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Uncle John’s Unstoppable Bathroom Reader

Page 24

by Bathroom Readers' Institute


  Gotta hand it to her: Queen Elizabeth I owned 2,000 pairs of gloves.

  Protective caskets. Coffin sealed with rubber gaskets to keep out bugs and other invaders. Unfortunately, methane gas has been known to build up inside such caskets, causing them to explode and spew out their contents. This prompted the introduction of burping caskets that allow gas to escape.

  Grief counselor. Mortuary salesperson.

  Mr. Post. Morgue attendant. Used by many hospitals to page the morgue when a body has to be removed from a room.

  Nose squeezer. Flat-topped coffin.

  Beautiful memory picture. An embalmed body displayed in an expensive casket.

  Body. This term for a dead person is generally discouraged, along with corpse. Preferred: the dead person’s name, or remains.

  Plantings. Graves.

  Selection room. Room in which buyers look at displayed caskets. This term replaces back room, showroom, casket room.

  Companion space. An over/under grave set for husband-and-wife couples; one body is placed deep in the ground and the second buried above it.

  * * *

  LET’S DO ANOTHER STUDY

  • Colorado State University scientists concluded that Western Civilization causes acne.

  • A 2003 study carried out by scientists at Edinburgh University found that fish feel pain.

  • In 1994 the Japanese meteorological agency concluded a seven-year study into whether or not earthquakes are caused by catfish wiggling their tails. (They’re not.)

  • Physicists at the University of Nijmegen in the Netherlands released a report in 2000 on their study of diamagnetics, during which they claimed to have “levitated” a frog, a grasshopper, a pizza…and a sumo wrestler.

  “His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” —Mae West

  THE SANTA CHRONICLES

  You probably don’t give Santa a second look when you see him in a department store or on a street corner every December…but maybe you should.

  SANTA COPS

  By December 2001, Mafia fugitive Francesco Farina had been on the run from Sicilian police for more than five years. Holed up in what he thought was a great hideout—a flat in downtown Catania—Farina was able to look out his window and see whether the cops were closing in on him. But all he saw were the regular assortment of Christmas shoppers, schoolchildren, and a Santa Claus ho-ho-hoing on the street corner. A few days before Christmas, thinking the coast was clear, Farina decided to go out on the town. Bad idea: the guy in the red suit wasn’t Santa after all. A succession of surveillance cops dressed as Santa had kept their eyes on Farina, who ended up spending Christmas in jail.

  SANTA’S FISTS OF FURY

  An unidentified Santa was cruising down a LeHigh Acres, Florida, street in his convertible when he was approached by 20-year-old Jonathan Danzey, who asked Santa for a present. Informed that there was nothing for him in Santa’s sack, Danzey got angry. Words were exchanged, Santa got out of the car, and Danzey tried to punch him. According to Katherine Phillips, who witnessed the altercation, “Santa Claus whipped his butt.” He ripped Danzey’s shirt, knocked him to the ground, and then drove away. The cops soon arrived and arrested Danzey on drunk and disorderly charges. “He won,” Danzey conceded, “but he was stronger and more soberer.”

  SANTAS ON THE RUN

  One of the oddest sights in the history of sports took place in Newtown, Wales, in December 2002. More than 1,000 runners—both male and female—participated in a four-mile race for charity…all dressed in full Santa Claus garb: black boots, red pants, red coat, and a big white beard. Said one of the runners: “It’s a lot easier to run in a Santa suit than to try to hold a normal conversation in one.”

  Two states, Oregon and Michigan, provide the majority of the nation’s Christmas trees.

  SANTA PROTESTORS

  What if Santa were banned from Christmas? That’s what they tried to do in the small town of Kensington, Maryland, in 2001. Some of the townspeople complained that it made them feel uncomfortable having a “religious figure” participate in the annual tree-lighting ceremony, so the town fathers decided to ask Santa to stay home. Unfortunately, not everyone in town agreed with the decision. Result: 50 Santas showed up and marched on City Hall. Proand anti-Santa factions clashed; one Santa was arrested.

