Dark Diary

by Anastasia,P.

  “You cannot say such things!” I tried to make my voice gruffer and my grasp on her firmer. “You don’t know how hard it is. What a struggle it is to contain the horrible things my body craves. What sins I imagine against my will—things I have no right to consider.”

  “God would not have given us hearts if he did not want them to love,” she said, trying to smile through her discomfort. My grasp on her weakened. “And he would not have sparked a fire inside you without a purpose for its warmth.”

  She was right, no less, but I doubted she fathomed the heat of that fire.

  “Kathryn… I am no longer a child,” I said, unable to keep my voice harsh as I faded into the depths of her azure eyes. “I am becoming a man.” The delicate and soft lace of her dress tickled my fingertips. “And with that progression… the needs and desires of my body have become… undeniable.” My hand slid down her arm and to the side of her waist. “I fear that I will gain no further satisfaction from a childish friendship alone, and the thought of it blackens my soul. This must end, for your own good.”

  Kathryn’s eyes closed. She heaved a sigh and slowly reopened them. She brought her hands to my neck and walked her fingers along the brims of my shoulders. I released her completely.

  She pressed her body against mine, and an airy kiss against my throat paralyzed me. She combed her nails through my hair and I became breathless in her hands—a slave to the angelic touch of her slender fingers.

  “I, too, am no longer a child, Matthaya.” There was an edge of rebellion in her voice. “I have felt the very same desires you speak of.” Her hands trailed the ridge of my collar as she spoke.

  I swallowed hard.

  “I know what it is you want, and if you are so eager to consummate this… childish friendship… then let us do so.”

  “No.” I veered away, trying to shake the overwhelming sensations raging through me.

  It was wrong in a thousand ways and I could not stand the thought. I would not tarnish the innocence of a woman I could never rightfully call my wife.

  “You cannot ask me to come and take you for myself, when I’ve not even the very basic right of a man to court you properly.”

  “Perhaps not.” She walked in front of me and pressed an open hand over her heart. “But you do have the right as a man to love me. And if you feel the way I do then let us banish this fear you have.” Her eyes scanned the ground and returned to me. “Now.”

  My lips curled with disgust.

  “And your God will watch us burn for our sins.” I scoffed. “After your father is through with us both. You are not ready for this.”

  “Neither are you.”

  She was right. Still, I could not disregard the purpose of our meeting.

  “You’re changing the subject,” I said, resorting to a huskier tone. “I cannot have you and, therefore, I-I…” I cleared my throat. “And, therefore, I do not want you.”

  Kathryn tipped her head and shadows cast by the trees overhead darkened her eyes. “Then no one will have me,” she said, bending over to reach a hand down to her ankle. She pulled a small silver dagger out from under her dress and held out her other wrist.

  “Kathryn!?”

  “You will not reject me, Matthaya,” she seethed. “You will not reject me because of fear, and if you wish to pretend there is some other reason, then I insist you hold your tongue.”

  The dagger shook in her grasp. She then pressed it into the milky flesh of her wrist and cried out a muffled groan as the tip of the blade pierced her skin.

  “Kathryn, no!” I dashed to her side as her knees hit the ground. She hadn’t the nerve to go any further and released the dagger.

  That single drop of blood was all it took to break my heart.

  A heaving sigh pooled in her breast and she wept.

  I picked up the dagger and tossed it behind us, out of her reach.

  Her body shook and she gasped small breaths, as tears poured from her eyes.

  I gently lifted her wrist and pressed my thumb against the incision, applying slight pressure to stop the bleeding.

  “Can we not be together?” Her weakened voice was nearly inaudible.

  “Even if your father does not kill both of us, we will still lose everything. We are not at liberty to choose our own paths. And you… you should not do these things because of me.” I caressed her palm and kissed the inside of her wrist before letting go of her hand. The bleeding had ceased.

  “To say that I do not feel the same passion for you as you feel for me would be a lie.” I wrapped my arms around her shoulders and pulled her trembling body close to my chest. “But to say that I do not fear the consequences would also be false.” I kissed the top of her head. “I have known for so long that it would someday come to this. That someday, we would have to confront the curse of our friendship.”

  Her eyes came up toward mine and her shimmering red curls parted to the sides of her face.

  “I would give up everything for you,” she uttered.

  “You… would?”

  She took a deep, congested breath and cleared her throat. “I know you can do many things I cannot, and you may think I am naive, but I want to learn from you. I want to be part of you and I am willing to share the hardships that you face each day in order to do that.” She wiped the remaining tears from her cheeks and swept her hair behind her shoulder. “I must be with you. We can lie to ourselves and to others, but the connection between you and I will never fade. It is irreplaceable, and it is as sacred today as it was the day you arrived here.”

  Her words were beyond her years.

  “You would renounce the life you have now, just to be with me?”

  She brought her fingers to my face and forked them lovingly through my hair.

  “Matthaya, I would give up my entire world to be with you,” she said with an earnest smile.

  I wanted to believe her.

  “They will never accept us,” I said, sighing. At that point, I realized that I could no longer deny myself the touch I longed for. I did want Kathryn. I needed her and she needed me, too.

