I look out of the window staring as I search my mind for an answer. Then it dawns on me, “I had the flu. That was the middle of the summer. I missed pills, quite a few, but didn’t think it was a big deal.”
My voice trails off as I process it in silence. I think back to that week and the week following. I missed so many pills in those two weeks, but I assumed I had a build up in my body that there was no chance I could get pregnant.
“That’s it, that’s around the time when you conceived. You are about twelve weeks pregnant.” She hands me some papers and recites off precautions and the last thing I hear is something about my next appointment.
“But I’m not showing.”
“It’s early. This is your first child, you’re thin and you’re a runner, you might not show until around sixteen weeks, maybe later.”
“I’ve been taking birth control and drinking alcohol.”
“The studies aren’t strong regarding adverse effects of the pill while pregnant. A little glass of wine every once in a while is okay, unless, are you a heavy drinker?” The doctor asks as if she’s asking if I like ice cream.
“No. I drink a glass of wine a few times a week, but now that I think about it, recently I haven’t had a taste for it. I thought it had something to do with the stomach flu I had.”
“I imagine you don’t have a taste for it because you are pregnant. I’m sure other things haven’t been appealing to you as well.” The doctor points out.
I think back on the past weeks. I have had an odd reaction to things that I normally love. They were never severe enough to cause concern. I kept passing it off as side effects from the flu, but today's news proves me wrong.
I’m pregnant.
Oh my goodness, I’m pregnant. “I’m pregnant.” I say out loud, probably too loud because Dr. D’Angelo jumps back.
I leave the doctor’s office in a daze walking the streets of New York City. I take my phone from my bag. I search for Jill’s number and text her:
I’m not coming back to the office. I’ll call you later.
Deep in thought as the subway stops at Herald Square, I gather up my things and almost get my bag stuck in the closing subway door. I walk along 33rd to Penn Station assessing my feelings about all of this.
How am I going to tell Nick?
He has been upfront with me about children. He doesn’t want them. Hell, I didn’t think I wanted them at this point. I get into Penn Station and wait for my train. I take a seat along the wall and look down at my stomach. There’s a life growing inside of me. Tears fall and the man next to me asks if I’m okay.
“Yes, thank you, I just found out I’m pregnant.” I’m losing it; I am telling a stranger that I’m pregnant.
“That’s wonderful news, congratulations.”
I must look at him as if he congratulated me on being pregnant with a baby alien because the next thing he says brings me back to face my new reality.
“It is wonderful news, right?”
I shake my head, “Yes, just unexpected but wonderful all the same.” It is wonderful. Nick and I created a life together. I’m happy, yet I feel afraid.
The stranger pats by back just as he stands up. “Don’t worry everything always works out.”
I stare up at him, smile, and nod. He’s right, one way, or another everything does always work out.
The voice over the loud speaker announces my train on track 2, and I make my way downstairs.
I arrive home and relax out back by the pool after spending forty-five minutes staring at my stomach in the bathroom mirror. After over two hours of playing everything out in my head, I decide that it doesn’t matter what Nick wants, I’m happy I’m having a baby, and I’ll be okay if he chooses not to do this with me. I have to be strong. I have a life growing inside of me, a life that is part me, and part of the man I love. I text him that I left work early, and I’m already home. He texts back that he’ll be home around seven and he has something very important to discuss with me…he and I both.
I am in the kitchen when Nick comes through the front doors. He looks so happy. “Hey baby, how was your day?” He leans in and kisses my mouth. I answer with a simple good and ask him about his day.
“Incredible. I have some big news.” He is excited. “Come sit down for a minute.” Nick walks me to the couch and we sit facing each other. “Alexandra, that deal I’ve been working on went through, it’s huge. This is everything I wanted.”
“Congratulations, I’m so happy for you.” I hug him trying to hide my tears.
“For me? For us! Don’t you understand what this means?”
I look at Nick, not sure how to answer him. I just shake my head, confused.
“Baby, this means we will travel all over the world. They have headquarters everywhere. And the money alone is something I never thought I’d obtain before I was fifty.”
I break into an uncontrollable all out SOB. Nick doesn’t seem to know what to do. “Baby, what’s wrong? Are these happy tears?” He asks as he holds my face in his hands.
“Yes, Nick, happy tears.” I decide that tonight is not the night to break my news to Nick.
“Alex, I leave next week for Germany. We have a lot of work to do to finalize the takeover. I’ll be in Germany for months, possibly a year, and I want you there with me. I’m thinking that in a few weeks you can join me when things calm down.”
“Okay, Nick whatever you want, I’m just so happy for you.”
“Us Alex, you and me. Say it Alex. I want to hear you say it.”
“Us, Nick, us.” I force a smile. Nick seems to buy it.
“Baby, I will miss you so much, but it’s all temporary. I played it out in my mind on the way here, and I think it will be doable if you come to Germany every other month and stay for three weeks. It will be easier on you that way, instead of frequent short trips.”
I let out a breathy laugh, “You have it all figured out.” I look down at the floor and then up at Nick. “What about work?”
“You can work remotely, or not at all if that’s want you want.” Nick thought this through.
