Uncle John’s Unstoppable Bathroom Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  Germany lost the war in 1918; the following year Hitler joined the German Workers Party at a time when it had only about 25 members. He soon became its leader, and in 1920 the party changed its name to the National Socialist German Workers’ Party—better known as the Nazis.

  POL POT (1925–1998)

  Place in History: Leader of the Cambodian Khmer Rouge guerrilla movement, which seized control of the Cambodian government in 1975 and ruled the country until January 1979. On Pol Pot’s orders the cities were emptied and the urban population forced out into the countryside to work on collective farms that became known as “killing fields.” Nearly 1.7 million Cambodians—20% of the entire population—were starved, worked to death or murdered by the Khmer Rouge.

  Burger King’s Whopper cost $.37 when it was introduced in 1957.

  Before He Was Infamous: Born Saloth Sar, Pol Pot lived in a Buddhist monastery for six years, and was a practicing monk. He worked briefly as a carpenter before moving to Paris at the age of 24 to study radio electronics on a full scholarship. While there he joined the French Communist Party. He later lost his scholarship and returned home in 1953, the same year that Cambodia won independence from France. Over the next decade Sar rose through the ranks of the Cambodian Communist Party (the Khmer Rouge), and in 1963 he became its head. In the mid 1970s he adopted the pseudonym, Pol Pot.

  IDI AMIN DADA (ca. 1924–2003)

  Place in History: Ugandan dictator from 1971 to 1979. In those years he expelled the entire Asian population of Uganda (more than 70,000 people) and is believed to have murdered as many as 400,000 people during his eight-year reign of terror. In 1979 he invaded the neighboring country of Tanzania; when the invasion failed and the Tanzanians counterattacked he fled into exile, eventually settling in Saudi Arabia. He died there in August 2003.

  Before He Was Infamous: Amin, a member of the small Kakwa tribe of northwestern Uganda, was born in 1925 and raised by his mother, a self-proclaimed sorceress. As a child he sold doughnuts (mandazi) in the streets. In 1943 he joined the King’s African Rifles of the British colonial army and went on to serve in the Allied Forces’ Burma campaign during World War II. After the war he became a boxer and was the heavyweight champion of Uganda for nine years (1951–1960).

  Amin continued his rise through the ranks of the military, and by the time Uganda became independent from England in 1962 he was one of only two African officers in the entire Ugandan armed forces. President Milton Obote appointed him head of the army and navy in 1966; five years later Amin seized power in a coup and declared himself president for life.

  The phrase “the sky’s the limit” comes from Cervantes’ Don Quixote.

  MANEKI NEKO

  There are countless superstitions involving cats, most of them focused on the bad luck that they supposedly bring. In Japan and other Asian countries, however, the cat is a symbol of good fortune.

  THE BECKONING CAT

  If you’ve ever walked into a Chinese or Japanese business and noticed a figure of a cat with an upraised paw, you’ve met Maneki Neko (pronounced MAH-ne-key NEH-ko). “The Beckoning Cat” is displayed to invite good fortune, a tradition that began with a legendary Japanese cat many centuries ago.

  According to legend, that cat, called Tama, lived in a poverty-stricken temple in 17th-century Tokyo. The temple priest often scolded Tama for contributing nothing to the upkeep of the temple. Then one day, a powerful feudal lord named Naotaka Ii was caught in a rainstorm near the temple while returning home from a hunting trip. As the lord took refuge under a big tree, he noticed Tama with her paw raised, beckoning to him, inviting him to enter the temple’s front gate. Intrigued, the lord decided to get a closer look at this remarkable cat. Suddenly, the tree was struck by lightning and fell on the exact spot where Naotaka had just been standing. Tama had saved his life! In gratitude, Naotaka made the little temple his family temple and became its benefactor. Tama and the priest never went hungry again. After a long life, Tama was buried with great respect at the renamed Goutokuji temple. Goutokuji still exists, housing dozens of statues of the Beckoning Cat.

  LUCKY CHARMS

  Figures of Maneki Neko became popular in Japan under shogun rule in the 19th century. At that time, most “houses of amusement” (brothels) and many private homes had a good-luck shelf filled with lucky charms, many in the shape of male sexual organs. When Japan began to associate with Western countries in the 1860s, the charms began to be seen as vulgar. In an effort to modernize Japan and improve its image, Emperor Meiji outlawed the production, sale, and display of phallic talismans in 1872. People still wanted lucky objects, however, so the less controversial Maneki Neko figures became popular.

