Uncle John’s Unstoppable Bathroom Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  * * *

  MORE CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS

  • “Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.”

  • “Our next song is: ‘Angels We Have Heard Get High.’”

  • “The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.”

  Hummingbirds can fly upside down.

  STAR TREK WISDOM

  Is there intelligent life in TV’s outer space? You decide.

  “Is there anyone on this ship who, even remotely, looks like Satan?”

  —Kirk

  Tuvok: “The phaser beam would ricochet along an unpredictable path, possibly impacting our ship in the process.”

  Janeway: “All right, we won’t try that.”

  “Mr. Spock, the women on your planet are logical. That’s the only planet in the galaxy that can make that claim.”

  —Kirk

  “I’m a doctor, not an escalator.”

  —McCoy

  “I must say, there’s nothing like the vacuum of space for preserving a handsome corpse.”

  —Doctor

  “I’m attempting to construct a mnemonic memory circuit, using stone knives and bearskins.”

  —Spock

  “The best diplomat I know is a fully-loaded phaser bank.”

  —Scotty

  “Mr. Neelix, do you think you could possibly behave a little less like yourself?”

  —Tuvok

  “What am I, a doctor or a moon shuttle conductor?”

  —McCoy

  “Time travel, from my first day on the job I promised myself I’d never let myself get caught up in one of these God-forsaken paradoxes. The future is the past; the past is the future. It all gives me a headache.”

  —Janeway

  “It’s difficult to work in a group when you’re omnipotent.”

  —Q

  Data: “Tell me, are you using a polymer-based neuro-relay to transmit organic nerve impulses to the central processor of my positronic net?”

  Borg Queen: “Do you always talk this much?”

  “The weak innocents…they always seem to be located on the natural invasion routes.”

  —Kirk

  “I’m a doctor, not a bricklayer.”

  —McCoy

  Survival of the fittest? Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.

  WHERE THERE’S A WILL…THERE’S GRACE

  Here’s the story of a network sitcom that used laughter to overcome a social taboo.

  COMING OUT

  Primetime TV’s first homosexual character was Jodie Dallas, played by Billy Crystal on ABC’s Soap in 1977. Over the next two decades, a few shows with supporting gay characters came and went, but it wasn’t until 1998 that homosexuality on network TV made headlines.

  That April, actress and comedian Ellen DeGeneres, star of the highly rated show, Ellen, revealed a very intimate detail of her private life—she announced publicly that she’s gay. And Ellen, which had been a popular TV comedy since 1994, suddenly turned into a political forum for gay issues. Result: The ratings plummeted. Major advertisers pulled their support; outraged viewers began boycotting Disney, ABC’s parent company; and religious groups prepared for a full-scale, nationwide protest. But was it the politics that hurt the new Ellen? Critics said it was the lack of comedy that came with the politics. “We know you’re a lesbian,” British rocker Elton John said. “Now, shut up and be funny!” But Ellen wasn’t, so ABC pulled the plug.

  A NEW APPROACH

  Around the same time, David Kohan and Max Mutchnick, creators of the critically acclaimed shows Boston Common and Dream On, approached NBC with an idea for a new sitcom that would feature homosexuality. The show would be about three couples, two straight and one gay. One of the gay men (Will) was best friends with one of the straight women (Grace).

  In a surprising move, NBC brass suggested that Kohan and Mutchnick “get rid of the heterosexual couples and develop the show for Will and Grace.” But with the Ellen backlash still in the news, they had to be careful…or the new show might die a quick death. From the beginning, they knew two things would make the show successful: don’t make it just about homosexuality, and more importantly, make it funny.

  Goldilocks was originally named Silver Hair.

  SKIPPING TO THE GOOD PART

  Here’s the premise they came up with: boy meets girl, boy asks girl to marry him, boy realizes he’s gay, they overcome a tough breakup and eventually become best friends.

  Kohan, who’s straight, and Mutchnick, who’s gay, opted to fast-forward through the romance and “coming out.” The pilot episode, which aired in September 1998, began with Will Truman (played by Eric McCormack), a lawyer who’s comfortable with his homosexuality, offering his support and the spare room of his Manhattan apartment to Grace Adler (Debra Messing), a self-employed interior designer, who has recently left her fiancé at the altar.