  I hugged her again and savored the warm, rosy scent of her. She pressed her palms to my chest and rested her head against me. I moved a tousle of her hair to the side and kissed her neck.

  She gasped.

  That tiny breath of surprise from her lips intrigued me and seduced my senses in an instant. The sweet, delicate taste of her skin filled me with impulses I had never before experienced. There was newfound strength in the quickening of her heartbeat and my body pulsed with the thrill of finally having Kathryn in my arms—alone and utterly mine. A second kiss to the base of her neck made her fingers twitch and move to the sides of my body, searching for a place to rest.

  I brought my hand up to cup Kathryn’s cheek and noticed a striking peacefulness fill her eyes. There was a flutter in my stomach and my heart raced as I gravitated closer to her. It was want, need, instinct—whatever you want to call it—and it drew me into the beauty and softness of Kathryn’s lips.

  Her lashes lowered and I kissed her.

  My fingers wove into the back of her hair, pulling her closer and deeper into me. A warm, contented breath escaped her mouth and caressed my lips. To breathe in and taste that yearning sigh of hers was heaven.

  It was as if I knew exactly how to kiss her and she knew exactly how to be kissed by me. I’d fantasized about it for so long that it was strangely natural between us. Our lips moved in a unique and distinct rhythm that was anything but awkward.

  Her arm quivered slightly, growing weaker from the weight she had been resting on it. The flowerbed of the clearing beneath us was soft, so I carefully drew her hand up and let her lie back onto the grass. With both of her hands on my neck and her nails still combing through my hair, my mind grew cloudy and overwhelmed, and I leaned down to kiss her again.

  I wanted to stay there forever—to feel her breath mingle with mine and share with her a ki
ss that would atone for all that I had withheld. Kathryn’s restless fingers wandered to the middle of my collar where she untangled the leather threads so she could slide her hand between them and touch my skin. She tried to grasp my shoulder, but released me as a quiet grunt of pain welled in my throat. The wounds were healing, but still tender.

  She pulled her hand away, but I took it into my own and entwined my fingers with hers as I pressed her arm back down into the grass. The fingers of my other hand traced her collarbone and she closed her eyes beneath me.

  The sun’s rays sprinkled through the trees and reflected off the small gold cross that hung on a fine chain around her neck. Rose blush colored her cheeks and tinted the skin across her chest at the brim of her dress. Her beauty was breathtaking. Captivating.

  “It is nice to see you smile,” she said, opening her eyes and letting her fingers tighten around mine. “I had once thought you couldn’t because you never did.”

  “You have always made me happy, Kathryn,” I said, kissing her forehead. “It was the fear of that happiness that made it appear otherwise.”

  I rolled over to the side and then lay back. She followed, curling up close to my ribs while my arm closed around her and pulled her in even nearer. It was uncomfortable to be on my back, but holding her made me happily endure the pain.

  We shared a peaceful sigh and watched as the branches overhead rustled in the wind. Every breath filled me with a force that left me comforted, whole, and never wanting to leave that splendid place.

  Raven was a few meters away, munching happily at a patch of clover, completely ignorant of our secret.

  Kathryn was motionless in my arms for some time. The minutes ticked by and evening threatened us. I nudged her gently and helped her to her feet.

  As I laced up my shirt, she remained steadfast in thought and fell very quiet. I approached her from behind and rested my arms around her shoulders.

  “This love can only flourish if kept secret.” My lips touched the edge of her ear. “Until the time comes, it must be this way. The world is not yet ready for us.”

  “I understand,” she replied, her eyes fixated on the nothingness in the distance.

  I BRUSHED HER HAIR TO the side and kissed the nape of her neck. She flinched, just as I had predicted she would, and my hands slid across her back until my fingers could take gentle hold of her shoulders. Pressed close to me, I felt her chest rise and fall with a contented sigh, and I couldn’t help but smile.

  “It’s beautiful,” she said, placing her palms onto the banister and leaning forward. “Isn’t it?” I imagined the morning light reflecting in the ocean of her eyes as they glistened in awe at the sunrise.

  “Never as beautiful as you,” I replied, walking my fingertips across her shoulders and down to the hollow of her throat.

  From Kathryn’s bedroom balcony, we could watch the day awaken in peace. The rest of the manor did not stir until just after light and we secretly found time together in the very early hours of morning. We kept our distance and spoke little to one another during the day. This is how it had been for many months, and it would remain so until we could find another way.

  My fingers tangled in her necklace chain and I caught the cross charm between my thumb and index finger. She’d had it since I had known her and I knew she had devout faith in it, as I had never seen her without it. Recalling little conviction from childhood, I’d harbored my own doubts about God. With no other defense to support my decision to love Kathryn, I eventually gave in to her beliefs. I needed to believe that someone or something could help us.

  “You are my sun, Kathryn,” I continued in a quiet voice, my fingers tracing the thin chain around her neck.

  These simple moments were worth the world to us, and I cherished every second of her presence. She had selflessly spoken to me of love many times over the past weeks, but I could do no more than listen. I loved her with all my heart and soul. I would have died for her, and no doubt killed for her, as well. All she had to do was ask and I would obey. Yet, I could not release myself from my final inhibition. I would not seal her fate with my words. She knew this but did not enforce the same restraint upon her own lips. I struggled to bite my tongue when all I desired was to fill her with promises of devotion and happiness.

