Wasted

by Suzannah Daniels

  Taking her in my arms, I tried to soothe the mother of my child. “I know it’s hard, Rachel.” Her shoulders shook as she clung to me, her tears damp against my skin. “We just have to remember the moments we had with her. We have to remember how soft her skin was, how tiny her fingers were. Do you remember how beautiful she was?”

  Rachel sniffled and nodded her head. Pulling back, she looked at me. “We did have a beautiful baby, didn’t we?”

  I nodded, not trusting my voice to speak, as my own memories flitted through my mind like a slideshow dedicated to Madison’s short but precious life.

  “I feel so cheated,” she whimpered. “To go from not expecting to be a mother to wanting to be one more than anything, only to have my baby taken away.”

  “I know,” I whispered. “And no one will ever take Madison’s place, but you will be a mother again, Rachel. Find someone who can make you happy.”

  “The way she’s made you happy?”

  I nodded. “Yeah, the way she’s made me happy.”

  She attempted to smile, but I could see her struggling as her lips turned down in a frown and her tears began to fall again. “I’m glad,” she whispered as she hugged me again.

  The front door opened, and we both snapped our heads in the direction of it.

  Lexi stood stock-still, her fingers clinging to the knob as her mouth gaped.

  “Lexi.” I was standing in a sea of mud, my feet so weighted down that I couldn’t lift them. Rachel hugged me, kissed my cheek, and walked toward the door.

  “I’m sorry,” she whispered as she brushed past Lexi and scampered out of the apartment.

  Lexi slammed the door behind her. “I’m glad to see you missed me.”

  “It’s not what it looks like.”

  Her lips thinned. “It never is.”

  With all the turmoil I had churning in my soul today, I didn’t need this shit, too.

  “I just came to get some of my things,” she said. “I’ll arrange for movers to come and get my furniture, and then you can go back to…doing whatever it is you do.”

  Apparently, she wasn’t even interested in an explanation. I was guilty as charged in her eyes. I grabbed my truck keys. “Can’t wait,” I thundered as I stormed out the door, my mood as black as my sinful soul.

  Not knowing where I was going, I drove aimlessly. Shit, the destination didn’t really matter as long as it had nothing to do with women. Today was reserved for my daughter. Everything else could wait.

  ***

  It was after midnight when I got home. Exhaustion, both physical and mental, had claimed me, and I stripped down to my boxers and collapsed in the bed. If Lexi left any sign at all that she’d been here, then it was only in her room, and I hadn’t ventured in there since the day she left.

  The apartment was still too dark, too quiet, too lifeless.

  As inopportune as Rachel’s visit was today, I felt like she and I had gained a small modicum of closure to our relationship. I had been sincere in my hope that she would find someone who could make her happy, and I hoped that she wanted the same thing for me. And for the first time since we divorced, I thought maybe she did want me to be happy.

  I’d grown up the hard way, losing my father at a young age, having a mother who couldn’t cope with her reality, and then having a child when I was barely an adult myself. My financial situation had always sucked. If it hadn’t, then maybe I would have had the money to buy Spanky’s. Realizing there was no point in wallowing in wouldas, couldas, shouldas, the only thing I could do at this point was to make decisions that were the best thing for me.

  I thought about my mother and all the help that I’d given her over the years, mostly monetary. Part of me wondered if she’d even bother to contact me at all if she wasn’t asking for money, and truthfully, I wasn’t sure. I knew that she’d experienced a lot of pain in her life. My father’s death had been devastating for her, but it’d been devastating for me, too.

  Haley told me often that I shouldn’t send our mother money. Maybe my little sister was right. Maybe it was time for my mother to step up and take care of herself. She was capable, and I had to start thinking of my future. My conscience struggled with the need to be a good son and the need to try to get somewhere in life.

  With everything that had been happening recently, I felt like I was running from an avalanche with rocks tied to my ankles, and I desperately wanted to escape.

  Lexi filled my thoughts. I had no idea what to do where she was concerned. Since I’d met her, she’d forced me to examine my life. Maybe I just never had a reason to before. Maybe since that night that she’d touched me so tenderly, I realized how empty my life had become after losing Madison.

  Feeling like my vision had slowly become clearer in the last few weeks, I knew that I wanted to make changes. Hell, I needed to make changes. And as I lay in bed contemplating my future, I fell asleep, wondering what role Lexi would play.

  Chapter 21

  Voodoo

  Lexi

  “Are you sure you’re okay?”

  “Will you stop asking me that?” I snapped, immediately hating the way I sounded. “Seren, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it to come out like that.”

  She crossed her arms and widened her eyes. “Will you just call him already? You tossed and turned all night, depriving us both of a good night’s sleep. And now you’re being witchy and twitchy.”

  “Witchy and twitchy?”

  She nodded. “Definitely. There’ll be no peace for either of us if you don’t talk to him.”

  “I don’t want to talk to him.”

  “You may not want to, but you need to.” Seren plopped on the bed beside me. “Get it all out in the open. You’ll be his new boss in three days. It’s not like you can avoid him forever.”

  “Maybe he’ll quit.”