  Grace accepts the offer, but not without attitude from Will’s flamboyant, man-chasing best friend, Jack McFarland (Sean Hayes), who was promised first dibs on the room. The fourth character in the ensemble was Karen Walker (Megan Mullally), Grace’s spoiled, smart-mouthed, pill-popping assistant.

  REELING IN THE CAST

  • Eric McCormack, best known for his role in the syndicated series Lonesome Dove: The Outlaw Years, worried about being type-cast as gay (he’s straight). But when he actually read for the part, he realized how perfect he was for the role. “Will was me in every way except sexuality,” said McCormack.

  • Debra Messing had two successive flops under her belt—Fox’s Ned & Stacey and ABC’s Prey—and was fearful of adding a third, so she rejected the offer to star. It took a house call from Mutchnick and Kohan (and a bottle of vodka) to get her onboard.

  • Sean Hayes was originally asked to read for the Will role but was out of town during the auditions. So he ended up reading for the role of Jack, which required a more in-your-face style which comes natural to Hayes. “As I was walking out of the audition,” said Hayes, “I turned around and said, ‘Hey, Max, don’t be checking out my ass.’ And they said, ‘Okay, that’s Jack McFarland.’” (In real life, Hayes keeps his sexuality a secret. “I like the mystery. When you see me play Jack, I want you to believe that that’s a gay character…when I play a straight character, I want you to believe that, too.”)

  • Megan Mullally, who had recurring roles on Seinfeld, Frasier, Just Shoot Me, and several other hit TV shows, was so underwhelmed by the role of Karen that she intentionally missed her audition. The producers called her at home and coaxed her into the studio. “At the last minute,” said Mullally, “something told me to go for it.” Good thing she did. Karen has developed a cult following that rivals Seinfeld’s Cosmo Kramer.

  In the 13th century, suits of armor weighed as much as 90 pounds.

  AGAINST THE ODDS

  Although NBC gave the show the green light, they decided not to promote it heavily and they put it in one of the toughest time slots: pitted against Fox’s Ally McBeal, a favorite among female viewers, and ABC’s Monday Night Football, the seasonal reason-to-live for many male viewers. But Will & Grace did have one very good thing going for it: longtime comedy director James Burrows. Highly regarded for his award-winning work on Cheers, Frasier, Friends, Third Rock from the Sun, Taxi, and The Mary Tyler Moore Show, Burrows equals laughs in the world of network sitcoms.

  Will & Grace became the highest rated new sitcom of the 1998 fall season, averaging 10.9 million viewers per episode. NBC quickly moved it to the coveted Thursday night at 9:00 p.m., “Must-See TV” time slot, where it has remained for six consecutive seasons.

  And all this without causing a smidgen of controversy.

  Advertisers didn’t flee; religious activist groups left it alone; no boycotts were threatened. Will & Grace had become a true crossover hit, gaining a loyal following of gay and straight viewers alike.

&
nbsp; PAVING THE WAY

  In the wake of Will & Grace’s success, other popular network shows such as Dawson’s Creek and Party of Five added gay characters and integrated gay topics into their story lines—all without incident. Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, a show where five gay men give fashion advice to straight men, debuted in 2003 as the highest-rated show in Bravo cable network history.

  In its fifth season, Will & Grace was primetime’s #3 show among adults 18 to 49 and the #2 comedy. In 2003 the show received 12 Emmy nominations, including one for outstanding casting for a comedy series, proof that a little humor really can go a long way. “The only thing we’re trying to force down people’s throats,” says Kohan, “is comedy.”

  The IRS estimates that $20–$40 billion are lost to tax fraud every year.

  CURTAINS!

  When you go to the theater, you expect to see a well-rehearsed play, but that’s not always what you get. Sometimes actors forget lines or the scenery falls and the cast has to find a way to keep the show going…sometimes with hilarious results.

  A KNOCKOUT PERFORMANCE

  During a performance of Rumplestiltskin at The Afternoon Players of Salt Lake City, the actor playing Rumplestiltskin made an unscripted leaping exit—and knocked himself out on a door frame. The actress playing the Princess had no idea that he’d been hurt. According to the plot, the Princess has to guess Rumplestiltskin’s name by midnight or he’ll take away her baby. The actress sat onstage and waited for the Rumplestiltskin character to reappear. When he didn’t, she began to improvise.