  There are more than 40,000 characters in Chinese script.

  Eventually the image of the lucky cat spread to China and then to Southeast Asia. How popular did the Beckoning Cat become? In Thailand, the ancient goddess of prosperity, Nang Kwak, was traditionally shown kneeling with a money bag on her lap. Now she’s usually shown making the cat’s raised-hand gesture and occasionally sporting a cat’s tail.

  In Europe and North America, images of Maneki Neko can be found in Asian-owned businesses, such as Chinese restaurants. And back in Japan, a new cat icon adorns clothing, toys, and various objects: Hello Kitty—a literal translation of Maneki Neko, or “Beckoning Cat.”

  MANEKI NEKO FACTS

  • Sometimes Maneki Neko has his left paw up, sometimes the right. The left paw signifies that the business owner is inviting in customers. The right invites in money or good fortune.

  • Most Maneki Nekos are calico cats; the male calico is so rare it’s considered lucky in Japan. But Maneki Neko may be white, black, red, gold, or pink to ward off illness, bad luck, or evil spirits and bring financial success, good luck, health, and love.

  • Maneki Nekos made in Japan show the palm of the paw, imitating the manner in which Japanese people beckon. American Maneki Nekos show the back of the paw, reflecting the way we gesture “come here.”

  • The higher Maneki Neko holds his paw, the more good fortune is being invited.

  * * *

  “I don’t need a reading lamp in my living room. I don’t have a toilet in there.”

  —Norm Macdonald

  No laughing matter: Hyenas are more closely related to cats than dogs.

  AMAZING ANAGRAMS

  Bathroom readers seem to love anagrams…words or phrases whose letters can be rearranged to form new words or phrases. Bonus: The new phrase has a meaning that relates to the old one.

  NEGATION becomes… GET A “NO” IN

  ENDEARMENTS becomes… TENDER NAMES

  HARVESTING SEASON becomes… SAVE THE GRAIN, SONS

  BURY THE HATCHET becomes… BUTCHER THY HATE

  SUPREME COURT becomes… CORRUPT? SUE ME

  THE ASSASSINATION OF PRESIDENT ABRAHAM LINCOLN becomes… A PISTOL IN AN ACTOR’S REBEL HANDS; A FINE MAN IS SHOT

  PUBLIC RELATIONS becomes… CRAP, BUILT ON LIES

  SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA becomes… HOT SUN, OR LIFE IN A CAR

  MARRIAGE becomes… A GRIM ERA

  INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY becomes… NEW UTOPIA? HORRIFYING SHAM

  North America becomes… MACHO TERRAIN

  SENATOR becomes… TREASON

  GARBAGE MAN becomes… BAG MANAGER

  A SURGICAL OPERATION becomes… PAIN OR GORE. ALAS, I CUT.

  A PSYCHIATRIST becomes… SIT, CHAT, PAY, SIR.

  MERRIAM WEBSTER DICTIONARY becomes… MAY CITE BRAINIER WORD TERMS

  TELEVISION becomes… TV IS ONE LIE

  First movie star to appear on a postage stamp: Gene Kelly.

  THE DUSTBIN OF HISTORY

  Leon Livingston had many titles—A-No.1, the Rambler, Emperor of the North—but none fit him better than “King of the Hoboes.”

  Forgotten Figure: Leon Ray Livingston

  Claim to Fame: Being King of the Hoboes

  Background: Leon began his hobo lifestyle when he ran away from home in San Fra
ncisco in 1883. Only 11 years old, the boy was too young to find work, so he took up with a hobo named Frenchy, an ex-convict and experienced wanderer who taught little Leon the ways of the open road:

  • How to survive on handouts from local charities.

  • Where to sleep—parks, freight cars, or the “hobo jungles” outside railroad yards.

  • How to make “mulligan stew,” a traditional hobo meal consisting of a stolen chicken and whatever few vegetables they could gather, all cooked in a large tin can on a campfire.

  • How to move about the country for free: generally in empty freight cars.

