

  Our laughter echoed through the cave, reminding me of our childhood. It was nice. I didn’t want it to end, but this day had been chock full of surprises that had changed so much that going back to a simpler time was a god send.

  “So why are we here, Declan?” I asked, ending the brief simplicity.

  “I lost it,” he answered, rubbing his red and swollen knuckles. “I hit him.”

  “He deserved it,” I said, picking up a smooth stone and chucking it into the ocean.

  The entrance to the cave was so close to the water’s edge that during high tide, we couldn’t even find this place.

  “Oh, he deserved a lot more,” Declan amended, his voice swollen with conviction. “But the look in his eyes when he lay on the floor, babying his broken tooth…”

  “You saw it, too,” I said, remembering the way he practically got off on being assaulted yet again.

  “Please tell me you did not run in there ready to finish what you had started,” he groaned.

  “Oh hell yes, I did, but I knew his game. I had seen it the first time I punched him in the face. He would use everything he could muster to pull this company out from under me.” I flexed my own hand, remembering how I was seconds away from finishing what Declan had started.

  I scanned the small cave. I remembered it being much larger than it felt now. The bench we had made out of beach wood still sat at the far end, as well as our treasure box. I stood as much as I could, needing to hunch over more than I had when I was ten, and made my way over to the box.

  “What if I hadn’t stopped?” he asked as I ran my hand over the top of the tin box.

  “But you did,” I said, looking back at him. “No matter how much you beat yourself up about the things you’ve done in your past, it won’t change who you are today.”

  “Oh God, how shit has changed. Jackson Steele is now able to give me advice on life,” he chuckled.

  Declan stood, brushing the sand off his jeans before waddling over in my direction.

  “Scary, huh?” I chided as I picked up the tin.

  The metal box was rusted and beat up with wear and time. I tried to pry the lid off, but the salty corrosion made it far from easy.

  “Here, give me that,” Declan said, jerking it from my hands without waiting for me to hand it over on my own. Typical Declan, whether he liked it or not.

  With a loud screeching pop, he tore the lid from the tin. He threw me a shit eating grin as we both peered inside.

  “Show off,” I muttered, pulling out the first of our “treasures”.

  “Nope, just stronger,” he said through whoops of laughter.

  I shot him a look that was a nonverbal challenge as I held up a comic book.

  “God, we were such dorks,” I said, flipping through an almost completely faded copy of Superman.

  “We were kids,” he corrected, taking out a bag of jacks.

  “We spent hours here,” I said, remembering how we would sit and play jacks to the sound of the ocean.

  “Why did you get pictures, too?” he asked, jerking me from the thoughts of the past.

  “Because the sender was an idiot,” I answered, sidestepping the real answer.

  “Mom didn’t get all the photos, did she?” he asked, clearly ready to pry away.

  I had been the one to come out here to comfort him. To haul his self-loathing ass back into the house, and now I was stuck being grilled for my place in all of this.

  “What would make you think that?” I said, dropping the bag back in the tin, the sound amplifying loudly against the rock wall.

  “Whoever sent those photos wouldn’t have any reason to send them to you,” he said, coming to the same conclusion as my mother.

  “Danielle,” I uttered.

  “Rod’s secretary?” He was as shocked as I had been. “What does she have to do with anything?” he asked as he lifted a water-ruined deck of cards out.

  “Apparently Rod had enlisted her in his little scheme and it backfired on him two-fold,” I had tried to keep those pictures of Jon and him out of my mind, but bringing them up again accomplished the opposite.

  “She sent you pictures of Rod with a…” he trailed off, trying to find the right words. “But why?” he chose to ask instead.

  “Apparently she thought she was helping our mother as well as me,” I said, putting the lid back on the tin. “At least that is how she came across before Rod fired her,” I finished, leaning against the bench.

  “Wait, you have already dealt with her and these photos?” he asked, eyes wide with his growing interest.

  “It has been a long damn day.” I sighed, thrumming the top of the lid.

  “What did Rod have to say for himself?”

  “Nothing really. Danielle said that it was all just well-timed snaps of a camera. She wanted me to get jealous because she thought that if I got jealous, it would only prove that Rod and I should be together.” It sounded so ridiculous, even hearing myself say it.

  “What the fuck?” He sounded just as baffled as I had been.

  “Exactly,” I said, sitting the box back down. “You should show your kids this place,” I said, switching the subject.

  “I get it, you don’t want to talk about Rod anymore,” he said, taking the hint.

