Eye of the Beholder

by Jackie Weger

  “Gage!” she cried, her voice small, vanishing as his tongue dipped into a most intimate crevice. He ignored her protests. Something extraordinary seemed to be happening inside her. Air escaped her lungs, blood seemed to suffuse her head, her muscles rippled as if they were separate entities borne haphazardly on a sudden wind; an unfamiliar interior fluttering seemed to warn her of something about to take place, some desperate event needing completing. A sensation, unlike anything she’d ever experienced pierced her brain, then radiated out until all of her being was seized, frozen. There was a tremendous swelling, a building pressure in her loins, and a startled cry broke from her throat as the immense feeling savagely exploded.

  She was dying, separating into different selves, she could scarcely breathe. She felt all at once lighter and limp as boiled noodles.

  As if attuned to the shuddering waves, Gage whispered, “Darling… finally…”

  She wondered how he could know, feeling as if the secret was exposed, on display. She touched his face with her fingertips, whispered his name.

  He came up over her, kissing her breasts, her throat, her mouth so that she opened to his thrusting presence, captured by the hardness riding between her thighs. Whatever had happened inside her body seemed to have created in him a surging ardor, some higher level of stimulation. She gave herself up to him and closed her mind to all else.

  — • —

  “I thought I was dying,” Phoebe said in an awed, ragged voice that was hers but not hers. Gage had tilted the lamp shade so that the circle of light was aimed outward and they lay within softly lit shadows. Phoebe risked a look at him. His eyes were narrowed, he was smiling at her.

  “Somethin’s funny?”

  “Nope. I’m happy. Would you rather I frowned?”

  “You don’t look happy. You look smug. Do you know what happened to me?”

  “Sure do.”

  She let her gaze wander over his face, reading every nuance of his expression, searching for truth. “Does it happen to you? Every time?”

  “Sure does.”

  “I don’t think I could bear it again.”

  “Oh? That’s too bad. Most women suffer themselves to get used to it.”

  “Most women? What most women?”

  “Tell you what. I’ll buy twin beds for after we’re married. That way you won’t be tempted.”

  “But I like bein’ in bed with you. I like—I ain’t spendin’ my whole married life in separate beds. Anyway, it just took me by surprise. I didn’t know there was more than…than what I’d already felt.”

  “What’s the solution then? I don’t want to force you to do something you find unbearable.” As if the subject were finished, he lifted her hand and inspected her ring finger. “Remind me, I’ll measure this with a string tomorrow.”

  “I could get used to it.”

  “I don’t want to buy something that doesn’t fit.”

  “I didn’t think I was really goin’ to die.”

  “White gold, I think.”

  Phoebe jerked her hand from his. “Pay attention!”

  “Attention? Oh, you mean like this?” He secured her body to his with a powerful arm, savoring the prominence of her pelvic bones pressed to his.

  “I’m thinkin’ I could probably bear it if it happened again.”

  He played with her body, probed and kissed and caressed her, offering her pleasure, torture. “Just tell me if it gets to be unbearable and I’ll stop.”

  “If you stop,” Phoebe said, meaning it, “I’ll go out and buy those twin beds myself.”

  — • —

  Up until Friday afternoon Phoebe felt she was dangling on a string from heaven. The crab catches continued to be profitable. She’d divided with Gage, and still she had a hundred dollars. It was more money than she’d ever had left over at the end of a week. She kept going into her room and reaching beneath the pillow for her purse just to take the bills out and count them.

  She hadn’t yet mentioned the imminent arrival of the remaining members of her family. Ma would be expecting to live in Gage’s house, but Phoebe could see now that wasn’t going to work. She and Gage hardly had privacy to snatch a stolen kiss during the day as it was. With Ma and Pa and Erlene underfoot, even nights would be impossible. Especially with Erlene, who had a tendency to wander. Still, Ma couldn’t take care of Erlene and Pa and Maydean and Willie-Boy by herself. The dilemma preyed on her mind.