  • Ways to avoid the railroad police, known as “bulls,” who patrolled the train yards looking for freeloaders. Being caught usually meant getting a beating with the bulls’ nightsticks. Worse, sometimes it meant being tossed off a moving train.

  FAME (BUT NO FORTUNE)

  Leon, who became known as A-No.1, got to be adept at hopping a train after it had left the station (other “brethren of the road” who weren’t as skilled often lost their lives, falling under the wheels of the train). He loved the hobo life and kept a scrapbook of the travels that took him from the Klondike to the Amazon. And everywhere he went, he wrote his name, “A-No.1,” on fences, on barns, on storefronts, and in train yards. Every bare wall he encountered bore witness to the fact that A-No.1 had been there.

  Scientists say: The easiest sound for the human ear to hear is “ah.”

  Word of mouth turned him into America’s most famous tramp. And because he neither drank nor smoked, because he valued honesty and cleanliness, the other hoboes looked up to A-No.1, and gave him another nickname, “King of the Hoboes.”

  ROAD SCHOLAR

  As he got older, A-No.1 rambled from coast to coast with the famous writer Jack London, whose hobo moniker was “Sailor Jack.” London inspired A-No.1 to become a writer himself. His first published book was The Life and Adventures of A-No.1, followed closely by Hobo Camp Fire Tales. He wrote 12 books in all.

  A-No.1 claimed that his only real goal in life was to keep American boys and girls from running away from home and living the sort of life he led. He gave lectures on the evils of the vagabond life and used the money he made from his books to send runaway kids back home.

  “When I started out, the wanderlust was upon me and I enjoyed the zest of adventure,” A-No.1 said. “Later I traveled because it became a habit, and now, although I hate the life, I travel because I cannot stop.”

  A-No.1 died in 1944 and was buried in the place he had come to love most—a small town in Pennsylvania called Cambridge Springs. On his tombstone is written, A-NO.1 AT REST AT LAST.

  * * *

  FAMOUS LAST WORDS

  “I have just had to tell your mother that I shall be dead in a quarter of an hour. Hitler is charging me with high treason. In view of my services in Africa I am to have the chance of dying by poison. The two generals have brought it with them. It is fatal in three seconds. If I accept, none of the usual steps will be taken against my family. I’m to be given a state funeral. It’s all been prepared to the last detail. In a quarter of an hour you will receive a call from the hospital in Ulm to say that I’ve had a brain seizure on the way to a conference.”

  —Suicide note of “Desert Fox”

  Erwin Rommel after participating

  in a plot to assassinate Hitler

  In Arabic countries, Sesame Street is known as Iftah Ya Simsim.

  MYTH-CONCEPTIONS

  “Common knowledge” is frequently wrong. Here are some examples of things that many people believe—but that according to our sources, just aren’t true.

  Myth: If you touch a baby bird, its mother will abandon it.

  Fact: Whether or not a mother can detect the scent of a human depends on the animal’s sense of smell. Birds have a poor sense of smell and would never know from it whether a human had touched their nest.

  Myth: Julius Caesar was a Roman emperor.

  Fact: In Caesar’s time, Rome was a republic and had no emperor. The Roman Empire didn’t exist until 17 years after Caesar’s death.

  Myth: You should drink at least eight 8-ounce glasses of water a day.

  Fact: The bottled-water industry loves this myth, but according to kidney specialist Dr. Heinz Valtin, there is no scientific evidence to support the claim.

  Myth: Diamonds are the most valuable gem.

  Fact: Carat for carat, rubies are far more valuable than diamonds.

  Myth: Ticks are insects.

  Fact: Insects have six legs and three body parts. Ticks, on the other hand, have eight legs and two body parts, which classifies them as arachnids, not insects.

  Myth: The chameleon changes color to match its background.

  Fact: Chameleons really can change color instantaneously, but it’s a reaction to fear or to extreme temperature and light changes—it has nothing to do with matching the colors of its background.

  Myth: Arabic numerals come from Arabia.

  Fact: The numbering system we use today actually originated in India. It was later brought to Arab lands, where westerners first encountered them and labeled the numbers “Arabic.”

  Impotence is grounds for divorce in 24 U.S. states.