  SANTA MELTDOWN

  Shortly before Christmas in 1999, Kelley Fornatoro placed her 19-month-old son next to Santa for a holiday portrait in a Woodland Hills, California, shopping mall. The baby immediately started crying. So Fornatoro suggested that Santa put his arm around the boy to calm him down. That’s when Santa had a fit of his own. “I will not imprison your child!” he yelled at her. “Was it worth it for you to torture your child for a picture? You must be an evil person.” As Fornatoro retrieved her baby, she said she’d be filing a formal complaint. “You can complain about me if you want, but I am Santa Claus. I am the best person in the world!” Then he got really mad. While parents rushed to cover their shocked children’s eyes, Santa began undressing. He took off his hat, beard, wig, coat, and belt, and was down to his red, baggy pants and a tank top when security guards escorted him out of the building.

  THE SANTA

  In a quest to find Great Britain’s ultimate Santa, organizers at Guinness World Records sponsored the first-ever “Santathon” in December 2001. The event included a field of eight top contenders donned in full beards, red suits, and black boots. Competitive events included sack hauling, pie eating, chimney climbing, stocking filling, and ho-ho-hoing. First prize was awarded to David Broughton-Davis, 43, from Croydon, a professional department store Santa. “I’m not very proud to admit that my best event was eating three large mince pies,” Broughton-Davis lamented after being awarded the Golden Boots trophy. “I just wish that event hadn’t taken place before the chimney climb. It was hard on the stomach.”

  The S.S. in a ship’s name stands for “steamship.”

  ANIMAL NAME ORIGINS

  When we came up with the idea for this page we figured that after 15 Bathroom Readers, we must have done it before. We were wrong.

  GORILLA

  “First used in a Greek translation of 5th century BC Carthaginian explorer Hanno’s account of a voyage to West Africa. He reported encountering a tribe of wild hairy people, whose females were, according to a local interpreter, called gorillas. In 1847 the American missionary and scientist Thomas Savage adopted the word as the species name of the great ape and by the 1850s it had passed into general use.” (From Dictionary of Word Origins, by John Ayto)

  FERRET

  “Ferret comes from Latin furritus, for ‘little thief,’ which probably alludes to the fact that ferrets, which are related to pole cats, like to steal hens’ eggs. Its name also developed into a verb, to ferret out, meaning ‘to dig out or bring something to light.’” (From Cool Cats, Top Dogs, and Other Beastly Expressions, by Christine Ammer)

  SKUNK

  “Because the little striped mammal could squirt his foul yellow spray up to 12 feet, American Indians called him segankw, or segonku, the Algonquin dialect word meaning simply ‘he who squirts.’ Early pioneers corrupted the hard-to-pronounce Algonquin word to skunk, and that way it has remained ever since.” (From Animal Crackers, by Robert Hendrickson)

  HOUND

  “Before the Norman conquest of England, French hunters bred a keen-nosed dog that they called the St. Hubert. One of their rulers, William, took a pack to England and hunted deer—following the dogs on foot. Saxons had never before seen a dog fierce enough to seize its prey, so they named William’s animals hunts, meaning ‘seizure.’ Altered over time to hound, it was long applied to all hunting dogs. Then the meaning narrowed to stand for breeds that follow their quarry by scent.” (From Why You Say It, by Webb Garrison)

  Literally translated, hors d’oeuvre means “outside of work.”

  LEOPARD

  “It was once wrongly believed that the leopard was a cross between a ‘leo’ (a lion) and a
‘pard’ (a white panther)—hence the name ‘leopard.’” (From Why Do We Say It?, by Nigel Rees)

  PYTHON

  “According to Greek legend, the god Apollo’s earliest adventure was the single-handed slaying of Python, a flame-breathing dragon who blocked his way to Pytho (now Delphi), the site he had chosen for an oracle. From the name of this monster derives the name of the large snake of Asia, Africa, and Australia, the python.” (From Thou Improper, Thou Uncommon Noun, by Willard R. Espy)

  CARDINAL

  “One would think that such an attractive creature would have given its name to many things, but in fact it is the other way around. The bird’s name comes from the red-robed official of the Roman Catholic Church, who in turn was named for being so important—that is, from the adjective cardinal, from the Latin cardo, meaning ‘hinge’ or ‘pivot.’ Anything cardinal was so important that events depended (hinged or pivoted) on it.” (From It’s Raining Cats and Dogs, by Christine Ammer)