  “I wonder where that funny little man is?” she asked, loudly. “That funny little man was supposed to come back here and I was supposed to guess his name.” Still no Rumplestiltskin. While she improvised, the actors backstage were frantically trying to think of what to do. Finally two of them put on silly hats and ran onstage. “You know that funny little man?” one of them said, in a very meaningful way. “Well, he’s never coming back.”

  The Princess’s eyes widened in horror. “You mean, he’s never coming back?”

  “No. He’s never coming back.” The three stood there in dead silence. Finally the other actor spoke. “But he told us to tell you that he knew you had guessed his name. It’s Rumplestiltskin. And now you can keep your baby! Hooray!” Curtain down. End of play.

  “IT’S A MIRACLE!”

  The Miracle Worker tells the story of Helen Keller, who was deaf, dumb, and blind. In one production in the Midwest, the actor playing the Doctor was discovered to have a drinking problem. But as his character was only in the first scene, the director took pity on him and cast him anyway.

  At the start of the play, the Doctor is supposed to inform the Keller family that a fever has left their infant without the use of her eyes, ears, or vocal chords. Unfortunately, on opening night, the actor drunkenly blurted, “Mr. and Mrs. Keller, I’ve got bad news. Your daughter is…dead.”

  Going places: Americans take 215 million business trips each year.

  The other actors were stunned. If Helen was dead, the play couldn’t go on. Thinking quickly, the actress playing Mrs. Keller ad-libbed, “I think we need a second opinion.”

  The curtain came down, and the drunken actor was yanked off the stage. The stage manager put on the Doctor’s white coat and took his place on stage. When the curtain went up again, the new Doctor declared, “Your baby is alive, but she’ll be deaf, dumb, and blind for the rest of her life.”

  The actor playing Mr. Keller was so relieved to hear the correct lines that he clasped his hands together and cried, “Thank God!”

  A CROSS TO BEAR

  Every summer, Passion plays are performed throughout the South. These spectacles tell the story of Jesus using huge casts, massive sets, and lots of special effects. In one production in Texas, an actor playing a Roman guard was supposed to stab the actor playing Jesus with a spear that had a special retractable blade. Oops—the guard grabbed the wrong prop backstage and poked a real spear into Jesus’ ribcage. Jesus cried out in agony, “Jesus Christ! I’ve been stabbed!”

  The stage manager quickly brought down the curtain and called an ambulance. As sirens wailed in the distance, the curtain rose to reveal a new Jesus—a 260-pound stagehand in a loincloth.

  When the time came for him to be lifted to heaven on special ropes, the new actor said, “And now I shall ascend!” The ropes were attached to a special counterweight system—that had been rigged for a man who weighed 100 pounds less. The stagehand pulling the rope couldn’t lift him. He added more weights to the system as the actor repeated, “And now I shall ascend.” This time Jesus was lifted a few feet above the cross, but quickly dropped back down again. The desperate stagehand quickly put all the weights he could find onto the system and pulled the rope as the actor playing Jesus said, “And now I shall…AAAAIIIIEEEEE!”

  Jesus’ scream could be heard across town as he was catapulted straight up into the metal grid at the top of the theater and knocked senseless.

  Another ambulance was called, and the show was canceled.

  WHOOSH! Olympic downhill skiers reach 80 mph.

  POP CULTURE QUIZ

  So you’re an avid bathroom reader and you think you know a thing or two. Well, see if you can match wits with Uncle John—he knew almost all of these.