  “No, not really,” I said, taking a deep breath of sea salted air.

  “Maybe I will. Ready to get out of here?” Declan asked, already starting to head toward the mouth of the cave.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  After leaving my mother and siblings to deal with Jon’s shit, I decided home was where I needed to be. I called Ashlynn to have her cancel any remaining meetin
gs and have her reschedule the ones I had for tomorrow. I called down to security to check the footage for Jon. He hadn’t gone back to Steele Corporations. My guess, he ran straight to the E.R. to get his assault documented.

  My mother planned to publically call off the wedding and kick Jon to the curb, so he had to use his only other option to take me down and now, my family as well. It was a flimsy case at best and getting the other shareholders to vote me out of my position as CEO wouldn’t be so easy, unless we kept giving him ammunition.

  These photos wouldn’t stand against him. They were able to stop him and my mother from getting married, but they wouldn’t hold up in court. The ones of Jon and his plaything had been illegally obtained. The contract that every member of the club signed strictly forbade photographs.

  Another thing I was sure of, Jon for sure had run to the club blasting my name and intentions. I knew the owner and he would fiercely defend any of those photos being used for any legal action against one of his members. Who knew, he was probably crying lawsuit to them as well just as a backup for his already-in-play backup plan.

  I turned the key, letting myself into my empty apartment. I had barely shut the door before I was kicking off my shoes and sliding out of my worn leather jacket. I headed straight for the fridge. I needed a beer. The top had just been popped when there was a soft knock at the door.

  “Come in,” I yelled without moving from my spot in the kitchen. I watched the fan whirl over my living room set. Listened to the soft tick of the clock on the wall. I tried everything I could to stifle the irritation and anxiety that rose from the unannounced visit.

  I knew who it was. There was only one person that was let up without pre-authorization. It took a minute or more before Rod came through, the smell of Chow Mein following him in.

  “I said we could order Chinese food and have a beer at your place,” I reminded him, emphasizing the fact I had said his place. I tipped back the bottle, draining the nearly-half that remained.

  I tossed it in the nearby trash can before I turned to the fridge to grab another one. I was so tired from everything that had gone on today that I didn’t think I had the energy or fight left in me that I needed to deal with the shit between us tonight.

  “That won’t work. It gives you an easy out. You can decide to leave whenever shit gets too real,” he said, setting the bag down on the counter.

  “How did you even know I’d be here?” I asked, eyeing the paper bag.

  The food smelled amazing and I hadn’t really sat down and ate a real meal since breakfast. My stomach growled loudly in agreement.

  “I didn’t,” he said, shrugging away my question.

  Rod looked amazing and beyond the smells of the greasy Chinese food, I could pick out the distinct sent of the cologne that I had got him last Christmas. He had hated the scent even though I loved it, which made me want to buy it for him that much more. I loved to get under his skin.

  He hadn’t dressed up by any means. We were beyond that, no matter where our personal life had led us. He wore loose-fitting dark denim jeans and a plain navy blue t-shirt, and was currently sporting a five o’clock shadow. It was unusual because the man was metrosexual to the core. I couldn’t remember the last time I had seen him let his facial hair go unmanaged.

  “Don’t think I won’t bail on you in my own house,” I warned, handing Rod a beer.

  “I wouldn’t put it past you if you did.” He had come here trying to fix this, but yet here we were, both visibly on edge.

  We stood on either side of the counter from each other. A world of hurt, confusion and blatant appraisal amounted to almost palpable tension between us. The tension that had formed between us made the simple moments that had flowed so easily before barely tolerable. This had been one of the reasons why I never wanted to take the step.

  “Let’s eat,” I said, unable to handle the awkwardness any longer.

  I hadn’t lied. I wanted to fucking run. He had confessed his love for me one night after too many beers and I had brushed it off. I had entertained the idea of this man in my bed. Of the possibility of taking things further than a friendship, but the thought of losing my best friend scared me.

  My family felt less dysfunctional today and the possibility of healing some of our wounds had potential, but Rod had always been there to pick me up and knowing that I could, no, would end up doing something to fuck that up was unbearable.

  Watching him now as we slid silently through the motions of pulling out plates and silverware, I knew I would be the one to fuck this up. Hell, I already had started the downhill spiral.

  “I never wanted this to happen,” I belted out, breaking the silence.

  Rod poked at a piece of sweet and sour chicken and shoved some of his noodles around his plate. I kept my eyes on him. I wasn’t sure how he would take it or if he would.