  MOOSE

  “Captain John Smith, one of the original leaders at Jamestown, wrote accounts of the colony and life in Virginia, in which he defined the creature as Moos, a beast bigger than a stagge. Moos was from Natick (Indian) dialect and probably derived from moosu, ‘he trims, he shaves,’ a reference to the way the animal rips the bark and lower branches from trees while feeding.” (From The Chronology of Words and Phrases, by Linda and Roger Flavell)

  FLAMINGO

  “This long-legged pink wading bird is named for the people of Flanders, the Flemings, as they were called. Flemings were widely known for their lively personalities, their flushed complexions, and their love of bright clothing. Spaniard explorers in the New World thought it was a great joke naming the bird flamingo, which means ‘a Fleming’ in Spanish.” (From Facts On File Encyclopedia of Word and Phrase Origins, by Robert Hendrickson)

  Florence, Italy, was the first city to have all of its streets paved…in 1339 B.C.

  BIRTH OF THE BAGEL

  Uncle John was in his office munching on a bagel (toasted, with cream cheese) when he realized that the last time he wrote about that fabulous food was all the way back in the very first Bathroom Reader! And that wasn’t the (w)hole story!

  WHAT EXACTLY IS A BAGEL?

  There are lots of different kinds of bagels made today, but to the purist, real bagels contain only flour, water, yeast, malt, and salt. No sugar, no eggs, no raisins, no onions, no sesame seeds, no cinnamon, no garlic, no jalapeño peppers, no cheddar cheese, and no sun-dried tomatoes.

  The dough is rolled into a cylinder and then twisted into a ring with a hole in the middle. The rings are allowed to rise, and then (the key to making real bagels) they’re cooked quickly in boiling water before they’re baked. The boiling process gelatinizes the gluten in the dough, giving the bagel its unique hard and shiny surface and thus sealing the inside to preserve its density and chewiness.

  WHERE DID BAGELS COME FROM?

  Bagels are believed to have been invented in the 17th century, but there is some debate about their exact origin. They might be Polish—text from Kraków, Poland, written in 1610 refers to beygls being good gifts for new mothers—possibly because they make good teething rings, which many people still use them for today.

  Another theory says that an Austrian baker wanted to make a gift for King John III Sobieski of Poland after he saved the city of Vienna from Turkish invaders in 1683. King John was famous for his horsemanship, so the baker made a roll in the shape of a stirrup. (Bagels used to be much thinner, with bigger holes.) The Austrian-German word for stirrup: beugel, or bügel.

  However they began, bagels were a hit. They spread all through Eastern Europe over the next two centuries—even into Russia, where they were called bubliki. Many different peoples baked bagels in the old days, but over time, Jewish bakers became bagel specialists.

  French flies: Entomophagy is the practice of eating insects.

  BAGELS IN THE NEW WORLD

  In the 1880s, thousands of eastern European Jews emigrated to North America, bringing the bagel with them. The chewy bread soon became a staple in stores and street markets on New York’s Lower East Side, as well as in Montreal and Toronto. (Each of these cities claims to have the best bagels today.)

  In 1907 the International Bakers Union was founded in New York City. By 1915 bagels had become so popular that bagel-makers formed their own union: Bagel Bakers Local #338. It was a very exclusive group (the only way to get in was to be the son of one of the 300 members). Their recipes were closely guarded secrets, and bagel-baking techniques—hand rolling and twisting—remained unchanged for decades.

  THE THOMPSON MACHINE

  It wasn’t until the early 1960s that this process changed. Dan Thompson—whose father started baking bagels in Los Angeles in the 1920s—started tinkering with a bagel-making contraption after watching his dad try in vain to invent one. In 1963 he succeeded. The Thompson Bagel Making Machine was the first commercially-practical bagel-making device. Using nonunion, unskilled workers, Thompson’s machine could make over 1,000 bagels an hour.

  Who leased the first one? Lender’s Bagels, a small shop that had been in operation in New Haven, Connecticut, since 1927. In 1963 they were going into the frozen bagel business, and Dan Thompson’s invention came along at just the right time. Lender’s Bagels became a familiar item in supermarkets across the country, and Lender’s became the biggest bagel maker in the world.

  MODERN-DAY BAGELS

  Today there are bagel shops all over the country and bagels come in all different flavors, shapes, and sizes: there are chocolate-chip bagels, spinach bagels, pumpkin bagels, miniature bagels, pizza bagels, and even square bagels. Bagel-making machines can now turn out more than 50,000 bagels an hour.