  1. What beer did E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial drink in the 1982 film?

  a) Budweiser b) Miller Genuine Draft c) Coors Light d) Milwaukee’s Best

  2. What country’s flag consists of one solid color?

  a) Zimbabwe b) Costa Rica c) Greece d) Libya

  3. Whose autobiography is entitled Wheel of Fortune?

  a) Pat Sajak b) Vanna White c) Edith Piaf d) B. F. Goodrich

  4. What’s an ananym?

  a) A name someone uses to remain anonymous

  b) A name spelled backward

  c) A word that means the opposite of another word

  d) A quotation that precedes a book, chapter, or article

  5. How long did the 1991 Persian Gulf War last?

  a) 32 days—January 16 to February 17

  b) 39 days—January 16 to February 24

  c) 43 days—January 16 to February 28

  d) 54 days—January 16 to March 11

  6. Who was the first ghost to visit Scrooge in Charles Dickens’s A Christmas Carol?

  a) Bob Cratchit b) Jacob Marley c) The Ghost of Christmas Past d) Tiny Tim

  7. The first African American to win a Nobel prize for peace:

  a) Ralph Bunche b) Martin Luther King Jr. c) Frederick Douglass d) Louis Armstrong

  Big Bird’s address: 123 1/2 Sesame Street (Zip Code unknown).

  8. In Denmark, the “Peanuts” comic strip is known as:

  a) “Karl Brun und Venindes” b) “Horned Toads” c) “Gud Gryf” d) “Radishes”

  9. Who once boxed under the name “Packy East?”

  a) Frank Sinatra b) Bob Hope c) Mickey Rourke d) Ronald Reagan

  10. What is the name of the dog on the box of Cracker Jacks?

  a) Crackers b) Bozo c) Bingo d) Porter

  11. When M&Ms introduced their blue candies in 1995, what color did they discontinue?

  a) tan b) orange c) purple d) white

  12. Who was the shortest Beatle?

  a) John b) Paul c) George d) Ringo

  13. The only member of the Lord of the Rings movie cast to have actually met the author of the books, J. R. R. Tolkien, was:

  a) Ian Holm (Bilbo Baggins) b) Ian McKellan (Gandalf) c) Christopher Lee (Saruman) d) John Rhys-Davies (Gimli)

  14. What does the “L” stand for in Samuel L. Jackson’s name?

  a) Lawrence b) Leroy c) Luscious d) Nothing—he has no middle name, but added an initial for “mystique.”

  Answers

  1. c; 2. d; 3. c (Piaf was a French singer, known as “The Little Sparrow.”); 4. b (Ananyms are often used as pseudonyms, as in Oprah Winfrey’s production company: Harpo); 5. c; 6. b; 7. a; 8. d; 9. b; 10. c; 11. a; 12. d (He’s 5'8". He
’s also the oldest, born on July 7, 1940.); 13. c (Lee also knew the books better than anyone else on the set, and was a creative consultant to director Peter Jackson.); 14. b.

  The Cartheginians fought off Roman ships in 300 B.C. by catapulting live snakes at them.

  “PAGING MR. POST”

  The funeral business (known as “the dismal trade” in the 18th century) necessarily deals with concepts that many people find distasteful. That led to the evolution of a unique set of euphemisms in the death biz.

  Passed into the arms of God. Dead. Other euphemisms: passed away, gone to meet his/her Maker, expired, deceased.

  Temporary preservation. Embalming—the common treatment of dead bodies in which bodily fluids are replaced with preservative fluid. Other euphemisms: sanitary treatment, hygienic treatment.

  Grief therapy. The “therapeutic” effect of having an expensive funeral “viewing.”

  Burn and scatter. Slang for services that scatter cremated remains at sea. Also known as bake and shake.

  Casket coach. Hearse.

  Consigned to earth. Buried.

  Pre-need sales. Funeral services sold to someone who hasn’t died yet.

  Corpse cooler. A specialized coffin with a window, once used to preserve the body for viewing. An ice compartment kept the corpse cool.

  Interment space. A grave. Used in phrases such as opening the interment space (digging the grave) and closing the interment space (filling the grave).

  Cremains. Cremated remains; ashes.

  Babyland. The part of a cemetery reserved for small children and infants.

  Slumber room. The room in which the loved one’s body is displayed.

  Memorial park. Cemetery.

  Lawn-type cemetery. A cemetery that bans headstones in favor of ground markers, allowing caretakers to simply mow the lawn rather than trim each grave by hand.

  Funeral director. Undertaker.

  O-sign. A dead body sometimes displays what hospital workers call the “O-sign,” meaning the mouth is hanging open, forming an “O.” The “Q-sign” is the same—but with the tongue hanging out.