Uncle John’s Unstoppable Bathroom Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  THAT’S THE TICKET

  Henry Clay put enormous pressure on an elderly New York congressman named Stephen Van Rensselaer to change his vote in favor of Adams…but Van Rensselaer couldn’t make up his mind. So when the vote was called, he lowered his head, closed his eyes, and whispered a short prayer, asking for divine guidance.

  When Van Rensselaer opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was a ticket for John Quincy Adams on the floor beneath his desk. That was all he needed—Van Rensselaer picked up the ticket, carried it over to the ballot box, and put Adams in the White House.

  Jackson, who’d won more votes and carried more states than anyone else, was convinced that he’d just been cheated out of the presidency. The Adams presidency, he charged, was the result of a “corrupt bargain”: essentially Henry Clay had delivered the presidency to Adams and Adams appointed Clay Secretary of State, which in those days was considered heir apparent to the presidency. Jackson and his supporters vowed to get revenge.

  The Jeffersonian Republican Party was so deeply divided over the election of 1824 that it split in two. Jackson’s supporters now began to refer to themselves as the “Democratic-Republican” Party—Democrats for short. Adams’s supporters called themselves the “National Republicans.”

  The two-party system was back, this time to stay.

  MUD FIGHT

  What followed was one of the nastiest political battles in the history of the United States. Adams, his reputation tarnished by the charges of corruption, was determined to muddy Jackson’s reputation as well. Adams’s supporters attacked Jackson’s military career, accusing him of misconduct during the War of 1812. They also dug up an old charge (possibly true) that he’d married his wife Rachel before her divorce from her first husband was final. That made her a bigamist, which was not only illegal but scandalous.

  Nothing was sacred. Adams’s people even attacked Jackson’s deceased mother. The pro-Adams National Journal called her “a Common Prostitute, brought to this country by British soldiers! She afterwards married a Mulatto Man, by whom she had several children of which number General Jackson is one!”

  Jackson’s forces fought back, attacking President Adams as an out-of-touch, elitist aristocrat, as well as an alcoholic and a “Sabbath-breaker” who, when he did go to church, went barefoot.

  Jupiter is large enough to fit all the planets of the solar system inside it.

  LIFE OF THE PARTY

  But what really made the election of 1828 remarkable was that it was the first truly national presidential campaign. Traditionally, the slow pace of communication across the U.S. necessitated that political campaigns be run at the state and local level, with no national strategy or tactics. That began to change in 1826, when Senator Martin Van Buren, the political boss of New York known as “the Little Magician,” joined forces with the Jackson camp.

  Van Buren launched a centrally controlled communications strategy. The campaign formed its own newspaper, called the United States Telegraph, and hired a staff of writers to write pro-Jackson articles that were then published in the Telegraph and 50 other pro-Jackson papers around the country.

  At the same time, local and state committees organized pro-Jackson dinners, barbecues, parades, and other events where local politicos would deliver stump speeches written by the national campaign. Campaign workers sang campaign songs—another innovation for 1828—planted hickory trees in town squares and along major roads, and distributed hickory brooms, hickory canes, and even hickory leaves that people could wear to show their support for Old Hickory. Then, on election day, local Jackson organizations marched their voters to the polls under banners reading “Jackson and Reform.”

  DEMOCRATS IN POWER

  The old-fashioned Adams campaign could not match the strategy or intensity of the Jackson campaign. Old Hickory won 56% of the popular vote and 178 out of 261 electoral votes, including every state west of New Jersey and south of the Potomac River. “Organization is the secret of victory,” one pro-Adams newspaper observed, and “by want of it, we have been overthrown.”

  “Jackson’s victory brought a full-blown party system into existence,” Arthur Schlesinger writes in Of the People. “Martin Van Buren…was the champion of the organized party with party machinery, national conventions and national committees, all held together by party discipline and the cult of party loyalty.”

  The Democrats were the first to benefit from Van Buren’s system, but other parties would soon follow. Read about the birth of the Whig party on page 452.

  The word disco means “I learn” in Latin.

  ____________________

  As you might imagine, Uncle John is a book hound. He loves “first editions.” So you can imagine how flushed he got when he found a list of some real first editions.

