Voyeur

by Christine Alvarez

  Suffocating me to the point of absolute no return.

  I took a swig of the dark, sweet bottle of rum, letting the burn rip at my worry and fear. Alcohol wasn’t going to solve anything, but it helped.

  “Do you?” he repeated, coming right up against my backside.

  He reached around me, plucking the bottle from my hands and taking a swig of his own.

  “Are you going to answer me or run?” he quietly whispered against my ear. It felt so intimate, like a secret question asked in a room full of people.

  “It doesn’t matter,” my answer was shaky, hardly believable.

  He sat the bottle on the counter with a loud bang. “Sidestepping isn’t going to work with me,” he ran his hand through my hair, tilting my head to the side. I didn’t resist, almost assisting him in a plan that I knew nothing of.

  I sucked in a rum-bathed breath as his lips slid down my neck, a moan breaking through when he bit down gently, his teeth pressing lightly into my shoulder.

  “I know you want me,” his words vibrated against my skin. “But do you love me? You said even if you confessed your undying love,” he said, repeating my own words.

  “You know that I didn’t mean it literally,” I shot back, hating my body for responding the way it did to him.

  “I am getting tired of this game. Maybe I should just leave,” his voice had changed completely. He was no longer the patient, submissive man that I had thought him to be. He let go of me so suddenly, I groaned from the unexpected loss.

  I whirled on him, his eyes blazoned with fury and lust.

  “Isn’t that what I have been trying to fucking do? Get you to leave me alone?” He had proved his fucking point and I didn’t have to answer him. Confessing out loud what I already knew would make this real. More real than the physical connection.

  My cock bulged and fought against my zipper. Even now as he threatened to leave, I wanted him. The thrill that the fight, the back and forth brought forth, was new. It had always been me to control a situation and here we stood, my control only an illusion.

  He reached both arms around me, placing his palms on the edge of the counter. Trapping me. I looked to both arms and then back to him.

  “Aren’t you just full of surprises.” My voice was barely audible to my own ears.

  “You act like you are the only one that has issues or secrets. You guard your heart and body from love as though that was the end all in life,” he spoke as leaned in, his cologne and the scent of alcohol flooding the air between us.

  His eyes shone with clarity. This time, we were doing this, and not because of too much alcohol or me going off half-hinged and jealous. We were doing this because it needed to be done. I could tell by the set of his jaw that tonight would be the end of the first half of our lives.

  “I am just as fucked up as you. I have secrets and issues that I would rather bury than confront,” I rolled my eyes and opened my mouth to call him out on that lie. “And don’t try to argue,” he hissed, shutting me down completely.

  Arguing with him had been pointless thus far, so why even continue?

  “You are right. If you were mine, I would be faithful and completely selfish when it came to you.” He kept talking even as he began to unbutton my jeans with one hand.

  I grabbed hold of him, stopping him as my zipper slowly began to free the hard-on that was killing me. My dick didn’t listen to my head or my heart, for that matter.

  “You don’t want to do that,” I groaned.

  “You don’t want me to do this. I have no doubt in my mind that I want to do this,” he said as we stared at each other.

  “No, I don’t,” I released his hand, letting him finish his task.

  My dick poked out of the slit in my boxers and I groaned as his finger traced the zipper-abused head.

  He smiled at my reaction. That heart stopping smile that had made my heart jump even before I realized what it meant.

  “You know, at some point we are going to actually have to talk,” I informed him as I grabbed each side of his face, pulling him to me. Our foreheads touched just for a second before I kissed him.

  “I know,” he said against my mouth as we broke apart.

  His hands pulled at my pants and boxers. I wiggled my ass to help speed up the process. And that was that. We kissed and touched, him running his hands along the sensitive flesh of my hard-as-a-rock cock as we made our way to the couch. The bedroom was too far away and neither of us seemed to have patience enough to get that far.

  He shoved me down onto the plush cushion and stared down at me, his eyes hungry and satisfied. I sat up, positioning myself directly in front of him.

  “You know I never answered you. This doesn’t mean tomorrow everything will be peaches and cream,” I gritted out, my voice heavy with lust. “Hell, you aren’t even out with your family,” I reminded him, grabbing onto his jeans and tugging him closer to me.

  “I said,” he said, sucking in a breath as I worked at his jeans next, “that I would be faithful and selfish when it came to you. I couldn’t hide you away like some dirty secret, even when it came to my own bigoted family.” He moaned as his thick cock sprang free.

  I took it in my hand as I watched as his eyes slid shut and his head lolled back. I wanted to give him back what he had given me already. This was something I never did with anyone. It was a silent admission, and I needed it to be this way even if he didn’t recognize it.

  I did love him and I would love him even when I walked away for good.

  I squeezed the base of his shaft as I swirled the tip of my tongue around the head of his cock, loving the feel of his hand winding tightly in my hair. He urged me forward, but I couldn’t let this go that easily.

  I flicked and rolled the entirety of his soft head with my tongue, sliding my other hand up his side. His toned body felt marvelous, the small tremors and intermediate jerks made it harder to show restraint.