  “Maybe he won’t.” Seren stared at me, daring me to disagree.

  I exhaled loudly, knowing that my arguments were making no sense. “I just don’t think there’s anything to talk about.”

  “How can you say that?”

  “Because I was just gone a few days and he’d already ran back to his ex-wife. Did I mention that he’s been sending her money?”

  “At least a hundred times.”

  I paced the length of Seren’s bedroom, stepping over piles of discarded clothes. “You know, if Creekview had more apartment space available, this whole situation could’ve been avoided.”

  “If you’d stayed in your own bedroom, this whole situation could’ve been avoided.”

  I frowned at her. “You’re not helping.”

  She gave me a small smile, amusement evident in her cerulean eyes. She ran her fingers through her disheveled hair. “Just saying.”

  Frustrated, I fell across the bed. “I need to go somewhere by myself and sort through this. Maybe you’re right. Maybe I should hash it out with him. If nothing else, I can give him a piece of my mind.” I crawled into a seated position and leaned over the edge of the bed, putting on my sandals.

  “Where’re you going?”

  I shrugged. “I don’t know. Somewhere where I can be alone.”

  “I can go upstairs and hang out if you want to stay in my room.”

  “No, that’s okay. I want to escape for a while, you know?”

  She nodded. “Yeah, I know what you mean.”

  “Mason took me to a swimming hole one time. It was beautiful and quiet, and there was no one around for miles. I think I’ll go hang out there for a while.”

  She gave me a quick hug. “Think about what I said.”

  “I will.”

  “And call me if you need me.”

  I smiled. “Thanks, Seren.”

  Mason

  An angry breeze whipped through the stifling summer air, bringing relief from the cruel humidity and hinting at an impending storm. Leaves twirled incessantly, nature’s pinwheels spinning in vibrant shades of green as they clung desperately to the branches that anchored them. A plastic gro
cery bag, inflated by the wind, skittered across the parking lot, and it made me think of the army men I’d played with as a child, tossing them into the air until their parachutes opened and they floated to the ground.

  Leaning against the railing outside my front door, I gazed at the grounds from my second-story perch. I’d done a lot of thinking about my life in the last few days, a lot of thinking about Lexi. I’d be the first to admit that I’d made my share of mistakes, but the one thought that resounded in my head was that letting Lexi walk out of my life without fighting for her would be another mistake I could add to the long list I’d already accumulated.

  As pissed as I was that she hadn’t confided in me about her intent to buy Spanky’s, I didn’t want to screw up what we had. I’d be a damn fool if I didn’t at least try to talk to her.

  Reluctant to be the first one to reach out, I stared at my phone. I could be stubborn and lose her forever, or I could make the call.

  Quickly dialing her number before I talked myself out of it, I waited impatiently as the phone rang, becoming more agitated with every ring that went by without her answering.

  “Damn it,” I huffed under my breath as I stared at the blue sky, noticing that there was no evidence yet of rain clouds.

  Once it switched to voice mail, I hung up and dialed Cade’s number.

  “Hey, man,” he answered.

  “Hey.”

  “What’s up?”

  I took a deep breath. “I was wondering if you had a phone number for Seren.”

  “Seren? I thought you had a thing for Lexi.”

  I closed my eyes and leaned my head back, stretching my neck. I did not want to get in a big explanation of what I was trying to accomplish.

  “Shit, Cade. If I wanted to talk about love interests like a couple of teenage girls, I would’ve called my sister. You got her number or not?”

  “Now that you’ve compared us to a couple of teenage girls, I think this is where I ask you what has your panties in a wad, but you know what, I really don’t want to know. I don’t have Seren’s number in my phone, but she used to come into the gym. Give me a sec to check the computer. We might have her number on file.”

  I could hear him doing his hunt-and-peck on the keyboard, and frustrated, I moved my head around in a circle in an attempt to alleviate some of the tension from my neck.

  After what seemed like an eternity, he finally came back to life on the other end of the phone. “Bingo.”

  “What is it?”

  When he called out the numbers, I quickly ended the call and dialed the number.

  “Hello?”

  “Seren?”

  “Yeah?”

  “It’s Mason.”

  “Cambridge?” Her voice was filled with surprise.

  “Yes.” I had no desire to make this conversation last any longer than necessary. “I need to speak to Lexi. I thought you might know where she is.”

  “It’s about damn time,” she muttered under her breath. Raising her voice back to normal levels, she continued, “Yeah, she said something about going to a swimming hole. She didn’t say where, though. Said it was somewhere you had taken her.”

  “Is she still there?”

  “She left here about thirty minutes ago. As far as I know, that’s where she is.”

  “Thanks,” I said, sincerely meaning it. “I owe you a drink.”

  “I’ll be in to collect. Now hurry up before she leaves.”

  Hanging up, I slid my phone back in my pocket while I raced back in the apartment to grab my truck keys. I rushed across town, keeping my foot pressed against the gas pedal in hopes that I would get there before she left.

  As the truck weaved and bobbed along the dirt road, I searched for any signs of her vehicle. Once I finally made it to the end of the road near the creek, I saw it, parked on the grassy edge of the road. Relieved, I felt the tension drain from my body as I got out of the truck and began to walk along the narrow, worn path.