“You make it sound so simple.” I feel like I want to vomit.
“Because it is. Thank God, I don’t have a family to worry about. It makes all of this so much easier. Can you imagine if there were children involved?”
My heart sinks and it feels like someone scoops out my insides like at Halloween when you scoop out the guts of a pumpkin with a dull spoon, scraping at everything, making sure nothing remains. Hollow. I stop myself from saying anything more because I realize Nick and I are having two different conversations. I discuss this as the pregnant me, and he discusses this sans baby. At that moment, I come up with the most honest answer I can, “Nick, I’m so happy.”
I’m happy there is a life growing inside of me.
Nick’s flight was early Thursday evening. He left in the afternoon and I am relieved that he will be in Germany and I here. I need time to decide how I want to handle this. It is Friday, so I took the day off and relax into a long weekend.
I invited Jill over for lunch on Sunday. I will need to confide in her since she plays such an important role in my life. I probably won’t be able to hide my baby bump forever, and I won’t be able to a hide a baby.
Nick called me as soon as he arrived in Germany. He sounded exhausted, so we talked briefly. He mentioned that email would be our best form of communication during the week, do to the time difference. I agreed. All the sudden changes in my life wore me out. Trying to stay awake at night to talk to him would be impossible.
What I need to do is get my mind around being pregnant. I still got up every morning since I found out I was pregnant and went for my run. My doctor said I could continue my normal routine. Nick and I had a lot of sex before he left. Nick is large and many times, it felt like his cock was in my stomach. At one point, he was so deep inside of me that I imagined our baby feeling it, and I lost my orgasm. That was the first time I faked it with Nick.
> “Alex, you’re not drinking?” Jill makes it sound like me turning down alcohol is too random.
I let out an exasperated breath, “Jill, sit down. I need to tell you something.”
“Oh holy shit, you’re pregnant.” Jill goes for the obvious. Before I can even confirm her thought, she is out of her chair congratulating me.
“I mean really Jill, it’s not the best news. I mean it’s good news, but Nick doesn’t want children. He has made that clear many times. So it’s not the best news for our relationship.”
Jill sits down next to me and takes my hand in hers. “Alex, men don’t know what they want until they get it. Do you think Nick knew he wanted you before he met you, no, not at all, you’re a forty- three old pain in the ass with major commitment issues, but he fell in love with you.”
Jill has a point, but the last thing Nick needs right now is to deal with me and my pregnant self, especially when it’s something he doesn’t want.
“Jill, he’s young, he’s got this world by the balls, he doesn’t need my sorry pregnant ass ruining all of that.”
“So what, you’re not gonna tell him?”
“No.” I look down at the pavers. “I’m ending it.”
“Ending what?" Jill asks as she jumps up from her chair.
“Oh God no, not my pregnancy, the relationship.” It horrifies me that she thought I would end my pregnancy. I’ve wanted children my entire life. I can’t believe I will finally have a child. I thought my chances were over. I never thought I’d be in a relationship again, and I didn’t even think I could get pregnant at this point at least not without difficulty.
Jill says nothing at first. The look on her face tells me she disapproves. “I think you're wrong, very wrong. What crazy part of your mind considers this a good idea?”
“Please Jill, all I ask is that you support me in my decision, whether you agree with me or not.” I reach for her hand and hold it in my lap. I need Jill to be there for me, and my baby. I can handle anything in life. But if I’m honest with myself, I am terrified of becoming a mother, alone.
“You know there is nothing that I wouldn’t do for you, even if I don’t agree with your decision, but I can guarantee he’ll be coming after your pregnant ass.”
“I will not tell him I’m pregnant.”
“What the fuck, he owns the company, he will know. Besides, I think he has a right to know.” Jill pauses as she stares me down, and then it hits her. “Oh no, you’re resigning?”
“We’re resigning.” I try my most rehearsed smile out on Jill.
“What the fuck, Alex, I like it there.” Jill sounds exasperated.
“It won’t be the same now that Joe is gone.”
“He’s coming back.” Jill thinks she’s stating a fact.
“No, he’s not, now when the owner of the company saw him like that, he’ll gracefully move on. It’s time for me to move on, too. Anyway, I got a large signing bonus and this time I’m giving you thirty percent of it.” I watch as Jill’s eyes light up. She got a cut of the last bonus I received, so she knows what that means for her.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” Jill asks.
“Nope, I’m not kidding. It’s bigger than last time.” I smile at her knowing she won’t turn down the money.
“All right, so when do we resign?” Jill asks.
“Jill, thank you, you are the one constant in my life.”
“That’s not fair to Nick, he could be the constant, but I think you’re shutting him out before he even proves it to you. Just remember I love you, but I don’t agree with you.” Jill nods her head in disbelief. “And I don’t think Nick will give you up that easily.”
“I think you're right, and I’m okay with that. My only concern is getting through this pregnancy without him knowing. If he found out he would come home and do the right thing for me and the baby.”
“But isn’t that what you want?” Jill sounds confused and I can’t blame her. This might not be the right decision for me, but it is the right decision for Nick.