  “Oh God,” he managed to get out as I finally gave in.

  I slid my lips tightly down his length, slowly getting as close to his tight balls as possible. I held myself there, letting his size bring tears to my eyes and I swallowed back the urge to release him. I looked up as much as I could but was unable to gauge anything by his face.

  The way his body arched made it impossible to see his face. I slowly pulled back, tracing my fingers back down his side and moving toward the mound of his ass. The tight muscles jumped as I slid my nails back upwards.

  My mouth slowly taking on the same rhythm as my hand, I massaged his balls as his breath picked up. I could feel his frantic heartbeat against my tongue.

  I wouldn’t take anything from him tonight. I would be the one to give for once.

  His legs shook as I picked up my speed, only taking moments to blow against his tip. His balls grew tighter, along with the erotic sounds that came from the man that I held in my mouth. I could ask for nothing else in this moment.

  I could give him what he wanted, even if it was only for a moment. He shoved himself further down my throat and I gagged as he fucked me quicker than I could keep my rhythm. Just when I felt light headed and no longer able to take his assault, he exploded, the rich, salty cum sliding down my throat.

  I swallowed and took as much as I could, feeling his dick pulse against my tongue. He pushed back my hair as I looked up at him just in time to see his love and admiration staring aback at me. A tear slid down my face. I slid him out of my mouth as the tear fell down my cheek.

  I tried to tell myself that it was a reaction to my gag reflex. It couldn’t be anything else. I wouldn’t let it.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  “This isn’t going to work,” I said, pulling my shirt over my head.

  “Are you really going to start this again?” he asked, leaning against the bathroom counter.

  I turned the water on full blast, letting the steam fill the room. I had wanted to take a shower alone, but he had followed me and I was exhausted to the point that fighting wasn’t a
n option.

  “Yes, I am,” I looked back at him as he yanked his own shirt off. “We can’t even have a normal conversation, let alone try and make anything work,” I laughed as I stepped into the hot stream.

  I let the blazing hot water slam into my back. I tilted my head back, letting the droplets soak my hair and run down my face.

  “Another fault of your own,” Rod said, stepping into the shower with me.

  “You have got to be fucking kidding me,” I groaned, pushing my fingers through my hair, slicking the strands flat against my head.

  “Not in the slightest,” he answered.

  “I don’t have as much faith in myself as you do. I can’t promise you everything you need,” I said as my eyes watched a stray droplet slide down the ripples that years of disciplined exercise had created.

  “I never asked you to promise anything. I never asked you for anything, as a matter of fact,” he said, pushing back a piece of hair that had rebelled against the rest. “All I ever asked was if you loved me.” My heart sank as he repeated the question I had worked so hard to avoid.

  Blotchy red patches sprang up all over his chest from the water. He let it beat against his body, virtually unfazed by the assault.

  “I can’t answer that,” I kept my voice strong as his warm, wet body slid against mine.

  “Okay,” he said, letting out a relieved breath.

  “Okay. That’s it? No demanding that I answer you right now?” I was genuinely baffled by his acceptance.

  “Yes, okay. You can’t answer that right now. I don’t know if you don’t know, if you are scared or confused, but whichever it may be, I am fine with that for now.” His words were soft and genuine as he cupped my face in his hands, the steam already wrinkling his fingertips.

  He leaned in and gave me a sweet kiss, his tongue urging my lips apart. I gave in once again. He was my weakness and I was tired of denying it.

  “You have to give me time,” I said once we broke apart. It was the only thing I could say. I had to make a decision.

  We were different. We were at the point of no return. I had jumped off that cliff and now I was free falling. I needed to think and decide and having him so close made thinking impossible. All I could think with him in my arms was how I couldn’t let this go, and I needed to be objective.

  He had offered to come out to his family. They were religious nuts. Homosexuality was an unforgivable sin and they would abandon him whether they shared the same blood or not. If I fucked this up, he would be alone. No family to fall back on.

  “As much time as you need,” he said, grabbing the bar of soap that sat in a dish in the corner.

  Rod lathered up a bath sponge and began running it along my chest, gently turning me around to scrub my back.

  “Rod, this is not helping,” I chided.

  “Just shut up. I owe you an explanation for the photos and I’d rather tell you while you are semi-distracted,” he demanded as he ran the rough sponge between my ass cheeks.

  “Are you…” I began as a sharp smack seared across my ass.

  “Jon and I were arguing,” he began when I said nothing. “I smacked him. If Danielle would have showed you all the photos, I am sure it would have explained everything.” His explanation made better sense than any scenario that would put Rod and Jon together in any way that resembled intimacy.

  “What were you arguing over?” I asked as he worked his way down one leg.

  I tried to stay focused on the conversation instead of how good he was making me feel. It wasn’t sexual bliss but rather contentment within this moment.

  “You,” he answered, working his way back up the other.

  The moment was so intimate. My heart fluttered as he spun me back around to face him.

  “He was trying to convince me that you weren’t the right choice. He said that I would soon be out of a job and my name ruined if I kept my allegiance with you,” he explained.