  • World’s First Dictionary: Explaining Words, Analyzing Characters (100 A.D.), by Xu Shen. Chinese words and definitions.

  • World’s First Fantasy Story: The Castaway, published in Egypt circa 1950 B.C. The story of a man who is shipwrecked on an island ruled by a giant bearded serpent with a deep voice and an ability to predict the future.

  • World’s First Sci-Fi Story: True History, by Lucian of Samosata, published in the second century A.D. Adventures in outer space, in unknown seas, and on the moon. Everyone in space speaks Greek.

  • World’s First Book of Firsts: Origins of Ages (100 B.C.), author unknown. Lists the founders of the ruling families of China.

  • World’s First Novel: Cyropaedia (360 B.C.), by the Greek author Xenophon. An account of the life of Cyrus, founder of the Persian empire. The book offers “an idealized account of Persian society, contrasting with the unsympathetic views of most Greeks.”

  • World’s First Autobiography: Memoirs of Aratus of Sicyon, published after his death by poisoning in 213 B.C. Critics commend Aratus for admitting his own weaknesses in the book, but fault him for being “insultingly critical of people he disliked.”

  • World’s First Book of Ghost Stories: Tales of Marvels (early third century), by Chinese author Tsao Pi. Stories include a haunted house and a man who convinces a ghost that he’s a ghost, too.

  • World’s First Joke Book: Forest of Jokes, by Harn Darn Jun, a Chinese author, around 200 A.D. Here’s one of the jokes:

  In Lu, a man with a long pole tried to go in through a city gate. But whether he held the pole upright or side on, he couldn’t get through. He was at his wit’s end. Then an old man came up and gave him advice which he acted on: “I may not be a sage, but I have had plenty of experience. Why don’t you saw the pole in half and carry it through that way?”

  Humorist Will Rogers once served as honorary mayor of Beverly Hills.

  ____________________

  The Sopranos, a TV drama about mobsters, is one of the hottest shows ever created by HBO. You may be a fan, but how much do you really know about the show?

  1. From the start the show’s creator, David Chase, wanted to call the show The Sopranos, but HBO said no. Why?

  a) HBO executives thought the word Soprano sounded Greek, not Italian. Who would watch a show about Greek mobsters?

  b) Not “authentic enough.” HBO insisted on The Fratiannos, but they backed off when deceased mobster Jimmy “the Weasel” Fratianno’s relatives threatened to sue.

  c) They were afraid viewers would think the show was about opera singers. They were going to call the series Family Man, but backed off when Fox introduced the animated series Family Guy.

  2. Which of the following other titles were also considered for the show before HBO backed down and let Chase call it The Sopranos?

  a) Red Sauce

  b) Made in New Jersey

  c) The Tony Files

  d) All of the above

  3. How did James Gandolfini (Tony Soprano) take up acting?

  a) “I was shy in high school. I thought acting would be a good way to meet girls. It was.”

  b) “I didn’t want a job where I’d work in an office all day.”


  c) “I got tired of working for the phone company. It was either acting or singing, so I flipped a coin. It came up heads—acting.”

  d) “A friend took me to his acting class, and I was scared to death. That really made me mad, so I stayed. I don’t know why.”

  4. Who said, “Hit them over the head with a baseball bat, and they come around” and “I’m gonna come back here and carve my initials in your forehead. You better show me the respect I deserve.”

  a) Jamie-Lynn Sigler (Meadow Soprano) said it to David Chase. According to Chase, she said it when he refused to give her a raise.

  More steel is used in the U.S. to make bottle caps than to make cars.

  b) Tony Sirico, the actor who plays Paulie Walnuts. In the early 1970s, he really was a Mob thug. He made the threats during a confrontation with the owner of a New York discotheque.

  c) Dominic Chianese, who plays Uncle Junior, had an uncle who believed that the best way to get good service in a restaurant was by threatening the waiters. He told the story to Chase, who put some of the uncle’s lines in episode 10 of the first season, when Junior threatens an attendant at Livia Soprano’s nursing home.

  d) Chase heard Nancy Marchand (Livia Soprano) say it to her husband on the phone, so he used it in episode 6, when Tony Soprano threatens Anthony Jr.’s football coach.