“No. I want him to stay there, finish the deal, and not be distracted by anything to do with me, or the baby. He most likely won’t be home until next summer, maybe later. I’ll deal with it then.”
“So eventually you will tell him he’s a father?” Jill tries to follow my thought pattern.
“If I have to. He might meet a nice young German girl, and forget about my old sorry ass, and then there’s no need to tell him.”
“Yeah, I don’t think that will happen. I’ve never seen a guy more in love than Nick is with you.”
“People change, people fall out of love, it happens.” I try to convince myself.
Chapter 22
Alexandra
“Nick, that’s not what this is about.”
“Then what the hell is this about?” His angry tone rattles me. “Alexandra, I’m coming home.”
“NO. Nick, please stay there get done what you need to get done. I don’t want to see you.”
“Alexandra, you don’t want to see me? What are you saying? You don’t want me there? You don’t want me in your life?”
I hesitate. I can’t answer him.
I hear him breathing. There is a long pause before either of us says anything.
“Fuck, Alexandra, you do this now. That’s fucked up.”
“Nick, I felt this way when you told me the news.”
“That’s really fucked up. You let me leave you when you knew you would hurt me like this?” I hear a loud bang on his end of the line. “I don’t know you. Actually, I know you, and of course, you had to fuck this up. It would ruin your ultimate plan to be fucking alone!”
I fight back my tears as I wait for him to finish.
“Alexandra, please promise you’ll see me when I get home.”
“Nick, I can’t think that far ahead, and you shouldn’t either. Maybe you’ll meet someone while in Germany and you’ll forget all about me.” Though we are thousands of miles away, I flinch when I hear a louder crashing sound coming from Nick’s end of the phone.
Nick's changes to a steadier, calmer approach. “Alexandra. I will not let you do this.”
“Nick, please, I’m hanging up now.”
“Alexandra, I love you. Take a breath and hold on to that fact, I love you and that will not change.”
I swallow hard, “I want you to take care of your business while I stay here and continue with my life as is. Please enjoy your life. You have so much going for you. Enjoy it all.” I pause. “Nick, I love you but I’m hanging up now.”
“Wait! Not yet. Alexandra, I love you. I’ll give you your space, but I’m not letting go.”
I take in a breath…CLICK.
Done.
Breathe.
I sob uncontrollably. I pushed someone away that loves me. He didn’t die. He’s still here. Yet, I pushed him away. I can’t think about it right now. I can’t ruin Nick’s life by burdening him with something he does not want. I have a life inside of me, a life that needs me.
I pack up my last box. Yesterday, I cried myself to sleep after I ended my relationship with Nick, today I cry as I say goodbye to my job. I accepted my new position with Bob Bernard’s firm on Friday. I disclosed my pregnancy. He didn’t have a problem with it. Bob has wanted me to come on board with his firm for years. I think he would have taken me if I told him I was having quintuplets. God, I hope I’m not having quintuplets.
He was surprised because he didn’t know I was married. I laid that to rest, “I’m not married, but I wanted a child.” He asked me no further questions.
I take the week off so I start next Monday. Jill and I head up to the Berkshires for a little R&R. I made reservations for the two of us at a spa. I knew I had to soften this transition a little for Jill, so four days at a spa should do it.
Chapter 23
Nick
As I walk into the hotel, I see my sister’s husband, Rob, relaxing in a chair reading a newspaper. Rob has business in Germany and i
t couldn’t have happened at a better time. I need some serious advice or just moral support.
Three days ago, Alexandra told me she couldn’t do this, this being our relationship. I felt suckered punched. Something doesn’t add up and I’ve spent the last few days trying to make sense of it, but I can’t.
I’m in Germany, she’s in New York, so for now, I’ll give Alexandra space.
I call out Rob’s name, and he looks up from his paper. He stands and we greet each other with a handshake and a one-arm hug. “Man, I am so glad you’re here.” Even though Rob is almost thirty years older than me, he doesn’t act or look it. He attributes it to his young wife and kids. He’s just a cool guy with some serious integrity.
“Yeah, your mom told me about your girlfriend. I’m sorry about that. How are you doing?” With both his hands, Rob grabs my upper arms and looks me square in the eye.
“I’m hanging in there. I have business to take care of and then I’ll deal with Alexandra.”
“We’ll talk about it. Let’s grab dinner and plenty of drinks and we’ll figure it all out.” As usual, Rob knows what to say.
We both order a gin martini to start while we wait for the hostess to seat us. We take our first sip and Rob wastes no time getting to the point. “So Nick, you think you love this girl.”
I don’t answer right away. Because everything I love about Alexandra flashes through my mind. “I love her,” I stare down at the bar, “and I fucking miss her so much.
“I’m only asking because it hasn’t been that long. I mean you know her what a couple of months?” Rob question is justified since it hasn’t been that long.
“A little over three months.” I don’t expect people to understand the instant connection I felt for Alexandra, so it doesn’t offend me if they brush our relationship off to the hardly knew each other category. I know her, and I made sure she knew all of me. I even know now that her running from me is just fear.
“And you think you really love her?” Rob asks again. “I mean she’s hot, great body, sweet girl, but do you really love her? Is she worth this?”
The Yes Girl Page 23