  Maybe, she thought, Vinnie would begrudge the bus fare and decide Ma and Pa could stay on. It was a dim hope, but that at least would give Phoebe time to sort it all out. Time to put by enough money to get Ma started in her own place, one close enough that Phoebe could be of help. She wished Vinnie and Joey had a telephone. She’d go this minute and call and tell Ma to stay put. But they didn’t and all that was left to her was to get the house ready, and to tell Gage.

  But no matter how she practiced the words in her mind, in his presence they refused to be uttered. She was caught hopelessly in the undertow of love, wanting to do nothing to jeopardize the happiness of the moment.

  “I have the urge to step out tonight,” Gage said when he came into the house for a glass of ice water.

  “I don’t hold with a man goin’ out and leavin’ his intended long-jawed and mopin’.”

  “Long-jawed and moping.” Gage laughed. “I don’t think I hold with it myself. Anyhow, I don’t dare leave you alone. You might find some other man to drive out of his mind. What do you say we go into Mobile, treat the kids to a movie while we window shop?”

  “After supper?”

  “Let’s just make an evening of it. Eat at McDonald’s. Dorie likes hamburgers and I want to soften her up before I mention getting married.”

  “I imagine she’ll take it okay. She likes me. She likes Maydean and Willie-Boy. And I just know she’s going to like Ma and Pa and Erlene.”

  “Dorie does seem to stay in Maydean’s pocket, so to speak. I guess it’s good for her. I wouldn’t mind if Willie-Boy and Maydean finished out the summer with us.”

  “You wouldn’t?”

  “If your folks don’t mind.”

  “I don’t think they’ll mind. As a matter of fact…” Her hand fluttered as if to erase her unspoken thought.

  Gage had the impression that Phoebe was concentrating hard on the moment while another part of her was staring into something of such compelling importance it couldn’t be ignored. A personal vision, zealously guarded. He waited for her to go on, but when she didn’t he said, “As a matter of fact, what?”

  “Oh, nothing. I’d better get the clothes off the line, round up everybody. What time do you want us ready?”

  “About five.”

  When she came out of the laundry room with the empty clothes basket he stopped her. “Phoebe, what’s on your mind?”

  “Gettin’ the clothes folded and put away.”

  “Look, we’re going to be learning things about each other the rest of our lives. At least, I hope we are. But one thing we have to have from the start is trust. So why don’t you trust me with whatever is bothering you?”

  Phoebe exhaled. “Nothin’s botherin’ me. I’m just a worrier is all.” The lie slipped off her tongue like the devil was hauling on it.

  “Are you having second thoughts about getting married? About me? Was I too rough last—”

  Phoebe threw her arms around him and pressed her face into his chest. “I love you more than myself. I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want anythin’ to happen—”

  “Is that all? You’re not going to lose me—unless you beat me to death with that clothes bask—”

  “Are y’all kissin’?”

  They jerked apart. “Where’d you come from, Willie-Boy?”

  “Nowhere. Were you trying to kiss Phoebe? BoBo Gardner tried to kiss her once and she threw a pot of beans on him.”

  “I hope I don’t suffer the same fate.”

  “I got work to do,” said Phoebe. “Willie-Boy, you find Dorie and
Maydean. Gage is treatin’ all of you to a movie.”

  Willie-Boy turned pale. “No!”

  Gage laughed. “Yes.”

  “I only been to a movie once and I was too little to remember.” He sprawled on the porch. “I’ve got to lay down here and savor my good fortune.”

  “Savor your good fortune?” Gage repeated. “That’s a mouthful.”

  “That’s what Pa says. He sets in his rocking chair and savors his good fortune.”

  “What else does your dad do?”

  “What Ma tells him to.”

  “The Hawley women might like to rule the roost, but one of them better keep in mind I’m a man who rules his own roost.”

  — • —

  The shopping mall proved to be an adventure in prudence and self-control. Phoebe held tightly to her purse full of money against every lure and inducement.