  THE MAN FROM C.R.A.P.

  An acronym is a word made up of the initial letters of other words—and some of them end up being pretty funny. And if you don’t like them, don’t blame us—see someone at C.R.A.P. (the Committee to Resist Acronym Proliferation).

  EGADS

  Stands For: Electronic Ground Automatic Destruct System (military command given to destroy a missile already in flight)

  BOGSATT

  Stands For: Bunch Of Guys Sitting Around The Table (Pentagonese for where the important decisions are made)

  CHAOTIC

  Stands For: Computer-Human-Assisted Organization of a Technical Information Center

  LIE

  Stands For: Limited Information Estimation (it’s true)

  MANIAC

  Stands For: Mathematical Analyzer, Numerical Integrator, And Computer

  OOPS

  Stands For: Occasionless Ordered Preemptive Strike (World War III begun by accident)

  SIMPLE

  Stands For: Simulation of Industrial Management Problems with Lots of Equations

  NO FUN

  Stands For: NO First Use of Nuclear Weapons

  BUFF

  Stands For: Big Ugly Fat Fellow (Air Force slang for a B-52 bomber)

  WOMBAT

  Stands For: Waste Of Money, Brains, And Time (A computer programmer “wrestles with a wombat” when the solution proves more complex than the problem)

  OOH, OOH

  Stands For: On the One Hand, On the Other Hand

  WOE

  Stands For: Withdrawal Of Enthusiasm (The bored tone of an airline pilot’s “Welcome aboard” on the third or fourth straight flight)

  Do you get ingrown toenails? It’s hereditary—odds are someone else in your family does, too.

  I GOT IT BACK!

  Have you ever lost something special? Well, don’t give up hope—you may find it again. These folks did.

  ON GUARD

  Lost Item: A wallet

  The Story: In November 2002, a Swedish man named Holger Granlund got a call from the army saying that they had found his wallet…the one he’d lost 56 years earlier. It was found in the hayloft of a stable where Granlund had been on guard duty in 1946. Amazingly, almost everything was still in it—his driver’s license, a food ration card, and photos of young women he’d known. The only item missing: a 20-kroner bill (worth about $2).

  RING ME LATER

  Lost Item: A University of Notre Dame class ring

  The Story: When Robert Lensing graduated from Indiana’s Notre Dame University in 1959, he received the traditional sapphire class ring…which mysteriously disappeared from a jacket pocket. (He suspected his mother’s cleaning lady.) A few years later, a landscaper named Frank Foster bought a used camper from a
family in Petersburg, Indiana. Foster and his wife found the ring under some seat cushions, put it in a jewelry box, and forgot about it—for almost four decades. Not long after Foster’s wife died in 2000, he remarried. His new wife found the ring and insisted they return it to the owner. They contacted Notre Dame, who used the ring’s inscription to find Lensing, and in February 2002, 42 years after it was lost, he got his ring back. “This just shows that there’s a lot of good in people,” said Lensing.

  A NOT-SO-BRIEF CASE

  Lost Item: A briefcase

  The Story: In September 1989, Frank Keating got on a United Airlines flight from Washington, D.C., to Tulsa, Oklahoma. But, when he got off, he inadvertently left his briefcase on the plane. The airline sent it to him…in November 2002. “I had forgotten all about it,” said Keating, who had become governor of Oklahoma in the meantime. The case had been sitting on a shelf in a security closet in San Francisco. United spokesman Jeff Green said, “We’re glad we got it back to him. Sorry it took 13 years.” Contents of the case: some papers, wrapped birthday presents for his mother-in-law, and a calculator (the batteries were dead).

  Most common physical complaint in the U.S.: lower back pain.

  PYRAMID SCHEME

  Lost Item: A cat

  The Story: Cathryn Chartez really likes her cat. So much so that she took it with her on vacation to Egypt in October 2002. But the cat escaped in the Cairo airport as she was headed home to the United States. The Egyptian tourist police tried to help her find it, to no avail. Chartez went home catless. Two months later, she went back to Egypt to look for her cat again, putting up posters, taking out advertisements, and offering a $110 reward. It worked. A week later an electrical worker found the kitty hiding from the rain in a nearby terminal and notified the police…and the worker refused to accept any reward money.