  I laughed, long and hard. Just hearing how much Jon was reaching was pathetic. If he knew anything at all, he would know that Rod was the last person on the planet that would side with him.

  “I knew he was an idiot,” I said, shaking my head.

  “And when I told him where he could stick his threats, he came at me and I hit him,” he said, laughing right along with me.

  “Thank you.” I smiled, taking the sponge from him.

  It was my turn to wash him. This moment under the firing squad of the shower jets, washing Rod was breathtaking. It made me feel more than sex had. This wasn’t something that lovers did. Washing each other, talking over our problems, this was something that two people in a committed relationship did.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  I felt claustrophobic and unable to breathe as I sat alone in my apartment, so I took my bike out for a spin. What had happened yesterday had shook me to the core. The things that happened between Rod and I were at the forefront of my thoughts.

  I dropped by the office and grabbed the contract that would make Rod the new CEO of Steele Corporations. I had opted to retain my shares so the company would stay in the hands of our immediate family. The contract sat snugly in my side pouch as I wove out of town heading the opposite way, leading me further from the beach.

  When I left, I had no intentions of winding up anywhere. I just needed the open expanse of the world to think but found myself heading in one particular direction that had never once crossed my mind. Leave it to my father to want to be buried as far as possible from anything I loved.

  I hadn’t been out here since the day they laid him in the ground. My mother had come out each week immediately after his death and my siblings refreshed the flowers regularly. They had urged me to come visit, but I turned them down.

  What the hell was I supposed to do? He wasn’t really there. It felt odd talking to a stone statue set in a piece of dirt. Dirt that covered flesh and bone. The man that made every day of my life hell wasn’t in that ground.

  Though here I was, speeding toward that very piece of earth. Doing exactly what I never thought I would do.

  I passed the cemetery gates and was able to pick out Declan Steele Sr.’s headstone above anyone else’s in the lot. The cocky bastard had requested in his living will that his headstone be made to specific measurements. Even in death, he had to rise above everyone else. For all I knew he had planned it that way.

  I shut off my bike and parked it in the gravel trail at the end of the row. I wiped my sweaty palms against my jeans and pulled the contract out of the satchel.

  I let out a breath I hadn’t known I was holding. I can do this, I told myself, trying to get my rebellious legs to move forward. This was stupid. He didn’t care what I had to say when he was alive so what was I getting out of doing this now?

  Fuck it. I slowly made my way down the row, feeling more like an idiot as I got closer to the gigantic monument that was supposed to pass as a headstone. He wasn’t fucking here, it was just bones in a casket. I picked up my pace, finally coming to a halt in front of the granite stone that was taller than my six-foot frame.

  I sent up a silent prayer asking for strength from whoever would listen. I had no idea where to start. I had hated him for so long, compared myself to him and shut myself off from the world, too scared of becoming him.

  “I’m making Rod the CEO,” I finally bit out. “I know you thought I would be good at this. I still have no fucking clue why and I really wish you had given a reason, but I’m not,” I fumbled over my words, trying to process them as they came.

  “I don’t want to end up like you. You were a horrible father and husband. You left us hanging when we needed you the most. I can’t let this company take me over, too.” I focused on the date that was etched into the stone front. I needed focus in order to get out everything that needed to be said.

  “I already see more than I like of you in me. I’m broken. You broke me, and you wanted to continue to break me until I was a carbon copy of you!” I was yelling, trying to hold back the
tears that were building in the back of my throat.

  “There is a man who loves me. A man that I love,” I laughed, realizing that I had just confessed my love for Rod to a dead man. “And I can’t give him what he deserves. Making him the CEO is the only right thing I have done in a long time,” I shook the contract at him, emphasizing my intent.

  “You left my mother broken and so desperate for love that she fell for Jon. Jon, the douchebag that you let into your company. Do you know what he has done to your wife? He has emotionally beat her down, just adding to the shit you had put her through.” I threw the envelope at his name as tears streamed from my eyes, flowing down my cool cheeks.

  “I’m sure you are sitting back wherever you ended up and blaming each of us for the problems we have today, but we are not to blame.” I pointed at the stone, “You put us in this situation, you selfish bastard.” I kicked the plastic flowers that had been stuck into the ground in front of the marker.

  “I can’t let you have this hold on me. I am going to try. I deserve happiness. If I fuck it up, it will be a decision that I can blame on me and me alone. You will have no place in my life any more. You are a dead man and dead men cannot continue to have control.” As soon as the words left my mouth, I could breathe like I hadn’t been able to in what felt like a lifetime.

  “Goodbye, Dad,” I finally said what I wasn’t able to say before.

  I scooped the contract up from the ground and without turning back, I left. Nothing else needed to be said. This chapter of my life was finally closed and I wouldn’t allow myself or anyone else to pry it open.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  I cruised side streets and took darkened allies. I wasn’t ready to go home. I had confessed everything to a father that I avoided at all cost while he had been alive. The wind skirted through my hair, nipping at my ears and my nose burned with its unfriendly caress.