  The future was so very uncertain.

  We had discussed many ideas, conjured up a dozen plots and possibilities, but none of them seemed feasible in the end. There was one option—in the very back of my mind—that begged for my attention, but I could not yet bring myself to make the sacrifice it required. Kathryn knew nothing of it, and I would keep it that way until the time was right.

  Kathryn had even inquired about marriage, which I knew she longed for more than anything. All I could do was promise and swear myself to remain bound to her regardless of when (and if) the church would sanctify such a thing. I, too, wanted nothing more than to lawfully call her my wife.

  Whatever she wanted with me at this hour, her request that I come to her was beyond reason—and meant nothing good, I was certain. Still, I went to her. I went to her as I always did and always would.

  It was deathly quiet and the lanterns outside had been extinguished hours ago, leaving the pathway to the manor pitch black. There was soft golden light resonating from Kathryn’s room. I looked around before reaching a hand up to latch onto a balcony post. I climbed several feet, and then stretched out my other arm to grab a hold of the top of the banister railing. I pulled myself up and over and took a third glance in both directions. It was silent. Empty. Everyone had gone to sleep by now—everyone but Kathryn.

  She pushed the balcony doors open quietly and welcomed me with a smile, taking me by the hand and pulling me into her room. She shut the doors behind me and closed the drapes. As a final precaution, she went to her bedroom door and turned the lock, holding her hand tightly over the keyhole to dampen the click.

  “Is that a good idea?” I motioned toward the door she had just locked.

  “You are here after dark, my dear Matthaya. Is this a good idea?” she replied, challenging my question and proving my suspicions were correct.

  Of course not…

  She returned to me and snuffed out one of the two candles atop her dresser. The room became dim and the remaining glow was… intimate. The dress she wore tonight was much lighter and softer than her usual ones. The fine white satin flowed down her body, hugging the curves of her waist and hips. There were two lines of indigo lace ties hanging gracefully down each side of her ribs. Each one was intertwined with a row of grommets used to fit the dress more tightly around her. The delicate bows at the end of each looked painstakingly perfect.

  It was not the kind of dress she would ever be seen wearing in public.

  She looked me in the eye with a deep and determined gaze, and then licked her lips in preparation to speak. “I cannot stand this anymore, Matthaya,” she said, moving toward me and backing me against the patio doors. I had to brace myself to keep from rattling the frames behind me. “I cannot take this distance—this… agony coursing through me. How long must we wait?” She pressed into me and twisted a lock of my hair between her fingers. “Matthaya, please. You say that we should be married, but how far away is that day? When will I legitimately be yours?”

  There was a sparkle in her eyes I hadn’t seen before, and though I pretended to be unaffected by it, the subtle change made my thoughts run wild. My mindset was in such a delicate balance, teetering between rationality and impulsiveness—threatening the sanctity of our friendship. And her dress… how it accentuated the sumptuous curves of her body, leaving so little to my imagination.

  Her nails traced the collar of my shirt down to my throat and then to the leather threading along the center of my tunic. One of her ankles trailed up and hooked behind my leg, where she pressed her foot seductively against my calf. The slit in her dress made the fabric pour over her thigh, revealing porcelain skin. Thoughtlessly, I lowered my hand to cares
s the firm, warm flesh of her naked leg.

  “I am sixteen years old now and my father is trying to sell me into marriage as quickly as he can.” Her delicate fingers worked apart the overlapping ties of leather as she spoke. “I will not let another man have me. I refuse to let a stranger who can simply buy my father’s favor conquer me.”

  The heat of her words crushed against me. The urgency in her voice and the overpowering needs of our bodies bewitched me, draining me of all reason. The little nymph’s inherit ability to torture me had never faltered before, and tonight was no exception. This confrontation was potent and dangerous. A fire sparked within me and she kindled it further with a sensual stroke of her palm down my inner thigh. It was as if she was mocking my inability to hide the desires of my body—daring me to confront them.

  Her touch enchanted me, and she somehow knew my body much more intimately than I knew hers—a fact proven by the way she manipulated the powerful sensations coursing through my veins.

  A cunning girl and a cleverly plotted ambush.

  No. A brilliant, irresistible… woman.

  She wanted to feel my lips against her neck… along her shoulders… soft kisses across her chest.

  She wanted my skin pressed against hers… our breath in unison.

  She wanted to feel my hands holding her tightly at the waist… my fingers dragging over her thighs.

  The shortness of breath left me vulnerable. Hardwired, primitive instincts yearned to test the limits of my will. Her desire for me burned inside her trembling body and vivid thoughts of her flesh mingling with mine flashed through my mind. Her fingers tightened on my hands, which had unconsciously migrated to her hips.

  She wanted me with every beat of her fervent heart…

  And this time… she would have me.

  I pressed my fingertips against her thighs and let her leg slip back down to the floor. I took a step toward her, forcing her back.

  And another.

  And then another.