  “You never wanted what to happen? You never wanted to fuck me? You never wanted to put me on the same list as all those other fucks you so easily acquire?” Rod exploded.

  His sudden outburst had been unexpected yet confirmed how far this had gone. How badly I had fucked this all up.

  “I never wanted anything to change,” I corrected.

  He stared at me, his face unreadable. The anger in his words had felt like a sledgehammer to the heart, but now in the way he watched me, I couldn’t tell what he felt.

  He held the fork up, twirling it in midair. “Then why did you change it?” he spat.

  The way he could hide just how much he hurt scared me. This side of Rod seemed wrong. The angry, hardened version was a man I didn’t know existed. I thought about the question for a long time, shoving the plate away. I couldn’t eat while my stomach flipped and flopped relentlessly.

  “Answer me,” he demanded, using his large hands to push off the top of the table and propelling himself from the chair. He stepped closer to me, making it all seem like one solid movement.

  “Tell me why you sabotaged this,” he growled, waving his hand between us and toward the food and beer that took up the countertop.

  It only took a few steps before his body was pressed against my side.

  “You know me and I fucking warned you.” Him being this close, trying to intimidate me into answering him, caused my anger to flare to life. “I have no fucking restraint and you practically threw yourself at me every damn chance you had,” I hissed, coming chest-to-chest with him. I couldn’t handle him looking down at me. It made me vulnerable and I couldn’t handle being placed in that position.

  “I fucking threw myself at you?” His response seethed with his own mounting anger.

  “Yes. Taking you to Erotica was supposed to turn you off. Learning that I got off watching people fuck should have sent you running the opposite direction,” I said even as I wrapped my arm around his waist, pulling him even closer to me.

  “It shouldn’t have even gotten to that point. You have sat back and watched me intentionally, or otherwise, ruin every good thing that has come into my life. I have cheated and crushed so many people in the years that you’ve known me that you should have given up a long fucking time ago,” I was yelling even though I hadn’t wanted it to get this far.

  We had wound up millimeters from each other, our bodies so close I wouldn’t have to move to kiss him. My words were a plea for him to take what he knew and run, to find a man that would treat him the way he should be treated. But with his lips so close, all that I could think was how good they would feel pressed against mine.

  “But when you turned the tables, when you showed me just how much we shared, I came unglued,” I whispered, my eyelids sliding to sexually-charged slits.

  “And you couldn’t control yourself,” Rod finished, his tone husky.

  My dick twitched as his body, that was stiff and barely yielding moments ago, slowly began to lose its fight. I was clearly affecting him as much as he affected me. I felt like I was being ripped in two as my brain fought for control.

  “Yes,” I breathed as
I snaked my tongue out to run across his bottom lip.

  He shuddered from the one simple touch. The response was more than I could ask for. What he gave me in that one simple reaction was delicious. This was dangerous, but there was no going back. I had chosen the path of no return when I finally gave in. His dick hardened against my hip and I exhaled, working myself off the cliff that was my best friend before I could jump.

  Reluctantly, I let him loose and stepped sideways, out of the line of his body. The cool air of my apartment once again pulled itself around me, holding me in its empty embrace.

  “You know where I was today when my mother called?” I asked, trying to take my mind off how much I wanted to take a running dive off that cliff.

  “Where?” he sighed, sitting back down on his bar stool.

  “I was at Plan B,” I said, staring at him, hoping that how hopeless I was would sink in. “I went there even though you have been on my mind every second, even taking precedence over my family drama. I went there knowing that none of those fucking sleaze bags would be able to give me even an ounce of the pleasure that you could.” He needed to see the man that he wanted. I couldn’t be trusted to be faithful.

  “Did you not hear me earlier when I said I had gone to Erotica? Do you not remember what I get off on?” he said, leaning forward and arching his eyebrows, clearly not getting it still.

  I needed something stronger than beer. I remembered the bottle of rum that I had just replaced with the last one I drank. No matter what I said to keep him away, he had a way of making himself sound worse.

  “It doesn’t matter. If I confessed my undying love to you, that would be it. You would be fiercely faithful, absolutely one hundred percent mine while I would fuck it up,” I tried, dismissing what he said and anything that he could come back with.

  “Do you love me?” he questioned from behind. I wanted to kick myself for using that as an example. I hadn’t meant it like that and he knew it, and used it to his advantage.

  I froze, I hadn’t meant to make him think that. The possibility of being forced to confess something that I hadn’t been given time to process took my breath away. Everything was happening so fast, the world felt like it was caving in all around me.