  But nostalgia is affecting business today too, so many shops have gone back to the old style, making all their bagels by hand or with simple machines, boiling them in a bagel kettle, and using the simple authentic recipe. If you ever get to Englewood, New Jersey, stop by Englewood Hot Bagels. That’s where Uncle John got his bagels as a boy, and he hasn’t found a better one since. Enjoy.

  Price of an Alberta Ferretti hamster-fur skirt suit in 2000: $6,300.

  BAGEL BITS

  • Classic combo: Cream cheese was invented in 1872; Philadelphia Cream Cheese hit the market in 1880. But it wasn’t until Joseph and Isaac Breakstone began selling their Breakstone Cream Cheese brand in 1920 that New York bagel eaters discovered it—and cream cheese became the bagel spread.

  • In 2000 several rioters at a Fourth of July celebration in Morristown, New Jersey, were arrested for throwing “dangerous” projectiles into the crowd and at police. The projectiles: “batteries, golf balls, and stale bagels.”

  • According to the Guinness Book of World Records, the world’s largest bagel was made by Larry Wilkerson and Jeff Maninfior in 1998, at the Lender’s Bagel Bakery in Mattoon, Illinois. Weight: 714 pounds. Diameter: 6 feet. Flavor: blueberry.

  • During the 2002 American League Championship Series between the New York Yankees and Anaheim Angels, Anaheim mayor Tom Daly bet New York mayor Michael Bloomberg a crate of oranges and chilies that the Angels would win. Bloomberg’s bet: a crate of Nathan’s hot dogs and 48 H&H bagels. (Daly won.)

  • In 2002 John and Cecelia O’Hare sued a McDonald’s restaurant in Panama City Beach, Florida, claiming that an improperly cooked bagel damaged Mr. O’Hare’s teeth…and somehow ruined their marriage as well. They sued for $15,000 in damages. (Case pending.)

  * * *

  BIRTH OF A STRANGE LAW

  To attract patrons to his circus, P. T. Barnum would often hitch a plow to an elephant and have it work fields next to the big top. One farmer got so angry about his field being torn up that he pushed a bill through the state legislature. To this day it’s illegal to plow a field with an elephant in North Carolina.

  Q: Why did the pony speak softly? A: Because it was a little hoarse.

  ON TOUR WITH ELVIS

  Next time you�
�re traveling, here are some Elvis-related sites to see.

  MISSISSIPPI-ALABAMA FAIRGROUND

  Address: West Main and Mulberry Alley, Tupelo, Mississippi

  Claim to Fame: Site of the King’s very first public performance on October 3, 1945, when he was only 10 years old. His teacher entered him in a talent contest—he sang a song titled “Old Shep” and won $5.

  OVERTON SHELL

  Address: 1928 Popular Ave., Memphis, Tennessee

  Claim to Fame: The first place Elvis “the Pelvis” swiveled his hips—on July 30, 1954. Also, his first paid performance, which explains why he swiveled—he was scared. “He said he thought he was gonna faint out there on stage,” recalled singer Webb Pierce. “So he started flapping his legs, just to keep from passing out. Then he noticed the crowd reacting to it, so he just kept doing it.”

  SUN STUDIO

  Address: 706 Union Ave., Memphis, Tennessee

  Claim to Fame: The place where Elvis recorded his very first single, “That’s All Right,” on July 5, 1954.

  LAS VEGAS HILTON

  Address: 3000 S. Paradise Rd. (Elvis usually stayed in the Presidential Suite on the 30th floor.)

  Claim to Fame: Elvis was notorious for shooting appliances, TVs (especially if Robert Goulet was on), and just about anything else. In 1974 he squeezed off a round at a light switch in the Presidential Suite and nearly hit his girlfriend, Linda Thompson. After that Elvis changed the rules. “We’re in the penthouse,” he reminded his entourage, “nobody’s gonna get hit as long as you shoot straight up.”

  MARKET SQUARE ARENA

  Address: 300 East Market St., Indianapolis, Indiana

  What do Rush Limbaugh and Howard Stern have in common? Both were born on January 12.

  Claim to Fame: Site of Elvis’s last concert, on June 26, 1977. He died less than two months later, on August 16. The arena has since been torn down and replaced by a parking lot.

 

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