  There were candy shops, ice-cream parlors, dress shops, gold shops, shoe shops, toy shops, beauty shops, pet stores, book stores, and department stores with counter after counter of cosmetics from which they had to drag Maydean. McDonald’s was at one end of the mall, the movie theater at the other. Gage bought the movie tickets and passed out cash for popcorn and soft drinks.

  “Those kids are gonna be sick,” warned Phoebe. Willie-Boy was so excited she feared an attack of asthma.

  “I’ll do my breathing exercises, I promise,” he wailed.

  “I’ll take care of him,” insisted Dorie.

  Phoebe gave in, but waited outside the theater ten minutes on the chance he’d swoon and have to be carried out.

  “I’m going to Penny’s to pick out a suit,” Gage said.

  “I’ll come with you.”

  “No you won’t. I like to buy my own clothes. I’ll meet you back here in an hour.”

  The beauty shop lured Phoebe like a magnet. She stood outside and watched men and women coming out looking groomed and happy. Not a frowner in the bunch. She had her hair cut in the manner suggested by the stylist. She walked out of the shop with her curls tamed and hugging her head. She stopped in front of every display window admiring her reflection. Tilting her head this way and that until a sales clerk came out and asked did she want to try it on.

  “What?”

  “The dress. It’s made for you.”

  Phoebe refocused her attention beyond her own reflection. The outfit was the most exquisite she’d ever seen. A lacy cream colored blouse tucked into a skirt beneath which peeked a matching slip trimmed in eyelet. She saw herself in the dress standing next to Gage in front of the preacher. “How much is it?”

  “Why don’t you try it on,” the saleslady coaxed. “It’s on sale.”

  “I like a bargain,” said Phoebe. The lace on the blouse draped her shoulders and enhanced her slender neck. The sale price was fifty-nine dollars plus tax. Heart thudding and feeling faint Phoebe parted with the money—more money than she’d ever spent on a single garment in her life. She went back to the bench in front of the theater, waited for Gage, closed her eyes and prayed for the next morning to produce the best crab catch in existence.

  “Phoebe! What’ve you done to your hair?”

  “Had it tamed.”

  “You sure did.”

  “You don’t like it?”

  “I like it fine. It makes you look…elegant.”

  Phoebe’s eyes burned with pleasure, but her mouth turned down at the corners. “I bought my wedding dress.”

  “Don’t sound so terrible about it. Let me see.”

  “Can’t. That’s bad luck. Anyway, I might want to take it back. Did you get a suit?”

  “I got fitted for one. Come on. Let’s browse—”

  “I ain’t movin’ off this bench.” She had twenty-one dollars left to her name and she was determined not to be parted from another dime. She had three good reasons in the back of her mind why she should return at once to the dress shop and get her money back. They were Ma, Pa and Erlene.

  “You’re the unhappiest bride-to-be I’ve ever seen,” Gage accused.

  Phoebe forced her most winning smile. “I’m just nervous. I ain’t never been married before.”

  Gage put his arm around her and drew her close. “It’s not going to be much different from the way we’re living now.”

  Oh, yes it is, thought Phoebe.

  — • —

  Deep into the night Phoebe made love to Gage with an uncommon frenzy. She kissed his toes, his knees, explored every line and tendon of his body as if driven by necessity to commit the whole of him to memory.

  At one point he took her hands into his, halting her. “Darling, we have an entire lifetime.”

  “Promise you’ll love me no matter what.”

  “The vows go for better or for worse.”

  “Suppose with me it’s worse.”

  “With you my life is nothing but better. Speaking of which, some things are better done slowly. Lie back. Loving you is one of them.”

  Chapter Nine

  At breakfast Gage made the announcement. “What do you kids think? Phoebe and I are going to be married.”

  Maydean was speechless.

  Willie-Boy said, “Does that mean you won’t have time to teach me to ride my bike today?”

  Dorie cut a conspirator’s glance at Phoebe. “That’s nice, Daddy. Maydean’s gonna be my aunt.”