  5. What is a goomah?

  a) The same as a borgata—a crime family.

  b) The same as a jamook—an idiot or a loser.

  c) The same as a comare—a mobster’s mistress.

  d) The same as a mannagge—a war with another clan or family.

  6. What was one of the challenges actor Michael Imperioli had to master to play Tony Soprano’s nephew, Christopher Moltisanti?

  a) Learning how to drive.

  b) Learning how to act. He’d played small parts in movies (he was Spider in Goodfellas), but he’d never really studied the craft.

  c) Overcoming his stutter.

  d) The New Jersey accent. He was raised in North Dakota.

  7. What is an “executive game”?

  a) A financial scam that cheats wealthy investors by selling them stock in fake companies.

  b) An exclusive, high-stakes poker game for celebrities and rich people.

  c) A code name for a sporting event that has been fixed in advance by paying key players to lose.

  d) The title of episode 12, where Tony wants to join a private country club but can’t because golf is an “executive game” and he’s “the wrong kind of executive.”

  Answers on page 498.

  Cleopatra was married to Ptolemy XIII and Ptolemy XIV—both her brothers.

  WEIRD-MART

  You’ve probably come up with a business idea you thought was terrific, only to be told it would never work. Well, that didn’t stop these folks.

  AS NOT SEEN ON TV

  Toy stores in the United States and Great Britain started selling a new action figure in 2001: Invisible Jim. Like other action figures, Invisible Jim is packaged in a box of clear plastic and colorful cardboard. The only difference is that there’s nothing inside the box. The makers of the “toy” say it’s good for kid’s imaginations and perfect for “anyone with a sense of humor.”

  “We get the odd phone call from someone who says, ‘We got an Invisible Jim but he must have fallen out. Could you send me another doll?’ ” said distributor Chris Marler, adding, “When we got the first shipment, we weren’t sure it had actually arrived.”

  IT’S A MALL WORLD AFTER ALL

  Fearing they might be losing business from women whose husbands hated to shop, the Braehead Shopping Centre in Glasgow, Scotland, came up with an unusual idea in 2002: “The Shopping Boyfriend,” a real-life person who acts as a temporary boyfriend or husband to be dragged along from store to store. “The Shopping Boyfriend is the ultimate retail therapist,” said a mall spokesperson. They are “enthusiastic, attentive, admiring, and complimentary,” and, if necessary, they’ll even say “her bum looks small.”

  GHOST WRITER

  Do you live in a haunted house? Ultraviolet, a company in England, offers “Spooksafe” insurance policies that will pay up to $100,000 for “death, injury or damage to personal effects caused by a ghost or poltergeist.” (Or aliens.) And if you can prove medically that you’ve been transformed into a vampire or werewolf, the policy pays $1 million. According to Simon Burgess, chief underwriter, the company has already paid out on one ghost-related murder. “We had a firm of investigators look into it,” he said, “and they were convinced that a ghost was responsible.”

  More children are accidentally poisoned by toxic houseplants than by household chemicals.

  THEY JUST CALLED TO SAY I’M SORRY

  It’s difficult for some people to say “I’m sorry” (see pages 83 and 325). So for the equivalent of $2.50, the Apology and Gift Center in Tianjin, China, will send someone to apologize for you. The company claims to be thriving; in Chinese culture many people fear that making an apology will make them “lose face.” And for anyone who can’t afford $2.50, there’s another alternative: saying “I’m sorry” live on the popular Beijing People’s Radio show Apologize in Public Tonight.

  URINE THE MONEY

  Kenneth Curtis, a pipefitter in Marietta, South Carolina, got fed up with having to submit to regular urinalysis drug tests at his worksites. He didn’t use drugs and saw the tests an invasion of his privacy. So in 1996 he decided to get even with the testers—he started an online company, Privacy Protection Services, to sell his “clean” urine. For $69, Curtis offers 5.5 ounces of drug-free urine, a tube, and a small heated pouch to strap to your leg. “Use our kit in a natural urinating position,” ads boast. “You cannot be detected even if directly observed.” Curtis claims to have sold more than 100,000 kits.

  Update: When South Carolina made selling urine illegal in 1999, Curtis appealed it all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court…but finally lost in 2001. Undaunted, Curtis found a way around the law—he moved to North Carolina, where he continued to sell drug-free pee. “If you can’t sell urine, what can you sell?” he asks.