  It didn’t take me long to spot her, sitting with her back to me on a large, flat rock that jutted over the creek. Her bare legs were extended out in front of her as she leaned back against her outstretched arms.

  Not wanting to terrify her, I intentionally made noise, kicking a rock into the overgrown weeds as I headed toward her. She turned in my direction, and once she spotted me, she rose to her feet.

  “What are you doing here?” I could hear the aggravation in her voice. She wasn’t happy to see me.

  “I came to talk to you.” I watched as she looked away, the wind lifting her long dark hair off her shoulders.

  “I told you that I didn’t want to talk.”

  “And I just told you that I did.”

  Her lips thinned. “So talk. Tell me how the minute I left, you ran back to your ex-wife.” Her eyes narrowed as she drank in my appearance. “Or maybe you were with her all along. Why else would you be giving her money?”

  I shifted my stance. “So that’s it? You’ve already judged me based on a mistake that I made a long time ago?”

  A flicker of regret crossed her face. “Maybe things would be different if I hadn’t had a relationship that ended the same way.” She exhaled. “I know you’ve been disappointed in me, too. Maybe I should’ve told you about my deal with Spanky as soon as I found out how much you wanted the bar.” She lowered her gaze to the ground. “I know how much it hurts to miss out on something that you really want because I really wanted something, too.”

  “And what was that?”

  “You.” She lifted her eyes, her gaze meeting mine. “I wanted you.”

  Her simple confession resonated inside my body, making a profound impact as it touched something deep inside my soul. After years of bitter loneliness, I knew that one of life’s greatest gifts was to be wanted.

  “Lexi,” I whispered, taking a step toward her.

  “No!” she shouted, holding her hand out in front of her, signaling me to stop. “I deserve a man who can love me, only me, a man who will cherish me the way I’ll cherish him, a man who will put my happiness ahead of his own, the same way I’d be willing to put his happiness ahead of my own.”

  “I can be that man.”

  A laugh of disbelief escaped her lips. “No, you can’t. You wanted Rachel. You got her.”

  “I haven’t wanted Rachel for a very long time.”

  “And that would explain why I came home to find her in your arms!” she yelled, her voice cracking with emotion.

  “Just calm down.” I took another step toward her.

  “No!” she screamed. “I won’t calm down. I’m angry, Mason. I’m angry that after everything I went through with Kevin, I let myself love you. But you’re just like him.”

  I closed my eyes against her allegations. As much as I didn’t want it to be true, I couldn’t deny it. And whether it’d been my intention or not, I’d hurt her.

  Her soft sobs tugged at my soul, and I opened my eyes, desperately wanting to take her in my arms and soothe her. I motioned for her to come to me, but she stood her ground. “I’m not proud of what I did,” I said, “and if I could go back and change things I would. But I can’t. And I’m not making excuses for my behavior, but I want you to understand what happened, Lex.”

  “It doesn’t matter.” She waved her hand between the two of this. “This is over.”

  “This isn’t over,” I roared, refusing to accept her declaration.

  Her full lips pressed into a thin line, and her dark eyes glared at me. “It is,” she said softly.

  She brushed past me, and I reached out and grabbed her arm, swinging her around to confront me. “I’m not letting you go.”

  “You’re hurting my arm,” she whispered between clenched teeth.

  My eyes dropped to where my fingers wrapped around her flesh. Reluctantly, I released her. “At least talk to me, Lexi.”

  Tears glittered in her eyes. “I can’t. Not right now.”

  “I have to work tonight,” I said with more calmness that
I felt. “Will you be home when I get off?”

  She hugged her torso, her body rocking slightly as she contemplated my request.

  “Please, Lexi.”

  “I don’t think I can do that,” she whispered, and then she turned and walked away.

  I watched her as she made her way along the path at the edge of the bank, the wind whipping her hair into a frenzy. Rustling leaves warned of the storm that brewed in the horizon. The soft gurgle of the creek lent tranquility to the atmosphere, but I was feeling anything but tranquil.

  That girl had cast some kind of voodoo spell on me, and everything in me wanted to charge after her like a lion marking his territory. But I knew that it would only push her further away.

  As rage and frustration churned within me, I watched her slender form as she retreated.

  Grasping the nape of my neck, I grunted. As usual, nothing was working the way I’d hoped.

  Chapter 22

  Angel’s Kiss

  Lexi

  Fat raindrops pelted against the windshield, and my wipers were no match for nature’s fury. With practically no visibility, I pulled into the parking lot of a strip mall and waited out the storm. Lightning sizzled through the ominous gray clouds and a deafening boom of thunder echoed through the air.

  Turning off the ignition, my thoughts quickly turned to Mason. The vulnerability on his face when he pleaded with me to be home tonight haunted me. I knew he had memories that tortured him, and I assumed in one way or another most people did. Walking in on Kevin when he was pounding into another woman, her nails digging into his back as she moaned softly, had permanently been burned into my brain. I had replayed that moment a thousand times, and it was always accompanied with nausea, hurt, and a whole lot of hatred.