  Gage leaned back in his chair. “I don’t know why, but I did expect some banshee yelling—”

  Phoebe couldn’t put it off another minute. “And Ma and Pa and Erlene are coming.” It felt so good to finally get the words out she sagged against the sink counter.

  “When?” yelled Willie-Boy. “Oh, I miss Ma somethin’ hurtful!”

  “I don’t know yet,” said Phoebe, which was the truth, because she hadn’t yet called the Greyhound bus station for the time the bus from Cottontown arrived.

  Maydean found her tongue, directing her question to Gage. “It’s okay with you if Ma and Pa and Erlene come?”

  “It’s fine. I want to meet them. And if you and Willie-Boy want, you can stay with Phoebe and myself until school starts.”

  “I never want to leave,” said Willie-Boy. “Ma won’t either when--”

  “Willie-Boy!” Phoebe interrupted. “You can help me harvest crabs this mornin’.”

  Dorie got up and went to stand at her father’s elbow. “Phoebe said she’d get me a real baby.”

  “I’m goin’ crabbin’ now!” Phoebe grabbed her hat with one hand, Willie-Boy with the other.

  Gage was out the door on her heels. “Get the chicks some water, Willie-Boy, I want to have a private word with your sister. A real baby, eh?” he said to Phoebe after the boy made himself scarce.

  “By ’n’ by, is what I meant.”

  “Is it? You and Dorie must’ve had a nice little chat.”

  “I didn’t want to get my heart set on you and then have Dorie dragging about unhappy.”

  “You stole my thunder.”

  “I didn’t know you wanted to do the tellin’.”

  “I’m the head of this house.”

  “Bein’ partners is better.”

  “Okay, but I’m the head of this partnership. If it happens there’s any news such as any more little Morgans, I want to be the first to know.”

  “You will be.”

  “Have you got anything else up your sleeve?”

  “Lor! What makes you say that?”

  “Your chin’s coming at me.”

  “Can’t think of anythin’.”

  “I’m not a man who likes surprises, Phoebe. They’re never in my favor.”

  “I’ll remember,” Phoebe said and sat down on the stoop to tie her shoelaces.

  “Well, since we’re officially engaged, I’m going to make you a present of the crab business.”

  Phoebe kept sitting, she didn’t trust herself to stand. “You are?” She could see herself getting rich on her own account. “First thing I’m gonna do is buy you a wedding ring.”

  �
��To match the one you’ve put in my nose? No thank you. Can’t wear rings doing the work I do.”

  “What can I give you then?”

  “What you’ve been giving me. Yourself.”

  Phoebe tilted her head and lowered her lashes. “You want to go crabbin’ with me this mornin’?”

  “No more boat gymnastics. You’re trying to put me on crutches.”

  “We can just—”

  “No. You’ve moved into my brain as it is. My body can’t keep up. Now, go harvest your crabs before I end up in a wheelchair.” He started to walk away, then turned. “What I’m looking forward to…is going to bed with you, waking up with you. I never had that with Velma. She wanted the romance, but not—”

  “Gage? Is Velma going to be living with us?”

  He shook his head. “No. She’s gone. It’s just you and me, and Dorie.”

  And Ma and Pa and Erlene and Maydean and Willie-Boy, thought Phoebe. Dear heavenly Father, what am I going to do?

  — • —

  As soon as she returned from selling her crabs, Phoebe called the Greyhound bus station. No buses came to Bayou La Batre. The bus station was in Mobile and the bus from Cottontown was expected at four forty-five.

  After putting it off and putting it off, at three-thirty she went out to the gate shack. Between helping customers, Gage was teaching Willie-Boy how to ride the bicycle he’d put together.

  “I want to go into Mobile,” she said.

  “Shopping again?”

  “I just want to go.”

  “For what?”

  “Will you keep an eye on the kids?”

  “What’s the mystery?”

  “It’s no mystery to me. I just want to go by myself.” She could explain everything to Ma, so Ma wouldn’t be expecting to live under the same roof.

  Gage gave her a puzzled look, then locked the gate shack. “Let’s go talk about this. You’ve been acting funny.”