  HE CHARGES AN ARM AND A LEG

  The South China Morning Post reported in 2003 that a 19-year-old security guard from Changsha, Hunan province, was selling himself—one piece at a time. The young man put posters up advertising his body parts for sale to the highest bidder: $18,000 for a kidney, the same amount for one testicle, and $9,000 for an eye. He said he hadn’t had any offers yet, but did have some inquiries. Why was he doing it? According to the news reports, he wanted to “get rich.”

  * * *

  “A business that makes nothing but money is a poor business.”

  —Henry Ford

  Mr. Loaf? Nope—The singer Meatloaf’s real name is Marvin Lee Aday.

  BEFORE THEY WERE INFAMOUS

  Great leaders make choices early in life that pave the way for their illustrious careers. But what about the world’s worst tyrants? Here’s a look at the early lives of some rotten apples in the history barrel.

  JOSEPH STALIN (1879–1953)

  Place in History: Soviet ruler from 1924 to 1953. Fueled by a mad paranoia, Stalin is responsible for the murder and mass starvation of millions of Soviet citizens. His forced collectivization of Soviet agriculture starved as many as 5 million people from 1932 to 1933; the political purges that followed from 1936 to 1938 may have killed as many as 7 million more. His diplomatic and military blunders leading up to World War II contributed mightily to the 20 million Soviet military and civilian casualties during the war.

  Before He Was Infamous: Born Iosif Vissarionovich Dzhugashvili, young Joseph entered a Russian Orthodox seminary in 1894, but he was kicked out at the age of 20. He went underground, became a Bolshevik revolutionary, and later adopted the pseudonym Stalin, which means “Man of Steel.” Between 1902 and 1913, the man of steel was arrested and jailed seven times, and sent to Siberia twice. In 1917, he became the editor of Pravda, the Communist Party newspaper. Stalin d
id not play a prominent role in the communist revolution of November 1917, but in 1922 he was elected general secretary of Communist Party, a post that became his power base. Vladimir Lenin died in 1924, but it wasn’t until after six years of maneuvering against opponents that Stalin emerged as Lenin’s unrivaled successor in 1930.

  MAO TSE-TUNG (1893–1976)

  Place in History: Leader of the Chinese Communist Party (1935) and founder of the People’s Republic of China, which he ruled from 1949 until his death in 1976. Under such disastrous programs as The Great Leap Forward (1958-60) and The Cultural Revolution (1966-76), more than 30 million people starved to death or were murdered outright by Mao’s government and its policies.

  Snot funny: The Japanese have been blowing their noses on tissue paper for over 300 years.

  Before He Was Infamous: At 13, this child of peasant farmers left home to get an education. He tried police school, soap-making school, law school, and economics before settling on becoming a teacher. He attended the University of Beijing, where he became a Marxist and in 1921, at the age of 27, a founding member of the Chinese Communist Party. In 1927 he alienated orthodox Marxists by arguing that peasants, not workers, would be the main force in the communist revolution. It wasn’t until 1935, following the 6,000 mile “Long March” to escape the Chinese government’s brutal campaign against the communists, that he emerged as the party’s leader.

  ADOLF HITLER (1889–1945)

  Place in History: Elected German Chancellor in 1933 and ruled Nazi Germany from 1933 until his death in 1945. The Nazis murdered an estimated 6 million Jews and other people it considered inferior, including Gypsies, Jehovah’s Witnesses, communists and homosexuals. Hitler also started World War II, which killed as many as 55 million people.

  Before He Was Infamous: As a small boy, Hitler dreamed of becoming a priest, but by age 14 he’d lost his interest in religion. As a young man he enjoyed architecture and art and dreamed of becoming a great artist, but when he applied for admission to the Academy of Fine Arts in Vienna, he was turned down—twice—for lack of talent. He bummed around Vienna until 1913, living off an orphan’s pension and what little money he made from odd jobs like beating carpets, and from selling paintings and drawings of Viennese landmarks. When World War I broke out in 1914 he was living in Munich, where he volunteered for the Bavarian Army and was later awarded the Iron Cross.